AIBU to tell someone they will be dead in 15 years so relax *MNHQ ADDING CONTENT WARNING FOR TOXIC PARENTING DISCUSSION*

[pallindromeemordnillap]

My mother is a complex person. Very loving in some ways but very destructive in others.

She literally will lambast and chastise over spilt WATER not just milk. Making a mountain out of a molehill over very little things is her norm. So much so I remember bursting out crying at a friends house when I dropped a spoon. I’ll never forget the dissonance I felt when the mum gave me a hug and told me not to sweat the small stuff.

Anyway my mum was having a go at my dad for not putting a food clip on the cereal box and I just told her to “give it a rest with the negativity as statistically speaking you are likely to be dead in 15 years and some dry cereal will be of absolutely no consequence”. Normally my mum would retort back but she was clearly gobsmacked.

Dh told me I was a bit nasty for bringing up her death.

AIBU?

Very similar situation except it’s been almost four years. We only get one mother and when mine was gone it was like being run over by a truck. Anniversaries are hard 🌹

Sounds like you just had enough and didn't express it in the best way. Everyone has their breaking point. I'm sorry your mum is a twat ❤

The brutal, nasty answer will make anybody feel awful and will not do anything against that person's worry about small stuff. That was my point. And it may backfire.

I love this response, regardless of who it is to. Honestly has been lost as we’re all told to be nice to one another.

Living in a house with a someone who is dramatic is so difficult, though bet your dad was impressed (even if he did pay for it after you had left!).

I completely agree.

My mother made me anxious my whole childhood, EVERYTHING was a catastrophe, I could do everything right and she would find something to chastise me for. A life constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop has lifelong impacts that I'm still struggling with now.

YANBU

Disagree, and if it help her Mum from ruining everything all the time then it’s a bonus.
We are all going to die. Why choose to let your shit over a cereal clip and worse why think that everyone is going to go along with it?

Being reminded of your mortality is not altogether a bad thing. It’s very freeing for some people. I often think we’ll all be dead in 50 years so who cares if I wear whatever to school, or I don’t earn as much money as the next person, or my holidays aren’t as nice etc etc. I don’t think it’s an overly mean thing to have said.

I think for you @pallindromeemordnillap its a useful reminder that both your parents will probably be dead in 10-15 years, so either cherish them while they are around, or let the old memories go and take what happiness and joy you can from their being alive. Chances are they’ll both be dead in less than that and you’ll outlive them and you’ll want a few nice memories. Try not to hold on to the past, you yourself only have a limited time to live too. Don’t let the hurts of the past ruin your own short life if you can.

‘Imo there is no issue with saying “please remember to put the clip on”.’

There is when it is the 100th/1000th/1000000th time you have asked that. And your mum is only human.

It might be something trivial to you or your dad but clearly it is important to your mum. How hard is it to show her some consideration and keep the cereal from going stale/attracting ants/cockroaches by putting a clip on?

How much does she do for her husband? How much has she done for you? How many times has she come last while she looks after other people?

Life is short and maybe for the last couple of decades of her life she doesn’t want to eat stale cereal or be continuously replacing it or doing without cereal or continuously asking someone to be thoughtful and put the blasted clip on!

I will pm you.

@pallindromeemordnillap my mum must be your mums long lost sister!

I totally see your point, it’s so exhausting to watch and I can relate to your spoon dropping incident.

Mine was a cucumber on her friends floor, I must have been about 9 years old, her reaction was so over the top and she was acting like the world was ending.

I agree with your comment, you weren’t being nasty. You were just trying to put things in perspective for her, all this stressing will do her no good.

Said exactly the same to my mum. She was worrying about the state of the world and global warming.

This.

You can guarantee that if the OP's dad (or whoever) made an extra special effort to remember about the cereal clip, her mum would find something else to chastise him for, because this is her personality.

Nothing will change her at this point, it's baked in and probably already was before the OP was born.

But it's exhausting to live with.

Nothing wrong with reminding people of their mortality, particularly when their behaviour is making you want them to experience at your hands!!
Honestly, we all snap at those we love; don't worry

You're right that she could have asked more politely but the fact that you were very direct with your retort about when she was likely to die was a bit harsh and the message you were trying to convey was lost.

You could have phrased the same thing slightly differently about life being short and it would have been a little better I think.

I understand your frustration and you probably have put up for so long that you just reacted. Families and people are hard work.

That's the sort of thing I'd say to my mother. I wouldn't say it in frustration or anger, but then again my mum didn't make dropping a spoon on the ground such a big deal that it'd make me cry when it happened elsewhere.

Your not a nice person

Vile thing to say.

I would say it in a joking way. As in “jeeez mum, life is short and none of us is getting younger. Do you have to stress about this stuff?”

your mum sounds hard work. I probably would call her out on it if you are both adults

MN never seems to believe that mothers can be toxic or nasty that role is reserved for mothers in law

OP - YANBU. You didn't wish her dead - you were just telling her not to get so worked up about something that doesn't actually matter in the grand scheme of things. At all.

Interestingly, it's also posters telling you how horrible you are who are ones who've been the most unpleasant on here 🙄

I think OP has had a rough ride here. Yes, it was an unkind thing to say but these kinds of people are horrific to be around. My own mother was like it for much of my childhood. She's actually improved recently, but her general instinct is to act like everything is terrible, everyone has bad intentions and even minor mistakes are the end of the world.

You spilt a cup of water? Worst thing that's ever happened. Someone asked you for help? Why would they dare do that. It's so so draining and as a child truly awful to be around and impacts on your self esteem.

So yes maybe in an ideal world OP wouldn't have said that. But I do get it.

The OP didn’t say she was going to kill her mother! She just reminded her that our lives are limited and her death will happen too - we’ve got such a bizarre squeamishness about death in the West now, as if it’s a dreadful shocking taboo event that only happens to bad people caught out somehow.

We are very definitely all going to die! If someone is 75 they are more likely to die that if they’re 7, and plenty of philosophies encourage us to remember and dwell on it daily so we avoid exactly the kind of stresses the OP’s mother was bothering with.

OP, you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, and if more MN posters dwelt on our finite lives and how short and precious they are, most of AIBU wouldn’t exist anymore 😂

Sounds like she had it more than coming, to be honest.

....I'm impressed. When I read the OP, I couldn't see any way of making this one a man's fault. Excellent work. Well done.

Your point being? Mothers are as capable as anyone else of being complete bitches.

1000% with you OP. Hopefully will make her pause in dishing out anxiety to others.

id have said much worse.