AIBU to tell someone they will be dead in 15 years so relax *MNHQ ADDING CONTENT WARNING FOR TOXIC PARENTING DISCUSSION*

[pallindromeemordnillap]

My mother is a complex person. Very loving in some ways but very destructive in others.

She literally will lambast and chastise over spilt WATER not just milk. Making a mountain out of a molehill over very little things is her norm. So much so I remember bursting out crying at a friends house when I dropped a spoon. I’ll never forget the dissonance I felt when the mum gave me a hug and told me not to sweat the small stuff.

Anyway my mum was having a go at my dad for not putting a food clip on the cereal box and I just told her to “give it a rest with the negativity as statistically speaking you are likely to be dead in 15 years and some dry cereal will be of absolutely no consequence”. Normally my mum would retort back but she was clearly gobsmacked.

Dh told me I was a bit nasty for bringing up her death.

AIBU?

No it is based on me being open minded and knowing that an adults recounting of issues years ago when they were a child isn't always accurate. Regardless of that it is reasonable to expect food to be stored properly or you have waste and her mother pulling her father up about that was none of OPs business, issues between a couple married for many years should be left to them to deal with unless it is turning violent and then it is fair enough to intervene.

The OP clearly knows she went to far and if she doesn't her DH has told her so and he actually knows the people involved.

Is your bias that people should never be pulled up when they get something wrong?

It’s not open minded to selectively pick out the bits of the post that support your narrative ‘she could be loving’ and present these as true, yet to decide all the other details ( such as the following ‘but was very destructive, I was so terrified of her reactions I cried in fear and kindness from a mother figure gave me dissonance) can be discounted as inaccurate. That’s a very clear example of bias.

It’s not open minded to ignore all the context OP gives for a behaviour, an entire childhood of context, so that you can be critical of her for it and defend the mother. That’s just deliberate self deceit.

Parenting a child to fearful tears over minor common day mishaps is abusive. I will not minimize that. You clearly have your own motivations for doing so.

There is clear water between “embracing death” and “being unable to prepare herself at all.”

All of us will die, and accepting that we will allows us to prepare for it. Accepting that we may not be around to see loved ones reach maturity should be the impetus to make sure they have good memories of us; receive our wisdom and hear from our own mouths that we love and value them. This means we have done the emotional work- I compare and contrast the work parents of (middle aged adult) children have done to prepare for the older persons death. Some using death as an opportunity to do their best- others not talking about it in a useless attempt to make it go away. It just strikes me as a colossal waste.
But feel free to disagree and live your own life as you see fit. As long as you extend that courtesy to others.

You can feel how you like about death, my grandmother regularly complained about Jesus keeping her waiting and why didn't he take her. People saying things like people are fools if they don't embrace death in the way they think proper is plain nasty.

As I said before people fear many things that I don't fear, my DIL being terrified of clowns is hard for me to understand but it is how she feels and in no way would I ever say she is a fool or she should consider her children and that they can never go to a circus because of her.

When you talk about preparing are you talking about financial and legal things? They are hardly the big issues in this.

Partially financial and legal yes. But more than that- the psychological, emotional, spiritual stuff too. A simple one would be telling your loved ones what your funeral wishes are: this requires an explicit acknowledgement that death is there for each of us, and not a taboo.
I do think that not being able to express your funeral wishes because you fear death so much is really sad. It doesn’t make death happen any more quickly or save anyone their grieving.
Your DIL may be able to avoid clowns- death, not so much?

This often gets trotted out on MN. How is it better to withdraw from someone, particularly a close family member, than tell them what you think, which MAY lead to change and a renewed/better relationship. Sometimes stuff comes out a bit harshly but that's better I think than just leaving someone without ever telling them why. If you say your but and they are still intolerable then fair enough.

I wouldn't feel bad. Everyone is allowed to have had enough and she sounds monumental hard work. We are generally very gentle with extremely difficult people, just because they are older.

@pallindromeemordnillap probably not your finest moment but I have a mother who drives me to that same point so I can sympathise. Don’t carry it, let it go.

You are human and you have snapped. It is something I have almost said to my mum a few times and she has also said it about herself too! Don't feel bad. We are all allowed to have moments of anger. My mum has said awful things to me, my sister and her other family over the years and I don't think she ever feels guilty about it (one I will always remember was when I had a miscarriage. Another when my beloved cat had died). Don't beat yourself up!

Yanbu. My mother's always concocting boredom busting sagas which she finds entertaining to drag me into. I find it so tedious. One day I am going to say something I'll regret.

Indeed.

I agree.

She doesn’t sound very nice op. That’s not at all nasty compared (clearly) to the way she’s been with you. Maybe if it was five years it might have been a bit mean but fifteen years?!! I’ll probably be dead in fifteen years…if someone pointed that out I wouldn’t be bothered. Because I’m not deluded.

i have a narcissistic mother and I’m the ‘truth teller’ of the family so I call her out on everything. I certainly won’t be telling her that she did her best. If she showed she’d changed than I would, but she will never change and the more the dementia progresses the more vile she becomes.

You lot need to stop being so passive or you’ll end up ill.

Agree, it's amazing how thick people are. Well no it isn't actually.

I was thinking this the other day as I helped my daughter clear up orange juice she spilled, how if that was me as a child there would have been screaming and then the silent treatment. If I smash or spill something I am still at the back of my mind pleased when I don't get into trouble , I must regress back to childhood and I am 52.

I think op what you said was the actions of someone who has had a lifetime of this and you get to the end of your tether, It wasn't a personal comment, it was factual so I don't know why people are getting all hand wringing about it. If you haven't lived through it or you were the kind of child who got screamed at and didn't care/didn't affect you then perhaps it may be hard to understand.