Would you move 250 miles away from your elderly, widowed parent?

[MintyCedric]

Basically for cost of living reasons.

I’m divorced with a mortgage and kid in uni with potentially expensive career plans.

I have a decent amount of equity in my house and could at worst half my mortgage, at best not need one at all if I move (to a place I’ve fancied living for a long time, but planned to
wait until Mum no longer an issue and DD settled).

Mum doesn’t want to move - she has friends here for support and doesn’t want to start again.

She can also be quite challenging wrt to our relationship…I can imagine if I move there will be crises every five minutes. But if I stay put I will have to work myself into the ground just to exist…and I’m nearly 50 and want to living not just existing.

Would you do If you live miles from your EP, how does it work for you?

I had an effortless relationship with Dad who I absolutely adored and doing it for him nearly killed me
My guess op is that your mother feels fully entitled to the same level of support that you provided for your father, and then some.

Sorry if this comes across wrong, but does your mother have a bit of money to her name? Money that will pass to you on her death? If she does, is there any way you could suggest to her she let's you have a little regularly now to subsidise your living so you can afford to stay where you are? Sorry, I know that comes across incredibly badly.

It's just that, in answer to your question, no I would not move (and am not moving) further away from an elderly parent. My parent is a bit older than yours and I already live about an hour and 45 from them. I would like to move a bit further away, but won't whilst my parent is alive. I am financially OK, but I have to constantly fend off my parent offering me money 'that will eventually be yours anyway' and I know they would rather I had the help now than move further away from them.

Has she got any spare money?
You are essentially staying in an area costing you more than you can afford, for her benefit. Could she afford to give you a monthly payment? If she has money and says no, then I'd move. If she really is hard up, then I'd stay.

Has she got any spare money?
You are essentially staying in an area costing you more than you can afford, for her benefit only. Could she afford to give you a monthly payment? If she has money and says no, then I'd move. If she really is hard up, then I'd stay.

You are drowning financially with two jobs. If your mum needs care, you would go under as something would have to give and its not feasible to manage a house and student daughter on a carer's allowance. I would move now and put contingencies in place for the future. Worst case scenario: you could rent your house out in the new area if you mother needs you for an extended period of time.

Who is going to help with your own retirement? where is the money going to come from? having a home you can afford is key to your financial health.
You can't have 3 jobs and be expected to be the main carer for an elderly parent. That is simply not sustainable.

Hard agree with this.

Yes I would. You can't afford to carry on as you are and you need to help your daughter, which should be your priority. Your mother has money to pay for help.

The fact is none of us know how much time we have left. With the money you save you can afford to travel if you need to, but giving up your dreams is only going to lead to anger and resentment and poison what good relationship there is between you.

I don't have kids but if I did I strongly feel that I wouldn't expect this of them. I have been a carer briefly for a family member and it nearly broke me.

Yes I would. You can't afford to carry on as you are and you need to help your daughter, which should be your priority. Your mother has money to pay for help.

The fact is none of us know how much time we have left. With the money you save you can afford to travel if you need to, but giving up your dreams is only going to lead to anger and resentment and poison what good relationship there is between you.

I don't have kids but if I did I strongly feel that I wouldn't expect this of them. I have been a carer briefly for a family member and it nearly broke me.

Theoretically, yes, but:

a/ the savings she has (approx £90k) are earmarked for funeral expenses, bequethments and she wants to hold on to the rest for emergencies or care expenses.

b/ she could move somewhere smaller but has been waivering about this for at least 20 years so I can’t see it happening in a timely enough manner if at all.

c / Equity release…given some thought previously but since then mum has decided to change her Will to split the proceeds of the house between me and my DD. So if she was to release equity and live another 10 years, it would wipe out Dads inheritance as well as any balance of mine.

She has helped me out here and there which is hugely appreciated but that would be a bit like trying to bail out out sinking ship with a saucepan at this point. And I don’t really want to feel any more beholden than I have to.

I do very much wonder if a son would be under such heavy expectations of involved day to day care… with 4 brothers I feel I can say no they would not!

If you do move, are you concerned about the "inappropriate relationship" developing to the extent that the carer starts to benefit him financially? If that's what your Mum wants of course it's none of your business, but if on the other hand you could classify her as vulnerable that makes it more of a worry.

