MIL wants stairlift in our house when she visits

[Midliffey]

Hello
i get on well with my MIL. DP stays with her once a week and we have her for the odd weekend and Christmas Easter etc
She has COPD is very immobile and it’s a frame or stick. Can’t stand up indepenly. She pays for a carer everyday to wash her and do housework.
she cannot manage our stairs and has asked we install.stair Lift. I don’t want this. We have a downstairs room she can use but it’s too far from toilet and she says she doesn’t want to use commode.
inhave teens at home and it feels like it’s
not my home as they are always in and out as it is (busy house with 10 at a time on weekends) that’s another story.
i think a stairlift when no one who lives here needs it is a big ask
my husband would do anything for his mother and wants it. He asked me to think about it. I can’t help think it’s selfish that she would ask? Am I being the selfish one ?

Absolutely not, for occasional visits. It will ruin your carpet and walls when taken out, need redecorating etc.

Absolutely not. My mum needs one in her own home and balks at it due to the space it takes etc. Installing it for a guest is madness.

Your dp stays over with her every week so she doesn’t need a stairlift.

DH can go visit her more if he wants.

Agree, downstairs shower and loo- will improve value.

OP in how many other ways does your DH placate and prioritise his mother?

I'm guessing that this is only one of many.

Get a stairlift. Life is short and one day it will be our turn to want one. What goes around comes around in different ways. It's not forever and will make someone vulnerable incredibly supported and content.

And will make the people who actually live in the house 24/7/365 pissed off they have to negotiate it several times a day.

Why would it ruin the walls? They are attached to the stairs only.

Surely though the stair lift would only really be needed for Mil to go to up to bed & come downstairs in the morning?

I'm thinking that in the day time she is capable of using the downstairs loo just that the room she would sleep in is too far?

You do have to remove the bannister if that runs along the same wall, though

True, we had to do this, but just filled the holes and touched up the paint.

I am very biased about stairlifts, they can be so life changing! Though I wouldn't install one in OP's circumstances.

Wonder if OP will come back to the thread at some point.

I think you can hire them, at least that’s what friends did. Once the lady in question went into a home, it was taken away again.
All that said, I wouldn’t want it and it sounds like she wants to move in.

If there's no need for her to get upstairs and get visits are infequent then I really don't understand why they want to spend thousands on one in the first place.

I agree with you, Op - it's just too much to ask for someone who doesn't live there.

She may not want to use a commode but it wouldn't be very often, whereas you'd be stuck with that ugly thing every day.

Also agree with PPs that the money would be way better invested in putting in a downstairs loo, which everyone can use.

I would politely decline her request! Once it's installed you may have her asking to move in! 🫣

You get it removed before you sell, it isn't that big a job. We sold it, the buyer removed it (well he might have paid someone to do it) so we had money left over. I can't see why it would devalue a house but as I said lots of perfectly reasonable reasons the OP might not want it.

I doubt they’ve looked into cost or space yet. It sounds like a “wouldn’t it be nice if…”

Clearly this if you put in a stair lift!

There's also no guarantee that she'd be able to use it for long if you did install one (and I don't think you should). Our neighbours had one put in but it only got a few months' use before the really frail one's dementia got worse so it couldn't be used. Someone can't use one if they can't understand what's happening as the person could try and get up halfway up the stairs and then fall.

It then made it difficult to sell the house - company wouldn't buy it back despite saying they would when it was installed. Eventually sold after several price reductions and the new owners hadn't realised how much hassle it would be to get rid of it!

HELL NO!! Again...

HELL NO!!!
Dont do it!!

Its a RED flag imo that this is even a conversation between you all!!!

No

OP in how many other ways does your DH placate and prioritise his mother?

I'm guessing that this is only one of many.

That is a great question!!

As others have said, she's trying to move in with you.

My mum has one and it's a bloody pain. You have to wriggle round the seat when you use the stairs and it take forever to get to the other end. If she can't use your downstairs loo, then she'll end up with a Commode whether she likes it or no.

Sit DH down and explain which way the cold wind blows. Your life sounds busy enough without you ending up as a full time carer to MIL.

My dad's had his second one fitted. They are massive and take up lots of room. They get in the way, when carrying a basket of washing up/down stairs. They cost around £5,000. I wouldn't bother, just keep her downstairs.

No you’re not being selfish she is, it isn’t her house. I wouldn’t be happy with your DH for thinking it’s a reasonable request either.