Resentment of what parents did with their inheritance has wrecked our relationship

[MalePoster9000]

Parents are late 70s. I’m mid-40s.

I could go into details but it might be outing.

Anyway my mother always says “family is everything” but this has really not been reflected in any decisions / actions she and my father took with all that they inherited and didn’t need from the generation above them.

Anyone experience anything similar?

They would counter that they often helped me with living expenses (I also received housing benefit). And that I’ve been able to move back in with them when things have gone belly-up.

I don't know if you really understand what a huge privilege this is.

Also I don't understand why you think they should be consulting you about all their decisions. So long as you are not inheriting debt I think you need to find a way to accept their choices.

The thing with a half share of properties is the fact that selling or holding on to them is not just their decision. Shared properties can also be a nightmare in my experience and they were probably right to sell.

Honestly, you are coming across as very entitled and selfish. It was money left to them they are entitled to spend it how they like. Just because they had ordinary careers when should then have a frugal retirement for your benefit. You also sound like you have a chip on your shoulder about your brother.

I think it’s up to them to do what they want with their inheritance tbh. You seem to be clued up on property values and investments yet don’t own your own home. Could you not have planned your own future better rather than expect a handout from your parents. Especially living with them for a time, could you not have saved up for yourself?
Perhaps you’re upset with your own decisions too OP. You probably need to let this go otherwise you may always feel cheated. Not that I think you have been cheated.

But they never thought of me when it came
to the big decisions. Instead they’ve enjoyed a long upper middle class retirement (my mother only worked for 20-25 years also) after very ordinary middle class careers

You’re coming across as extremely entitled OP. It’s absolutely none of your business how they spent their inheritance or the decisions they made regarding property. You REALLY expected them to buy you a flat to live in? 😂 Your post is very me me me.

Of course they didn’t have to be landlords if they didn’t want to - and no one has a crystal ball to predict property prices.
the split between yourself, your brother and his children also sounds reasonable, assuming the children are adults or the money is held in trust until they are.

You don’t own a property and they haven’t assisted you financially. I understand why you are upset

I don't even know where to start with the sense of entitlement in your posts! It's all me, me, me. They should have kept hold of inherited properties, they should not have bought a BLT where they did, instead they should have bought you a flat in London, they should be giving you 50% of everything left instead of thinking of their grandchildren as well. You sound like a peach!

YABVU

I find Mumsnet attitude towards children very odd. Everything I have is theirs, everything i work for, is for them. I put them on this planet and I’ll try my hardest to smooth things for them. I have high expectations around chores and service to to others but they won’t know poverty like I have done. I had to choose between sanitary towels and food when their dad left me and I swear I’ll never watch them suffer.
If you don’t feel like this then I don’t think you should have had children.

But at the same time, don’t claim to be St. Beneficence if you spaffed all the family money you got your hands on, leaving zero to pass on in the same way.

They can spend what they like, but OP is perfectly entitled to view them as selfish hypocrites (being that they are!)

i'll get nothhing op parents spent eveyrting- just the way it is

I’m astounded by the idea that people think they have the right to question their parent’s choices. This didn’t used to be the case.

Two of my parent’s grandchildren asked for my parents house to be left to them - bypassing their own parents.

They were told to wait for their own mums and dads to die. They took offence 😂

I don't understand why you feel they should have consulted you about selling the half share of the properties (which presumably they needed to take another person's views into comsideration).

Or why you should have been consulted when they bought a buy to let.

I have some sympathy for you if you have struggled and they have money but equally I really don't see why they should take investment advice from you.

Oh the contrary, I think that leaving 66% to my brother and his children, when he owns a big house, has a well paid job, and will inherit on his wife’s side too, would be actively evil.

He hasn’t been affected by the severe anxiety that runs down one side of the family, isn’t partially deaf, and has had none of the troubles I’ve had.

Anyway fortunately even my parents could be persuaded of the injustice of what they were proposing and they’ve told me it’ll be 50/50.

So I'm not accused of being bitter, I have made a conscious decision to expect no inheritance so I am not personally put out by this.

But I can see where the OP is coming from. What we're calling a standard middle class live is increasingly out of reach these days by objective measures (wage stagnation over decades, house price increasing as a factor of average wage, cost of living etc) life is financially harder these days. Of course it is entitled to expect to be provided for, but I can see how it would be galling that the people who are supposed to love her the most are happy to benefit from really timing and luck (property prices, inheritance) without considering how that could substantially improve life for the OP.

I think a lot of the older generation thinks like this, OP - that they did everything themselves with no help, so why shouldn't you. But they miss that those standard things are harder now. But while it would be nice for them to help you, I don't think it's worth getting bitter about, you won't be able to change their minds.

