Resentment of what parents did with their inheritance has wrecked our relationship

[MalePoster9000]

Parents are late 70s. I’m mid-40s.

I could go into details but it might be outing.

Anyway my mother always says “family is everything” but this has really not been reflected in any decisions / actions she and my father took with all that they inherited and didn’t need from the generation above them.

Anyone experience anything similar?

Wow op. Bluntly, you sound horrible. An entitled spoilt privileged man.

My parents are dead. I miss them both terribly.
They inherited nothing from their parents. They had nothing to give to me or my DB when we were young or when we got married. We had to pay for everything ourselves.

DM died first, naturally DF inherited what they had. Two years later DF sold their house for a fraction of what it was worth then emigrated to Spain to live near his brother.
When he died there he had almost nothing except his house. The Spanish government took most of what he left (no nil rate inheritance allowance in Spain) and most of the balance went in legal fees. I gave my share of what was left to my DB as I did not need any of it, whereas he has very little. (By then I had inherited my second husband's estate).

My view on inheritance is that is family money. I was very fortunate in that both my husbands were very well off before I met them.
I divorced my first husband in 1993 and remarried in 1995. All I took from my 1st husband was half the value of our jointly owned house. It didn't occur to me to take half of his savings, pension etc.

My second husband died in 2008, leaving me fairly well off. Again, I considered the money as family money. DH would have wanted me to help both DC with it, including DD, who was my 1st husband's daughter, not his.

When DD was buying a house I gave her a deposit. I did the same for DS.

DD's father died three years ago and DD inherited his considerable estate. When he was dying he told DD to look after both DS and myself financially if we needed it. I still give both DC money if they need it and will continue to do so. DD gave her DB money from her father's estate for new flooring for his house. She also paid for us all to go on holiday.
I would much rather share what I have if I can afford to, rather than say this is mine. However, I believe that anyone who inherits is entitled to do what they like with it; ust as my DF did when he sold up and moved to Spain. I was heartbroken when he did, but it was his choice. He died there alone very suddenly. Not at all what I would want for myself but it was what he wanted. Both my DC are growing up with a good attitude towards money and how it can help everyone. Yes I know we are very fortunate to be able to do this. I think it is a pity there are so many fights about inheritance which cause some families so much anger and upset.

“I’d have liked them to have kept hold of the properties they inherited, which there was no need to sell.”

but you didn’t inherit them they did so it’s not really up to you or what you’d like

It's weird, because on the one hand, OP seems to believe that wealth should be passed down the generations rather than being spent on enhancing the lives of individual family members, but on the other hand, she clearly feels that her brother's children shouldn't have any claim on her parents' assets.

Why are you even still living at home in your mid 40s, op?

Never mind bitching about your parents not having bought you the house of your choice, and have the temerity to include their own grandchildren in their will?
Go and make a life for yourself, funded by you.

Honestly, OP, you should move out of your parents' house. You seriously need to stand on your own two feet, and not seething and simmering under your parents' roof.

Boo fucking hoo.

I have read your OP and all your subsequent posts and it sounds like entitled drivel. It's their money and their choice how they spend it and leave it. Frankly if you have outed yourself and as your parent I was reading this on here I would be leaving 50% to your brother and 50% to his kids.

That's lovely of your parents to house a perfectly able middle aged man who has been unable to take any responsibility for sorting himself out. I hope you're paying them as much rent as you can afford and doing at least if not more of your share of the chores.

The way forward is for you to build your career and become financially independent of them. You need to focus and look forward, not spend time worrying about the past that you can't change.

It also embodied the family history my mother talks about. It had been bought by my great-grandparents and then my great aunt lived there.
Why not commission a drawing of this property in a European coastal city, or even visit and take some nice photos? I mean, if it is important to you, the image will reawaken your fond memories.
Its not like it's all about the money with you...

