Overheard my mother talking to my sister

[Thegreengreengrassofhomes]

Currently staying with DM (93). I have been living abroad for 12 years but we have been thinking about moving back home to be closer to DM & have been looking into schools etc for DC (aged 9 and 10). DM is very independent but we have been visiting regularly since covid (long-haul flight away) and I’ve been helping with lots of things which have enabled her to stay safe & independent.

My sister and I have never been close. Sister has a high-powered job, also lives abroad but can’t visit DM as often or move home to help her due to her work. DH & I can continue to do our jobs in either place, so things are easier for us in that sense.

Since I first mentioned the idea of moving back a few months ago, DM hasn’t seemed very enthusiastic. I have asked her about this and she said she was worried about my dc’s education. The school systems in both countries are fairly similar and dc would be attending good private schools either way, so this didn’t make much sense to me.

I’ve just overheard DM on the phone to my sister, talking about me as though I were an inconvenient house guest (I have spent the week helping her with all sorts of quite serious practical things). She then started to discuss my planned move in a very disparaging, negative way. She mentioned that it was a bad idea but that unfortunately she “wouldn’t have any say in the matter.” At that point I went out into the garden to compose myself!

I’ve always found that my DM has a habit of telling people what she thinks they want to hear, so I’m rather curious why she was saying these things to my sister.

Had she been as frank with me, I would have dismissed the idea of moving. I was becoming resigned to it and DH/DC were starting to talk about with more enthusiasm but we are actually much happier where we are and certainly not bothered if the move doesn’t happen.

The whole idea was just about helping my DM. I am DM’s primary POA if anything happens to her, and I felt that she would be able to stay independent for longer if I were nearby.

Just wondering if anyone can offer any words of wisdom as I’m feeling quite hurt and confused.

This is really good advice. Even if your mum isn’t good at having direct conversations, you can start one and know that you’re not game playing.

The other thing to consider is she is 93. Lots of people at this age are not entirely rational and in spite of how they appear, can feel very vulnerable. She was thoughtless and inconsiderate with her comments but they weren’t completely off the scale. The years that you have with your mum r probably now in single figures. Try and have as much humility as u can in order to maintain a relationship whilst also protecting yourself.

wishing you well ❤️

I'd agree with this approach. Don't confront your dm about the convo.

My dad (now passed away) said such horrible things about me to other people but I never once confronted him. He did not say it to my face so as far as I am concerned it is as if he never said it. He was perfectly civil and happy for me to be there visiting. But I would also leave after a week or so to give him back his life and routines.

The older my parents get, the more they revert into an almost second childhood. The 'faux breezy' resonates with me. It is no longer about me (or my relationship with my parent) but just managing a situation. Almost like dealing with toddlers.

If your dm does not want your family living with her, then don't make the move. You don't have to change anything until change is forced on people and then they - I mean not just your dm but your dsis - will accept it. Otherwise you become the bad guy and take the flack if things goes wrong.

You can continue to visit your dm and do as much or as little of her life admin as you want at your convenience. I find old folks take you for granted and forget the amount of effort that goes into sorting out their life admin and household.

Consider the worst case scenario. If you can manage it, then take a reactive approach. Don't bother with proactive, like you are doing now. Say she falls and has to be hospitalised. Ok, can you fly over asap? Can you have someone check in on her regularly to be the early warning. When she is discharged and needs nursing care, can you and your sis arrange in home care or look at care homes.

You can start doing all this research now whilst you are there. Discreetly from your hotel

Older people tend to dismiss and underplay that they are getting less able to carry out their normal daily life.
Your mother might simply be displaying older age.

Instigate a frank discussion, just you and her. Talk about the things she finds difficult, how she plans to cope and whether you are useful or not. It might be that you should move back but not live with her - maintain independence. It might be that she want to go to a care home. Also speak separately to your sister and discuss the over heard conversation.

There will be a course of action that will suit you and will be good enough for your mother and sister.

Maybe she thinks you are treating her like a child? Did you ask her if she needed your help?

Did you just decide she needed more help so started more visits.

No matter how much you elp it is difficult to have someone in your home.

It's a bit like when councils put baket ball courts in deprived areas without asking the residents what they want? What would be useful?Do you even know how to play basket ball?

And it is set up for adult men not children of women.

Then the council wonders why the place has been vandalised.

I would be inclined to decide to stay put.

However, as much as your mum might think she doesn't need help close by, unless she dies quite suddenly, there is a high likelihood that there will be a period where she needs care. And that is not always easy to manage from afar, and even with good paid help there will likely be things that need to be managed by a family member.

So I would say that you need to have a realistic conversation about this with your sister. Ideally with your mum also, if she is capable of having that discussion.

@Thegreengreengrassofhomes
My elderly neighbour 92 when she died was also determined that NO ONE was to have a key to her door...despite her daughter living an hour away.

This was very inconvenient when neighbour had a fall, and meant she couldn't be helped quickly either.

But what could anyone do?

Sounds like your mum may be cut of similar cloth.

My neighbour had a mortal dread of going to live with her daughter - she wanted her independence til the very last.

Get carers in for your mum? With a large house and garden sounds like money isn't an issue at least.

I know this is too late for your neighbour but might be relevant to the OP a key safe is useful for this.

You were only trying to be helpful and thoughtful, which is great. I would feel hurt too on overhearing the things DM said. My mother who is 91 gets a lot of help from family to stay in her own home and sometimes she is rude and ungrateful about it. She also has a bit of dementia and doesn't realise if she didn't have this help she wouldn't be able to live safely alone at home. Perhaps have a chat with her about what you heard and why you were suggesting the move, to be nearer her. If she says her piece to you at least you know and you can do what you need to do.

Refusing to acknowledge that you need help or that you are actually getting help is not “pride”.
it is pure “vanity”!

Somebody said upthread that maybe overhearing this conversation is a blessing. The more I think about it, it seems absurd to uproot your happy family of four people so that a 92 year old can stay in their own home for longer.

I know you wanted to do it because it felt like the right thing to do, but I'm glad you're not going to now.

I live an hour away from my elderly DPs and still have the same worries about what's going to happen when they are too frail to live independently. In some ways being relatively close is good - I can visit frequently and assess how they are - but it doesn't mean they take my advice- DM has had a telephone number of a cleaner for months now but refuses to phone her.

People say it's like they revert to toddlers, but in some ways it's more like teens. They aren't fully independent and do need your support, but you have to try to respect the independence they do have and to some extent let them get on with it, unless they are asking or definitely need something.

I would just resign yourself to some last minute trips over the next few years, the fact you can work anywhere is a blessing.

This is a brilliant answer. Very well explained.

My sister also lives abroad

Thanks, and thank you for successfully interpreting the typo - sorry about that!

She has a (slightly younger) friend nearby who has a key. This friend has been very helpful to her several times, but DM seems quite ungrateful & almost resentful of her at times.

As a general rule, DM much prefers to be the one dispensing the help than the one receiving it- even at her age. The only areas where she is happy to accept assistance or advice are those which were previously my father’s responsibility- so financial advice (from sister) or help with the garden, car etc. I’m

I would cut her some slack , she is 93 , however fit and independent she is atm it literally can change overnight , one nasty virus , one fall, so don't take it personally that an independent elderly mum doesn't realise just how vulnerable and frail she really is or doesn't want to admit to it . If you stay put make sure you have a plan in place should you need to , carers , meals delivered , cleaners , a fall alarm etc and yes she will probably object to every single one .