Would you move 250 miles away from your elderly, widowed parent?

[MintyCedric]

Basically for cost of living reasons.

I’m divorced with a mortgage and kid in uni with potentially expensive career plans.

I have a decent amount of equity in my house and could at worst half my mortgage, at best not need one at all if I move (to a place I’ve fancied living for a long time, but planned to
wait until Mum no longer an issue and DD settled).

Mum doesn’t want to move - she has friends here for support and doesn’t want to start again.

She can also be quite challenging wrt to our relationship…I can imagine if I move there will be crises every five minutes. But if I stay put I will have to work myself into the ground just to exist…and I’m nearly 50 and want to living not just existing.

Would you do If you live miles from your EP, how does it work for you?

How old is your mother?

Only if my parent was awful and I hated them. Which is fine if deserved. If they were nice and kind and I loved them no I wouldn’t.

Tricky......

What are her plans for coping as she ages?
You are compromising the quality of the prime of your life for somebody who has had the majority of hers. She'd be quite happy with that?!
Tomorrow is not guaranteed. I would encourage as many outside agencies as possible to support her and move. If she chooses not to knowing you are not around she will live with the consequences of that choice.

Yes, tricky.

I lived 300 miles away & it was difficult.

Moved closet, tho not exactly close & things are more manageable.

It depends on their health & how needy they are & your levels of obligation & guilt.

No i wouldn't. Not if you have a good relationship.

Agree that is tricky.
I live about 80 miles and my weekly weekend trips homes really took its toll, I tried to support over the phone, but essentially a lot of it fell to my brother. Then I couldnt get there quick enough before my mum passed, for that I will feel ever guilty.

Your relationship sounds strained though, and you cant put your life on hold on forever, but 250 miles is a long way away. Is there no option to move, but not that far?? Has your mum put provisions in place for her care?

If you stay put and will be working stupidly long hours how much help realistically would you be able to provide even if you are ‘close’ ?
I believe it is everyone’s responsibility to plan for their old age and the help and support they will need, do you know what her thoughts/plans are for that?

Yes. You are not responsible for your parent, so do what is best for you.

My mum did that to us! She lives on other side of the country by choice.

You have very sound reasons for moving, you've invited your DM to join you but she doesn't want to.

I suggest you have an open and frank conversation about what she plans to do when her care needs increase and go from there.

However, I don't believe you should put your life on hold on the off-chance that your mum needs a carer at some point in the future.

There's no guarantee that you will outlive her; she may live the rest of her life doing as she pleases and living where she pleases and you may die in a couple of years, having never had that same opportunity.

I can kind of answer in reverse – we live a similar distance from my widowed DM, she moved away and I am still near-ish to our hometown. She wants to move back to be near me, but we are likely to move, possibly abroad if we are lucky, in the next few years. I’ve told her she is of course welcome to move near us, but she shouldn’t do it on the expectation of me staying here permanently, which she is very frustrated about.

Our relationship hasn’t always been great, and as a result I am not inclined to sacrifice the rest of my life to ‘looking after’ her, as she refers to it. She’s hale and hearty now, but is already trying to draw a line in the sand about not going into a home, or having carers, but has no answer when I ask her how she’s expecting to manage in that case given that I will be unlikely to be anywhere close by. Money isn't an issue for her.

Honestly OP, we are a similar age, and I am very conscious that I likely have less than half my life left to do the things I want to do – it sounds selfish, but I refuse to be tied down by her desire to be cared for by someone other than professionals. I/you can still provide some support long-distance, advocate for their needs, help to get outside agencies and support in place etc. You don’t have to do it all physically and in person.

I'd avoid this unless you want to spend a lot of your weekends driving to the inevitable crises. I'd doing this and it's expensive, you lose your weekends, it's a complete pain in the arse and I bitterly resent it. I thought I'd be able to get help locally but it's almost impossible and again, expensive. It might work if you can source all help locally to your Dm and you can afford that. Don't assume the council will pay or help.

Mum is nearly 85.

I would say our relationship is complex and has been made more so by the death of my dad three years ago. He was on end of life pathway for 15 months throughout the pandemic and I had to stop working to care for him and support her as she was not coping at all and it was impacting his wellbeing.

She developed a massive crush on one of his carers which developed into a pseudo relationship after (well there were things happening before) my dad died. Despite trying until I’m blue in the face to explain to her the safeguarding issues and even reporting him to social services they are still in regular contact.

One of the reasons I’m reluctant to leave is the idea of leaving situation unsupervised.

Otherwise she copes fairly well with the day to day - can do her own personal care, manages her banking and shopping online and has a couple of friends she sees every week, including her next door neighbour who is lovely and will always help her out with lifts etc.

She is in a position that she could pay for additional support if she needed it.

We love each other, and I would absolutely drop everything to be there for her if she genuinely needed me, but she doesn’t ‘get’ me at all and if I’m honest there are times that I don’t like her very much. At her best she’s kind, loving and hilarious, at her worst she’s a dogmatic, racist, narcissist with no tact or empathy whatsoever (and no, it’s not dementia, just her).

