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Elderly parents

Resentment of what parents did with their inheritance has wrecked our relationship

426 replies

MalePoster9000 · 24/07/2024 12:52

Parents are late 70s. I’m mid-40s.

I could go into details but it might be outing.

Anyway my mother always says “family is everything” but this has really not been reflected in any decisions / actions she and my father took with all that they inherited and didn’t need from the generation above them.

Anyone experience anything similar?

OP posts:
thedevilinablackdress · 24/07/2024 12:57

Difficult to say without details. If you were homeless and they bought a yacht, yes that seems unreasonable.

LightDrizzle · 24/07/2024 12:58

Did they give you a decent childhood and have they been present and supportive in your adulthood?

Presumably they’ve used their money to enjoy a good standard of living and travel etc. Do you think that was wrong. Should they have forgone that opportunity to pass it on to you?

Winter2020 · 24/07/2024 13:00

Many people are comfortable with the tradition that you inherit from your parents - when they die, and that your children in turn will inherit from you - when you die.

So if your parents are not dead it is not unusual to have not benefitted from any inheritance I don't think.

Of course it would be nice for you if they chose to give you some of their inheritance but they may think that your turn will come when they die.

dothehokeycokey · 24/07/2024 13:05

My parents inherited a very large sum about ten years ago now.

I guess they've probably blown through it all as both are shockingly crap with money and always have been.
They inherited at a time where their big pension payments came in and their mortgage finished

Me and one sibling were gifted a few thousand each from it and that was all however it's none of my business nor am I actually entitled to anything.

They've got tighter with age and funnily enough assume when we go anywhere or I do anything for them I pay which they definitely went expected to do with their parents.

BleachedJumper · 24/07/2024 13:07

Do you expect to inherit from them when they pass? Home sale etc.

stank · 24/07/2024 13:08

No, in that my inheritance was minimal, which has obviously shaped my view, but I am amazed that there are posts like this. in short I think you are saying that they did what they wanted with their money and you are upset that have not /will not give you more.

They might live for another 20 plus years yet, be grateful they are still around and enjoy their company rather than be bitter you will not be richer when they die. I’m aware I’m being harsh but I do find some people’s level of entitlement to other people’s money beyond belief.

IncompleteSenten · 24/07/2024 13:12

I don't know. You haven't been very clear.

My parents inherited from my mum's parents and they spent it.

I'm fine with that. It was left to them and they used it. 🤷. I had no expectations of them sitting on it so I could eventually have it. That would have been weird of me.

Is that the sort of thing you mean?

TomatoSandwiches · 24/07/2024 13:12

Really would need more details but on the face of it I don't think you have any right to be resentful, disappointed? Perhaps, resentful? No.

I don't know why people even think about inheriting whilst their parents are alive ( unless told specifically by the parents ) you really should never assume or rely on the thought of it.

Plasticfoot · 24/07/2024 13:14

I've no idea what my parents inherited from their parents, I certainly never expected any of it to come my way.

They have absolutely been there for me in every other way, but they gave me the upbringing and education to be able to earn my own living, spending their money on themselves doesn't mean family's not important to them.

ByCupidStunt · 24/07/2024 13:16

Context

TemuSpecialBuy · 24/07/2024 13:16

i mean… it depends…

you’ll get your arse handed to you whatever but probably YANBU.

if my parents fucked all their cash away on cruises and Nissan qashqai’s while banging on about loving their family while I was mortgaged up to the tits and paying 4k pm in childcare I’d struggle.

equally I’d struggle to go on 10k 2 week hols 5 times a year, and do whatever else if my kids didn’t have roofs over the heads…

but if they expected me to pay for the GCs ooh la la private education in full or pay off their mortgage in full for them “because” I’m not sure I’d be impressed

Hatfullofwillow · 24/07/2024 13:16

My parents are both dead and one of the things I find hardest is that while they were alive they both had a tough time and deserved much better lives. I don't resent the fact they didn't have anything for me to inherit.

Runsyd · 24/07/2024 13:19

I wonder what your parents really think about you, OP.

S1lverCandle · 24/07/2024 13:23

Did you expect them to keep it all to enhance your future inheritance, op?
The fact that it was an inheritance for them is a red herring, anyway.
Badically you're pissed off that they spent their own money in a way that you don't approve of. Tough.

Coughsweet · 24/07/2024 13:24

Can’t tell from your post. However, my DPs have passed away and while I could use what I inherited on some splashy spending, I would get more out of knowing my DCs will be ok with roof over head etc so it’s all earmarked for them.

Mildrewish · 24/07/2024 13:25

Inheritance is all a game of luck really. I never understand why people get so het up and feel so entitled to money they didn't spend a minute working for.

In my culture it's expected that children help their parents financially rather than the other way around. Maybe adjust your expectations and you will feel happier?

SummerFeelsLikeAutumn · 24/07/2024 13:25

I find it very distasteful for anyone to expect inheritance from their parents. It’s a very entitled attitude to take. Both our parents inherited huge sums and it would never have crossed mine nor DH’s mind to expect any of it, we were happy to see them enjoy themselves with exotic holidays, nice cars, weekends away etc which they’d never had bringing us up. If it wasn’t for their sacrifices neither of us would have got through Uni which set us up on great career paths. By the time our parents died we were financially secure and they left everything they had to their DGC.

