AIBU to tell someone they will be dead in 15 years so relax *MNHQ ADDING CONTENT WARNING FOR TOXIC PARENTING DISCUSSION*

[pallindromeemordnillap]

My mother is a complex person. Very loving in some ways but very destructive in others.

She literally will lambast and chastise over spilt WATER not just milk. Making a mountain out of a molehill over very little things is her norm. So much so I remember bursting out crying at a friends house when I dropped a spoon. I’ll never forget the dissonance I felt when the mum gave me a hug and told me not to sweat the small stuff.

Anyway my mum was having a go at my dad for not putting a food clip on the cereal box and I just told her to “give it a rest with the negativity as statistically speaking you are likely to be dead in 15 years and some dry cereal will be of absolutely no consequence”. Normally my mum would retort back but she was clearly gobsmacked.

Dh told me I was a bit nasty for bringing up her death.

AIBU?

Outright nasty thing to say.

That's your mother...

That is something I would say tbh I'm sick of seeing people moaning and whining about things that really do not matter

Some mother are horrid

She won’t be eating that box of cereal in one year never mind 15. YABU. Stale cereal sucks.

You sound like you have unresolved issues, or childhood trauma. You said it to get back at her🤷🏼‍♀️

Well you've given her more ammunition. The whole "I'll be dead soon" etc will be added in to her repartee. But YANBU.

Imo there is no issue with saying “please remember to put the clip on”.

But after hearing her go on and on I had had enough!

Its just weighing on my heart that I may have reminded her of her mortality

That's really horrible but maybe there's a back story to this.

Oh I see she makes a mountain out of small things but I still wouldn't say something like that. Just dont spend time with her

Probably in that situation it was a bit uncalled for. However I must confess I said something similar to my mum recently.

She is a very negative and pessimistic person and when I was diagnosed with cancer last year I stayed away from her as I preferred to be positive. Now my SIL has been diagnosed with breast cancer and every time I visit mum she starts talking about how worried she is and how ‘it doesn’t sound good’ and trying to get me to say that I don’t think she will survive. There’s absolutely no evidence for this and finally I lost it and told her if it does recur it will likely be in 10-15 years so she (Mum) won’t be here to worry about it (she’s 88). It wasn’t my finest moment but it just came out in the heat of the moment.

It doesn't seem very relevant. If she's planning to buy an investment that matures in thirty years, or put solar panels on her house because they'll save money over time, or adopt a box tortoise, THEN "remember, you'll probably only live another fifteen years or less" might be relevant (but still hard to say tactfully). But the missing clip on the cereal box was probably only going to be important to her for a few minutes, perhaps a few hours - she's got plenty of time for that.

😲

Completely pragmatic and, actually, quite wise! Perhaps your stark injection of realistic priorities will give her pause enough to think about how to use her energy. Or not ...

People who know me were surprised I furnished my flat entirely from Ikea: "You're so creative, why don't you upcycle really good vintage pieces that will last a lifetime?" As I kept pointing out, I've got 10-15 years left. My Ikea things will definitely last my lifetime, and I don't wish to spend my remaining decade sanding down chests of drawers 😏

Today is the anniversary of my mother's death. She was often deliberately cruel to me and said so when she was dying, admitting that in her words, she hadn't been much of a mother to me. I could have chosen to be cruel in return, but I didn't. I hugged her and told her she had done her best. I couldn't send her to her grave feeling that guilt...She was the only mother I had, despite her shortcomings.

I couldn't have coped with the guilt of it either, it isn't who I am. Obviously you have your reasons, but as a society we are unkind to our mothers and often hold them to unrealistic standards. I strongly advise you to think carefully about the things you say, they can never be taken back.

Off to name change again.

💐

I'm willing to bet that your mother is the 'nag' because, let me guess, your father sits back and let's her handle it all, therefore never has to deal with anything so is never a nag?

Bet your mother also gets frustrated when no-one eats the cereal because it's dry or hasn't got the clip on and it sits there forever, while people keep adding new boxes of cereal to clutter up the pantry she is eternally trying to keep tidy, while everyone else does their best to mess it up?

I understand why she'd be frustrated and say something (not nag). Maybe people should put some clips on and then your mother won't have to deal with it? Or she could just stop buying cereal altogether? Then there won't be a problem either. Of course, everyone will complain and your mother will be the bad guy again.

Instead of expecting your mother to ask a particular way (how many times has she done it already?) why not put the clip on? It's not hard.

YABU and you said a mean thing.

YANBU at all and I suspect people saying YABU had the luck to not have parents who are constantly negative and invent something to be mad about. If they had, they would understand.

My mother is like this too, for example she would get annoyed at me for wiping the kitchen with kitchen cloths because she did not want to get the cloths dirty 🙃This is just one of the many batshit things she would tell me off about

Hard hat on for this but sometimes people need to be told straight.

Yeah, stop being so bloody neurotic and enjoy what you’ve hot because you will be bloody dead one day and so will everyone else.

Well said!

What you said was cruel and not relevant to the situation so gratuitous. .

You could have made
your point in many other ways.

Or flip it around and instead of blaming her mother, say, "Gee Dad, are you still not putting the clip on the bag and ruining the food? How hard is it to put the clip back on?" But mothers are always the bad guys.

If I were her mother I'd just stop buying cereal. Eliminates the problem and I can just shrug when there's a complaint about lack of cereal. I don't even eat the stuff.

When she's gone that comment may haunt you and how you made her feel. I'd apologise and explain your frustration.. that really wasn't a nice thing to say to her

I'd find a comment like that impossible to forget even with an apology

She sounds like a pain in the arse, actually much worse because she made you anxious as a child for things that didn't matter very much. Does she feel guilty about that? Has she tried to change? Has she apologised? Maybe she'll think now before going on at everyone and making them feel on edge. Probably not though.

You sound a wonderful Daughter. 🌷
Edit...My adoptive mum said a terrible thing to me when I was 11..I remember it so vividly, once words have been said, they can't be unsaid. They have an awful power.