AIBU to tell someone they will be dead in 15 years so relax *MNHQ ADDING CONTENT WARNING FOR TOXIC PARENTING DISCUSSION*

[pallindromeemordnillap]

My mother is a complex person. Very loving in some ways but very destructive in others.

She literally will lambast and chastise over spilt WATER not just milk. Making a mountain out of a molehill over very little things is her norm. So much so I remember bursting out crying at a friends house when I dropped a spoon. I’ll never forget the dissonance I felt when the mum gave me a hug and told me not to sweat the small stuff.

Anyway my mum was having a go at my dad for not putting a food clip on the cereal box and I just told her to “give it a rest with the negativity as statistically speaking you are likely to be dead in 15 years and some dry cereal will be of absolutely no consequence”. Normally my mum would retort back but she was clearly gobsmacked.

Dh told me I was a bit nasty for bringing up her death.

AIBU?

Eh?

So you're quite happy for someone else in the house to do something that will allow food to go off and be wasted?

It is not a nice thing to say but I understand where you are coming from. Its so depressing to live with this toxicity from your family.

This. And don’t insert yourself into conversations your parents have that have nothing to do with you. If you don’t like hearing her go on and on just leave the room

As a child you dont have the scope for understanding why your parent does behave like that. (On the side - the spoon was dropped in a different household with different people but OP still had bad reaction to it as she expected to be badly scolded. That sounds like she had really hard time as a child).

Even when you later have the understanding, the damage is done. And more being done if the parent still does it to this day which they would do. Its damaging even if you do have the understanding as an adult. Every single occurence makes you feel really small.

You can't jump to a conclusion like the mum has always been 'vile' just because the OP describes a couple of examples. Who knows what was going on in the family all those years ago? When people snap over 'nothing' there is usually 'something' else going on that the other person knows nothing about- maybe marriage issues for example or deep unhappiness that isn't being addressed.

Vile seems to be the 'in' word on MN for anyone's behaviour that annoys someone else.

It's one thing to say someone might be dead in a certain timescale, as a joke, but it's another to say it meaning 'I will be glad when you are'.

They really are, I hate all the "oh you only have one mother, cherish her"
My auntie was & is more than my crazy mammy, some people aren't equipped

Some great points about how the mum may be the one running the house and we see things through a different lense.

However, I think we should look at the example in the OP, OP dropped a spoon (an accident) and was terrified. That doesn't indicate a normal level of 'mum having to poke everyone to do things/behave at home'

If you had said this in my family, everyone would have laughed! Interesting how we treat death as so taboo.

OP literally gave the back story in the OP.

It's not that the cereal will be dry it's more that some creepies will get into the open bag. I keep everything in plastic containers or put the open bags in another sealable plastic bag. We got weevils once, I think they came in some dried supermarket pasta and then they got into anything not well sealed up, I had to throw tons of stuff out and disinfect all the cupboards. I've been a bit paranoid ever since, no one better leave anything unsealed in my kitchen either.

Good for you 👏👏 and I speak as someone who ( age wise) is in God’s waiting room.

I don't think you said anything terribly wrong - she was arguing over a bag clip on some cereal - she needs to recheck her priorities and by bringing her back to earth (with a bit of a jolt) you may have started that process.

I've heard people say similar expressions like "You'll be a long time dead so give it up" as in to stop what they are doing/going on about, so I don't think in the great scheme of things what you said to your mother was so terrible.

Your mum was probably surprised to hear it coming out of your mouth is more likely.

@aladderformoths read my comment next to that one then

@Garlicfest Completely pragmatic and, actually, quite wise! Perhaps your stark injection of realistic priorities will give her pause enough to think about how to use her energy. Or not ...

I completely agree with this. It might just make her think about how she behaves to people.

The OP clearly had a lifetime of pent up feelings and it came out in a less than ideal way.

Have none of you ever said a word out of line or overreacted?

Yes what she said was hurtful but then so is being raised in that way.

Sometimes things just slip out.

Better to say it won't matter in 100 years, then we'll all be dead. so it's not personal.

see, this sounds fine to me. But it’s also the kind of thing my mum might say about herself ‘i’ll be dead by then so don’t think I need to worry about that’ pragmatically. So it doesn’t sound mean to me, just accurate.

