MIL wants stairlift in our house when she visits

[Midliffey]

Hello
i get on well with my MIL. DP stays with her once a week and we have her for the odd weekend and Christmas Easter etc
She has COPD is very immobile and it’s a frame or stick. Can’t stand up indepenly. She pays for a carer everyday to wash her and do housework.
she cannot manage our stairs and has asked we install.stair Lift. I don’t want this. We have a downstairs room she can use but it’s too far from toilet and she says she doesn’t want to use commode.
inhave teens at home and it feels like it’s
not my home as they are always in and out as it is (busy house with 10 at a time on weekends) that’s another story.
i think a stairlift when no one who lives here needs it is a big ask
my husband would do anything for his mother and wants it. He asked me to think about it. I can’t help think it’s selfish that she would ask? Am I being the selfish one ?

Unless of course she did help substantially financially to buy said house.

Has she offered to pay for it? Will you inherit quite a bit on her demise- which will pay for a lot more than taking it out and re-selling.

It seems a bit self-centred to put in something that will inconvenience you all , all the time, when the kind, cost-effective and easy thing for her to do is use a commode. Maybe you can find some inoffensive ones to show her. She might be imagining them as worse than they are.

My father used a stairlift for years so I know how they can get in the way. Normally I’m all for disabled access but this seems a bit OTT in a private home when there is an easier solution.

They aren't fixed to the walls

Would she help pay? If your partner is keen on the idea so would spent the money anyway I would personally install a small en suite in her current room instead as this would be useful for visitors. But as others have said if you adapt the house for her, you might find it harder in the future to give a reason why she can’t move in with you. Aside from the 10 extra guests you have at weekends.

We got a Stiltz lift for my DH-he had seizures, and wouldn't have been safe on a stair-lift. I still use it a lot for taking washing etc up and down.

This. Sounds like he's never cut the umbilical cord. When he got together with you, you and your DC became his primary family, the one he was born into should have moved into second place. Instead your lives are revolving around his mum!

If he has actually gone as far as to call you selfish for not wanting a stairlift, then you definitely have a DH problem and I'd have gone ballistic at my DP for that comment. It's so very unjust and manipulative.

You are not selfish for wanting your home to primarily work well for those who live there.

I wouldn't be entertaining a commode either! By the time someone reaches that level of disability, they've gone beyond the stage where overnight visits to other people's houses are practical.

If she actually needs DH or someone to stay overnight with her, then she's at the point where a care home is more appropriate. Unless she has the funds to pay for an overnight carer.

If she doesn't need that level of care, why is he staying over every week? It's way beyond excessive. Like he's never properly left home! Is she controling and he's under her thumb? You're married adults, not teens and one of you rents a bedsit while the other lives with parents. You shouldn't be sharing your DH like this.

Sorry OP but she's moving in by stealth. Commodes and stairlifts and weekly visits! Once every two months maximum is reasonable - and she comes with nothing other than her walking aids and overnight bag. You need to crack down on it. No caring-related stuff left in your home and no weekly visiting. She shouldn't be dumping her morning wash routine on your DH (or you? Sorry NRFT) when she's paying carers to come to her home to do it, she should be in her home ready to receive the care. You deserve to come first (after the DC needs) to your DH. The easier you make it for her to stay over the more she'll do it and the more your lives will revolve around her. You and DH will end up prioritising her instead of each other (he's already doing it!) and your teenage DC won't get much of a look in. It's damaging to DC and to your marriage.

So she wants a stairlift because there is no toilet she can use.
Are you really happy to empty and clean a commode every time she goes to the toilet? It is not a pleasant job. And takes up a fair amount of space by itself. Or are you expecting her to use one of those cardboard trays they use in the NHS? They are extremely difficult to for someone immobile to use without a carers help who knows what they are doing.
Commodes really are for when you have no choice, they are never ideal.
If there is no toilet accessible, as her health deteriorates, she will probably stop coming. Your DH may simply spend more time at her house instead.

TBF to the DH and MIL, if all they know of stairlifts is the smiling elderly lady in the telegraph magazine ads, the lift looks pretty small and tidy!

And weekly visits are hardly unusual. At least in my family. Some people on MN seem to have very distant relationships with their extended family.

100% no to a stairlift. Ugly ugly things!

I am also thinking from the pov of the person who has to empty and clean it....betting that it won't be OH!

My mum's folded up - it still took up a lot of space and once she developed dementia, the poor soul screamed every time she used it.

OP what kind of commode were you considering? They are not pleasant to empty. You also need a screen to provide privacy. Both take up a lot of space.

And commode chairs are way uglier than chair lifts. They look like a piece of hospital equipment.

Are you really happy to empty and clean a commode every time she goes to the toilet?

Why would Op be doing that?

Just for info anyone who’s happy to have a commode if needed, you can get commode liner plastic bags that soak the wee up and so you just take it out and replace with a clean one. Bowel movements aren’t as fragrant free but same you just take out the bag. Our council gave us an extra waste wheel bin to put that in.

The husband can do it if he is there. But the mother will not be capable.
The wee is easy to deal with, the poo is not.

Ugh not the #bekind bullshit.

I’m a carer for my disabled mum but I wouldn’t have a stairlift in my home.

A RESOUNDING NO from me as well OP.

100% would make more sense to hire an architect to design a downstairs restroom, then at least it adds value to your home, unlike a chairlift.

My in-laws had this done at their home (the bathroom addition, that is).

No to the stairmaster. If she lived there it would be differant. I'd get a bathroom installed, if it is possible.

Fuck no!!

Both for the aesthetic, as well as the stealth MIL move in 😮

There are a lot of incredibly selfish people on here! It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.

A lot of stairs aren’t suitable for them anyway, so you could say that to her.

Absolutely no way would I install a stairlift for someone who doesn’t even live in my house!!!
No way, nothing to think about there.

I wouldn’t even discuss it, you can visit her at her house if yours is unsuitable for her needs, end of story.

DS1 has very steep stairs, it’s an Edwardian house built before Building Regs were invented. I have recently found clambering to the second floor where the guest bedrooms are located very difficult. So DS accommodated me in his office on the first floor with a sofa bed. Everyone is happy with this. It’s still not easy to reach, the steps of the stairs are narrow as well as steep but I manage.
I simply cannot imagine asking him to fit a stair lift, he would think I was nuts.

There do seem to be some newfangled types of stairlifts around, where you stand on a little platform and hold a crossbar. They look as if they would be much less intrusive than the usual types, but I’ve never seen them in action.

My mum had a stairlift and found it a great boon, though it did not look attractive. She was very proprietorial about it, not letting her pals try it in case they ‘wore it out’. After she died, when they visited they all wanted to have a go on it. A succession of old ladies having a great time riding up and down.

Completely unreasonable request.