🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Sorry no helpful suggestions. The situation seems very much a “betwixt rock and hard place”, hope your mum is coping ok.

Does the local area have a hospital admission prevention team that can help? We tried and failed to get my Aunt to accept help from her local team and they will do home visits. She can syringe in fluids or spoon feed them into his mouth if he is able to swallow.

I'll check about prevention teams, thanks. He's a bit stronger today and drinking (and eating jelly and custard), so that's one problem off the table for now.

Well, Mum moved into her new nursing home on Thursday and absolutely none of the dire predictions from her previous home have happened - she doesn't seem agitated or particularly upset and she hasn't needed sedation. It feels amazing to be able to nip over and see her for half an hour and for the whole thing to take an hour at most. The new GP is a dream - Respect form done and dusted immediately, mostly the way we'd want it. It's a small home so it feels a lot easier to understand who's running things and we're already getting to know the carers. Maybe... we did the right thing for once.

Sorry nothing helpful to add @NoBinturongsHereMate hope he’s over the worst.
@PermanentTemporary that sounds really positive. Well done.

That's excellent, PermanentTemporary. A good GP and relationship with the carers makes a huge difference.

That sounds good, PermanentTemporary. We’re thinking we ought to move MIL nearer to us: at the moment it’s a four hour round trip to visit, and I’m sure it would be better all round if we could just pop in most days. And, frankly, the home she’s in at the moment is an all-singing all-dancing one with lots of facilities for people who still have capacity, but she’s well past that: she needs a comfortable bed and carers who pay attention.

@NeFretForth how did she come to be so far away? My mum's needs at the time of admission couldn't be met locally but that's changed now.

She’s in a home in the town where she was living- she went into hospital after a fall, it was obvious she couldn’t go home, so she was moved to the nearest care home with space. And BIL is a lot closer than we are (though still not round the corner- an hour round trip).

It's a small home so it feels a lot easier to understand who's running things and we're already getting to know the carers. My gut feeling is a small home is better. Everyone in my Dad’s home knows him, and nearly everyone knows me too. Good, hands-on manager is important too.

@NefretForth our home is a 15min round trip. I wouldn’t be popping in every day, but it’s a lot easier to squeeze in a trip eg on the last day before you go on holiday. There’s no point in all the bells and whistles - you’ll be paying for them. Visit a few homes nearer to you and look out for a good manager and happy staff without too much turnover.

She’s in a home in the town where she was living- she went into hospital after a fall, it was obvious she couldn’t go home, so she was moved to the nearest care home with space. I suppose that’s an advantage of an elderly parent living close by - an emergency admission to a care home has a chance of being nearby too

@PermanentTemporary - kudos for getting the transition successfully to the nearer home that sounds so much better.

@NoBinturongsHereMate wishing you strength, glad he’s doing better.

DF has moved rooms in his nursing home, which he seems happier with (just not thankful for, as usual). I’m overwhelmed dealing with his millstone of a house so will now be cutting my visits right back despite being closest. Those boundaries are very important and putting my own oxygen mask on first.

DH had to set some boundaries yesterday when FIL asked if he'd do him a 'quick favour' and transport some items he wants to sell. Without going into too much detail it would use up half of DH's day off for a likely net gain of less than £20.Conversation went like so:
'When am I going to do that, Dad?'
'On your day off.'
Funnily enough, DH wasn't up for that, having spent every weekday evening for months going over there to do various jobs and make sure he's okay. FIL was mystified. Maybe he thought DH would be grateful for something to fill his time.

@ArabellaFishwife you know I think they do think they’re helping us to find ways to spend all that free time we have after commuting to our full time jobs, running our own house, and looking after our kids and pets. FIL makes lists for DH of all the terribly important nonsense that he thinks DH would like to do for him.

I think they are out of touch completely with the reality of modern life. DH said to my DDad tonight that he would come on Friday evening to cook his requested liver and onions with mash potato and sit with him for the evening. DDad was really resistant and not listening as he wanted it to be on Thursday evening. DH explained that I would be out at work until 8.30pm so he couldn't because he needs to sort out the kids and it would be too late afterwards. DDad still said 'oh well we discuss it tomorrow' when DH said outright that no he wouldn't be coming as it isn't convenient for him. DDad goes nowhere so it doesn't matter which day, but for us it does.

Mine was moaning that I didn't phone her enough so I started phoning on an additional week night. But that wasn't right either as a TV programme she liked was on then! She wanted me to ring earlier as she went to bed after that.

Any earlier would have been in the time I was commuting from work, having tea with infant school aged child and getting them to bed! I'd also offered multiple times to show her how to record said tv programme but no, it had to be watched when it was broadcast apparently and everything else revolves around it.

Went back to phoning once a week and being moaned at for it. Other week nights she simply couldn't grasp that if child had an activity that meant DH and I would eat later that meant I wasn't available to phone her either.

Also moaning that she doesn't get to talk to gc. So find a time when both people are available. Then moans that gc talks a lot!

I do think some things are a wartime
rationing mentality carrying on - extreme desire to make do and mend, or sell stuff that is worth very little and the amount of effort it would take to sell (think time taking photos, writing g listing, dealing with no shows and negotiations, maybe taking to post office) isn't worth it for someone with very little spare time (ie me). She was shocked at what a local eBay selling shop was charging (a % of any money made in return for listing, packaging and posting) and wanted me to do it for free as it's "not much work".

My DM does this. I phone every Sunday night at the same time for a chat, Dad always answers the phone. Somehow Mum always has “her programme” on so can’t come to the phone. Except in the summer when she’s still gardening (obsessed with the garden). I think she just doesn’t want to speak to me, we’ve never had the greatest relationship.

Yay! I have managed to secure spare hearing aids. The ones she lost have mysteriously reappeared after I’d paid for replacement NHS ones. So I’ve taken posession of the new ones and have them at home with me, ready for the next time she somehow breaks or loses both the pairs she already has. A small victory but mine, nonetheless.

@PermanentTemporary new home sounds good. I’m carefully storing up all the tips from here, it will inevitably happen here, I’m sure.

Sounds good @BestIsWest

We were woken this morning by the phone summoning us to fix the toilet blocked by the carers flushing gloves and kitchen roll. DMIL didn’t realise (Alzheimer’s) so it was a bit of a mess to say the least 😱

@BestIsWest yay for the win!

@SockFluffInTheBath sympathies, I remember DB tackling similar. Should we have a cockroach award for the day’s most unnecessary task?

DF also has no concept of the time and seems to think he’s doing us a favour by filling our days. But conversely insists he will do he won’t the things that he wants control over, such as talking to charities that might take some of the clutter we have to remove from his house. DBIL suggested I give him deadlines and say, if you haven’t contacted x by y date then I will. Mulling this tactic over, as it feels provocative.

Yes Cockroach of the day to @SockFluffInTheBath!

Aw shucks, do I need an acceptance speech? I’d like to thank the gloves… 😅

@FiniteSagacity deadlines/ultimatums don’t work here. We let it go for a short time then just big smile, bright and breezy ‘right, let’s get this sorted, I’ll make us some tea then we’ll get on the phone’. It’s draining, everything feels draining at the moment, but it gets it done so ultimately it’s worth it.

Well DH is back over there.DMIL is apparently stuck in the loo, as in bum slid down into the loo, legs out the top. You have to see the funny side of days like this but I do wonder how long they can stay in the house.

Oh good lord Sock. I hope shes OK. Would a toilet raiser be any help??

Crikey!