Would you move 250 miles away from your elderly, widowed parent?

[MintyCedric]

Basically for cost of living reasons.

I’m divorced with a mortgage and kid in uni with potentially expensive career plans.

I have a decent amount of equity in my house and could at worst half my mortgage, at best not need one at all if I move (to a place I’ve fancied living for a long time, but planned to
wait until Mum no longer an issue and DD settled).

Mum doesn’t want to move - she has friends here for support and doesn’t want to start again.

She can also be quite challenging wrt to our relationship…I can imagine if I move there will be crises every five minutes. But if I stay put I will have to work myself into the ground just to exist…and I’m nearly 50 and want to living not just existing.

Would you do If you live miles from your EP, how does it work for you?

Hi Minty, I remember you telling us about your mother and about the care worker previously here. I think that you have done a lot for her over the past few years but you need to put yourself and your long term needs before her now.

Your a single parent and your daughter has just started university. Your costs are high and at the moment your working hard to barely brake even. You asked your mother to move to the new area with you and she wont do it his as she has friends near by. Along with this she has savings and wants to keep this money for care ect.
She may give you some money but then your very beholden to her.

You have told us that by moving house you could be £500 to £800 a month better off and being honest that would improve your financial position both now and in the future.
You could be mortgage free or have a small mortgage. You could put a lump sum from your house sale into a pension plan and pay into this plan each month. Then down the line you could access this to retire before state pension age.
You also have more money to help your daughter now, to build up your own savings and to enjoy your own life.

To be honest your mother has decided to suit her life by not selling her house in the past and possibly buying one that would be better for her old age. She has decided to not move to your new area either. The reality is that she probably only seen what's suits her but has very little understanding or choses to ignore what your life is like at the moment.

I have a friend whose mother is slightly younger than yours and my friend has similar issues to you. Her mother has money but won't help out my friend financially and has made excuses why she won't do this. She has been verbally nasty to my friend on several occasions.
Her mother refuses to listen any advice she has been given. Yet she expects help as she gets older and is very against going into a nursing home.

My friend has started to look into a few things and will be making plans to improve her own life and finances. As she said to me I have to consider my own life and finances going forward.

Your not been selfish moving if it going to make your own life and finances easier now and long term. Your mother has decided to stay in her house despite you asking her to move area with you so she has to realise that your not staying in your current house to suit her.
Your entitled to your own life also. Good luck with the house move and new job.

I see the other side of this as I'm a community nurse.

The patients I see who have families miles away are the ones who really struggle the most.

It's fine while everyone is well and independent but it only takes a fall or bout of illness for that to change quite dramatically.

I don't envy you this decision OP, because it's impossible to see into the future. If only you could know what's coming it would make the decision much easier to make! But you can't. I hope that by some stroke of luck you make the right decision for yourself.

The reality is that she probably only seen what's suits her but has very little understanding or choses to ignore what your life is like at the moment.

This is bang on. She’s well aware of my situation. But when my DD popped round the other day mum said to her ‘I don’t understand what your mum is so stressed about’

Mum has helped me financially in the past, and quite generously, however although she’s always been the one to offer (rather than me asking) she keeps tabs on the help she gives and will remind me not infrequently if she notices I’ve bought a new top or I mention that I’m going out.

If I was in a position where she could help me out to the tune £x and everything would be permanently resolved that would be great, but neither of us are really in a position, either through choice or circumstances, where that would work.

I live a 3 hour drive from my 84 year old mum. It used to be 2 hours away but she moved further away aged 72. I questioned the wisdom of this at the time but she wouldn’t listen as she was perfectly fit at the time. Fast forward a decade and she’s now riddled with arthritis. My dad died years ago.I suggested that she move in with us as we have a ready made studio in our back garden. It was a no to this and a no to moving to more suitable accommodation on one floor or a supported living arrangement It is v difficult as she is clearly struggling. Have put some things in place such as a a stairlift, grab handles, adapted the shower ( All at our expense ) but it’s a real worry. I can’t imagine how I’ll cope if she has a sudden illness or fall. But if your mother is anything like mine you’d be better moving away for your own sanity.

This is bang on. She’s well aware of my situation. But when my DD popped round the other day mum said to her ‘I don’t understand what your mum is so stressed about’

Mine is the same, "I don't ask you to do much" and to be fair she is pretty self-reliant, the problem is when she needs something it's often urgent and I am the only person who can do it, whether it's calling the paramedics because it seems like she might be having a mini stroke, or stopping the smoke alarm beeping, or getting cash out to pay the cleaner and workmen. I barely have the headspace to sort my own life out let alone hers.

You can't put your life on hold forever and working three jobs and caring for your mum sounds like a fast track to burnout.

You need to move sooner than later, so you're well enough to establish yourself get out there and make friends and become part of your new community.

If you can continue to work term time then as you've said you'll be able to visit frequently and probably be better mentally prepared for it's

@SierraSapphire I hear you…our mums sound quite similar.

Sending unMumsnetty hugs and gin.

No, I'd not consider it, but I am really close with my mum

Do please keep asking your DM, on a regular basis.

