Just had very upsetting phone call from my mother, 92

[LindorDoubleChoc]

😥

She's been in hospital recently (I went to visit when she was in) but now back in her care home. Her mobility is getting worse to the point where she now needs help to get to the toilet, which I understand is the final indignity.

But she just rang me (I'm at work) to tell me that she hates everything and she wishes she wasn't here any more. What am I supposed to do with that? I got upset and a bit angry and said "how do you think that makes me feel Mum? please don't say things like that to me!" then we both cried.

Of course I feel awful now. I know that ageing is a brutal process, I have witnessed it first hand and been as supportive as I know how to be. But it's so stressful and depressing to hear a loved one talking like this. She feels (and always has) able to tell me this sort of stuff and I've been hearing it for years. Just when she needs comfort the most I've been horrible!

I feel SO DOWN but also terribly guilty now. And I've got a busy afternoon of work ahead and I'm crying like a loon. I'll have to ring her back, what can I say?

Can you arrange to meet her over the weekend, give her something to look forward to.

i do understand why she’s upset, getting old is horrid, but having something to look forward to really helps.

I agree with @Grumpynan If you can go and see her soon that would perk up her spirits.

Nothing you can do about the earlier upset apart from maybe agree you both got emotional for your own reasons. Very old age is a series of losses all too often. You're still there for her so that's a positive!

It might perk up her spirits, I don't know. I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself in all this ... because what about my spirits? t's not easy to visit as she's 2.5 hours drive away so it's 5 hours driving in a day. I last did it about 10 days ago. I could do without it again. I'm actually feeling a bit incapable of doing that atm anyway, the stress of it all. I'll have to call back when I'm a bit calmer.

I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself in all this ... because what about my spirits?

Seriously? Your 92-year-old DM has just been in hospital, has largely lost her mobility and now has to be helped to the toilet (an experience that I would imagine is utterly degrading for anyone with all their mental faculties, which she appears to still have), and when she expressed to you how fed up she is and that wishes it would all end you feel sorry for yourself? How about a bit of empathy for your DM? I'm not saying you have to drive 5 hours to see her, but try putting yourself in her shoes, rather than focusing on yourself.

Don't you think it's awful to hear a loved one wishing they were dead? Of course it's worse for the loved one. IDK, I doubt I'd ever ring one of my children and tell them I'd rather not be alive, what can they do? Perhaps I will if I ever reach 92.

My very elderly mother has been saying similar things for some time. In her position I would feel the same as her. It is making me wonder about the case for euthanasia.
All you can do is sympathise with their predicament. I know it's hard but try not to make it about your feelings.

It's hard for both of you. It's easy to say have some empathy but if you have been doing this for a long time it gets tough especially when there is nothing you can really do to solve the real problem.

With kindness, as I am in a similar situation, no I don’t think it’s awful to hear an elderly parent say they wish they were dead. Living with a loss of dignity, control and autonomy sounds (and looks from where I am sitting) bloody awful.

My elderly and terminally ill 86 year old parent has said they want ‘this to be over’ on numerous occasions. I’ve told them I completely understand. I want it to be over for them too. I feel for you but feel for your mother more.

But she just rang me (I'm at work) to tell me that she hates everything and she wishes she wasn't here any more. What am I supposed to do with that? I got upset and a bit angry and said "how do you think that makes me feel Mum? please don't say things like that to me!" then we both cried.

You need to change your mindset on this to help you deal with it properly. You can't stop your mum from saying it, and it's very common amongst her age group, but you can take it with the pinch of salt it deserves. It's important to remember that she's probably not suicidal, just knackered and frustrated with all the stuff that comes with aging and ill health. There's little you can do about the circumstances unfortunately.

So, when my MIL started saying it, she was around 94 and in good health. She just used to say she was tired of it all and had had enough, hoped she didn't live much longer. I used to just acknowledge it 'yeah it sucks being old right' then 'what are you having for dinner tonight' or something equally banal 'did you see that thing on telly last night' etc etc. change the subject, tell her stories about people she knows, or even ones she doesn't, something funny or annoying that happened at work, and so on.

It's tough and hard not to dwell on it, but the reality is 'when' she is going to die, not 'if'. You getting depressed about her words and crying won't help either of you. Acknowledge and move on is the best option for you both at this point whilst you are so far away. Let her know when you can visit to give her something to look forward to if you can and keep in touch with phone calls about nothing or send her something small in the post, or flowers, or whatever it is she likes (MIL especially liked Kit Kats so I'd send her a few).

It's hard to come to terms with your parents aging, good luck.

It's not great, I agree, but you're probably the only person your DM feels she can express herself to. I remember my grandma saying this when she was old and unwell - she was fed up, all her friends were dead, her husband was dead - she was really lonely and just being honest about how she felt. One day, if we make it to extreme old age, this may be us. I think I'd feel the same tbh and might want to express that to my nearest and dearest, not to upset them, but just to say what's on my mind.

Does your mum do WhatsApp, Zoom, or FaceTime?
Maybe someone could help her get one of those set up? Then you could do video calling.

I get where you're coming from @LindorDoubleChoc It's mentally and physically exhausting. It's the cumulative effect of the worry, driving long distances, always being on the alert for the next, inevitable, thing. And you don't feel appreciated I guess.

I've been there and it does wear you down, especially if you've had a good relationship which then changes because of circumstances. Can you travel by train occasionally? I used to do that sometimes which was a relief ( my mum was in a nursing home 3 hours drive away). I felt permanently guilty that she was so far away but she had complex needs and the care was really good. V long story.

