AIBU to tell someone they will be dead in 15 years so relax *MNHQ ADDING CONTENT WARNING FOR TOXIC PARENTING DISCUSSION*

[pallindromeemordnillap]

My mother is a complex person. Very loving in some ways but very destructive in others.

She literally will lambast and chastise over spilt WATER not just milk. Making a mountain out of a molehill over very little things is her norm. So much so I remember bursting out crying at a friends house when I dropped a spoon. I’ll never forget the dissonance I felt when the mum gave me a hug and told me not to sweat the small stuff.

Anyway my mum was having a go at my dad for not putting a food clip on the cereal box and I just told her to “give it a rest with the negativity as statistically speaking you are likely to be dead in 15 years and some dry cereal will be of absolutely no consequence”. Normally my mum would retort back but she was clearly gobsmacked.

Dh told me I was a bit nasty for bringing up her death.

AIBU?

OP’s first line

My mother is a complex person. Very loving in some ways

So not all bad!

it was a mean thing to say - no idea if it’s factual as I don’t think we know how old the DM is.

But the OP doesn't say her mother has a particular hang up about the cereal clip. She suggests that her mother is like this about EVERYTHING (even spilt water).

So imagine it is the 10000th time the OP's mum has reminded her husband to put the cereal clip on. But in between those 10000 times she is also telling him to hang the toilet paper the right way round/not leave a teaspoon on the side/put the remote control back in its special place and a million other completely inconsequential things.

The problem with people like this is that it's not just one thing. It's everything. And if you make an extra special effort to remember to do everything they have ever asked you to do, they will find more things to criticise you for.

Criticising others is basically a personality type, or a hobby for some people. They don't have any other setting. And it's exhausting to live with.

We all die there’s no surprise about it so I don’t think it’s bad to be reminded of that fact while making a fuss about minor things 🤷🏼‍♀️

Horrible comment. Really nasty.

A heart to heart chat with your mum, fine. Telling her she'll be dead in 15 years like that not fine.

But it's not horrible to treat a small child (OP) so badly that she used to cry when she dropped a bloody spoon on the floor?

Can’t believe how many people think this was cruel, in my family we quite often use ‘well I’ll be dead soon/you’ll be dead soon’ as a leveller! No wonder we’re so fucked up as a nation if it’s cruel to remind people of their mortality.

Depends on how you speak to eachother usually and your family culture.

I can quite happily tell my mum to take her pain meds because worrying about prolonged use on her liver is frankly stupid when she's 85, for example.

Your mum is right about the cereal though. Soggy cereal I'd a today and tomorrow problem, not a 15 year problem

How can you be so sure your mum will be dead in 15 years? Are you planning to kill her?

Not a nice comment. If you want to put it into perspective, saying 'it won't kill you' would have been a reasonable response.

Could depend on how old she already is…
I say this about myself all the time, and if someone said it to me I’d just laugh. There are far worse things to say.

I'm curious as to how old your Mother is OP?
70ish?
Everyone in my family have died at completely different ages. Decades apart.
But I know what you are getting at.

Oh, is it a woman not putting the clip back on the packet? No, it's a man, therefore it's the man's fault. I think the mother should move out, get her own little place, so she doesn't have to spend her remaining years making up for other people's mess and lack of taking care of things.

It depends on the context. I even tell myself sometimes that "I'll be dead then so who cares?"

Nobody knows the OPs relationship with her mother. Only she knows and it was this situation that caused her to say what she did.

You've said it now, apologise if you feel the need or want to.

But a lot of people also need to bear in mind that not everyone has a good relationship with their Mom. You see advice on here all the time about leaving husbands, cutting off brothers, not taking any abuse or nagging etc off males, why are we so ready and willing to accept it off a woman?

You only get one Mom? And? You only get one Dad and other relatives, why are they so disposable?

Death by soggy cereal

It wasn’t a very nice thing to say, but we all say things that we later regret.🤷‍♀️

Have you tried actually talking to her about how her behaviour makes you feel, to try to get her to change it?

My DM is difficult too. I mainly didn't feel able to change how we related, and now that she has advanced alzheimers and it's too late, I feel so sad at what we both missed out on. She wanted to have a good relationship with me - like your DM I think - but neither of us knew how.

We did as a family manage to change how she related to another family member. It wasn't perfect, but it was enough - so it is possible (to an extent) and I wish I had tried. It's not too late for you yet. It might be for less than 15 years, but it will be something!

As for your comment, I have mixed feelings. If she's old enough for it to be true, I'm sure she's aware of it! I'm much younger - probably your own age - and seeing my parents reach the end of their time has made me aware of my own mortality and has changed what I think is important. It's sad in some ways, but quite freeing in others! I don't think it's a bad thing for your DM to think about in clear way. But it must have really hurt to have it flung at her by her daughter. I would be devastated if my DD said that to me - it would feel as if she already moved past my loss before I'd even gone. Talk to her.

I don't, either. Women aren't saints just because they're mothers. Some are negative and draining. Maybe this will give her pause.

Love it! she clearly has form and you’ve been tolerant for decades.
totally agree it’s not a “nice” thing to say but you’ve been saying the nice thing and she’s behaved appallingly! Why not try something new!
also the whole “she’s your mother” gang can do one in my view. Motherhood doesn’t make you a saint. Giving birth doesn’t make you a good person or caring or capable of providing what a child needs. There are more than a couple of women out there with children who are utterly miserable because of their behaviour.
well done OP. X

Wow, there are sensitive souls on the thread. Your mother sounds like she's thick skinned to get over it without too much angst.

If it gives her pause for thought then good. Some people are control freaks and negativity sumps.

We're not you and haven't lived your life and family dynamic. I doubt if what a random bunch of people on the internet say is going to make any difference to what you said or your feelings about it going forward. I don't suppose what you said will influence how your mother continues to behave either.

So how old is your mum?
I assume she's 70-ish as the life expectancy in the UK is around 84.

I'd be disgusted if my children said that to me.

You should be ashamed.
Maybe your Mum is on a short fuse because everyone in her household is uncaring and selfish and she's fed up with being the only one who organises anything or does any 'housekeeping'.

But it's said as a joke from your account, not as a nasty comment.

She’s probably asked time and time again for the clip to be put on, and time and time again it hasn’t been done. No wonder she’s fed up. She probably does more than her fair share of the daily grind in the house too.