She and I will always have one another’s backs but we drive each other mental and it’s only gotten worse as we’ve gotten older. She is emotionally very needy and manipulative and I can see that for what it is now and struggle to have patience with it whilst feeling incredibly guilty that I feel the way I do.

I wonder if I’d just be making my life harder by moving. I am looking at options to change my situation here but moving in my own area wouldn’t make a significant impact, and jobs just depends on luck and timing really.

I’m currently scraping by on about £200 a month for food and petrol and nothing left over after I’ve paid essentials and I’ve already cut back as far as I can without stopping the little bit of help I’m giving DD or rehoming my cats.

I’m planning to move a seven hour drive away from mine. I have a very strained relationship with her and I do feel guilty but I have never got on with her.

@Farahfawsett @potatoschpotato

You both seem to understand where I’m coming from…I feel like I’m watching my remaining years slipping through a sand timer without every having had the chance to live my life for myself.

And I know a lot of people who have passed away far younger than they should have.

Given your DMs age I don't think I'd be moving right now. The situation may resolve itself in a couple of years by her needing to go into a home and then it could be a bit more straightforward to move.

You say your DD has expensive career plans. Once she is through university then surely it's up to her to figure out how to finance her career.

Is there anyway to monetise your existing property like renting out a room?

I have a great relationship with my mum. However - I think I would move. I would do everything I could to offer that she move with me. Perhaps even in with me, because we are close. If she refused, that's fine but I would probably discuss putting things in place before I left and make it clear I would not be rushing back every weekend. I would ask her to have one of those emergency necklaces that connect to someone. I would also have a little assessment of her house and offer to support any work that needed doing. Basically, get her ready for me to leave.

Ultimately she could move with you but she has her own life and friends. I completely understand why you are leaving. However, nothing is forever. She might move nearer in a few years.

@Ilikewinter

Then I couldnt get there quick enough before my mum passed, for that I will feel ever guilty.

My dad was in a care home just over a mile down the road when he passed away. A phone glitch meant I missed the 3am call to say he was on his way…I wouldn’t have chosen that for him and I wouldn’t choose it for my mum but I won’t make a decision that will affect the rest of my life on that possibility.

I personally wouldn’t. My elderly mother similar age to yours lives half an hour’s drive away and I find that hard. I have thought of moving closer so I can call in once a day. Also it gets harder as they get older obviously. My mother however does not use technology so I do all the shopping and help with banking etc and anything online as well as appointments. Can you move but not as far?

I am widowed and can understand your mother wishing to stay where her friendship group and social life are. They mean a great deal to me, and I foster those precisely because I do not want my DDs to feel obliged to fill my life; and to feel responsible for my happiness.

Two of them live locally and I see them about once a week, which is fine - they are busy and so am I. I do one school run a week.

But ...... I have had a couple of emergencies when I have had surgery and been unwell, and then they swing into action and help me out, for which I am very grateful. These are the situations when you will feel a bit torn. You need to discuss with your mother how things might be organised in the event of similar happening to her. This might involve you both looking into care provision locally: home care, community wheels, voluntary agencies etc.

I do think you should go ahead with your move, free up your finances and live your life a bit while you have the chance. I have had some health problems since being 60, and this may be your window of opportunity to live a bit before such things hit you. My window was taken up with caring for a sick OH - you need to grab this opportunity while you can.

There will be difficult moments when being so far away will be a challenge; but you are going into this with your eyes open. You only get one stab at life and need to grab your opportunities with both hands. I am sure you can discuss this with your mother with sensitivity.

Another of my DDs lives away and we are in constant contact on Whatsapp, video calls and visits. Could you organise this with your Mum?

I would go and if/when she needs to go into a care setting, bring her to one close to your new house. Until then, you can help organise any carers she needs etc.

I sacrificed my own needs to look after my DM and then I got cancer (with no other risk factors or family history). Hopefully I'm cured but I did wonder what impact not looking after myself and becoming completely exhausted played in lowering my immune system. I've had to let go a bit. I can't be responsible for her decisions (won't get carers) and have been much more determined to live my own life. You make a good case for how much difference it would make to you and you've given her the choice to move too. I say go for it.

I would go but I'm not providing care for my parents and have told them so.

My original plan was to move in 3-4 years but unless I can pull something spectacular out of the hat jobs wise I just don’t think I can manage financially for that long.

DD is brilliant. She’s in her first year at uni and hoping to become a barrister. She works her arse off and is great at managing her money but I want to be able to help her out if necessary, to give her the support I didn’t get at that time of my own life.

There’s not really any scope for monetising my current property. It’s a 2.5 bed terrace in a less than salubrious area. DD is back and forth from uni regularly and I’m not able (for health reasons) to have long term lodger. I did look into Air B & B during term time but the warning potential is limited and would need some investment up front which I just can’t afford atm.

I work full time, term time only, plus I have a zero hours contract for additional support at the school I work evenings, weekends and in the school hols, but the shifts I do currently are just allowing me to break even. There should have been more availability by now but it hasn’t worked out as yet. I’m looking for a third job.