MIL wants stairlift in our house when she visits

[Midliffey]

Hello
i get on well with my MIL. DP stays with her once a week and we have her for the odd weekend and Christmas Easter etc
She has COPD is very immobile and it’s a frame or stick. Can’t stand up indepenly. She pays for a carer everyday to wash her and do housework.
she cannot manage our stairs and has asked we install.stair Lift. I don’t want this. We have a downstairs room she can use but it’s too far from toilet and she says she doesn’t want to use commode.
inhave teens at home and it feels like it’s
not my home as they are always in and out as it is (busy house with 10 at a time on weekends) that’s another story.
i think a stairlift when no one who lives here needs it is a big ask
my husband would do anything for his mother and wants it. He asked me to think about it. I can’t help think it’s selfish that she would ask? Am I being the selfish one ?

We had similar with my mother in law but it turned out the reason she didn’t want to be downstairs was because she was worried about falling and us not hearing her. Her mobility declined pretty quickly anyway and it wasn’t safe for her to walk up the stairs so we told her as a trial to sleep downstairs and my husband slept in another room downstairs with a monitor so he could hear her if she needed help during the night. She also ended up using a commode which she was really resistant to at first, but couldn’t get round to the downstairs loo at night. This went on for about 18 months until her mobility declined so much she’s now in a care home. At first when she was telling us where she wanted to sleep etc I think my husband felt he had to do what she said but actually we had to work out what would work for everyone then she had to fit in with that.

Agree it is too much for an occasional visitor. My DPs have recently got one and it is a pain carrying anything past the chair.

Stairlift would be cheaper than new loo downstairs. Refurbished one (which would be less than 3 years old and would look and work like new) may be less than £2000 - 4 years ago they could be just over £1000). Modern stairlifts don’t damage the stairs or walls. Even if it’s been in too long for the company to be interested in buying it back, it doesn’t cost a lot to get someone to remove.

Your main argument is someone leaving their lumber on the stairs getting in your way.

No way! It's an enormous investment for the sake of her not using a commode during occasional visits.

If you say yes I guarantee the next step will be her moving in.

Be very clear to DH if a stairlift is installed you will be moving out to a nice 1bed flat you can consider to be your actual home.

And I don't suppose she was planning on paying for it herself.

NO!
People really are fucking nuts

It's a no from me too. I agree with posters who are asking if there is a plan in MIL head that she will move in with you at some point. The PoshJock solution is great and I am filing that away for future use should I need something like that for my MIL

YANBU. They're very useful for people with reduced mobility who want to stay in their existing home. Very annoying for everyone else! Absolutely not the right thing for an occasional visitor.

If she doesn't find your home accessible (and how big is your house that the downstairs loo is too far away?!) then unfortunately it's time for her visits to take place elsewhere. That might mean that she stays in a hotel and you go on day trips nearby, or that you visit her as a family more often.

You put the pile of washing on the seat.

OP is there a toilet on the ground floor?

She might be better with a wheelchair or even a scooter. It would probably cost less than a stairlift. I'm assuming your hall / corridor is wide enough.

I have a stairlift in my house, for me. I don't even like it myself - they are ugly buggers! They are also very expensive, but they should not make taking things up and down stairs more difficult, except for the big furniture items like double wardrobes, beds etc. For smaller everyday items like laundry baskets, and some suitcases - depending on their size of course - you can actually carry them up and down stairs on the chair seat, or sit on the chair yourself - as long as you are mobile, a disabled person should only have themselves on the chairlift!

There is no way on Earth that I would ever ask one of my wonderful children to install one in their homes, which means that I can never visit them in their homes, but my husband and I stay at places like Travelodges, and Premier Inns when we go to visit them, as their accessible rooms and ensuites are at least always adequate. We do live several hours away from our children, so always have to stay overnight.

So there is no way that I think the OP, or anyone else, should install a stair lift for anyone not already living in their home.
However, I don't see how a downstairs toilet or a commode would be of much use to the OP's MiL, if she wanted to stay overnight, as she would also need a wetroom style shower. If she, or you if not, can afford to stay somewhere like a Premier Inn then in my mind it is a much better option. If/when things in my daughters home get too noisy or tiring (she has 3 beautiful and very cute under 5's) then I find it brilliant to be able to say how tired I feel, and then go back to the hotel, even if it is only for a little nap etc.

If necessary, I will go into residential care when/if the time comes, as I could not bear to think of how much of a burden I was being to the ones I love the most, even if it was at all pratical for me to move in with them.

Absolutely no way! A stairlift for occasional visits for her is insane when it would be getting in the way on the 20 times a day you go up the stairs!

Stairlift would be cheaper than new loo downstairs.

But a new loo would benefit everyone that lives in the houses a stairlift benefits none of them and would get in the way.

My Grandma had one for my grandad - she used to put the washing on the seat and send it up, then walk up afterwards 😂

Thanks @sashh and @Soontobe60

Of course there are work arounds with eg washing if the alternative is that a person living in the house has to go into a home.

In my house, we have baskets full of clean and dirty washing that get lugged up and down stairs - we could not do this at my mother’s house and I would be deeply unhappy at having to work around for something that is there permanently for someone who comes a few times a year.

Washing was an example, but also suitcases and other bulky things.

Also depending on the stairs, stairlifts can be slow.
My parents need an arm that comes down at the bottom as otherwise a doorway is blocked. They also have a 180 degree bend. So the chair needs to stop while the arm goes up, and goes slowly round then bend.

My Mum had one and while it was great because she could't have stayed in the house without it it was a pain in the bum for anyone else.
It takes up a lot of room, is very ugly and hard to squeeze past

Have you looked at the cost? It's a very expensive bit of kit.

Granny may not be able to come to stay with you any more I'm afraid. My parents now stay in a hotel local to me, in a disabled accessible room with no steps and a flat access shower etc.

I am a big fan of stair lifts as ours has been life changing and it is no hassle to get past. But installing one for an occasional visit is mad. We can no longer stay at other people's houses due to accessibility issues, we use hotels instead.

Bloody hell I'd be having none of this. Unbelievably cheeky to even suggest it. And he's up for it?

Honestly I would consider a new downstairs loo over this.

What about a camping toilet as an alternative to a commode?

A stair lift is a ridiculous proposition for a visitor. As others have said maybe it's based on a long term plan.

You would better with a proper lift if you have space. Doesn't look as bad and may actually be used if you need to get anything heavy upstairs

.

It's a ridiculous idea, they are cumbersome even when folded back and cost a huge amount of money! If she can't walk the distance to your downstairs toilet then get a wheelchair or wheeled commode to wheel her to the toilet on and then she can transfer and use the roilet there

That would accelerate MIL's 'Plan Moving In' by quite a few paces though.......sorry @Midliffey I shouldn't assume that's her plan......

Isn't there one with a fold-up seat? That folds out of the way? Also I'm pretty sure I saw an advert for some stair lift alternative that was a lot simpler and cheaper. Just might be worth looking into what's out there.

With a bunch of teenagers and a spare(ish) room, you'd be better off using the same money - and stairlifts are incredibly expensive - to have an accessible, ie, larger than a wardrobe/enough space for a walker or someone with a buggered knee or broken ankle as teenagers often get, toilet with a automatic washing seat.