MalePoster9000 · 24/07/2024 13:26

BleachedJumper · 24/07/2024 13:07

Do you expect to inherit from them when they pass? Home sale etc.

Yes but just 50%. They live in a 1970s house in a SE village which is moderately but not massively valuable. Their mortgage was just £30k in 1987.

They actually first proposed a will leaving 33% to my well-paid and happily married brother and 33% to his children! I’m childless and unmarried and have never owned a property. I have the anxiety that runs down one side of the family and am also partially deaf, though this they ignore.

They inherited a half share of three town-centre and city suburb properties which they sold off unnecessarily in 2004 and 2014. These had been in the family since the 1920s and 1950s.

Unfortunately therefore they missed out on the house price inflation of the past 10-20 years, as well as the rent they’d have generated.

There was cash, too, which could have bought out my uncle’s share.

They did once own a BTL in a crappy small town which was an obviously poor investment and they never asked me before purchasing. At the same time I rented a London flat in an area where prices doubled and tripled.

I’d have liked them to have kept hold of the properties they inherited, which there was no need to sell. Or to have bought a flat in London that I could have lived in. Or even a holiday home for themselves which would have appreciated in value.

They would counter that they often helped me with living expenses (I also received housing benefit). And that I’ve been able to move back in with them when things have gone belly-up.

But they never thought of me when it came
to the big decisions. Instead they’ve enjoyed a long upper middle class retirement (my mother only worked for 20-25 years also) after very ordinary middle class careers.

OP posts:
Colinswheels · 24/07/2024 13:27

I believe my parents inherited around 200k from the sale of my grandparents house. They gifted me and my brother 10k each and spent a large chunk of the rest on something that is non essential but has improved their lives and happiness massively. They don't spend excessively aside from this one off large expenditure. It didn't occur to me to be annoyed by this honestly.

anotherside · 24/07/2024 13:28

Some people in Britain like to bang on about family being everything, but we’re not really a family is everything culture. Kids, sure. But not so much adult children, siblings, parents, etc etc. The family is everything mantra is usually just hot air rather than backed up by actions. But your parents are far from alone in that so - unless there’s a lot more to this - resentment would be a big overreaction.

SoapOperaFamily · 24/07/2024 13:29

My dad married a woman younger than all of his children. She was from another country, and the marriage granted her permission to live in the U.K. that she would not otherwise have got. Once she had the residency permit in her hands she left him and had children with another man. He had written but didn’t get round to signing his will, which meant she accidentally inherited most of his share of our family’s business, which stretched back 3 generations and which at the time involved over a dozen members of the extended family. She immediately set about dismantling the business and forcing the sale of the property associated with it, causing distress to a number of family members (not just his children, but siblings and cousins too.)

I and my siblings had been told we would inherit our share of it along with our cousins when the time came. Now there is nothing left for any of us. So yes, it is possible to be a bit cross that your parent messes up an inheritance that is supposed to be passed down through generations without actually being grabby. My dad was given to generously by his parents both during their lifetime and after they died, but was frugal throughout his life with his children because he promised we would gain the benefits when he died. I was rather disappointed at the time (I could have retired on the inheritance he promised me) but I’ve got over it. I don’t believe in heaven or hell, but there is a little bit of me likes to pretend hell exists so people like his wife can live the rest of their lives knowing that is where they are going. She was greedy and plain nasty, but he was the stupid one.

Coughsweet · 24/07/2024 13:30

I never understand these threads. Parents are shitbags if they appear to have lots of time and money but don’t help with DGCs but it’s grasping to be upset about no/unbalanced inheritance. I was intending to lob what I inherited at my DCs at a time when their finances might be most tight and hopefully that will allow them to be able to cover nursery fees without being totally skint. Me and DH still be working for the best part of the next two decades so that seems the most practical option to me.

YellowAsteroid · 24/07/2024 13:31

My father splurged a considerable trust fund (he didn't really have to work most of his life, although he did work very hard for some of it). But we had excellent educations, secure housing and all the upper middle class trimmings. I'm far more affluent than my father now, but he & my mother gave us a very solid foundation.

I guess if you aren't now comfortably off, it is a bit galling, but if you were given a good start in life, then you can make your own way.

Quitelikeit · 24/07/2024 13:32

Op

why are you wasting your time criticising their choices?

they are not responsible for your financial wellbeing- you are

they were not obligated to keep property that would benefit you down the line either

i have worked so hard for everything I have - I’ve got every intention of enjoying that myself - if there’s anything left for thd kids - great - if not then it’s tough luck!

piscofrisco · 24/07/2024 13:32

My parents have blown through a massive inheritance they got from my late and lovely granpa. £1600 on a fancy vacuum they never use. Cars (when neither of them should have been driving for the past ten years), 6 grand on hearing aids that are then left in the drawer, home 'improvements' that have been anything but, and travel (which is fair enough and I encouraged them in). It's frustrating when I have been struggling a fair bit (and granpa would be livid), but it's their money at the end of the day. I don't think of it as mine or mine one day as that day isn't promised anyway.