Resentment of what parents did with their inheritance has wrecked our relationship

[MalePoster9000]

Parents are late 70s. I’m mid-40s.

I could go into details but it might be outing.

Anyway my mother always says “family is everything” but this has really not been reflected in any decisions / actions she and my father took with all that they inherited and didn’t need from the generation above them.

Anyone experience anything similar?

But it's their money!

You just sound jealous of your parents because they have done well for themselves and had a bit of luck along the way.

Its time you took ownership of your life and improve your circumstances rather than relying on other people to give you handouts.

Families can be so selfish, can't they? It's unbelievably rude that they refuse to die so you can have a windfall.

Bless you @MalePoster9000. You need to earn nice things.
Maybe do some more chores? Consider a sticker chart?

Yes, I agree

Eh?

I've got MS, Epilepsy and have had a Stroke. I don't deserve anything/more than my brothers.

What your parents get is theirs to keep.

How you know there was no reason for the properties to be sold?

My DGM owned some rentals that had been left by her father. They did provide a useful income and undoubtedly "the family" would be better off now if she'd kept them, but they caused nothing but headaches for her, requiring updating to meet building /rental safety standards, problems with tenants and neighbours, difficulty finding reliable tradesmen etc. It made perfect sense for her to dispose of them when she did and live (well) off the proceeds.

Bloody hell.
Imagine your parents spending their money on themselves as they see fit.
Never heard owt like it.
Entitled much.

My parents should have done the same (whether keeping hold of the properties with my uncle or passing them on) but didn’t. My uncle’s children also haven’t been able to get on the ladder.

Your parents could have done the same thing. It was enirely their decision. You are a grown adult, it's not your parents' responsibility to house you!

Cannot. Believe. Your parents changed their will to their grandchildren's disadvantage at your insistence.

I understand your sad / angry about how your perceive this unfairness to be but surely inheritances your parents have received are for them to enjoy as they see fit , not to hold onto for your and you siblings. It’s what they were gifted.

inheritance isn’t a right to have it’s a nice to be left.

You do seem very bitter about how your life is compared to your brothers - I’m guessing there’s a backstory here - but just because he has apparently got more/ done better doesn’t mean your parents ahould leave him less. Also, his children getting a share doesn’t mean he is getting more it means you parents initially wanted to leave their grandchildren something. Why should t they do this ? It’s not their fault there is t any other grandchildren and if there was your parents would have included them too.

Ultimately , you clearly feel you have had a hard life - which may be true - but unfortunately it’s not up to your parents to compensate you for this .You do come across as bitter and angry and I’m not sure this will help you long term if you hold onto these feelings.

What are you doing to tackle your anxiety, OP?

I get that life with disabilities is more challenging, but you do sound very entitled and like you don't really appreciate the support that your parents have given you. It's OK to wish that they hadn't sold the properties that they inherited, but ultimately, it was their choice to do whatever they wanted with them - the properties weren't left to you and so you don't get a say.

Well, you can live like this, swaddled in your outrage and going round and round about how unfair it all is, or you can draw a line and try to move on.

You can't change the past, they can't unsell those properties, your brother can't unhave his children. If you're learning to drive because there's no public transport in 'their village', is it right to assume you're currently living with your parents now? Surely that's a good way to save some money and begin to make a strategy for an independent future?

You have a fairly staggering sense of entitlement and a large chip on your shoulder.

YABU.

This whole posts positively reeks of entitlement, op. Very unpleasant.
Your parents should have bought you a house... 🤦‍♀️

Coughsweet
I never understand these threads. Parents are shitbags if they appear to have lots of time and money but don’t help with DGCs but it’s grasping to be upset about no/unbalanced inheritance. I was intending to lob what I inherited at my DCs at a time when their finances might be most tight and hopefully that will allow them to be able to cover nursery fees without being totally skint. Me and DH still be working for the best part of the next two decades so that seems the most practical option to me.

