Would you move 250 miles away from your elderly, widowed parent?

[MintyCedric]

Basically for cost of living reasons.

I’m divorced with a mortgage and kid in uni with potentially expensive career plans.

I have a decent amount of equity in my house and could at worst half my mortgage, at best not need one at all if I move (to a place I’ve fancied living for a long time, but planned to
wait until Mum no longer an issue and DD settled).

Mum doesn’t want to move - she has friends here for support and doesn’t want to start again.

She can also be quite challenging wrt to our relationship…I can imagine if I move there will be crises every five minutes. But if I stay put I will have to work myself into the ground just to exist…and I’m nearly 50 and want to living not just existing.

Would you do If you live miles from your EP, how does it work for you?

@RainIsCosy I’m glad you managed to figure it out.

Health wise…meh…I’m peri/menopausal so have all the associated crap with that going on, and I’m exhausted and just emotionally drained most evenings and weekends which are mostly just doom scrolling, housework and nodding off on the sofa. I’ve also started suffering with eczema recently which flares when I'm stressed or run down so that’s a delight atm!

I do one 13 hour a day a week, four normal days but one of those I go straight from work to mums so am out for about 10/11 hours. I usually spend half a day with her at the weekend and work 1 weekend day a month.

If I continue in my current role I’d be looking to take on another afternoon and and and additional weekend day which would help but not as much as I’d like after tax.

So how sustainable it is long term is very tenuous.

There’s a couple of possible work developments that may arise in the next few months so am waiting to see how they pan out before making a final decision.

Whatever you decide, it sounds like it will be a decision made with good thought and not rushed into. You can only do your best. In our case my DH's health improved quickly when we moved, but it's tricky with the parents. Sometimes there is no ideal solution so you just make the best decision you can.

Move

No one of your age should be considering finding a 3rd job !

However, do you have a job to go to ?

I’m 100 miles away from my mum, and to be honest that has forced her to accept carers rather than rely on me if I lived nearer. I still visit at least once a week to do her shopping and check things over, which is still exhausting. Even more so because DB, who did one weekend a month, decided to take a new job abroad so I haven’t had a break since before Christmas.

Id still say to go. Life is too short to put plans on hold if you don’t have to. But you may have to start having the hard conversations with her, putting various scenarios to her and asking what she’d want in that situation.

This thread is making me feel very guilty. I moved to be closer to my mother several years ago. It has been a spectacular failure. There have been endless fall outs and upset. I have done a lot to help her but she is quite nasty to me, interspersed with gushing fake niceness. We really have no relationship and I barely visit her now . I feel really guilty about it but she had a really bad effect on me and I am at the end of my rope. She has lots of friends through her church and they are closer to her than I am. They’re much younger than her though and have their own lives. I now want to move away again . This means myself and one sibling will be a long way away . There is another sibling not far away but they don’t speak after a fall out . I do wonder if I should hang around longer but I just can’t bear her anymore .

You will always know you tried to do the best for your mother by moving closer to be able to help her. That was very generous and thoughtful. Unfortunately, your mental health is suffering now and that is important to think about too. I think a good saying is not to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Can her church community step up to support her a bit?

I would move. You have to live your life and your DD matters too. You have offered for your mum to come along and she has said no. That’s her decision as an adult with agency; you make your decision.

They do a lot. They do the things I ought to be doing a lot of the time. The trouble is she is absolutely rabid about religion and very judgemental. I don't know her friends or community at all. I'm just the nearest child to her who tries to help. I am tired of her self absorbtion and nastiness now and can't take it anymore. My inclination is to move away and leave her to it. Sorry if I am derailing your thread, OP. Not my intention.

However, do you have a job to go to ?

Not as yet, however my skills and experience could cover a fairly wide range of options. The job I do here and want to do are both very portable and there are definitely the same roles available in the area I’m looking to move to.

I’m realistic about the fact I may have to take a job to pay the bills initially (or temp, I’ve done lots of admin/reception work) and then figure out something more career adjacent once I’m settled.

@Thatsthewayitisnt don’t feel guilty. You’ve done your best and it’s not worked out as well as you’d hoped. If that was the situation in any other context would you be beating yourself up about it.
We all have different relationships with our parents…and that’s as much about them as it is about us.

