MIL wants stairlift in our house when she visits

[Midliffey]

Hello
i get on well with my MIL. DP stays with her once a week and we have her for the odd weekend and Christmas Easter etc
She has COPD is very immobile and it’s a frame or stick. Can’t stand up indepenly. She pays for a carer everyday to wash her and do housework.
she cannot manage our stairs and has asked we install.stair Lift. I don’t want this. We have a downstairs room she can use but it’s too far from toilet and she says she doesn’t want to use commode.
inhave teens at home and it feels like it’s
not my home as they are always in and out as it is (busy house with 10 at a time on weekends) that’s another story.
i think a stairlift when no one who lives here needs it is a big ask
my husband would do anything for his mother and wants it. He asked me to think about it. I can’t help think it’s selfish that she would ask? Am I being the selfish one ?

Also this. OP have you ever used a commode? I have, and I’ve cared for someone who has too. They do not feel dignified and obviously someone has to empty them too. I find so many of these replies so sad to read.

one day, this old lady will be YOU.

We have a downstairs room she can use but it’s too far from toilet and she says she doesn’t want to use commode.

So do you have a downstairs toilet? If so, how could it be further than going into the hall, sitting down on chairlift, going upstairs, getting off stairlift and going into upstairs toilet? This woman has designs on one of your upstairs rooms OP I think!

Unless you DON'T have a downstairs loo. Which is it?

Not every elderly person is immobile and in need of a commode! It's still a smallish percentage. "Karma" won't necessarily get her 🙄

lol you need to do more research. Of course not “every”; that’s not how statistics work. My point is that as we age, or get ill, we will all need mobility aids and extra support - unless we die suddenly straight after being healthy. For example, have a little google of Parkinson’s, dementia, and incontinence rates. It doesn’t need to be the identical physical situation to the person referred to OP for you to think about the principle - that enabling people to live their best lives in the last chapter, even with a modicum of discomfort for your younger self, is a good way to behave.

has anyone heard of love?

Don’t do it OP.

This is a gateway to, sure I can just move in with you, everything is in place.

She accepts things as stands or she doesn’t come to stay. Simple.

And when she does deteriorate further. You say you have no capacity to help. So busy with work. Can’t possibly do xyz. So that social services sort out the bulk and get care in place at home or move her to a home. (Then you and DH act as supplement to this to get her the best care)

No stair lift at yours.

It would be a reason for social services to say you can take her!!

In their own homes, yes. I wouldn't be inconvenienced every day for something that is unnecessary. If MIL is that immobile, she can be visited at her own home. I take it you've never had the inconvenience of a stairlift in your house?

How? You just remove it and in my mother's case when she died we removed it and sold it. OP might not want one for valid reasons but no it won't devalue her home.

If you have a downstairs loo then surely your dh can wheel her there from the downstairs room. . She doesn't need to use a commode at all and a big no to a starlit which will cost thousands, be Intrusive and hard to get rid off. If she can't manage then he visits her instead.

To anyone spouting… oh one day it could be you and so on.

Unless you have gone almost a week without proper sleep caring for an elderly person, and trailed around to all the hospital appointments/a&e trips please don’t comment.

Honestly OP, you need to keep a boundary in place and don’t let her semi move in. It will never end.

Love is important but middle aged mums are also allowed to have wants and needs.

This isn’t about ‘should the op never do anything kind for her mil ever’, it’s about ‘should op do this particular thing which her mil has requested without thinking about the impact on op and her family.’

@TraitorsGate

True.

Get a cheap fold up wheelchair you can bung out of the way. If she needs to go in the middle of the night then your DH can have his phone by his head and she can ring to go. It’s less disruptive than a stairlift and her shuffling about upstairs. Upstairs is your private family space.

That would be a hard no from me. But, if you don't have a downstairs toilet, do you have an understairs cupboard? I know a number of people who have installed toilets in them, and it works pretty well imo. It's ridiculous your DH is entertaining the idea of a starlift imo, does he secretly want her to move in?

Having a stairlift isn't really an inconvenience, it's just slightly harder to clean the stairs. They just aren't very aesthetically pleasing. Personally I would put up with that to make life easier for someone. (And yes, I have looked after people with disabilities). The only reservation I would have is whether there is an expectation of moving in (although it sounds as if she has everything sorted with carers at home).

I think the MIL would sleep in an upstairs room and use the upstairs bathrooom if there was a stairlift.

No way would I agree to a srair lift, she'll want to move in and guess who will be doing the caring. Would you really want strangers trampling through your home to care for mil? Ah, no need to Mid can do that, I can save the money and pass it on to my ds.
Fuck that on all levels.

If I was looking around an otherwise nicely done home, that had a starlift, it would put me off as a buyer. Maybe if I was factoring in spending ££££ on a doer-upper, that was priced at such, I wouldn't bat an eyelid. But if I wanted to buy somewhere I could just move into, without any faffing around removing stairlifts, I may well swerve that house in favour of another. There's enough surprises expenses you need to factor in when home buying, a great big obvious one would put off some people I'm sure. So yes, it may well devalue your home.

It won't affect the house sale as they are removeable.

However even second hand one cost a bit and they need servicing once a year and once a week usage and do take up space even with seats up.

It seems an odd request for a house you just visit - if there is a downstairs toilet it does sound like a foldable wheelchair and some help would be quicker to access or visits to her at same times of year so she doesn't have to travel.

I guess dh will be 'working' / 'hobbying' while most of the caring for mil is going on.

Again, this depends on your stairs. My mum’s has a seat that folds up and it is still a squeeze to get past it (it has to park part way up the stairs because of the house layout)

Where we live, we have very wide stairs, but they dogleg and split, so it would be difficult for us to install one for that reason.

We can’t generalise

That’s not what PP meant - OP could remove the stairlift once MIL died or was no longer visiting eg in a care home. No need to leave it for a buyer.

I think you've hit the nail on the head.

My parents second hand one was just under £2000 and need a once a year service - so there's an ongoing cost - curved ones break down more frequently and about double that - so they had straight one to large bed step and put wall handles up for last two steps. Though as PP mentioned it depends on many factors as to best options

This site says you can rent - but no idea how practical that would be for short visits.
https://www.multicare.co.uk/used-stairlifts/

However I do think asking for a stair lift in someone else's home is a step too far.

It's still not clear to me whether or not OP has a downstairs toilet. Anyway if she does, it is perfect for MIL to stay downstairs with her own room and a toilet that she can be wheeled into if necessary as mentioned above.

I did it for many years for my own Mum. Downstairs loo, separate dining room made into bedroom for her visits, wheeled into loo via a call bell/nanny cam. That was the worst bit in the middle of the night! But I did my best to do it with good grace. She was affected by stroke but I can tell you with hand on heart that it was great that my upstairs rooms remained my private space and sanctuary.

Yes, to be fair I have a straight flight of stairs and the chairlift folded against the wall.

From what other posters said, it does take up a lot of space, looks awful, and when it is taken out needs works to get the stairs back to normal. Given that OP does have a toilet downstairs the MIL should not ask for them to be inconvenienced. It’s only for visits.