It was your parents' money to dispose of. If the testator had wanted them to hold it in trust for you, he or she would have set up a trust fund.

YABU for the “just 50%” comment. Just because your brother is better off than you, you expect your parents to disinherit him and give you the lot?!

Yep! I wouldn't be happy about having mhy DC living with me in their 40s. And I also live in London and haven't got a penny from my parents.

Are you paying your parents a market rate rent and pulling your weight with the housework? I'm guessing not.

They're saving you tens of thousands a year if I'm right.

It's one thing to be annoyed at their approach to their wills, but it's entirely another thing to be raging about their poor financial decision making with their inheritance.

I empathise with the will thing. My parents have given one of my siblings astonishing sums of money and a house because he's a walking disaster of a human. My mum inherited everything when dad died and is now burning her way through through the money on things I probably think are frivolous. BUT it is her money not mine. You need to try and find a way to focus on what you have and how to run your life so that you are more content. Comparison really is the thief of joy.

Wow, the more you post, the twattier you sound. 😆

Grow up and learn to be proud of standing on your own two feet. Your parents job is done when you leave home as an adult.

You say they’ve let you move back home so they’ve already gone above and beyond. What do you do for them to make their lives easier?

They must be heartily sick of your whinging and whining and I can see why they’d prefer to split the inheritance 3 ways and let the grandkids have a crack at it.

In fact, I hope they leave you less than 10% and that you only find out the truth when they’re gone. You might sit and reflect a bit then.

Same here. An old friend's mum died recently after selling her house to pay for her own care in a care home for the past few years. I found both the old friend's and her family's grumbling about the money very distasteful. They'd got rid of all her stuff within three days and were at the lawyers the next day.

I see your point. But actually the inheritance my mother had came from grandmother, great uncle and his wife, and her great aunt. Sadly only my grandmother had children amongst her generation.

My father’s parents had died long before I was born, and my grandfather when I was a child.

More nonsense! Why the hell should your parents have bought your flat, rather than you buying your bloody flat? "While they had the chance" indeed.

I inherited depression, anxiety, shit eyeshit, neuro diversity and a host of chronic illnesses - should I invoice my parents for these individually or together?

Who do you think you inherited the chip on your shoulder from @MalePoster9000 ?

You sound entitled and obsessive - your parents sold properties years ago yet you are still ‘rankled’. It was none of your business then and it’s even less now.

Neither anxiety or being half deaf should have stopped you making yourself as successful and secure as your brother. Your entitlement did that. Your bitterness towards your brother for having a life that’s not dependent on soaking elderly parents is telling.

Your parents were being fair and leaving something to you, your brother and his children, yet you’ve whined and stomped til it’s 50/50.

And I imagine even that won’t be enough. You’ll spend your life being bitter about how much more you should have had because your parents had the nerve not to consult a sulky, entitled child over their every financial decision.

I hope they leave it all to a cats home.

I’m sorry OP but I’m really struggling to understand why you feel your situation is all your parents fault, or why you feel they should have chosen to spend their money on you, rather than you actively trying to change your situation?

I do think there’s an unhappiness at my childhood behind all this. The usual stuff - father was a mood tyrant, mother was loving but both mollycoddling and oblivious. The usual stuff.

These posts always end with "My parents were abusive so they owe me".. And a drip feed.

Get therapy.

It’s hard to see a way forward that doesn’t involve a Time Machine……and a tiny violin 🎻

My fil has lots of money but is actively spending all it so we don't inherit and has told us this. Mil refuses to tell us if she had a will or LPA whrn my mum unexpectedly suddenly died out of the blue.

Couldn't give less of a shit about either choices.

Just think it's one less thing to worry about whrn estates get wrapped up. There's always a positive.

But fundamentally it's none of my business and never was my money to worry about.

I'm more worried about it they have told anyone their wishes if they get ill, but again, that their choice not mine. If they want the state to make those desisions we are going to have to respect that.

It's their choice to make