MIL wants stairlift in our house when she visits

[Midliffey]

Hello
i get on well with my MIL. DP stays with her once a week and we have her for the odd weekend and Christmas Easter etc
She has COPD is very immobile and it’s a frame or stick. Can’t stand up indepenly. She pays for a carer everyday to wash her and do housework.
she cannot manage our stairs and has asked we install.stair Lift. I don’t want this. We have a downstairs room she can use but it’s too far from toilet and she says she doesn’t want to use commode.
inhave teens at home and it feels like it’s
not my home as they are always in and out as it is (busy house with 10 at a time on weekends) that’s another story.
i think a stairlift when no one who lives here needs it is a big ask
my husband would do anything for his mother and wants it. He asked me to think about it. I can’t help think it’s selfish that she would ask? Am I being the selfish one ?

I used to work in the NHS and know a bit about stairlift resale, you don't get a lot and there is making good to be done once its removed. You are not clear whether you have a downstairs toilet? I was also in this position with my Mum who had a stairlift in her home. She didn't want one in mine but we had a downstairs loo and so she came downstairs in the morning and only went upstairs again to bed. Personally, I wouldn't do it for someone who only visits briefly. They do block the staircase even if you have for "parking areas" top and bottom. I am not going to say its selfish of her to ask. From my experience as people become infirm, they do see things differently....the nearest I can come to a description is that their thought processes narrow.... BUT you are definitely NOT selfish to say no. I have a feeling that your DP has not thought this through.....btw are you married and who owns the house....basically I am asking how much choice you have?

one must assume that mil will die before you. Should you decide to move it will de- value the price of your property.

My SIL recently sold her father’s house. The estate agent told her to take the stair lift out before they marketed it as it cluttered the hall. This is your house not your MIL’s. Tell your husband no.

Stair lifts do take up quite a lot of the stairs. If you have teenage children rushing about, I would be very worried they would trip on the stair lift rails.

My parents had one for when my gran visited. It then became useful as they got older and one of them ended up needing it too.

I was thinking the same. It starts with a stair lift then she'll want one of the kid's rooms as her own.

She said there is no downstairs loo. Just the option of a room with a commode. I agree with a previous commenter, have a downstairs toilet installed. It might be expensive but once you have it you'll wonder how you ever lived without it, and it will add value to your home.

What does DP think of this??

You are not being unreasonable.
Stair lifts are horrible looking things and reduce the overal width of the stairs.
You have a downstairs room she can use
A commode is perfectly reasonable for her to use or can you install a ground floor toilet

Im afraid people have to learn to compromise if they are visiting others, it’s not like she’s there all the time

My first thought was that she wants/expects to move in - and fairly soon, too.

Worth having a proper conversation with your DH about the bigger picture here. If she doesn’t plan to move in then there’s no way a stairlift is required.

so this is just for chirstmas and easter?
bonkers

MIL has one and it's a complete pain to get past, even with the seat folded, plus there are ongoing maintenance/service charges - and issues. It was also very expensive to install. It enables her to stay in her own home, but there's no way I'd have one in the house for a visitor!

its in the OP. He wants it....that's why I asked if he was a partner or a husband and who owns the house.

Lbdse · Today 07:59
Do you think she has a plan to move in with you in the long term”

My first thought. Big NO from me.

Have you used a commode or looked after someone who uses a commode? Its not nice. I would NOT use a commode in someone else's house....but my solution would be to say that I can't visit if I can't manage there. This wouldn't be to put force on the homeowner but to recognise the issue.

She wants to move in.
based on this

my husband would do anything for his mother and wants it. He asked me to think about it.

I'd be having a sit down and firm chat with my DH

I had one for my mother when she visited. She never completely moved in. They are very easy to install and remove. It wouldn't affect the value of a house. We got a second hand one, she had a new one in her own house. She lived until she was 97 and used it for ten years. Only drawback is that they're a bit ugly.

P.S. I would prefer a stair lift over a commode any day. People who need commodes are not likely to be able to empty and clean them themselves.

How easy they are to fit/remove, how much room they take up on the stairs etc, depends enormously on the width of your staircase, the style of staircase and the type of stairlift.

Thats why theres such a variation in responses from 'omg they're awful and bulky and evil' to 'we can get round ours no bother'.

I still wouldn't, and at some point I'll probably need one myself but we're putting it off as long as possible as once we have one i will NOT be able to get up the stairs any other way and thats more mobility I'll lose.

You have a room and a bathroom she can use downstairs so tell her no.

Had this with my own parents as they live in in a different country. I told them no. I offered various nearby hotels and guest houses and air bb. So now they haven't visted in 4 years

I think YAB heartless. One day we’ll all likely be incapacitated and frail in one way or another. Your MIL won’t be around forever; give an elderly unwell lady the opportunity to enjoy life as much as possible when she visits. Also fwiw, modern stairlifts usually fold up (the chair bit) so it doesn’t take up much space. When it’s no longer needed you can have it removed and it’ll be like it was never there (you can hire them from companies who both fit and remove them). Mortality and disability are real. Be kind.

Surely if she's immobile and need of carers it's not a good idea to stay at others houses anyway? Definitely angling to move in. Your DP stays every week anyway!

It's really expensive and they look awful. Could you tell a white lie and say the stairlift firms said your home wasn't suitable?
You can get really posh commodes now that are like a real toilet but also quite a normal looking chair at the same time. You could get a nice modesty screen to put round it. If she's that immobile she really should get used to using a commode.

It would be absolutely no way from me. It would get in the way every day for maybe 10 minutes use a week.