AIBU to tell someone they will be dead in 15 years so relax *MNHQ ADDING CONTENT WARNING FOR TOXIC PARENTING DISCUSSION*

[pallindromeemordnillap]

My mother is a complex person. Very loving in some ways but very destructive in others.

She literally will lambast and chastise over spilt WATER not just milk. Making a mountain out of a molehill over very little things is her norm. So much so I remember bursting out crying at a friends house when I dropped a spoon. I’ll never forget the dissonance I felt when the mum gave me a hug and told me not to sweat the small stuff.

Anyway my mum was having a go at my dad for not putting a food clip on the cereal box and I just told her to “give it a rest with the negativity as statistically speaking you are likely to be dead in 15 years and some dry cereal will be of absolutely no consequence”. Normally my mum would retort back but she was clearly gobsmacked.

Dh told me I was a bit nasty for bringing up her death.

AIBU?

We are so weird about death in this country. I really don’t see what is wrong with what you said. You didn’t say “I wish you were dead” you stated a fact. We will all be dead one day - don’t stress it. We all need reminding of that sometimes.

I am so sorry you had such a difficult upbringing. Your mum sounds a very difficult person. Thank you for sharing it. It gives me pause for thought about the way I am with my own DC sometimes.

You should be ashamed.

No, she shouldn't.

You seem to lack understanding OP.

When you Mum got annoyed about the dropped spoon, it probably wasn't about the spoon at all.

She was probably fed up with all sorts in her life, maybe a bit hormonal at the time if she was around that age. I don't know how old you are but menopause can make women very emotional over 'nothing' (sometimes for years ) and maybe she was having one of those days.

My Mum used to fly off the handle over domestic stuff and you know why?
Because she was the only one who did any housework and got no recognition for it.

She'd spend her days cleaning up after my Dad and my brother, who undid all the cleaning she'd done almost instantly. So when she shouted 'take your bloody shoes off' when they came in from the garden it was because she'd spent her day cleaning the floors.

Why does your dad , an adult man, need reminding to put the clip on the cereal?

Never fails to amaze me that a person can spend their lifetime being vile ( crying at dropping a teaspoon at a friend's house is a response to trauma) Then when somebody ends up snapping at the person who is frequently nasty, they are in the wrong.
This is why you get these awful family dynamics where the person who says no and steps away is villified as the toxic person has to be appeased at all costs.
It's played out in some of the comments on this thread.
@pallindromeemordnillap I mean if I said something twatty to my aduld kids, they'd totally say something like you did, I I'd go 'oh woops' and laugh and apologise.

I've been there with a similar mother and it's hard to be kindly and loving and and unresponsive to digs every single bloody time.

I don't get how that's bad. You've essentially said chill out because in 15 years you won't even be here so enjoy life.

You know she’s probably had 50 bloody years of your dad not bothering to keep the cereal fresh with a simple action of clip or rolling the bag over?

I think she either deserved the nasty comment - in which case, why even bother having her in your life? Or, she didn’t. Only you know enough backstory. But either way, I think YABU because you should either not have said it, or not have been there. (I don’t say it lightly - I cut mine out)

The fact that we are all mortal is totally irrelevant to the situation though.

It makes it sound like you are counting down the days to her death. It's a nasty thought to have.

"Give it a rest mum. No one is going to get food poisoning if the cereal doesn't get clipped." - would have given the same message without telling her you are looking forward to her death.

I don't doubt that such overbearing negativity has deeply affected you and caused you to have difficulty distinguishing what is and isn't reasonable where your mum is concerned. I sympathise, but you do not have the power to change her by cutting remarks like this.

YANBU, and I don’t get the hand wringing over it. It’s not cruel it’s just blunt - it’s not like you wished her dead, just reminded her that one day it’ll happen.

Maybe you should consider why a man needs reminding to close up a cereal packet. Maybe he's been reminded for 45 years.

Haha. Yes my family too.

True!

It's shocking that the comments here assume the mother is 'vile'.

Maybe she's been unhappy for decades - by the rest of the family being selfish and not caring about her.

OP comes over as a stroppy teenager yet must be in her 30s I assume.

It takes two to argue OP.

If your mum was arguing over spilt milk, then someone was doing something and arguing back.

Maybe look at your own role in the relationship.

I think it depends on your humour.

I'll often day things about me not worrying about X as because tomorrow I could round the corner and meet that big red bus.

Others do not find it funny when I say that!

But my mum died young of cancer. My dad has had cancer. Cancer affects 1 in 2 people.

Statistically I'm screwed 🫣

You just learn sometimes to put things in perspective.

Not a great thing to say, but Fuck it OP, I’m not surprised you snapped, she sounds like an arsehole. You’re only human. I’m horrified she’s made you so anxious - my dad is the same and I don’t see him. Shrug your shoulders and move on.

It's such a minor effort. And it's not just about the lack of clip. It's about the lack of clip making the cereal dry out or stale, then no-one eats it, then it sits there for ages because no-one else is going to get rid of it. Then they make sure you get more cereal added, which suffers the same fate. Next thing, the panty needs tidying yet again, when if people just did one simple thing, you wouldn't have to do that job. And so it continues on and on.

It's like you've finished mopping the floor and someone walks across it in muddy shoes. Your work constantly disrespected, unappreciated and undone and needing doing again. Because no-one values your time either.

I was treated badly my my stepmother who said things to me that still haunt me. Do you remember the saying Sticks and stones will break your bones but names will never hurt you. I disagree bones mend names hurt for ever.

She didn’t say it on her deathbed.

DH and I say it to each other. It's really not such a terrible insult, I agree. The fact that poor old OP is so worked up about it suggests she's been made to feel responsible for her mother's feelings all her life

I think your mum will maybe think on what you said and hopefully she’ll get a grip. YANBU

It's a nasty thing to say, and I think you have a conscious over it as otherwise you wouldn't have posted on here.

It's fine to stand up to her and address her constant negativity, and I can see why you would react the way you have, but its an awful thing to say nonetheless. A different choice of words would have been better.

Edited to add - people are bringing in sense of humour, but this has not been been said in a jokey manner by the sounds of it, its been said in anger in the heat of the moment.

I don't think you are being mean or unreasonable. We will all die. It shouldn't be a taboo to say so. You were hardly wishing her dead. You said it in the context of: so don't sweat the small stuff. Fair comment!

You left her speechless. Maybe she needed to be shocked into considering the impact of how she treats others. Bullies often do need to be faced that firmly.

Does he "need reminding"? I've never closed cereal with a clip either.

Its not about him not listening. It's not our job to fuss over other people choices on a daily basis.

OP has had to put up with the nastiness of her mother all her life. Sometimes the mouse has to roar at the lion.

Well played OP

@pallindromeemordnillap Funny how you had a go at your Mum isn't it, but didn't tell your Dad to shape up and just do something so simple.

I don't know if you're married or have a family of your own but IME mums who snap like this are snapping because, as another PP says, they have spent decades clearly up after everyone without any recognition or appreciation.

How much support have you given your Mum over the years or were you a stroppy teen who's not become a stroppy adult and never lifted a finger to help her at home?

All relationships have two sides to them.