🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

We're having exactly the same problems with FIL, now in his fourth hospital, at ever increasing distances from us, while they made a bit of a hash of diagnosis, meaning he lost the chance to make things a little easier. Waiting for a best interest meeting that was meant to be taking place a week ago, probably delayed by the holiday, but of course the ability of family to attend at short notice ends in a couple of days' time. The closest DC is over an hour away if they're at home, and their workplace is in the opposite direction. DH isn't easily contactable at work, and if they reached him, it would take four hours from his office to get there.
There's no reason why they should give much priority to this, in the scale of things, but it does rankle.

Yes I agree with you @MysterOfwomanY I work with kids/teens and CAMHS is so understaffed and underfunded that they can't get the support they need in time and then they get to 18 because of the waiting list and poof nothing at all. Then you have lots of young adults with mental health issues who struggle to enter society fully and they complain that unemployment in this age group has gone up and PIP claims for mental health issues has gone up. Surely it would be better to support these teens in the early stages to avoid the inevitable crisis that will result without it.

Same with our elderly do the discharge right with all support in place the first time and less chance of readmission due to a fall or infection due to lack of adequate care in place.

Mil has been complaining the toilet in her flat is too high for her (it's raised to make it easier to use but she is very small). We offered to talk to the building manager to see if they could do anything but she refused so has obviously been deliberately not going to the toilet. This morning she clearly couldn't hold it in any longer and so there was poo everywhere - on the bedding, nightclothes, carpet, bathroom floor, even some up the wall. What a lovely start to the day. Me and DH are supposed to be going to a New Years party tonight but just don't have any energy at the moment.

Oh dear, would she manage a step with a toilet surround to get onto the toilet or would she fall over it?

I've left it with the building manager (I just said MIL finds the toilet too high) and she said she'd discuss it with the maintenance guy who would probably fit a sturdy step around it. No doubt she will fall over it.

Got guilt-tripped by elderly neighbour today. I've already got several elderlies of my own on the go, and help this neighbour out occasionally by popping round with some milk or a prescription. Now it's all sad face and "You never come round for a coffee", "Why don't you come round for a coffee?"

Last month I had to use some annual leave to find time to meet a friend for a coffee. Someone I actually like and want to catch up with! There are several more friends I want to see but haven't been able to find time yet. We're all juggling work and young families too.

@EmotionalBlackmail keep your own oxygen mask on and boundaries firm.

It’s nice you did a seasonal visit today but you can stop there. I hope the neighbour gets outside help in and doesn’t assume that, as you are so helpful to others, that you can take them on too. You are not responsible for other people’s happiness or for stopping them from feeling lonely.

Your plate is already full and you should limit neighbour to what you can do (which might be nothing right now).

Our good girl programming means we feel we should always do more and are never enough and that’s why we burn out.

@MereDintofPandiculation are we in need of a new thread? Happy New Year!

Thank you @FiniteSagacity! A useful reminder.

Neighbour has loads of help, just can't walk as far as the shop/pharmacy these days, but can still manage to walk to their church as it's closer. But lives with partner, daughter goes round several times a week, along with other family members. Unlike many of the elderly relatives mentioned in here they have a taxi account and regularly use taxis to get to places. So not lonely either. Almost certainly sees more people socially than I do!

Might be like my mum. If she doesn't have company in the present moment she feels lonely. With her it's a feature of her dementia.

@EmotionalBlackmail, your neighbour obviously enjoys your company but you have enough on your plate without being guilt tripped there!

Dipping my toe back in to say hello after hiding from the world for a while. DF’s funeral was at the end of Nov, and went vaguely well apart from the minister going to the wrong crem, she was 30 mins away when she realised this with 10 mins bridge the service started. It made for a bit of a lighter start to the service anyway.

I’m relieved we have survived the first Xmas and new year without him but know the coming months are going to be a slog trying to support DM who is desperately lonely rattling around in a 4 bed house by herself now. I really want a plan and an idea of what things will look like going forward but that is just trying to grasp some control in a rubbish situation.‘I feel awful leaving DM at home when it means she won’t really see anyone that day unless I go over but what can you do when you have your own family to juggle as well? Really hoping she will get out and about once things start back up and that might help.

Thanks @Earlydarkdays! Yes. The sad thing is that being moaned at for not having a coffee with the neighbour makes me feel like I want to stop helping altogether, or never get involved again with someone else. Because why bother if they just complain about it?!

@Earlydarkdays been there! I found that there are groups aimed at older bereaved people - try Cruse or the local
Hospice. Once those start back up again (probably next week?) they're a great way for someone to go out and meet people in the same boat.

If there's a local carer's group, there's likely to be a linked bereavement one.

My mum's been to her local one and found it very good - a mix of activities, advice on practical aspects like probate, and general.socialising. Not at all like the ones you see on TV dramas that are just people.sitting in a circle saying how sad they are.

Hope this is still the right thread! DFiL died a week ago Friday. DH doesn't want us to tell anyone. I'm seeing some of his friend's wives today and they may well ask me how he is. DH said I'm not to talk about it. I'm a very open type so I'm struggling to understand why he would keep it a secret from his friends. I understand he doesn't want any fuss but I can't see why we can't tell them and ask them not to mention it. This is big life news. I talked openly about him when he was ill so don't see why it's a secret that he has passed! If anyone can help rationalise this for me, please do! Otherwise, it's just a rant!

Maybe he wants to wait until after the funeral. He went to his friend's mum's funeral and might not want them to reciprocate! It would be so helpful if he could talk about is feelings!! 🙄

Come join us on the new one @Newmum738

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5243659-cockroach-cafe-new-year-2025?page=1

Hi gang, haven't posted in a while and a few things have happened. The first is that my Dad has (somewhat inevitably) massively damaged the car whilst in a car park at night. This led to a fairly tense conversation about driving, and that led to him asking my mum if she thought he had dementia.

Yes.

Yes we do.

So I'm speaking to his GP next week as I am worried about some of the things he is saying and doing.

Meanwhile, trying to hold it together with DS 1(Asperger's), Mum (v unhappy), Dad (angry about driving/dementia), DS2 (no specific issue but little), husband (working away all week every week and miserable.)

Today I went for a run and wound up crying on a bench. Feel like I'm reaching my limit and I can't see an ending.

Come and join us on the new thread @LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5243659-cockroach-cafe-new-year-2025?page=1

It’s very hard.