Would you move 250 miles away from your elderly, widowed parent?

[MintyCedric]

Basically for cost of living reasons.

I’m divorced with a mortgage and kid in uni with potentially expensive career plans.

I have a decent amount of equity in my house and could at worst half my mortgage, at best not need one at all if I move (to a place I’ve fancied living for a long time, but planned to
wait until Mum no longer an issue and DD settled).

Mum doesn’t want to move - she has friends here for support and doesn’t want to start again.

She can also be quite challenging wrt to our relationship…I can imagine if I move there will be crises every five minutes. But if I stay put I will have to work myself into the ground just to exist…and I’m nearly 50 and want to living not just existing.

Would you do If you live miles from your EP, how does it work for you?

That's lovely! Good size.

We could do it between us with no mortgage.

Tweak the kitchen and turn the utility into a full shower room. I’d have the kitchen/open plan living space. Mum could have the lounge and use the other reception room as her bedroom.

Ensuite bedroom each for me and DD, small bedroom as a dressing room and front left a hobbies/guest room.

I’d be at work during the week and do the bulk of the cooking. There’s some decent support/social groups for mum…

It didn’t work brilliantly before but maybe with less other stress and a bit more space it could work.

Honestly, I don't think you should be living with your mum. I don't think that would make you happy at all.

@determinedtomakethiswork

I’m more than willing to acknowledge I may be having a moment of madness 😂

No.
But I was an only child and my mum and I were very close. She died 5 years ago and I miss her every day.

I did feel “responsible “ as mum was widowed at 56 and there is no other family. She was still working then and had lots of friends.

As a only child you do feel a degree of responsibility though I think, but I was happy to take that responsibility on and didn’t begrudge it because she also helped me out with some childcare over the years and just in general. I think she was really my best friend. I feel very lucky to have had that closeness, although can acknowledge that at times it could be intense as she got older.

I lived approx 7 miles away, and have now actually moved into her house! But that is a whole other thread …..

Yes if she had additional support around her do you have siblings or cousins that can call in? How often will you visit her? Will that then increase your costs considering fueletc?

I want to move 300 miles to be nearer my elderly parents, but everyone's relationship is different.

I’m an only child. No other family aside from my DD who is away at uni, but some longstanding friends and a fabulous neighbour.

I work in a school and assuming I continued to do so if I move would be down for at least a long weekend every 6-8 weeks. It’s a long but very straightforward drive and would only really cost me in petrol.

You were thinking about moving 250 miles away from your Mum so I suspect you're more interested in the house rather than actually living with your Mum.

Spend a bit more time on the Elderly Parents board and you'll realise that living together is possibly the worst thing you can do. Keep them close but not that close!

@MichaelatheMechanic I virtually lived on the Elderly Parents board from early 2019 until late 2021!

You are right, I know deep down it wouldn’t work. I’m just trying to mentally balance the implications of living with my mum versus the implications of living 250 miles away if it comes to the crunch.

As for the house - it’s lovely but downsizing to a traditional cottage/little stone terrace with a log burner was far more what I had in mind!

At the moment I’m 3 streets away so have my own space but can be there within 5 minutes I’m an emergency.

Financially I just don’t know how long that will be sustainable.

I know that your Mum doesn't want to move from where she is but have you actively brainstormed the problem with her?

The current set up works in the sense that you are five minutes around the corner but it doesn't work financially for you and you need to make a change. Everything you are considering at the moment involves moving a long way away which doesn't sit well with you.

Old age creeps up on people. She may be perfectly fine at the moment but as time goes on friends can fall away, they're less able to get out and they often end up at home alone. So many older people say they are lonely and this is so destructive to physical and mental health.

I don't think you have hit on the solution yet because you are so conflicted. Keep researching and discussing it with your Mum. The right solution will appear and you will know when it's right so don't frantically push to find it.

MintyCedric

Like you I am an only child and the responsibility weighs heavy 🙁

I would present your options to her and say what you are planning. Was your Mum there for you? (Apologies if you have already shared this)

Personally I probably would as you cannot live your life through others but my parents have always been quite selfish and were not great when i grew up.

@everythingisgoingup

Mum has always been there for me in the practical sense, but we are very different characters and our relationship can be very challenging.

MintyCedric

Umm there is no ' right ' answer it is what you are happy to live iyswim

If she wants to stay and you want to go either; one of you compromises (gives in) or you both live with your choices and see what happens

@MintyCedric Knowing your experiences with your mum, I'm a bit shocked by the idea of you living with her. Of course, I understand you may feel differently and things might have changed a lot since I last saw your posts.

I'm not sure if you saw me on the boards last year. I ended up moving closer. Only time will tell whether that was a good choice. But actually living in the same house was never on the table.

Is there an in between option? Like if you bought a one bed flat and stayed nearer than Yorkshire? Apols if that's not useful in £ terms.

Hi @EmmaEmerald no it’s not realistic really tbh but clutching at straws I guess.

I need two bedrooms minimum as Dd is only in her first year at uni and coming back regularly.

By the time I factor in moving costs there’s very little to be gained by exchanging my swapping my very average 3 bed terrace for a half decent 2 bed flat.

@MintyCedric I see....round my way there'd be a big price difference but not worth it if you can't pocket that. Wasn't sure how often DD would be visiting if you're far away.

it's so hard isn't it, you have my sympathies.

The thing is moving costs alone would be £10k and if at some point I’m going to move up North anyway it’s batshit to have that outlay twice.

Agree
Im definitely in favour of the up north approach, as long as you feel able to cope with it. the financial aspect is always the most important IMHO.

Run, run away as fast as you can.
That's what I'm telling our daughter 25 as her father 68 and I 55 slide into infirmity.
I know she will be there for us if it comes down to it but there's plenty we can do to support ourselves and free her until that point.

@EmmaEmerald the only downside really is that I absolutely love my current job/workplace.

I’ve really struggled to find the right fit for me and the thought of giving that up is pretty terrifying but if I can’t manage financially then it is what it is.

I hate to say this, but be glad you still have your mum. Mine died from cancer when she was 62, 17 years ago, and missed most of my children growing up.

She would be 80 if she was still alive, and it breaks my heart that she, and my children, missed out on so much!

@MintyCedric Workplace troubles really beat the crap out of me....sorry to be cynical but the workplace can turn on a dime. My ex just had his employer pull the "get rid before you have your two years' rights". I am obviously sympathetic but didn't have a flicker of surprise.

As I say, not that I know you really well or anything, my main concern would be all the "not quite crises" that might see you rushing back, and that would impact on your work too. You probably need to think through criteria for rushing back or not.

No