Keep the conversation going, it doesn't need to be a yes or no immediately, but every time you open up the dialogue it can bring a gradual sense of reality to your DM that this change is something that affects her and that she needs to think of your needs, her DGDs needs and her own care needs.

I've seen it happen loads of times with elderly relatives. It starts with a resolute no, and over time it becomes an easier conversation as they become more accustomed and less frightened about the change.

Could you look at retirement/independent living options where you're planning to move to, and then persuade your DM to just go take a look at a couple of places. This could make the future look a lot more real and hopefully more positive for her.

@daisychain01 thank you, that’s a good idea.

I’ve only had a a tentative look at options so far. She could have a lovely flat in a supported complex and £100k extra in the bank potentially…it’s just convincing her that’s the issue.

It's called "Slowly, slowly catch ye monkey"
Drip feed over a number of weeks.

the supported complex sounds ideal because it frees you up (emotionally as much as anything) and being close by, you and she know you can be available very easily and drop by for visits just for a cuppa becomes something nice to look forward to. It could build your relationship as well.

the extra money in the bank may not be what "sells it" to her, but it's a big benefit all the same.

As the saying goes, you shouldn't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Please don't sacrifice yourself for your Mum. Would you want your daughter to do that for you when you're 85 and she's 50?

Your Mum can afford extra help so she needs to book it in. You'll feel guilty of course but you'd feel guilty if she lived with you (ask me how I know!) because we never feel that we're doing all we should be doing.

You need to make the most of your 50s and 60s so go for it!

I think it sounds doable ( but maybe stressful) if there are people to rely on in an emergency. Lots of weekends and holidays so plenty of ‘ quality ‘ time.
Îm just wondering about you though cos it sounds like you are moving away from your own support network ? If it wasn’t for the money would you still want to move ?

I’d suggest she rented a supported flat if at all possible rather than buy just in case she needs to sell cos supposedly that can take a good while to do.

If it wasn’t for the money would you still want to move?

It’s something that has been on my mind for several years. I have just three friends locally, who are amazing but all have their own lives and commitments.

I have lots of friends spread across the country…the move would free me up financially to see more of lots of people. I’m also an active member of a group near where I’m hoping to move to and have a couple of friends and family members within 90 minutes drive.

I’ve researched the area and if I can get somewhere where I’m hoping to there’s a community centre and social club in walking distance than run activities I’d be interested in, and an organisation I’m keen to volunteer for a couple of miles away in the town centre.

Plus I’d still be working so hopefully meet people through that too.

I’m also an active member of a group near where I’m hoping to move to

It’s an online community around my primary hobby I’ve been involved with for about 4 years. They have in person meet ups about half an hour from where I’d be relocating to.

You nailed it here.

Considering what you’ve been through, I am very impressed at the generosity of spirit you show towards your mother.

But looking at the practicalities, if your mum has things happen like hospitalisations, are you going to feel obliged to rush down, or is there someone else who will deal with that kind of thing?

I’m not suggesting you should feel obliged or guilty. But on a deeply practical level, I wonder how it might impact you.

I have had several times over the years, where if I had been far away, it would have been difficult and inconvenient. Two hours was hard enough.

But I do realise that there are plenty of people managing in that situation.

And I do agree that your finances and mental health need to come first. So it’s just a question.

I have my elderly dad living very close to us. When we retire in about four years time we would like to move to another area of the country but would not do it whilst my dad is alive. He would literally have no-one else.

Living on £50 for food and petrol and nothing left over is not sustainable. So I would move. Your mother could live another 10 years or even more. You would be a mess trying to do 2 or 3 jobs, live off £50 per week and deal with your mother’s “manipulations”.

However at the same time I think you have to be realistic that 250 miles is a long way away. Unless there is a very good public transport link. So in practice you wouldn’t see your mother probably very often. However if you are determined to move and you are giving her an option to move closer she may come round, even if it is some time after you move.

It also sounds like you’ve had a lot of pressure looking after everyone. Maybe it’s time to take care of you and put your interests first?

And I agree with a pp that even if you lived closer to her there would still be guilt. I live 100 miles away and see her once a month roughly. but whatever I did would never be enough (and we’re not even close). Also, moving might force your mother to think about plans for her future now. I’m not sure whether your suggestion was for her to move somewhere more supported either close to where she is now or else where you plan to move. But she can make that call as it’s her choice.

We've been there and made the move. Your health is important too. It sounds like your mother has good support locally with her own networks.

I'm not saying it's not a tricky decision, it is, and I had a close relationship with my mother. In the end, the fact my DH's health was declining due to the demands on him in his local job wasn't something I could ignore. In your case, if your health is being negatively affected, that is a priority to consider. You just have to be prepared that you'll be less able to support your parent and might need to organise for professional carers to be available.

@EmmaEmerald it’s a fair point and one of the things that worries me.

Obviously if anything major happened I’d come come back…it’s the minor things (she had a couple of smalls early last year - one of which needed stitches) that I’d feel awful about not being there for.

That said, she’s —a terrible patient—pretty feisty, and there are people here that could step in.

Although it’s a long distance, it’s a very straightforward one, pretty much two motorways and an A road at either end. I’ve not issue with the drive. It’s about 4.5 hours in good conditions with no stops.