AIBU to tell someone they will be dead in 15 years so relax *MNHQ ADDING CONTENT WARNING FOR TOXIC PARENTING DISCUSSION*

[pallindromeemordnillap]

My mother is a complex person. Very loving in some ways but very destructive in others.

She literally will lambast and chastise over spilt WATER not just milk. Making a mountain out of a molehill over very little things is her norm. So much so I remember bursting out crying at a friends house when I dropped a spoon. I’ll never forget the dissonance I felt when the mum gave me a hug and told me not to sweat the small stuff.

Anyway my mum was having a go at my dad for not putting a food clip on the cereal box and I just told her to “give it a rest with the negativity as statistically speaking you are likely to be dead in 15 years and some dry cereal will be of absolutely no consequence”. Normally my mum would retort back but she was clearly gobsmacked.

Dh told me I was a bit nasty for bringing up her death.

AIBU?

Yep ✅ These threads are so strange. Everyone totally ignores OP's description of a mother making her little girl terrified to drop even a teaspoon. Instead, they just go on about the cereal clip.

😬

Perhaps her mother was desperately worried about keeping their home nice for her family. Women were judged on those things to a huge extent a generation ago. She could have been massively unwell with anxiety.
Intentionality is important here. Her mother sounds stressed, unsupported and vulnerable.

Obviously you have your reasons, but as a society we are unkind to our mothers and often hold them to unrealistic standards. I strongly advise you to think carefully about the things you say, they can never be taken back.

OPs mothers actions when she was a child put her on edge and made her anxious. It's hardly 'unrealistic standards' to expect a mother to not be destructive and not make their child anxious over very normal things that kids do. It sounds like OPs mother is the one who had, and still has, 'unrealistic standards' of other people.

My adoptive mum said a terrible thing to me when I was 11..I remember it so vividly, once words have been said, they can't be unsaid. They have an awful power.

As does making your children and others around you feel permanently on edge, which is what OP had to cope with as a child and still has to listen to now. That has a 'awful power' too.

Only you know if your comment was OTT and if it will affect your mum because only you had to live with her when you were a child.
She does sound hard work but if it was me I'd go and see her. Give her a hug and apologise.
Neither of my parents are in good health and both are in their 80s so I couldn't relax if I'd said something like that to my mum. I'd hate that to be one of the last things I said to her.

I don’t blame you tbh. A childhood spent on edge, worried about dropping a spoon, is no childhood at all. It could ruin a person. She treated you appallingly because of her anxieties, and will now no doubt play the victim. Yes you were blunt, yes it was a horrible thing to say: but honestly in light of the way she was with you, I think it’s fair enough.

And no you won’t be haunted by this fgs 🙄. You didn’t wish her dead. You reminded of her of a statistical probability and gave her perspective. There was nothing false in what you said. If she doesn’t like it, her problem.

Perhaps her mother was desperately worried about keeping their home nice for her family. Women were judged on those things to a huge extent a generation ago. She could have been massively unwell with anxiety.
Intentionality is important here. Her mother sounds stressed, unsupported and vulnerable.

It's on her to seek help and not make the lives of others miserable.

I suffered with awful anxiety years ago over a few year period, but I was always careful not to pass that into my children. I can recall a couple of occasions where my stress/anxiety impacted them (and my partner) and I apologised and explained. Anxiety isn't an excuse to ruin other people's lives. My aunt, now 70, suffered with anxiety and she also didn't put that in her children. She had also sought help in the last 20 years. There's no excuse to keep repeating this behaviour and if people do, them sometimes they're going to hear things they don't want to. Tough.

That's a lovely thing you did, both for your mum and for yourself. And you are so right about the standards we as children have for our mothers verses our fathers.

OP Anger is toxic, if you can't be the person you want to be around her, maybe you two need time & space apart for a bit, because that was really bonkers to say what you did. I hope your mum can forgive you.

Nasty and you know it

I hope your mum can forgive you.

Can OP forgive her mum for years of shit behaviour, including when she was a child though?

This is very true, those words will repeat, they already have . Make amends for you both.

She sounds like a total pain in the arse. I can see what drove you although in an ideal world you wouldn't have said it and would have avoided stooping to her level.

The problem with those brutal statements like "you'll be dead in 15 years so what do you care" is, they may come back to bite you. She may well be alive and still nagging your dad in 15 years and you may be dead of breast cancer in 5 years from now. In my country we say "don't spit upwards".

You sound like a chip off the old block 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I'm with you on this one. If anything, I think it wasn't too bad a thing to say. It was just factual really.

My mother was a bit like yours. She always had a confrontational manner over trivial issues. I did try and tell her but it didn't work.

Your mum won't take any notice of what you blurted out so don't worry. It will have been water off a duck's back. Forget it and move on.

Very horrible thing to say to anyone, but especially the woman that birthed you.

Disgusting statement (imo)

No, I think that's reasonable. She's your mum, you should be able to say things like that and her know it's an expression.

Has your mum ever said sorry for what she put you through as a child? Have you ever told her how she made you feel? Does your dad ever tell her to stop?

My parents were both like your mum when I was a child. It was very difficult to live with and I was a very anxious child. When I stood my ground as an adult and tried to discuss how their behaviour had affected me, they would minimise and play the victims, especially my mum.

After years of it and lots of other abuse, I had had enough and made the decision to not have them in my life. I told them why and was accused of being nasty. I had a few comments like ones here from other people telling me I would feel guilty. I never have. I figured they didn't so why should I when I hadn't done anything wrong.

After a childhood spent feeling anxious, it took me years to live a normal life. That sort of childhood takes its toll, it's no wonder you put her in her place OP.

Nothing to say about her mother's behaviour to her as a child, which sounds like it's continuing?

What if your mother had driven any children she had away either by suicide or them leaving and never speaking to them again.

All this rhetoric of “she’s the only mother you will have” just shows me that here is someone who doesn’t understand how dangerous a mother can be

Some mothers want to kill their child or involve them in a joint suicide

Some mothers aren’t just cruel they are deadly

How about your previous mother saying to you after you had eaten a bowl of spaghetti

”I crushed all my sleeping pills up and put them into your food, you will be dead on a few hours. It doesn’t matter you will go to sleep and not wake up”

If stating the truth is disgusting, where does that come on your level of disgust

Yanbu how downtrodden must you have been as a child to cry when you dropped a spoon? That's seriously fucked up. Sometimes horrible people just need telling.