Resentment of what parents did with their inheritance has wrecked our relationship

[MalePoster9000]

Parents are late 70s. I’m mid-40s.

I could go into details but it might be outing.

Anyway my mother always says “family is everything” but this has really not been reflected in any decisions / actions she and my father took with all that they inherited and didn’t need from the generation above them.

Anyone experience anything similar?

So you expected your parents to become landlords for your gain? It’s a PITA being a landlord, did you offer to help them to manage it? Or just sit back expecting a big inheritance?

change your own destiny, you owe yourself a good life, no one else does

6k on hearing aids left in the drawers ? 😳

You have to accept that, in life, you can only control yourself and not others.
Your parents have not done as you would want but why should they? The money was left to them and, if they chose to make your life easier, it might have been nice but they are not obliged to.

Without wanting to sound unkind you do seem to have a bit of a "poor me/victim" mentality. Life is what you make it

My grandmother made no secret of the fact that she was planning to leave more money to my dad than to her other child.

My dad’s other sibling had no children (very sadly - they were wanted) and openly said they would leave everything they had to charity eventually. So my gran left more to my dad precisely because it was meant eventually for us. Perfectly sound logic, even if you don’t like it.

You’ve stated that your parents have helped you with your living costs over the years and given you a place to live when you needed one. I’m going to make a fairly safe assumption here that you probably weren’t contributing financially when you lived with them.

They’ve supported you when you needed it.

Evil? Sorry to be blunt but you really need to get over this and take some responsibility for your own life. You sound like a brat. It’s hard to believe you’re in your 40’s.

It's shit having a dead parent and I genuinely couldn't care less what money is left when my lovely dad leaves us.

It is shit having a dead parent. I miss my dad - he was a complicated person but sowed the seeds of what I became. I’ve achieved some big things in recent years, as has DC1, and I know he would have been proud and impressed, and I am sorry and sad I cannot tell him. But regardless of the sense of grief a lost parent leaves you with, I can tell you it can be magnified beyond anything you could imagine when you have a foreign woman locking you out of his house the day after he dies, trying to sneak off with his ashes, dismantling a family business and ruining relationships between family members as a result, burning your family photos, destroying heirlooms and items the family has had for generations, costing you thousands in legal fees not to take a case against her but to defend against her actions towards you, and generally badmouthing the relationship you had with your dad when he was alive. It is possible to be disappointed with a parent’s choices without being entitled, grabby or expectant of anything more than a degree of dignity to grieve and to not have your life turned upside down by those choices when they die. He will be forever known as ‘that silly man’ in our household, and it doesn’t matter what his relationship was with us when he was alive - his choices that resulted in several years of emotional turmoil that we need not have experienced have forever coloured mine and my siblings’ memories of the relationship that we had.

You sound like an entitled brat who has made some poor life/financial choices, and now resenting your parents for not bailing you out! Honestly op do yourself a favour and stop talking about money & your inheritance with your parents before they cut you off entirely (I bloody would!)

my parents both inherited decent sums (£200-400k) and along with ok jobs, this enabled them to live a very nice life. They are now older and have had many years retirement going on fab holidays and generally enjoying life and now spending the money on private healthcare when needed, home help, a gardener and cleaner, posh meal deliveries etc. There may or may not be anything left and we are all encouraging them to spend whatever it takes to make them happy and comfortable in their later years. Highly likely there will be an inheritance to share amongst siblings but a long stint in a care home by either or certainly both could quickly see that diminish. And that’s fine because it’s money they either earnt or were gifted.

brilliant summary

Tbh, I suspect this outburst is just the top of the iceberg and is probably why they didn’t buy you a property. Well guess what, neither did mine. I worked hard and brought my own. You sound extraordinarily entitled. I’m glad your parents have used the funds to enjoy life!

You sound like a chippy pouting sulky child tbh. Nobody is owed inheritance. Of course it's nice if you do receive something but tbh most of us just inherit genes and character.

Your DPs inherited some money and spent it (and why not!) whilst it appears you have lived your life to date being bitter, and hanging around waiting for a handout/them to die?

