Would you move 250 miles away from your elderly, widowed parent?

[MintyCedric]

Basically for cost of living reasons.

I’m divorced with a mortgage and kid in uni with potentially expensive career plans.

I have a decent amount of equity in my house and could at worst half my mortgage, at best not need one at all if I move (to a place I’ve fancied living for a long time, but planned to
wait until Mum no longer an issue and DD settled).

Mum doesn’t want to move - she has friends here for support and doesn’t want to start again.

She can also be quite challenging wrt to our relationship…I can imagine if I move there will be crises every five minutes. But if I stay put I will have to work myself into the ground just to exist…and I’m nearly 50 and want to living not just existing.

Would you do If you live miles from your EP, how does it work for you?

Yes, I would, and am planning to for similar reasons. And I’m hoping to do it while mum is in relatively good health. I’m the only one of my siblings living close by, so it would all fall to me otherwise and honestly I want to live my own life. This way the visiting/ sitting/ paying for care will get split evenly between siblings and I won’t stew in a fog of resentment. I have my own health problems and life is short- we never really know how short.
I would want my kids to live their own lives too and I will plan my own old age, should I get there. Do it!

No.

I would ask yourself how you will manage your relationship with mum from a distance and how will you cope when you start to have issues:

She has a fall and can't get up
There's a leak in the bathroom and she can't access the stopcock
There's a power cut and she's got no torches
She has a hospital appointment and someone needs to go with her
She has a nasty cold and is stuck in bed
She isn't strong enough to put the bins out each week
She's smashed a glass but can't clear it up

and on and on and on week in, week out. Because as she gets older she is likely to need more help here and there. That's if she doesn't need full on physical care which is another issue.

So what will your plan be when you get these phone calls? Will you hop in the car or will there be people you can call to help? Just imagine these scenarios and how you would deal with it.

We are stuck living close to an elderly relative who is basically housebound and incapable but largely refusing to accept regular professional help, so we have to pop in several times a week. It's fucking exhausting and we are quite resentful but we can't ignore her.

I totally get that you need to live your life. But you will need to understand and accept that at she gets older, living so far away can be a real pain if you need to organise care and/or she can no longer manage her own affairs. You may well find yourself wearing a groove on the road between your home and hers, as I've been doing for the last ten years. We're also had a difficult relationship. (possibly not difficult than yours) and if I'm honest, I resented all that travel time. But of course if I lived locally I'd have been resenting being at her beck and call.
I was fortunate that she was in an extra care facility, though, so it was only peripheral things that needed me. Trying to keep her in her own home would have been way more difficult.

My mum died three weeks ago, and it's quite odd to think that I never need to do that journey again

No

DD is brilliant. She’s in her first year at uni and hoping to become a barrister.

How wonderful! And yes you will need to help her out if you can. It’s very difficult to become a barrister from a non rich background, yet really important that ordinary people do, so I can understand you wanting to support.

No, I wouldn't.

My Mum is a similar age but has gone downhill in the last year or so due to vascular dementia. I'm an hour away and we don't have the easiest relationship but I love her and have wanted to support her.

She's really needed me and it's been bloody hard being an hour away so I can't imagine what it would be living a long way away.

I guess it would depend on what plans she has made for her own old age. My Mum was rubbish at all that stuff so a lot has fallen to me. I won't be doing the same to my own children!

I wouldn't. They've moved 200 miles from me. And it does worry me a bit for the future. But my sister is fortunately local to them.

All the posters laying on the guilt about “what if she falls, what if she can’t put the bins out”… what do people with no grown up daughters do? I expect they have to make decisions re their care accordingly.

Go, Minty, go.

I’d suggest you start thinking about what your options would be in the future.

I think you should move. If you don’t, each month you are just about scraping by for her benefit will only cause resentment as time goes on.

As she ages and becomes more frail, she may decide that having a helpful Dd near is more important than being close to friends. As her circumstances change, she will have different priorities which may end allying closer to yours. She could decide moving closer to you is the solution.

If she could afford care then perhaps she should start a saving fund now for future needs.

Im mid sixties and plan to move closer to my Dd in the future. I hope to be on hand when the DGC come along. On the other hand my ex MIL didn’t want to move and so her Dd is selling up and buying her DMs home and will move in and care for her.

You could perhaps think of it as a work task and break down all the reasons why you feel you should stay (dodgy possible relationship, care needs now and in the future etc.)

You shouldn’t be the only one trying to make plans for her future, she should be thinking about it too.