Very to sorry to hear about your loss.

I would say - just for the OP’s sake, as she’s clearly feeling guilt - that this poster’s mother acknowledged her cruelty. When a mother does not, it’s very difficult to forgive.

Living with someone who berates BERATES your father constantly in front of you, or turns every conversation into a negative, is incredibly draining for a child. It pulls you down, teaches you no empathy, messes with your understanding of the world and impacts your relationship with your own children.

I am 99.9% sure (seeing as the op is here after having snapped and is feeling shitty and conflicted about it) that this isn’t a case of ‘unrealistic expectations’ or ‘impossibly high standards’ on the OP’s part. She will likely have lived an entire life forgiving…being generous to her mother. Allowing, and probably even enabling, her bad behaviour. Putting up with cruel comments or dealing with the weight of judgement, or tiptoeing round her mother.

Also, when someone stands up to their abusive father, snapping as a teen for example, and jumping to the defence of their mother, everyone is like you did the right thing…he was a prick…he was abusive. So why when it’s a mother doing the abusive behaviour should this woman stand there watching her father be belittled over a bloody cereal box without saying a word?

Not only this, but it is quite possible the OP’s father just does what he can to have an easy life, to keep the mother placated, and therefore doesn’t defend the OP or stand up to the mother properly. That causes a whole host of other issues. (Obviously I could be wrong in this case because I know only the post’s info but OP worth looking up covert narcissism as rings bells)

"Its just weighing on my heart that I may have reminded her of her mortality"

May??

Also, you said that your mother was gobsmacked (so she clearly stopped talking at that point and wasn't nagging your father) but it was your father who said it was a nasty thing to say about her death.
Have you asked him why he would think that it was a nasty thing to say?

I didn't get the impression that someone else who posted did, that you would be looking forward to her death like some kind of "Ding! Dong! The witch is gone...the wicked witch is gone!" thing. I didn't get that impression at all from your comment.

Bloody hell, people are bizzarly sensitive on this thread. Calling OP's comment "vile" and "cruel"? Ffs she didn't say she wished her mother was dead, or say she would dance on her grave 🙄

I'm with those that believe the OP who says she's grown up with a mother that lambasted her throughout her childhood for trivial mistakes, creating high high anxiety for the OP. That's not normal, healthy or nurturing, whatever other positive qualities her dm has.

Reminding her of her mortality is factual! I'm in my 60s, I know statistically my life expectancy and that's fine. OP is reminding her dm that life is too short to waste on negativity. Her dm didn't bother about OP's feelings when she berated her during childhood. This factual statement doesn't strike me as vile or cruel. You reap what you sow.

She didn't 'literally' do that. She gave her own opinion which may or may not be how her Mum sees it.

But not as disgusting as making a child live in terror of simple everyday mistakes?

And not as disgusting as trying to shame a victim who’s finally stood up to their bully, eh?

Do any of us ever forget our mortality? It’s not like she was happily trundling along thinking she would never die! She’s a pain, you snapped, that’s all really. YANBU

Seems to be a few posters on here that are similar to the OP's mother. Endlessly berating other over things. So much so, they focus on minor things that are of no consequence when there's nothing justifiable to berate about. Being a mother doesn't mean all your behaviours are acceptable, no matter how much you try to blame others for them.

If you feel bad about it @pallindromeemordnillap maybe you should apologise to your mother. You could buy her a lidded ceral container as an olive branch gift.

My mum is a similar way but I would never say that to her, so hurtful. Therapy has helped me come to terms with the fact we will never have an idealised fantasy mother-daughter relationship, put in boundaries and feel compassion for her - having so much stress and anxiety 24/7 must be really tough. Realising I'm not responsible for and do not need to absorb it has help... though I'm not immune and still find it hard sometimes.

Ultimately what you said to her doesn't come from a place of trying to help. People with high levels of stress and anxiety don't really respond to factual information delivered in a dry way. If you want to have a better relationship you will need to lead with empathy... and you might need help to do that.