Overheard my mother talking to my sister

[Thegreengreengrassofhomes]

Currently staying with DM (93). I have been living abroad for 12 years but we have been thinking about moving back home to be closer to DM & have been looking into schools etc for DC (aged 9 and 10). DM is very independent but we have been visiting regularly since covid (long-haul flight away) and I’ve been helping with lots of things which have enabled her to stay safe & independent.

My sister and I have never been close. Sister has a high-powered job, also lives abroad but can’t visit DM as often or move home to help her due to her work. DH & I can continue to do our jobs in either place, so things are easier for us in that sense.

Since I first mentioned the idea of moving back a few months ago, DM hasn’t seemed very enthusiastic. I have asked her about this and she said she was worried about my dc’s education. The school systems in both countries are fairly similar and dc would be attending good private schools either way, so this didn’t make much sense to me.

I’ve just overheard DM on the phone to my sister, talking about me as though I were an inconvenient house guest (I have spent the week helping her with all sorts of quite serious practical things). She then started to discuss my planned move in a very disparaging, negative way. She mentioned that it was a bad idea but that unfortunately she “wouldn’t have any say in the matter.” At that point I went out into the garden to compose myself!

I’ve always found that my DM has a habit of telling people what she thinks they want to hear, so I’m rather curious why she was saying these things to my sister.

Had she been as frank with me, I would have dismissed the idea of moving. I was becoming resigned to it and DH/DC were starting to talk about with more enthusiasm but we are actually much happier where we are and certainly not bothered if the move doesn’t happen.

The whole idea was just about helping my DM. I am DM’s primary POA if anything happens to her, and I felt that she would be able to stay independent for longer if I were nearby.

Just wondering if anyone can offer any words of wisdom as I’m feeling quite hurt and confused.

Scrub the plan. Stay where you are.

I'd cancel the move and tell your mother that you overheard the conversation. No drama, but, "We are no longer planning to move here because I heard you telling Sister on the phone that you didn't want that."

Stay where you are happy!!!

Yes, that’s what I’m doing.

I’m just trying to make sense of DM’s behaviour.

Stay where you are.
It sounds like there is money about, so pay for care when the time comes. I wouldn't be uprooting my family for someone that doesn’t want me there.

Some mums will always play one child off against the other. Quite honestly she'd have to be nuts not to want one of her children to live nearer - at 93 she must realise she doesn't have a lot of time left and one fall could be disastrous.

However, I would stop any idea of moving back and yes, I would tell her why, but as calmly as I could, so maybe not immediately.

Why don’t you just ask her? Have an actual conversation.
‘Mum I overheard you on the phone to DSis earlier - I didn’t realise you felt like that. Should we postpone the idea of living over here if it’s not what you want?’

Thanks all. Yes I’m definitely cancelling the plan & I’m also reconsidering our frequent visits/ help. Doing that makes me feel a bit petty but the tone in her voice was so dismissive and she completely glossed over the fact that I had been helping her so much.

That must have been hard to hear. On the plus side, though, you are now released from any obligation to move back and become more involved in your mother's care. Continue to enjoy your life abroad, and make sure that your mother knows why.

I’d guess she’s saying that to your sister to promote the illusion of independence that many elderly’s live behind - while in reality there is someone actually dealing with appointments, electricians, life admin etc. she wants your sister to be thinking everything is fine, mum is still coping and in good fettle. Pride I suppose!

She sounds totally ungrateful . You know where you stand now so don’t bother in future.

Good that you are not going to do it.

I think you should sit her down and say you couldn't help overhearing her conversation and you wanted to reassure her you are not now moving back. Ever. So she's got nothing to worry about.
And you'll be cutting your visit short now and to please feel free to be honest in future, you won't be at all offended because you'd much rather know if she doesn't want a house guest.

I’ve tried that before because I sensed she didn’t want us to move here from her lack of enthusiasm. She insisted I was mistaken and that she was just worried about the educational impact. She didn’t really tell sister WHY she didn’t like the plan either. So it’s a bit of a mystery.

Who is the eldest between you and your sister OP? Sounds like our family dynamic and I realised much too late that I need to prioritise my own family instead of trying to make my parents happy.

Ha! I recognise this behaviour.

Probably your sister has intimated that you are ‘taking over’ and essentially positioning yourself as favourite daughter. And that it’s Not Fair. So your mother, to placate her, has badmouthed you to your sister.

She wants to keep in with both of you. Does she have a history of playing you off against each other?

I don’t think you need come to any sudden hasty decision. Certainly tell her you overheard - and ask her to be honest. See what she says.

This ^ and how very upsetting and galling to hear it when you've spent the last week helping her out.

Well fine, if she doesn't want you to move and you were only going to do it to help her out, she can get stuffed. But what a horrible way to have your offer thrown back in your face. Have a stiff drink OP. It sounds like you need it.

You need to speak to your mum; tell her you overheard her conversation with your sister and are now reconsidering your plans to relocate. I agree she was probably trying to assert her independence.

This is exactly what I thought too. Has she been slagging off your sister to you? Playing you off against each other to get you both to dance to her tune?

Maybe she's just playing you off against each other, I would tell her you overheard the conversation and suggest you think it's best you check into a hotel now, you don't want her to feel she has to have you stay, put the ball in her court. I would also ask if she wants you to continue with poa as you live overseas, would she prefer to appoint a solicitor, and you've decided to stay where you are for now. Only move back to the UK if you want to.

Tbh i think you were crazy to think of moving for a 93 year old.
As from experience of our family they deteriorated very fast from that age.

i think you need a frank discussion.
Perhaps she feels it’s an invasion of her privacy
Perhaps she wants to be left to her own devices
Perhaps she feels she’ll loose her independence

You need to have the discussion but it doesn’t sound like she wants you to make the move if it’s just for her.

Sometimes older people dig their heels in and perhaps she just doesn't want you moving back to help her because it makes her feel old.
If moving back is not something your family want to do (sounds like it isn't) and it's not something she's actively looking for you to do then drop the plan.
I'd just tell her per PP, that you heard her chatting to dsis and she's probably right. Better to stay where you are

I think you must tell your mother calmly what you heard, and ask her to explain to you in more detail why she said it. And then you must tell her how it has made you feel, especially given the help that you have tried to give for several years, and that you now definitely won't be moving, and what she wants the basis of your relationship to be going forward.

It's a horrible thing to have overheard, but please don't brush it under the carpet. Perhaps she was telling your sister what she thinks she wants to hear, perhaps she feels (unfairly but not uncommonly) infantilised by your ministrations, or perhaps you are slightly more overbearing than you think? There are clearly some things going on that you're not aware of, and ultimately it's better to know and come to terms with these things, particularly since your mother is probably quite close to the end of her life. Take the chance to have these conversations while you can, even if they are painful - there is hope of a better understanding between the two of you if you do.
.

The dynamic isn’t great between us. Sister is older and always the ‘sensible’ one. She has been appointed my DM executor, she advises her on financial matters etc & calls once or twice a week, visits once a year.

She’s quite standoffish and difficult to read, she keeps her cards close to her chest while I have always been very open and sociable.

It won't be such a mystery if you follow the advice of many, and tell your Mum what you heard her say.
Actually have a conversation with her.