Would you move 250 miles away from your elderly, widowed parent?

[MintyCedric]

Basically for cost of living reasons.

I’m divorced with a mortgage and kid in uni with potentially expensive career plans.

I have a decent amount of equity in my house and could at worst half my mortgage, at best not need one at all if I move (to a place I’ve fancied living for a long time, but planned to
wait until Mum no longer an issue and DD settled).

Mum doesn’t want to move - she has friends here for support and doesn’t want to start again.

She can also be quite challenging wrt to our relationship…I can imagine if I move there will be crises every five minutes. But if I stay put I will have to work myself into the ground just to exist…and I’m nearly 50 and want to living not just existing.

Would you do If you live miles from your EP, how does it work for you?

Sadly, many elderly people who gave no support end their years in awful conditions.
After my DM died, I agreed to advocate for my stepfather, whom I’m not at all close to. He has no other family, he’s now in a home, has severe dementia, doesn’t know me from Adam anymore. I visit once a month.
But it’s the humane thing to do and I’m in a position to support him. I’d hate to think no one would do the same for me if I ended up like him.

I think its really hard but you have to put yourself first and force the situation.

Start with another conversation to say that you are moving for xxx reasons. Whilst you understand her wish to stay put, what are her solutions for day to day care if you are not there. Stress that you cannot and will not help if she will not move.

However, at the end of the day, she is an adult with her own decision making, its her call on how SHE lives but not on how YOU live.

Experience here is one parent nearly 400 miles away with siblings close, we moved away from other parents to get out of a horrid area, to over 100 miles .... they just moved to be 5 miles away so all is well.

They already live near each other, the OP wants to move away and asked DM to move too

I think you should move to where you need to be for your own financial security and quality of life right now. Reassure her that if she needs more help as she gets older, she could move nearer where you end up, as it sounds as though it is a cheaper place to live and would maybe free up some of her money for carers etc if necessary.

If she won't move, that's her choice and it liberates you from having to stay put.

Exactly. I am childfree, so I will have to look after myself, or pay for help. Why do people automatically assume that adult children have to do this stuff? Plenty of people cope fine without this particular option. Nobody needs to martyr themselves to do this.

No, having seen the toll it took on my parents when DGM, who was 150 miles away started to decline.

At one point they were doing the journey evey week and even once she went into a home, they still felt obliged to visit regularly.

Also, my parents were amazing when DC were small and I needed their support, it just wouldn't be right to dessert them now.

I could never have moved that sort of distance from my mum once she got older. My brother emigrated to Australia in his 20s and stayed there until he died 12 years ago., and I was the only child here. I lived about 40 minutes drive from my Mum, which was still a difficult distance particularly as she became more infirm and developed dementia. I don't think I ever missed talking to her on the phone in the last ten years of her life and visited at least once a week, but once the dementia started to get worse, I needed to see her more often, particularly as she was very reluctant to accept carers.

I understand what you mean about feeling that time is slipping through your hands, OP, but your Mum won't be here for ever and you will have time to yourself again in future. I often wonder now how I coped with the last three years in particular of my Mum's life, but I find that it reassures me to know that I did everything I could to help her when she needed it.

Having read your updates OP
I have changed my mind and think you need to do what is right for you financially.

When my DF died I moved my similar aged DM closer to us.

However, @MintyCedric I think I remember your previous threads when your DF was ill and the stress you had with your DM at the time. I think you have more than earned a break from the hard times. However, you need to have a plan for when DM may need more care, so you don’t end up caught in trying to manage work and travelling to and from your DM various crises

Go for it! Any good mum would tell you too - would you not tell your kids to do what was right for them?

Just to add another perspective; have you considered the additional impact to your own children if you move away?

My mother fucked off abroad; which meant (as she’s an only child) the burden of dealing with her elderly parents fell to me and my sibling. My love for my grandparents prevented me from washing my hands of the situation but it’s put a massive strain on me; particularly as I needed to start advocating for carers etc as they deteriorated and my mum stuck her head in the sand and decided they were “not that bad”, despite not actually being around.

I am not going to be deserting my mum!