We can only be the change we want to be! I am already saving for my children, and am expecting to fork out a lot for uni costs, house deposits etc - yes it will decrease my retirement fund, but I recognise a lot of that will be harder for them and I want to help even it up where I can

Why do you think they should have consulted you about their own financial affairs? Are you an accountant or financial advisor?

They also don't need a reason to sell THEIR property and no one has a crystal ball to ensure they sell at the right time.

You sound incredibly entitled and the fact is that if your grandparents wanted to leave you something then they would have put it in their will but they didn't.

It's getting quite common now for elderly people to leave all or part of their estate directly to their grandchildren, especially when their children are well established and probably approaching retirement themselves, when they see their grandchildren really struggling with house prices, low wages and cost of living etc. People are living longer, so the "grandparents" are living longer, meaning their children are more likely to be past middle aged and approaching retirement, if not retired, by the time they inherit. Go back a few decades and the grandparents would have died younger, the children would have been younger, etc.

When my mother passed, she left her estate 50:50 between me and my brother. I didn't "need" it, I'd already paid off our mortgage, we were starting to wind down for our own retirement, and we had modest pensions, so we're "OK". I put the whole lot in a bank account earmarked for our son, and we gave him the money on his 21st Birthday, which he's invested (most if it) and intends to use it as a house deposit when he's settled with work. We'd have felt very bad if we'd just squandered it on frivolities and then saw our son struggling and maybe not even being able to afford to live in the areas where the jobs are!

It also helps to avoid inheritance tax if some or all of an estate "jumps" a generation as it won't fall part of the estate of the parent when they die.

So I hope you’ve now got yourself a better paying job so that you can invest in London property and are saving every spare penny for them after you die?

Because that’s akin to what the OP is asking.

Doing everything for your children doesn’t mean not
making every single decision to maximise cash for your kids.

OPs parents have made a series of reasonable financial decisions (and would be well within their rights to leave 1/3 to grandchildren, they are family distinct from the OP in the same way OP and siblings are).

This thread is just disgustingly grabby and OP you need to find something to focus on that isn’t life decisions your parents are making.

It’s tricky really, I don’t think it’s fair to expect them to hang onto properties for your sake, but I agree if they inherited a significant sum it would have been nice to help you out a little more onto the property ladder.

My parents did their wills recently- estate will be split evenly between my sister and I. Originally they had planned to stipulate that a portion of my half goes to my children but I pointed out that I would have done that anyway, because who wouldn’t want to help their kids? So although it’s not actually in the will now (for simplicity’s sake) it’s very much the expectation between us that I will give some of that inheritance to my kids and that my parents want to see their grandchildren looked after.

You want them to have made different financial choices, but you don't seem to take any responsibility for your own. Your success is of your own making.
Neither of my parents got any inheritance, and I actively encourage them to enjoy the money they've got. It's for me to provide for me.

Mine have also been dicks with money. My mum and stepdad took my dad to court for child maintenance when I was 14, got quite a large sum of money, and spent it on taking themselves and my half brother (not my dad's child) to Australia. I was left at home with grandparents. I was booted out of home at 18, and they've never helped me out with anything. So I do understand where you're coming from, but the thing is, is it worth losing your relationship with your parents over it? OK so they're not perfect. Mine are a bit shit. They've been bloody rubbish, also as far as my kids, their grandkids, are concerned. But they're still all I've got, even though they drive me nuts, and I'll miss them when they're gone, so I just do my best not to dwell on the crap things. Which, at times, is a lot easier said than done!

Bloody hell OP, this has to be a troll post. No one really thinks their parents financial affairs are for them to dictate surely?

You think that they owe you and that you are entitled to property and money because you have anxiety and some hearing loss. You are jealous of your parents and your brother.

Honestly? You are behaving like a spoiled brat.

No I have never given any thought to what my DPs have or haven't done with money they have inherited from my DGPs

My DPs are quite frugal so it's unlikely they have pissed it all away but I don't see their finances as being my business tbh

It sounds a bit OTT for you to be allowing their financial decisions to affect your relationship with them

There are plenty of reasons why they might have decided to sell the properties they inherited a share in

@DryIce

I think a lot of the older generation thinks like this, OP - that they did everything themselves with no help, so why shouldn't you. But they miss that those standard things are harder now.

Nail on the head. There is an awful lot of that thinking. Thankfully a lot of people are more reasonable and actually understand that things ARE harder for youngsters today and intelligent enough to realise the nonsense of the Daily Mail narrative that the young can't afford to buy a house because they have a mobile phone or a sky subcription!