AIBU to tell someone they will be dead in 15 years so relax *MNHQ ADDING CONTENT WARNING FOR TOXIC PARENTING DISCUSSION*

[pallindromeemordnillap]

My mother is a complex person. Very loving in some ways but very destructive in others.

She literally will lambast and chastise over spilt WATER not just milk. Making a mountain out of a molehill over very little things is her norm. So much so I remember bursting out crying at a friends house when I dropped a spoon. I’ll never forget the dissonance I felt when the mum gave me a hug and told me not to sweat the small stuff.

Anyway my mum was having a go at my dad for not putting a food clip on the cereal box and I just told her to “give it a rest with the negativity as statistically speaking you are likely to be dead in 15 years and some dry cereal will be of absolutely no consequence”. Normally my mum would retort back but she was clearly gobsmacked.

Dh told me I was a bit nasty for bringing up her death.

AIBU?

Well yes it does depend on the person, my mother was nearly 80 when she died, she knew she was dying and it absolutely terrified her. Reminding her of it when she wasn't completely out of it on morphine would have been horrifically cruel and the fact that it wouldn't bother you is totally irrelevant.

When I (hopefully) reach my twilight years I don't think I will feel any less upset about the prospect of dying so won't wish to be reminded.

I am sorry your mother was so afraid, Iwasafool. Most elderly people are not, what they fear is disability, losing independence and chronic pain, but not death itself. I will be lucky to have another ten years, never mind fifteen, but death does not frighten me.

The op just made the remark off the top of her head and I doubt that her mum thinks about her mortality, far too busy moaning and being pernickity. It will have been water off a duck's back, momentarily stunning but that's all.

I said before, my mother was like that (with good points), she wasn't worried about dying and lived for the day, quite fit until she had a ruptured abdominal aneurysm at 85 and died within two days.

Pragmatic, and actually pretty funny. If anyone over 50 (like me) gets twitchy about reminders of their own mortality, then they're fools. We're all going to kick the bucket, and some of us much sooner than others 😂

The bottom line with this is that there are people in the world who can't control their anxiety and feel sorry for the impact of that on the people around them, and try to mitigate it. Then there are people in the world who can't control their anxiety and feel the world and everyone in it should rearrange itself and themselves to accommodate them and their anxiety, lest they have to make the slightest effort to make any changes themselves.

Most people are very sympathetic towards, and cut a lot of slack for the former.

Most people have little patience with the latter.

OP's mum sounds like she's in the latter group.

In our family we talk about death - seriously and lightheartedly - all the time. It’s a way of preparing and coming to terms.

It works too.

Lots of people can dish out criticism or harsh comments but can't take them. I think for many mother/daughter relationships this would be a brutal thing to say. But if a parent has spent a lifetime turning their family into nervous wrecks over trivial shit, it stands to reason that at some point one of them will snap.

For OPs mum, if this gives her pause for thought, that's not a terrible thing. OP I would suggest going back to her and saying you weren't wishing her ill, but constant overreaction needs addressing.

Sensible post above from ABirdsEyeView.

Very well said. Well done to you for seeing this and remedying it in your own family. There's a lot of projection on this thread from people who can't seem to see further than the cereal packet. I'm not surprised the OP has not been back.

My mother had cancer and it was painful and protracted and the last thing she needed was anyone making flippant remarks about death. I tend to think if some are sensitive and some are not it is best to err on the side of not upsetting the sensitive.

Maybe the fools are the insensitive people who can't appreciate we aren't all the same and their way isn't necessarily the best way for everyone.

@Iwasafool that must have been horrific and I’m sorry for your loss but in all respect that is a very different scenario and situation to the one the OP describes.

Mmm, do you think if a person who has such a temper over a dropped spoon that their child literally cries at the thought of it is sensitive? I would have said quite the opposite?

I also think that if you are a parent “with a temper” you have no cause for complaint when adult children treat you as you treated them. That’s what you taught them about how you treat people you love.
Certainly, anyone foul tempered to me is not going to get treated with kid gloves.

I think the OP can choose not to mention our mortality, but she could also replicate her mother’s style of speaking to her and just scream at her instead. I think that OP let her off lightly.

I’m sorry your mother experienced that.

I also think it is very sad that she was unable to prepare herself at all for death, and in doing so lost on many opportunities. It’s sad all round, because it isn’t a good example to set her children, she was unnecessarily fearful, and those around her also lust out.

What on earth is that MN added warning about?!