Take some time for yourself. You're allowed to feel all the things you're feeling but you obviously care and that says more about you than a bit of a tiff with your mum

OP I think it's really important to reframe this however hard it is.

I have a prematurely dead parent who went through a terminal illness, and another living with both that loss and serious disabilities that are racking up as time goes on, who fortunately is actually very positive a lot of the time but still touches on this subject sometimes and wouldn't be unhappy to just not to wake up in the morning and (in a very abstract non-religious way) be reunited with the other parent now. They do make the most of being here and enjoying life and friends and grandchildren in the meantime but I wouldn't have been surprised if they hadn't been saying things like your mother a lot more by now. It wouldn't be unreasonable.

I also heard from one of my grandparents quite a bit that they thought they'd been here long enough now and thought that now their sight and hearing and mobility was stopping them doing most of what they enjoyed that not being here would be all right (put in less kind terms that than). I was a teenager then and had a sense even then that "oh don't talk like that" or getting too upset wasn't the right thing to do. Maybe that is why she felt like she could talk to me - we had a good relationship.

I think it's important to allow older people their agency and not expect them to save your feelings - and then deal with how you feel about it yourself with friends, a partner, or a counsellor.

BUT I also understand OP that's it's really hard and that getting upset or cross with her will happen as you are only human, I'd just apologise, don't be excessively effusive in that direction just a normal apology "sorry Mum that upset me but I understand that..." and then find some positives and something to do and look forward to. This is one of the times where 'be kind' to her and 'be kind' to yourself is the right use of 'be kind'. Be kind, and keep busy.

My own parent likes to try new foods, TV programmes, music, shows, outings as well as the familiar (within the range of things they tend to like pushing the boundaries just a little bit) and have help to keep in touch with the wider family and friends and help with the crossword and help to have little parties and help with the computer and making sure they are caught up with the news. Would any of those work with your mother OP to make things brighter? And is there any equipment that you can get through the GP/occupational health or privately, easier clothing in a style she likes, anything that the nursing home can't provide, to make the indignities she is feeling to be lessened a little?

My mother said this all the time and meant it. I said I want going to jail no matter how many times she asked me...

@nokidshere that's how I deal with those kinds of situations- I think it sucks now at 61 far more than I ever did- so I totally empathise

I don't know what I would say. If I were your mum, I wish I can kill myself. I am completely pro euthanasia.

But as I child, I know why you are frustrated too. You can't do anything to help your mum, and you can't say anything to make her feel b etter.

No, not really. I think it is very understandable. Just say you understand, although it makes you sad. I disagree, you will probably feel exactly the same at the same age. It is not unusual, honestly. She has reached a fantastic age, she isn't really "well" anymore, she is relying on others, all her friends have probably died, she can't do anything on her own anymore, she has no autonomy.

I am not 92 but have had various life changing injuries this year which have resulted in me becoming disabled. I made a very similar phone call to my OH at work, which I accept was poor timing but also sometimes, you feel so alone and desperate. I am sure that is how your mother feels. FWIW, I still don't want to be here any more. But it does help to reach out to your loved ones.

Understand. It's hard to hear. How about sending your mum some flowers with a lovely message in a card? Maybe an amusing card to make her smile ?

What your mother is saying is entirely reasonable and is not intended to upset you. She has made an assessment of her circumstances and recognises that she is nearing the end of her life and she is ready to come to an end of her suffering.

She needs you to recognise that, to take it on board and to acknowledge her feelings - which are sensible and valid.

I know it is hard, but your role is to take what she says seriously and give her the respect that her views deserve. "I am sorry that you feel like this Mum. I can understand how hard it must be. Is there anything that we can do to make things any easier?"

I am sorry to be blunt here, but what you did was to make it all about YOU..... about how it made you feel. You asked her how she thought that felt for you, when is it HER who has the problem.

I have been there with my late OH who had a degenerative neurological illness. I listened to how he felt and respected his wishes. I did not ask him to take on board my feelings when he was in extremis and suffering. I asked what I could do for him. So I do know how hard it is to respond in the right way, how much emotional energy and self-control it needs. I did not ask him how he thought this made me feel; I asked how we could ease his suffering. But I think you must dig deep and find this - you owe it to her.

I think a huge number of people at 92 are completely ready to die - and a lot of younger folk too. It is completely normal for someone to express these thoughts, and it's very valuable for all of us to have sensible conversations about death. Maybe the mother in this scenario just needs someone to listen to her and accept what she is saying?

She's ill and losing independence and dignity. I totally get where she's coming from. Just tell her you understand. Cry and vent to someone else if needed. It's not fair being angry with her. How much quality of life do you think she has?

Could you see if she could move to a home closer to you? 2.5 hours away is too far. If she was round the corner you could visit her far more often.

She is probably incredibly lonely, she has lost her friends, most of her family, her health, independence and dignity along with her home. What has she got to look forward to ?
I am a great believer of being able to use your voice and speak honestly and openly even if it does make it uncomfortable for the receiver.
I totally get why she feels as she does.
She is looking for understanding, to make her feel less isolated.
Where is your empathy?

Must be hard to hear, but quite honestly you come across a bit self absorbed.

Time to change your mind set, call her and apologise and encourage her to continue to open up and talk (no matter how hard it is to hear)!

Sometimes you just need to pull your self together and put the other persons feelings first.