MIL wants stairlift in our house when she visits

[Midliffey]

Hello
i get on well with my MIL. DP stays with her once a week and we have her for the odd weekend and Christmas Easter etc
She has COPD is very immobile and it’s a frame or stick. Can’t stand up indepenly. She pays for a carer everyday to wash her and do housework.
she cannot manage our stairs and has asked we install.stair Lift. I don’t want this. We have a downstairs room she can use but it’s too far from toilet and she says she doesn’t want to use commode.
inhave teens at home and it feels like it’s
not my home as they are always in and out as it is (busy house with 10 at a time on weekends) that’s another story.
i think a stairlift when no one who lives here needs it is a big ask
my husband would do anything for his mother and wants it. He asked me to think about it. I can’t help think it’s selfish that she would ask? Am I being the selfish one ?

When my MIL couldn’t manage my stairs anymore she just stopped visiting. We visited her more often. At Christmas we would book a restaurant or pub for Christmas dinner so that she could have access to a downstairs loo. All other family occasions were held this way unless we all decamped to her house, where DH and I did the catering and organising.

She's prepping your house in order to make it easier when she wants to make it also her house. Not a chance @Midliffey!
Be as supportive as you can of her, and of DP as he supports her, but perhaps keep actual visits to with her house where she already has measures in place to make her life easier.

No. The key for me is ‘she doesn’t want to use a commode.’ So her wants get to be considered but not your wants to not have a stairlift narrowing your stairs and making it look unhomely.
We would have had one put in for MIL in our old house if we hadn’t moved because it was the only way she could have visited as there was nowhere for her to sleep downstairs. Your MIL CAN visit it’s just not exactly how she wants it, and your dh sees a lot of her already.

agree that it sounds as though she wants to move in down the line so I would nip it in the bud with her and your dh now if you don't want this. Anybody reasonable wouldn't expect you to modify your home for occasional visits. Maybe suggest that as she is struggling so much and won't use a commode it may be better if she stays home and you all visit her. Then just go as and when you can and leave her ds to do the rest. Don't fall for it, or you'll soon be caring for her whilst she's living at yours with a godamn ugly stairlift in!

No.

Foolish idea.

If you don't need it, it's a big ask. And expensive too.

The alternative would be visiting her at home every time, which your DH wouldn't be happy with either.

If she doesn't want to use a commode then she doesn't visit - the next option up from commode isn't "install a stairlift" in a home that isn't hers!

Honestly they're a bit of a nuisance if they're not needed by someone living in the house full time, they're also not the prettiest! I wouldn't be putting a downstairs toilet in either unless it's something you want to do anyway, it's a lot of cost / disruption if you didn't want it.

NO, they're expensive and impractical as they take up so much room.

Suggest she spends the money she(?!) wanted to spend on a stair lift on staying in a local hotel when she visits instead. The big chains like Travelodge and Premier Inn have accessible rooms with proper wet rooms.

We've switched to doing this with mine who can no longer manage the stairs and it's so much better for everyone.

When you say the downstairs room is too far from the toilet do you mean there is a toilet also on the ground floor or she has to go upstairs to the toilet? If there is a loo downstairs she doesn't need a stairlift.

Nope. As someone already said, her wants don't trump yours. She has the option of a commode but she'd rather not use it. Totally understandable but the alternative is not a stairlift, the alternative is not visiting for as long. You have a house full of people and unless your staircase is unusually wide this would inconvenience everyone all of the time to benefit one person occasionally.

I also agree that it's paving the way to spend longer with you. There's nothing wrong with that if everyone is in agreement but not when it's a stealth move.

That’s ridiculous. Say No.

I had a stairlift in my old house and will be having one put in here in the coming weeks. I wouldn’t put one in for a visiting relative. One thing I will say is they don’t make it difficult to carry anything up the stairs. DH can quite easily carry a laundry basket full of washing up and down. They’re not the most attractive of things, either, but when you can’t do the stairs, needs must.

Nope building a downstairs loo would make more sense.

No I wouldn't but, unless you're rich and can do it with little pain, I'd ask MIL to pay for it if it was something you'd consider.

She's probably angling to move in. Guess who will be stuck with caring for her!

You need to shut down this ridiculous idea once and for all. Tell your husband the answer is no and that the conversation about it is over.

I also thought this. I'd be saying a firm no on this. They take up space and are ugly things.

Suggest she stays in a hotel with an ensuite and visits you during the day time but sleeps at the hotel.

Sounds like you are very accommodating to your mil. Perhaps a little bit too much. Not only are they ugly they are in the way. Who helps her to wash when she's with you? Get a commode. She's moving in.

i understand why a commode would not be a welcome choice but what about a proper camping toilet, that looks like a proper loo, has a set and lid, flushes and the waste is stored in a cassette that doesn’t smell or let you see the waste. You could even get it built into a frame so it sits at the right height and has handles for ease of getting on and off. And it’s portable so can be shoved in the shed or garage when not in use.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Thetford-92806-Porta-Portable-Toilet/dp/B0056PS6SM/ref=asc_df_B0056PS6SM/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310879577477&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1521360668837146779&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9180795&hvtargid=pla-563127929014&mcid=3992a891881b3df4ac1c49c3439bba64&th=1

She’s making plans to move in!

She's making plans to move in, I wouldn't do it.

I think PoshJock’s idea is good.

It would need to be mounted in a sturdy frame, they are low to the ground.

Chair lifts are a nightmare for other mobility needs, as they make the bannister on that side unusable.

She is being selfish. Not you.

Camp toilets still need emptying.