Resentment of what parents did with their inheritance has wrecked our relationship

[MalePoster9000]

Parents are late 70s. I’m mid-40s.

I could go into details but it might be outing.

Anyway my mother always says “family is everything” but this has really not been reflected in any decisions / actions she and my father took with all that they inherited and didn’t need from the generation above them.

Anyone experience anything similar?

OP, your life just isn't that hard.

Grow up.

I’m completely deaf in one ear since birth or early childhood, with mild to moderate hearing loss in the other that’s developed as I got older.

But I only started wearing a hearing aid (plus a CROS aid which is a microphone on the deaf side that sends sound over to the hearing ear) when I was in my late 30s.

I do think my deafness accounts for why I’ve spent so much time trapped in my own head and not dynamically moving forward in life.

One therapist told me that while on one level it’s positive to act like a disability doesn’t exist - which is what my parents did and still do - it’s not helpful for them to do it when the disability actually does exist!

It’s also odd when you’re partially deaf because generally you don’t have anything to do with the deaf world, but are disabled in how you function in the hearing world too.

My spatial awareness isn’t great and I worry that’ll affect my driving. I’m doing okay with lessons but every so often, particularly on roundabouts, a vehicle will appear out of nowhere that I hadn’t realised was there.

My mum is totally deaf in one ear, from childhood, because her eardrum burst.

She's an excellent driver. And a very capable person.

She also has anxiety. She manages it.

These things only stop you if you decide they're limiting.

Op - I have two friends who are deaf in one ear and hearing loss in the other. Other than the fact we have to sit the right way round in a restaurant, neither of them ever ever mention it. They both have jobs, one office who it makes no odds to except from sitting in the right place in a meeting, and the other, a teacher, just has to make sure she's standing the right way to hear the class.

Thanks for your post. I’d probably rather be a lodger of a live-in landlord as I’d find the randomness of living with other tenants too difficult to deal with. In my long-term London rental over time I made it so that it was just me on the contract, and then I got young professionals or students to sublet the second room with the landlord’s consent. So I was the boss, but given the number of people looking I could find someone who didn’t mind me or that set-up. I’d look for that in reverse. Plenty of rooms for rent around £700-£800 with live in landlords, and often in better areas of London than I’d ever be able to be a tenant. Something to aim for once I can figure out what work I could do. Anything I’ve done previously has been superseded by technology so either retraining or finding something minimum wage is what I’d be looking at. Maybe a sales role.

I did have a phone call with a counsellor via the charity that I’ve been referred to, but it’s not going to be particularly regular.

Finding some form of volunteering would probably do me more good as it might help puncture my victim mentality which, I’m gathering from this thread, is seen as wholly unwarranted!

Exercise would be brilliant for your mental health and anxiety. If you haven't exercised in a while start by going for a walk each day and build up to doing bursts of jogging.

I have heard good things about the couch to 5k programme.

Despite being a few stone overweight I regularly jog the 5k trail in my local woods and it is brilliant for my feelings of wellbeing.

You could also look for groups to enjoy exercising with others.

OP grow up.

I think your brothers children are people in their own right & not subsections of him. So it's reasonable to include them independently (eg 33% him, 33% kids, 33% you) if that's what they want

Talk about sense of entitlement.

OP, I think the fact that you are able to think through what people are telling you on this thread, and respond well, suggests to me you have just got stuck in a rut in more ways than one, but you have enough flexibility to get out of it. Many times posters can't hear what is being said to them or refuse to accept it- that's not the case here. I think you should prioritise therapy paying for it yourself from money saved on rent as you would benefit massively from talking these things through, and you are in an open enough mind-set to listen to what they are saying to you. There is a lot of hope in this situation, even though you have painted yourself in the victim corner in some ways. You have worked, you have lived independently, you will get back on track.

I have the same disability as you deaf in my left and I have 80% in my right. I don't drive mainly because I have put my children first throughout the years and it does cost. If I had the time to sit and focus on what I need to do and have the money to pay for lessons I will be driving. You should be using your eyes more than your ears.

What irritates me is when my partner walks up the stairs and talk to me as if I can hear him. All I hear is mumbling

Have you thought about becoming a plumber or electrician or even a gas engineer. They all pay well and technology will not be taking them over.

People who are profoundly deaf can drive, work and are able to “move forward with life”.

I think you are limiting yourself but you can learn to drive if you want to.