How about working on self awareness, self motivation, ambition and hard work. How's your career going or are they still funding you at 40? Pass your driving test and move out! What's your plan to get on with your life and "adult".

If they need care home as they get older then their house may have to be sold to fund it and you could end up with zip anyway.

You now say your parents are leaving you and your brother equal inheritance so that's all right.

They've helped you, not as much as you would have liked but they have and it sounds as though they've been decent parents. The fact that they made some unwise decisions about inherited property is neither her nor there, most of us do that to some extent and could kick ourselves afterwards - but they still got some money out of them so not all was lost.

Your parents are entitled to enjoy what they have, I wish more people would do that.

You will be OK when they pop their clogs. It is stupid and mean to be resentful.

It's their inheritance and their choice regarding what they do with it. You don't have to like their decisions but it sounds as though you're eaten up with bitterness and that's very unhealthy.

Whilst I agree that no one is entitled to inheritance (and for the record, I expect my parents' estate to go directly to their gc, and my in-laws to go to my wife's brother, who's need is greater) - would people here feel compelled to protect any family inheritance that they did get for their own children so that they can benefit as well? I know that I would.

They didn’t change it. They hadn’t made it at that stage.

I think you have separate issues that you’re confusing as one whole one. The sale of your families properties is sad and it’s ok to feel that way but they were never yours so what your parents did with them was their choice and cannot be changed.

The not wanting them to leave money to your brother’s children, their grandchildren, is what confuses me the most. You’re upset you haven’t benefited from the inheritance from your own grandparents yet don’t want your parent’s grandchildren inheriting? It’s the same relationship so surely you should be happy for your nieces/nephews to inherit and not experience this same injustice you think you have?

Changed their intentions then.

They love their grandchildren and wanted to financially help them with their estate, and now that's not happening because you kicked up a fuss. Are you not ashamed of that?

OP you sound extremely immature and seem to think others are responsible for the outcomes in your life. Your posts read like adolescent jealousy.

By selling the property, they were able to give you money towards ‘living expenses’ and afford to take you in. Do they judge you for your spending? Like you judge them for theirs.

As an adult, you have failed to launch. The first part of becoming an adult, is taking responsibility. Stop blaming others and your circumstances and get on with it.

So many entitled posts these days. The will thing I understand is hurful, but your parents do not owe it to you to keep property or buy a flat in London. My parents have given me not one penny, and also made some unwise financial deicsions. I don't hold it against them,.

Oh and you hang out with the wrong people. Most people I hang out with have got nothing from parents ( all first gen immigrants).

OP you come across quite badly.

You’re not entitled to inherit more because you’re partially deaf and have anxiety. I don’t know why you keep mentioning it.

It would have been their choice to leave money to their grandchildren, and it feels “actively evil” that you’ve talked them out of it, just because you want a bigger share.

I so agree with this! I want to see my parents happy and comfortable, I want them to go on lovely holidays, have hobbies, active social lives, beautiful homes and gardens and be healthy. If they have that and leave us nothing at all I’ll be over the moon. I don’t want them missing out on life because they’re worrying about money.

But... but... it's done! You can't change any of it. You can either live with this simmering rage or you can try to find a way to let go. It doesn't matter if they sold the Taj Mahal and bought 800 million scratchcards, once you've screamed about how stupid that was... then what? Do you need the agreement from x people that they made some dubious decisions before you can start living your own life, instead of the imaginary one in which you're ensconced in a Maida Vale flat, courtesy of your shrewder imaginary parents?

I suspect this thread will go pfffft in 3,2,1...

Just Wow. Entitlement at it's finest 👏

Yes that’s right. I was priced out of the rented London flat where I’d lived for many years (and which I’d wished my parents had bought when they had the chance), and I moved back in with them last year. It’s hard to see a way forward that doesn’t involve a Time Machine.

Yanbu

They have been shortsighted. They could’ve built generational wealth instead of pissing it all away. My cousin is attempting to do just that as a first generation grow wealth for his son and future descendants.