There will be FaceTime/phone calls, probably daily and lot of things can be managed long distance if needed.

She has a handful of good friends locally, all of whom are considerably younger than she is, and my best friend would be happy to support in an emergency if necessary and pop in from time to time.

Her NDN happily runs errands and gives her lifts when I’m working, I’m sure he’d be quite willing to put her bins out!

If I get a school based job, I’ll be down for a long weekend every half term and a longer stay in the school hols (or bring her back to mine for a bit of a holiday).

As someone upthread pointed out, if she needed help over a finite but longer period, I could rent my place out and stay with her for a period of time. The place I’m thinking of moving to would work well for holiday lets as well as long term rental so there’s plenty of flexibility there.

My daughter is also considering a move in the same direction for her masters/pupillage.

In the meantime, there a couple of potential opportunities on the horizon work-wise that may enable me to stay put for a while longer.

It’s just an awful lot to think about in the meantime.

Thanks @crumblingschools

@Dyrne DD has moved away to uni and won’t be moving back this way.

She is supportive of the move for the sake of my wellbeing and financial security.

Yes. I moved 1000 miles away from my 90 year old mother and none of her offspring even live in the same country as her (which is quite frankly her fault as she moved us all overseas when we were young then moved herself back to England).

She has carers in place so she is looked after and we have telephones so she can still moan at us all...!

You have to start thinking of yourself at some stage so if it's what you want to do, I'd go for it.

@whirlyhead blimey!

I honestly think it might be easier to cope wuth the 'dodgy carer' situation if you're a bit removed from it. Unless you think she's actually in danger.

From your recent previous message ( the move to the North ) it sounded like you have an affinity to the area you like.
Deep down I think you know you need to move to improve your life , several times fold.
From the sound of it , you are asking permission from us on here to rip the plaster off and going for it ?
You should .
Putting it bluntly , lots of people ( the elderly ) die by degeneration , i.e slowly over the years , becoming more frail , ailments getting worse etc , it's the ones that die reasonably well healthwise after a very short illness or in their sleep that are the lucky ones.
Yes your mum could still last a good few years yet , and of course that is a good thing
but don't put your own life on hold , again bluntly , none of us know when the end is for us so don't waste yours

@MintyCedric it sounds like you’ve thought things through, there’s a good local support system; and it won’t transfer the burden all to one person.

In your case then I’d definitely make the move, it sounds like the best thing to do.

@Soontobe60 I was asking the question of a PP in response to something they posted, not the OP!

@MintyCedric i remember your threads from a few years ago when your dad was very ill. (My parents were also very ill around the same time so your posts always struck a chord, as i felt complete carer burnout too but you have no choice but to keep going).
I think you should live your life as you want to, and your reasoning seems sensible from a financial perspective.
It’s guilt and obligation holding you back. I imagine you are conditioned to put others first now, so thats why you’re having all these uncomfortable feelings thinking about yourself for once.
You only get one life.
Don’t be held back by fear of judgement - and we can judge ourselves very harshly.

No I wouldn't. She may be fir and healthy now bit one day she won't be and you will be exhausted caring from a distance.

If her friends and support system is there, then she will be fine on her own.

Not really, my DGM refused to move for that reason but her friends were similar age to her and whilst some did continue without help a bit longer, they were all deteriorating.

I agree with this.

I am not my Mum's carer in the hands on physical but I do oversee things and help with appointments and shopping and various other random things that crop up.

My Mum presents very well publicly but behind the scenes she has been struggling for quite a while. It has only become obvious to me in the last year or so. She absolutely cannot manage her affairs independently and she wouldn't ask for help now because she doesn't realise she cannot manage.

What would happen if I wasn't around? Well, that really scares me because I imagine things would get worse and worse until she had a crisis and was picked up by social services.

It's very hard to do this remotely. You need to see what's going on with your own eyes and not potentially rely on, "I'm fine" which is what my Mum would say.

Does it have to be 250 miles away? Is there any closer, cheaper place that would be a middle ground? I think you definitely need to do something though, the amount your working and the drain on your income sounds unsustainable, and like something needs to change.