My suggestion with driving is to get an automatic license if you feel you need complete concentration on the road- gears are one more thing to worry about, I find driving an automatic pretty easy now and wouldn't go back. If you live in a rural or small town now, this could be transformative and now's the time to do an intensive course, whilst you are saving on rent and have the time to spend on it.

My mum inherited from her parents, my dad's parents didn't leave much at all. Other than having a kitchen renovation & a new car, they didn't spend the majority of the inheritance & it's in the bank for me & my brother along with the house when my mum passes.

i couldn’t spend spend spend inherited money on frivolous stuff while my kids were struggling. My own earned money can be squandered as much as I like ( id still rather help my kids if they needed it though)but I feel abig sum of inherited money that I got with no effort should be shared with younger generations or at least benefit them in future.

îve not read everything OP but your parents do sound like they care , you live with them and they’ve helped you financially . They maybe haven’t been or done what you wanted but perhaps it’s just their way and they don’t know how to be different. My advice would be to accept this and love them with all their perceived faults. We all have faults after all . At the end of the day they are there for you when tou need them and that’s a huge thing.

I hope things get better for you

OP is your name Ignatius J Reilly?

if I inherited anything there’s no way I wouldn’t share it with my kids, it would be part of the benefit for me to see them secure.

my grandparents died without a pot to piss in so no inheritance for anyone there. My parents are leaving money to their 6 grandchildren and my siblings and I will get passed over. Assuming the care homes don’t take it all first that is.

Because you keep going on about being single and it seems to be built up resentment. So what that you’re single? Go and do what everyone else does. You’re not special, no matter what you think. You sound draining to be around.

Ok op, I can see you are listening and taking some comments on board and I really hope this thread has given you the kick you need to change your life and your mindset. Covid was an awful time, it left my asd dd in a state that she is only just coming out from, and it has affected peoples mental health in so many ways. Good luck to you.

OP Im glad your parents have agreed to the 50/50 split between your brother. I agree that splitting 3 ways and including your DB’s children really wouldn’t have been fair.

But beyond that, reading your posts is enraging. You are taking no responsibility for the outcome of your life!

Why haven’t you had support for your anxiety? I know therapy is hard to get on the NHS but your GP could help you with medication that would help help the symptoms.

I don’t know much about deafness, but why did you only start wearing aids in your 30s? Could you be getting more help now? Why do you exclude yourself from the deaf community when your deafness does effect you?

If you’re single and don’t want to be, what are you doing about it? There are so many sites and apps now to help you meet people regardless of where you live.

If you want a better job, retrain! You did a degree and an MA so are clearly bright. ok other jobs you’ve done were replaced by automation but why not look at getting into AI? Demand in that area is only going to get bigger.

As someone else said, your life just isn’t that hard!! The stories I could tell you about my upbringing would make your toes curl. Doctors and therapists are horrified when I have to go through it all with them. But I’m successful and married with kids now. I took responsibility for life, worked hard, took every opportunity I could and accepted every form of help for my mental health. It’s not easy and no it’s not fair that other people have it easier but that’s life.

This is a great idea. Also it’s a physical job and means dealing with people face to face so might help your mental health and make you feel less isolated OP

Vulnerable narcissism is a thing. I do think you have the entitlement, quite honestly. You said a few posts ago that your parents have supported you during many of your 'independent' years, but you still resent them spending money on themselves. I genuinely feel very sorry for your parents, who have still taken you in despite your obvious contempt for them.

I second the idea of getting up off the sofa and starting to walk for at least an hour a day, it’s free and something you could do right now.

I think you sound depressed and should start looking at what steps you can take to improve your mood and wellbeing, there are so many ports of call you mentioned CALM and also Action for Happiness is very good.

I think you have got the message that’s the criticisms you levelled against your parents are unwarranted and you are the architect of your own misfortune. I would reflect on this and genuinely try and lose that mentality. Perhaps realising how fortunate you have been to have had and continue to have financial support from your parents would be a good start to turning your thinking around.

Can't imagine why you're single 🙄

Nothing like a bitter, whiney individual who feels they are 'owed' because they've made shit choices in life.
Resentful at the thought of being deprived of an extra 17% inheritance but fine for your nieces/nephews to be.
I still can't believe what i've just read and the level of entitlement

I’ve only got 25% natural hearing I’m classed as deaf, I ride a motorbike , not able to use hearing aids on the bike though