Thank you @TammyOne 😊 - she’s an absolute force of nature and wants to work in human/women’s rights so I will do everything I can to help her make that happen.

It’s such a difficult call to make - if it wasn’t for the financial aspect I wouldn’t be considering it now.

My current plan is to get my ducks in a row re possibly moving but also explore other options locally and make a judgement call end of June/beginning July, but at the moment I’m just spending every waking moment worrying myself stupid about it all.

I saw an article by Phillipa Perry recently where she said if you have to choose between living with resentment and living with guilt, choose guilt, which I thought was interesting.

I agree with this, you should not have to sacrifice yourself for your parent.

DM (widow, DDad died 30 years ago) and I lived 250 miles apart until 3 years ago. None of my siblings lived locally to her either - 2 of 3 of them didn't even live in the UK. During lockdown she decided it was ridiculous that she had 4 children and 6 grandchildren and couldn't see any of them. She now lives half a mile away.

Within 6 months of arriving she was diagnosed with a lymphoma, and had 10 cycles of chemo. Shortly after that she got a chest infection which hospitalised her, a very bad dose of Covid which became Long Covid and another chest infection and another week in hospital. Then sometime in hospital needing iron infusions. She had no health issues beforehand! Well - obviously the lymphoma was there, but hadn't cause noticeable problems.

Anyway, what I am saying is that DM went from having no health issues, to significant health issues with very little notice and needed a lot of nursing/caring. It was much easier when she was half a mile away, rather than 250 miles away. The other sibling in the uk is a teacher, son

Your first priority has to be your children so in your circumstances I would.

You shouldn’t be the only one trying to make plans for her future, she should be thinking about it too.

Oh she thinks and talks about it constantly, but LPA and will aside won’t commit to anything.

Her house has been on and off the market in the last twenty years (with the intention of moving to somewhere smaller/supported) more times than I’ve had holidays!

Move. Right now.

Put yourself and your kids first. I always think you own family (kids, partner) are the main priority rather than the expectations of elderly parents.

I see no reason why you should put your mental and physical health at risk and constantly struggle financially.

You gave your mother an opportunity to move with you and she said no.

You can't put yourself in a position where you might lose your house and mess your finances especially as you have a single income coming in.

Who is going to help with your own retirement? where is the money going to come from? having a home you can afford is key to your financial health.

You can't have 3 jobs and be expected to be the main carer for an elderly parent. That is simply not sustainable.

I think women are conditioned to put their needs always last and to try to care for everyone else but there is nothing 'selfish' about putting your own life first.

.... posted too soon

The other sibling in the uk is a teacher, so unable to be flexible re work- fortunately, my employer is very supportive of carers.

DM didn't know she had cancer when she moved. Maybe the whole situation would have been easier to manage remotely if DM hadn't been single.

Move if you want, but be prepared that health can deteriorate very suddenly and very quickly.

No, I wouldn't. If I really had to then I would ask the parent if they wanted to move with me.

Reading your description of her I think it's best if you move away from her, the more she can access you the more she will dominate you completely and dismiss your needs.

Move if you want, but be prepared that health can deteriorate very suddenly and very quickly.

I get that. My dad was a fairly standard, slightly bumbling 80yo before he fell down a flight of stairs and broke his back in 4 places which precipitated the end of life diagnoses 2 weeks into the first lockdown.

I would do my best by my mum but I will not be becoming a full time or live in carer. I had an effortless relationship with Dad who I absolutely adored and doing it for him nearly killed me.

I was subsequently diagnosed with GAD, panic disorder and cPTSD…it’s taken me three years to get back to some semblance of the real me and I can’t go through that again.

I have, she’s thought about it and said no.

It honestly doesn't sound as though you can afford to stay where you are. I don't see why you should beggar yourself for someone who is neither spouse nor child, ienot someone you have actively committed to supporting. And if was a spouse, it would only be "equal beggaring" - you wouldn't make yourself worse off than them, for them!

Would it be possible for DM to help you out financially, so you could have a better quality of life without moving?

I think because you can and because you have always wanted to live in the place 250 miles away, you should do that.
Think of yourself for the next five years.

Set yourself up so that you can, in five years time, drive down to visit Mum or to help her into her care home etc without being her full time carer. You might have the option of having a lodger in your home and renting a room from one of your Mum's friends for any month long unforseen circumstances.

You and your daughter can always come and visit Mum while she is well and has her own house too.

Think positively about your own moves.

250 miles is not as far as you think once you get used to the drive (or train).