Would you move 250 miles away from your elderly, widowed parent?

[MintyCedric]

Basically for cost of living reasons.

I’m divorced with a mortgage and kid in uni with potentially expensive career plans.

I have a decent amount of equity in my house and could at worst half my mortgage, at best not need one at all if I move (to a place I’ve fancied living for a long time, but planned to
wait until Mum no longer an issue and DD settled).

Mum doesn’t want to move - she has friends here for support and doesn’t want to start again.

She can also be quite challenging wrt to our relationship…I can imagine if I move there will be crises every five minutes. But if I stay put I will have to work myself into the ground just to exist…and I’m nearly 50 and want to living not just existing.

Would you do If you live miles from your EP, how does it work for you?

@Runnerinthenight

I’m sorry for your loss, 62 is far too young.

I know I’ve been very fortunate to have my parents around for all the big life milestones, but with the best will in the world, gratitude isn’t going to pay my mortgage or get my child through uni.

🎯

Exactly.

The entitlement does my head in.

Why are elderly parents often so content to run their middle aged children into the ground??

The OP is expected to upend her life, which would actually disadvantage her daughter.

No

With respect & actually a good point of comparison, as my Dad died young & DM is now very elderly, you don't know what those years would have been like.

Your DM might have had a massive stroke & you could have spent many years looking after her, whilst feeling guilty about spending less time with your DC.

Otoh, it could have been glorious. Either way, your experience is not the Op's, who has a more difficult relationship to deal with & in some ways, would have had a less fraught time if a crisis had occurred earlier.

I've been lurking on Elderly Parents for a long time and popped back in to say a goodbye (figuratively as I hardly ever posted!) as my father's funeral is on Wednesday and so my need for the support here is gone
I've been hoping to hear an update from you for a while MintyCedric as you had such a tough time through the last year of your father's life and going forward after that. Your mother did not treat you well at that point and seemed not to view you as a grieving and caring daughter in your own right, rather than someone there to care for her needs despite the cost to you.
My father was 250 miles away from me. I moved to a new role far from my parents with their blessing. Almost immediately my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and a year later she had died and my father moved to a nursing home.
Its probably easier when someone is in full time care than them living alone. the 6 months that dad did that were hard but it was always better for him to be near his friends than near me, including some younger than him who were willing to support him. And you can't just pop in when it is 4.5 hours away.
That being said, I think you need to move. it will be life changing for you. I would hope that your mother would be happy that your quality of life would improve immeasurably. Based on your past posts I am not totally convinced that will happen. There are risks, but there will always be risks and there are always solutions. this will mean that you are not the only solution to your mother's issues. Go well.

@Fluffythefish I’m so sorry for your loss…Hope you’re bearing up as well as possible and treating yourself with the kindness you deserve.

I really appreciate you taking the time to post under the circumstances.

It pretty much took me until last summer to get my life back on track but things are much more positive now in many ways, it’s just the financial stuff that is problematic.

Mum is still tricky but on the whole manages pretty well and all her friends are younger which is good. Tbf you’d never know she was 84 either! I see her for a few hours twice a week now unless she needs help with something when I’m available to support, and the space makes for a much better relationship.

Fully anticipating an epic meltdown if I do leave, but there is an element of the situation having come about as the result of her choices/behaviour and if she doesn’t want to relocate with me I can’t force her.

Anyway, all the very best to you for Wednesday and for peace and happy memories going forward 💐

@MintyCedric thank you so much. I'm glad to hear that life is better for both of you in many ways. You are a good daughter and a good mother. I hope you find the right ways to reward yourself for the love and care you have lavished on others. And new adventures maybe just what you need.

@MintyCedric I didn’t want to derail but as @Fluffythefish has kindly shared her experience and referred to yours, I have been very pleased to see that you have got here, so to speak.

I think we were all very worried about you on EP. If you have any advice re how you got through things, I’d love to hear it. But I fully appreciate you might not want to do that.

I think morally either going or staying would be right. You don't have an obligation to care for your parent. However what you need to decide is where you WANT to be? When you ring her and she's coughing, or she stayed in bed today because her tummy hurts, or she's had a fall, of course a friend or carer could look after her, or she may be fine after a day or two just resting up herself. The question is though, would you WANT to go? Would you worry if you didn't go? Because if you move, you aren't going to be able to be quickly by her side. Will there be long journeys worrying about missing work and what you are going to find at the other end, that could have been have been a quick check in after work if you'd stayed closer? If so, you should wait till she's gone to move.

@MintyCedric

'My current plan is to get my ducks in a row re possibly moving but also explore other options locally and make a judgement call end of June/beginning July,'

Have you made a decision ?

Go girl you cannot put your life on hold for your Mums sake. Arrange some help for her in your absence. Cleaner carer if she can afford it. My Mother had me up and down to her for years I moved in with her once it was a disaster. Be strong and don’t feel guilty Good Luck

Decided to put on hold due to general election and work hours being so mental the house really hasn’t been in a fit state and the whole thing was causing more stress than solving anything.

I'm now working a regular 55 hour week in term time and it’s definitely not sustainable long term.

I’ve managed some baby steps towards getting the house sorted and have more significant plans for over the summer break we including a five day trip to recce the areas I’m most interested in.

It’s possible that work situation may change a bit in the autumn which would take the pressure of workload off but still not leave me with much in the way of disposable income.

So plan now is continue to get the house straight/declutterred and review situation next March. If I decide to go ahead this would be a great time to job hunt for a role to start in September ‘25 so I can see the year out at my current school and hopefully move and get settled over the summer hols next year.

@MintyCedric

March was a month or so ago, have you made any further decisions ?