Surely the opening lines, “My mother is a complex person. Very loving in some ways but very destructive in others.” are enough to make those sensitive to such a discussion close the thread, without having any distressing information?

No wonder there are accusations of people being snowflakes these days.

That. I was 60 years old before I dared stand up to my mother.

I can't believe how many people are making OP's mother's behaviour OP's fault (even though she was a child) or her father's.

I don't know what made my mother make my childhood and my brother's so awful, and damage us so badly. And you know what? I don't care. We were her victims, and it won't make any difference. She's dead now and I don't regret any of the things I said when I finally got the courage to stand up to her.

I’m somewhat appalled that so many posters are defending Mothers reducing their children to weeping in fear because they dropped a spoon. This is not ok.

👏

No victim blaming please. Lots of people have fears, spiders, heights, my DIL has a terrible fear of clowns. Fear of death doesn't seem the most illogical fear to have.

The are other reasons for not being exactly happy about dying. I have 8 GC young adults down to young babies. I hate the thought I will probably die before the baby is an adult, I'd love to see the adult he will become but a good chance I won't so don't expect me to be viewing death as a positive. Actually if I do last 18 years I will probably (hopefully) have young GGC and I'll feel the same about them. I don't think there will be a time I embrace death.

Her mother wasn't even there. Maybe the OP has some anxiety issues that means she overreacts to quite simple things. After all she has overreacted to something that was nothing to do with her and to be honest why shouldn't her mother expect her husband to store things correctly?

What opportunities do you think she missed out on? By the time she got the diagnosis she was in extreme pain, moving from other painkillers to morphine and out of it most of the time, bedridden and really unwell. I'd be fascinated to know what all these opportunities were.

We're supposed to set an example for our children, even when dying in great pain?

"Unnecessary fearful"? That's the ultimate in victim blaming.

Remarkable. You think her Mother wasn’t there is a Defence?! No, it shows how her Mother had so programmed her to expect a terrible and shaming reaction to the simple act of dropping a spoon that she automatically went to that fear state, like a Pavlovian dog response. She is clear a calm response ( from friend mother) was so far from what she experienced it gave her cognitive dissonance. A parent shouldn’t have to react to a child at all for dropping a spoon, other than a minor prompt to clean up if something was on the spoon.

Attempts to saying the child was overreacting are bluntly, disgusting. You are basically having it ignore everything OP said to make this case. OP is clear about how her Mother was reactive to minor incidents. Even if OP were sensitive, you modify your parenting to your child. If you have a sensitive child you learn how to respond to that. You don’t keep on harshing to the extent your child cries in fear at minor things.

You are ignoring that she says her mother was very loving which hardly fits with your telling of the story. At the end of the day we have no idea if the OP is over sensitive, remembers childhood events exactly as they happened or she is lying about her mother being very loving.

What we do know is she interfered when her parents were having words and then said something she clearly knows was unpleasant and unnecessary.

I well remember visiting a friend and her daughter, my Goddaughter, had broken something. Her mother said not to worry and to clear it up. Child was fine for the next 2 or 3 hours. He dad arrived home, she ran down the hall screaming about how her mother had been so horrible and it was an accident she didn't mean to break it. The father was angry, fortunately I was there and was able to reassure him that although his DD clearly felt bad about what had happened her mother had not been unpleasant about it in anyway. Kids aren't always very accurate witnesses.

OP, while I think you went too far with what you said, I don't think you should necessarily be chastised for it, especially given the background. A lot of people who have had the privilege of not experiencing what it's like to have a neurotic, overly critical parent can be very judgemental. Nobody's situations are identical so people need to remember this.

My mum can be a nightmare. She has narcissistic traits and makes mountains out of molehills and gets into states, almost several times daily about menial things. It is mentally draining and utterly exhausting. At my most stressed and if I.have much more pressing matters on my mind, I could easily snap and say something really harsh to get her to shut up, so I can kind of understand you lashing out and losing your temper.

Maybe you could have a chat with your mum and explain you were stressed when you said what you did. You could even try saying she stresses you out when going on about things sometimes.

OP is an adult, not a child. She is an adult recounting her consistent experience as a child.

OP said her Mother could be loving but also very destructive. A parent swinging between those extremes is also an extremely stressful and unhealthy environment for a child to be raised in.

It’s striking that your opinion relies are assuming OP is simply wrong about her own childhood and that having a very destructive mother is quite normal, with nothing to see here.

i do wonder what your motive is for creating the interpretation that you have, when it is clearly based in nothing but your own bias.