NoHowever, I don't think that fear should stop you living your life - more that you have to accept that it might happen, you might not have been able to stop it anyway had you stayed, and accept it as something you have done all you can reasonably do to prevent, but at the end of the day her life and money is hers to live and spend, and the same applies to you.

You need to consider your life and your daughter's.
You need to move ,
You gave your mum the choice. She said no. She's doing what she wants with apparently no guilt/consideration for your circumstances.

So why do you feel you can't do what's best for you?

She has offered this, but again it’s really only a short term solution, wouldn’t improve my situation significantly and would mean ide be beholden.

A move could improve my finances by between £500-£800 per month.

If I was able to find a suitable school job I would also be able to spend a chunk of time with her every 6-8 weeks.

I would say you mum is very vulnerable, with this carer still around and it wouldn't be the best to move and leave her to potentially be preyed upon.

Do you have POA if anything happens to her?

From what you've written about your finances, I would go now. I've changed my mind from the beginning of the thread there.

I would try to set up something like Facebook portal or a Ring doorbell or Alexa or all three so that you can talk to her and see her remotely in or out of a crisis (you could commit to her that you won't use it to spy on her but only if essential or if it's convenient to her).

I would make sure she has a pendant alarm; with the understanding that if she presses it, you will call via Alexa etc and if you can't speak to her, you'll call an ambulance for her.

I would put PoA forms in front of her and basically say signing them is non-negotiable. Being able to manage your mum's finances remotely via Internet banking will be essential. If you ever needed to redirect post or anything like that, POA makes life easier. It makes it much more likely that authorities wil listen to you (remotely) as if they are talking to her.

Then I would sell up and get on with my life.

😃
I moved 1000 miles from my mother and never questioned neither regretted one step!

@PermanentTemporary

She's very financially astute and is currently in the throes of finalising a new LPA with me and DD as joint attorneys.

The video connection idea is great as she’s hard of hearing so face to face would work well.

She already has a wrist alarm. I suspect her NDN would be ok with being an emergency contact if needs be.

@GingerPirate glad it worked out for you.

No I wouldn't but then I have a good relationship with my mum.

YES MOVE!

a) with three jobs, you won't be able to help her should she need it anyway. I can only help mine because I'm self-employed and very flexible.
b) she might not even need help - my friends' parents are divided into three groups. First, the incredibly fit and independent who are even in their 90s and needing no help whatsover. Second, the drop-dead of a heart attack or a quick cancer without needing much help - one of my friends' mother was working as model and jetting off all over when she died of a heart attack aged 79. Thirdly, the ones like mine who have needed huge amounts of help over a protracted period.
c) as a PP said, what do those without self-sacrificing daughters do?

You just don't know what's going to happen in the future but you do know you're not coping now. If she's as good a mother as you are to your daughter, she'd want you to go.

I love that Philippa Perry thing about living with guilt or living with resentment. My new mantra.

No there's no way I would. But then I have a great relationship with my mum. I couldn't expect her to move because she has a social life here and friends & independence. She's kept quite busy but that took time after my Dad died & she couldn't start over

I would move. She could easily go on for another 10 years or so. It sounds like the multiple jobs situation isn’t sustainable now, never mind in 5, 8 or 10 years +. She has made the decision not to come so on one level she should be ok with you living further apart.

I live quite far from my mum and she isn’t getting any younger. I don’t want to move to her area which has more expensive housing costs, a worse climate (l live in one of the driest and sunniest areas of the UK) and the job market isn’t that great. She isn’t happy with me not doing this but conversely doesn’t want to move to our area.

@TruthorDie may I ask, does your mum genuinely think it's a reasonable ask for you to move to her area, mostly for her benefit (asking as you say 'she isn't happy with me not doing this')?

@potatoschpotato yep! She’s of the opinion her area is the best area ever ever!!! So why leave? Plus she always wants things her way. It’s not an age thing, she has always been like this. She’s frequently puzzled that people feel differently to her about things.

It nearly happened to us a couple of years ago. DH applied for an internal promotion which would have meant relocation to the other end of the UK. We would have done it but DH didn't get the job. I would have had the support of my 2 siblings, one of whom lived overseas for 10 years and has just returned to live in the UK permanently and the other who lives about 10 minutes from DM.