Thank you. I wish you luck in your next stage of life, you’re doing the right thing.

It's fine while everyone is well and independent but it only takes a fall or bout of illness for that to change quite dramatically.
That is true, and it’s partly going through this experience with two different nearby relatives that is making me determined to move before my mother gets there. That way, all my (several) siblings and I will (I hope) share the driving/ visiting/ admin burden equally and I won’t be shouldering it all ( possibly for years) on my own. I am not sacrificing my entire 50s to that and neither should OP.

This is what I was going to say. Also if you stay and you wanted to go, you might end up resenting it / her which might add to the problems.

I would go, let her find stuff to help her and then visits can be sociable only which will be better all-round.

@Orangesandlemons77

There is a lot of resentment on my side already if I’m totally honest…both regarding historical stuff and particularly how she made everything so much harder when my dad was caring (wasn’t up to the job but refused to accept more carers, expected me to take over everything she couldn’t/wouldn’t do but then interfered constantly…if it had just been me and dad it still would have been horrible but nowhere near as complex and stressful as it was).

On the day to day I’ve made peace with a lot of it, but the ongoing situation with dad’s former carer is like a constantly running sore, and I can’t help feel if she’d more supportive of certain things when I was younger instead of trying to control the narrative I’d be in a very different financial/career situation now.

when my dad was caring

dying

Be strong, Minty.

You've taken a sounding from MN at large.
The future is about you.
You've been dancing to her tune for as long as I can remember on this board.
Play you own music now AT FULL BLAST
PS Well done to DD, she always had a cool head, way beyond her years ...

@MintyCedric I remember you going through it all with your Dad...

A side note with the eczema, we live in a hard water area and got a softener, and as a side effect my eczema practically vanished. So if the move is to a soft water area or frees up money to get a softener - there's that
#sidenotetoendallsidenotes

@MysterOfwomanY

Haha…ironically I would be moving from a hard water to a soft water area.

I shall tell mother it’s for health reasons 😂

' to a place I’ve fancied living for a long time, '

your mum doesn't want to move, that's fine - that's her choice, she doesn't live with you, you don't live with her.

so move to where you choose to move.

if mum changes her mind in the future then she can move.

otherwise if she needs it she can have carers etc or move to a residential home if she owns or she can move to rented that has extra help etc.

move now whilst you are young enough to find another job.

I’ve just been on RightMove and seen a house roughly in the area I’m considering (in the neighbouring suburb to my first choice).

If I could get something similar when the time comes, and a job on the same salary as I’m currently on, I would go from struggling to having no debts, and either no mortgage, or a small mortgage of £100pcm which would be paid off by the time I’m 60, and a cushion of £8-10k in savings.

It’s quite mindblowing to think that could be a possibility.

Tbf that all sounds great and really well thought out. Really quite exciting in fact 😊I think Îd look around for rented supported living flats for DM maybe she could cope with a few more years with you living at a distance but when she came to visit you you could go and have a look round flats together and when/ if push came to shove she could perhaps move to one.

OK well that sounds like you need to have strong boundaries in place considering the past in case the same kind of thing happens again. Moving might be helpful with this. I know I live away from my (divorced) but similar parents. Best wishes with it.

I wouldn't. It's a very long way.

I’d probably be too scared to go but I think you should move. And if your DM actually cared about you she’d want you to move too.

Well, one of the local possibilities I was looking at is a no-go (a training contract for the job I’d ultimately like to do but don’t quite tick the previous qualification boxes for).

I’ve seen something else I might apply for over the weekend, and am working on a proposal for a new role with my current employer which would be the ideal.

In the short term it looks like an extra evening shift will be available in the next few weeks.

Meanwhile DD is having crappy first week back at uni and all I want to do is book a Travelodge and jump in the car, but I can’t. It’s this sort of thing that really pisses me off. Just not having enough of a cushion to do that. She’ll be fine and so will I, it’s not a major catastrophe, just frustrating.

I’m even starting to wonder if mum would come with me if we buy a place together. Have seen a lovely house in the right area that would give us both our own space.

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/146469023?utm_campaign=property-details&utm_content=buying&utm_medium=sharing&utm_source=copytoclipboard#/&channel=RES_BUY