MIL wants stairlift in our house when she visits

[Midliffey]

Hello
i get on well with my MIL. DP stays with her once a week and we have her for the odd weekend and Christmas Easter etc
She has COPD is very immobile and it’s a frame or stick. Can’t stand up indepenly. She pays for a carer everyday to wash her and do housework.
she cannot manage our stairs and has asked we install.stair Lift. I don’t want this. We have a downstairs room she can use but it’s too far from toilet and she says she doesn’t want to use commode.
inhave teens at home and it feels like it’s
not my home as they are always in and out as it is (busy house with 10 at a time on weekends) that’s another story.
i think a stairlift when no one who lives here needs it is a big ask
my husband would do anything for his mother and wants it. He asked me to think about it. I can’t help think it’s selfish that she would ask? Am I being the selfish one ?

Shame some of us have no choice to have the ugly, ugly unaesthetic things. You might one day be very glad of one.

The casual ableism on MN is really depressing at times.

This is a plop and run thread, isn't it?

It would bother me. I've seen the problems that they cause. They're not always safe for elderly folk. (Commodes can also be unsafe.)

If you have the space, I'd advise looking at a lift(it's only designed for one person) it could be more practical and less of an eyesore. Would also save you traipsing up and down with laundry. Also not much more expensive than installing a downstairs loo

I'm avoiding one for as long as possible. My parents had one because they didn't have the option to install a downstairs bathroom in their council house. Then Homecare decided that it was unsafe and insisted on a commode.

Yes, I'd agree.

(DH had a stroke and it's a lift that we'd have looked at. However, we had a downstairs wetroom/bathroom built.)

Just chiming in that that's what my parents did.

It's been life changing for us. My DH was practically confined to upstairs for six months until we got one installed via the Council. I can understand that they might not be safe for everyone though.

What a bitchy sentence

Whilst I agree stairlifts are not pretty, they can be bought as cheap as £500 fitted for a second hand one. Our cheap one has run for 4 years so far.

Ours folds against the wall and does not stop our busy house functioning. I have a husband, 4 teenagers, 2 cats and a dog running up and downs the stairs all day with no issues. I use the chair and it take me 48 seconds to travel up or down the stairs.

My husband has no trouble carrying laundry upstairs past it. The teenagers do not trip on the rail. Our house is small and yet the seat doesn't block the stairs at either end.

If I was in your situation I would spend £500 for the comfort and dignity of my loved one.

My parents moved closer to me AND installed wheelchair ramps at their new local home when I got sick because they love me and want me to feel welcome and be able to visit.

I think your husband is a very loving son who wants his mother to be comfortable when she visits.

PS. Those people who have suggested downstairs toilets I would find one extremely difficult to use, as my wheelchair won't fit in nor would me with my double crutches. As getting in and turning around sounds nearly impossible. So depending on this persons mobility aids, it might not suit her either.

If one of my parents visited me regularly I would do what I could to make my house accessible for them. I would probably opt for getting a downstairs toilet rather than a stair lift though as that would add value to the house while making things easier for someone at the same time. Having said that, I also think it's a bit rubbish that you have to be old/disabled to use fun things (mobility scooters, chair lifts etc) so it might be nice to have one to play on before I actually need it.

Yes, I am a big toddler.

Poor lady but no, its not a good idea.

If it's any help I just had a quote for a stair lift and for a downstairs wetroom, and each one will cost £4,800.

The cost of one almost pays for a new xtra bathroom or a outbuilding for her like granny annex

Of course I wouldn’t install a stairlift in my house for someone who only stays for the occasional night or two. Your MIL is being unreasonable.

I think there is a point for a lot of people with progressively disabling conditions where it becomes hard for them to accept that they have reached a stage where there are things they will have to stop doing, and will ask for really unreasonable or impractical accommodations because they can’t accept that something just isn’t possible any more. My own dad, who has Parkinson’s, has been through those phases - wanting to go to places without wheelchair access and saying “Well, you and mum can just carry me up those steps” (no we can’t Dad; you’re a 13 stone dead weight and Mum’s 79 years old) etc. I completely understand why that is, because it’s a horrible thing to have to accept. But it doesn’t mean you have to meet unreasonable requests.

you are absolutely right and professionally I have seen it again and again. Its very sad. It can also happen to relatives and close people who cannot deal with the decline of their loved ones...which is where I think the OP's partner may be. People can also "feel" that doing things like putting in a stair lift will actually reverse the changes to their loved one's health. If you gently try to discuss this, as I had to do, they will completely deny it and call it ridiculous but the feeling is definitely there and I have seen it turn to despair/anger when the new equipment only helps as it is designed to and doesn't improve their person's health.

The problem is she has asked if you can install a stairlift but the real question is can she come and live with you and will you care for her in her declining health.

I suspect you and your husband need to have an honest conversation about this.

Not really. They already have one downstairs loo.

Does adding a second downstairs toilet add much value? OP already has one downstairs toilet

My MIL had one at her house which was sold when she died. They resell very easily but they are very bulky and do take up a lot of space. Downstairs toilet would be better if affordable or just stay at hers.

I think it’s time for her to stop staying overnight at yours. Does she have space to accommodate you all staying at hers?

Pay for en-suites in the room she uses when she visits

I'd guess it depends on the layout and what someone else could use it for, ie if it was part of a bigger project to create a self contained granny flat or it could be used to make the room a business room so clients didn't need to go all over the house to get to the loo then maybe

I do remember viewing a house with 2 downstairs loos, one at the front door and one at the utility room
It was a show house and outwith my budget

Why would they do this? Plus it might not be possible, not everyone has unliminted space and money. Plus why would they unless they truely want her to move in?

Cheaper than a stair lift and more useful in general life