Of course they’re grabby- in years to come if you decide that you need money to make your life more comfortable/ figure out a way to do things differently you shouldn’t have somebody saying ‘how dare you spend your money that way!’

Someone above said about all the hearing aids in the drawer etc, so their parents got excited about being able to hear better, realised it didn’t work great and tried another one or realised after a few it didn’t work for them- that was their choice! If I did that I wouldn’t want someone saying’for god sake that’s my future money, stop trying to improve your life, I need it. Me!!!’

If you don’t feel you are safe driving due to your partial hearing loss and anxiety then you have an obligation to discuss with a suitably qualified medic. Until you have done so, perhaps update your driving instructor and insurers and put the lessons on hold.

re: your parents, you are a disloyal son judging them for financial decisions they made and then gossiping about them online. You are jealous of your sibling also. Your parents made a mistake by entrusting you with their personal financial information that you have chosen to write about online. How rude and unpleasant. You mention they have paid living expenses for you - perhaps this has run into thousands of pounds? How kind of them and how ungrateful of you to use this against them.

Clearly you weren’t happy for your nieces and nephews who were going to benefit from 33% of their grandparents estate. Perhaps, your parents felt this would off set the living expenses they had paid for you.

you sound a deeply discontented person, how sad for you. I hope your parents find out what you have been saying about them and don’t share further privileged and confidential information with you. Fwiw I don’t think the money would make you happy, each post you make seems to further confirm how unhappy you are in your life.

perhaps the driving lesson money could be used for a therapist?

There's so much to unpick here. You obviously dislike the decisions that your parents have made with their money. It's up to you if you dislike these decisions enough to carry on resenting them.

I am almost completely deaf and am a hearing aid user. This has never made me feel like I should receive more from my parents, as an adult. This is their money, not yours, it really is up to them what they choose to do with it, you don't have to like it.

I must be missing something here, but it appears that you are getting a half share of whatever is left when your parents die. I don't really understand what more you could possibly want.

I'm not entirely clear why they should have solicited your opinion about previous house purchases or sales. It doesn't sound as though you have any experience of either house buying or selling yourself. Surely, it is their prerogative to do as they please with their hard-earned money (from their 'ordinary middle class careers'!!!!).

Anyhow, they are only in their 70s with years ahead of them. It seems a bit premature to be worrying about what you might receive. They may both need to go into care homes, in which case 50% of what's left, might be very little!

I think you’re the problem from your updates. “Actively evil” get a grip.

I know someone who is estranged from their mother due to their inheritance expectations and it is so sad as their mother is a lovely old lady who lost her husband many years ago and is living on the proceeds of the life they built together. The estranged one is ‘worried that she is spending all of his inheritance’.

Now he won’t even speak to her because she won’t let him into her financial affairs.

She is old but active and vibrant, I hope she does spend it all.

Yes, I think it is unfortunate that your parents made poor financial decisions with investments of property left to them.
It is unfortunate that their children, and those of your uncle, are not on the property ladder.

Could you band together and buy a property together with cousin? Seek financial advice about how to purchase a home, Op.

You feel how you feel. No inheritance is guaranteed - it maybe eaten up with care home fees. Could they have helped you more - probably but they didn't. Personally I'd want to help my children as much as I could.

One of the properties in particular was one that you’d just never, ever sell.

It was a 5 bedroom flat in an early 1900 building, a few minutes from the main square and the sea front in a European university town.

(So much for avoiding identifying details…).

I believe it would be worth around 900.000 Euros now, and was sold for perhaps a quarter of that. Yes it needed renovating but it had timeless value. Yes there was a service charge but nothing insurmountable.

It also embodied the family history my mother talks about. It had been bought by my great-grandparents and then my great aunt lived there.

That’s the sale that rankles the most.

It’s their inheritance, let them do what they want with it.

when you get yours, do what you want

What a grubby OP and grubbier updates.

Your parents are still living. They might live another decade or two. And you are wasting your relationship salivating over what they might or might not leave you when they are dead.

Fret about it once they are gone. And stop being so grasping. Its not your money.