Just had very upsetting phone call from my mother, 92

[LindorDoubleChoc]

😥

She's been in hospital recently (I went to visit when she was in) but now back in her care home. Her mobility is getting worse to the point where she now needs help to get to the toilet, which I understand is the final indignity.

But she just rang me (I'm at work) to tell me that she hates everything and she wishes she wasn't here any more. What am I supposed to do with that? I got upset and a bit angry and said "how do you think that makes me feel Mum? please don't say things like that to me!" then we both cried.

Of course I feel awful now. I know that ageing is a brutal process, I have witnessed it first hand and been as supportive as I know how to be. But it's so stressful and depressing to hear a loved one talking like this. She feels (and always has) able to tell me this sort of stuff and I've been hearing it for years. Just when she needs comfort the most I've been horrible!

I feel SO DOWN but also terribly guilty now. And I've got a busy afternoon of work ahead and I'm crying like a loon. I'll have to ring her back, what can I say?

I get why this is upsetting to hear OP. My Mum was 60 when she died, and in the last few months of her illness, she'd had enough. She hated the pain, she hated the uncertainty, she hated the fact she needed so much help, the lack of independence. She hated the fact she was a burden on those she loved.

Some days, she hated the fact she was still alive. Some days, she saw it as a blessing, she got to spend time with me, her grandkids etc, some days she had new experiences, enjoyed being alive. But some days were shit.

On the shit days, I got the phone call. She needed to vent, and I was the stoic one. She had to tell someone, and who was she going to tell aside from my stepdad, my brother, me or her best friends.

She judged me the best able to cope with that, and I probably was, but by god it was hard. But I wouldn't have given it up, because this was how I could help. I couldn't take away her pain, or frustration, or fear, but I could listen. And when it threatened my mental health, I spread it outwards, I vented to my DP, or my friends.

@LindorDoubleChoc Your mother is telling you this because she needs to. Its a horrible, terrible honour that she feels she can tell you this stuff. See it for what it is, and then do what you need to to cope.

@LindorDoubleChoc

I'm so sorry for you & your lovely mum 💔

It's completely understandable you'd have this reaction - she's your mum and you love her.

Hope you're doing a little better now.

My father had terminal cancer, i was part carer. He said he was ready..i didn't say dont say that dad, i said 'i know dad'.. he was up and about ..getting older and in pain. He said he didn't want to take chemo pills anymore, i said if you don't want to take them dad don't take them...my sister was another story, she bollocked him...i whispered...do what you want to do. He had to have the autonomy to his own feelings and actions. He stopped taking them, was happier but still had had enough. He passed in his sleep about 2 week later. I spoke on phone everyday, just a quick call if i was or wasnt going down. Just try to ring mum...it breaks the loneliness..

@LindorDoubleChoc you are allowed to feel like this, it’s ok! You are not a bad daughter and it’s not that you don’t care. It’s really hard.

Do you think that it might help to come up with a script. Let her talk, listen but have a script. Nothing you say can change how you feel or how she feels but being prepared could help you.
Something like, ‘I understand, I’m listening and I love you. These are the things that I love about you…’ . Then when you are off of the phone give yourself five minutes to breathe and take stock.

When your Dh is away do you have any support?

Please don’t be that relative that is in complete denial that old people die . I had a relative a few months ago who demanded that I called an ambulance for her dying mother who was 95 !I didn’t ! Everyone dies and at 92 your Mum should be able to express her frustration at losing her dignity and wanting to die ,without being told off .

My gran died when she was 94 and from the age of 81 would tell us she had enough, she wished she hadn't woken up that day and had just died.

She was sick of the frailty, the chronic pain, the lack of independence and just living.

If she was a younger person who had gone through the trauma of hospitalisation and then loss of mobility, independence etc she would probably have access to some talking therapy yet we jolly along our older people and minimise their feelings, because it makes us uncomfortable.

However, I am suffering from a terminal illness and try very hard not to offload my feelings on to my loved ones because, like you OP, it would be upsetting and overwhelming for them, so I prefer to speak to strangers about how I am feeling.

Is your mum religious? If so perhaps a visit from someone from a local church might help her. If not, what mental health support does her care home provide?

You can pm me if you ever need to chat @TwigTheWonderKid ♥️

Both of my now gone grandparents were saying that also. Why do you demand they suppress this thought. It gives them some release in a hopeless situation. You have completely unrealistic expectations of your mum. You are more comfortable than her and younger, so you have to muster up more empathy towards her.

My Mum has had a DNR in place for years. She hasn't been resuscitated at all - just treated in hospital for infections or anaemia. The care home she's living in wouldn't leave her to be overcome by an infection - would that be ethical? She's unhappy because she can't stand or move easily, but neither or those conditions are life threatening. My father has made it clear he doesn’t wish to be taken to hospital again. Your mother has capacity. She is allowed to refuse treatment.

I would welcome any suggestions you have as to how I can help my Mum regain her mobility? You can’t, as both and she know. But you can see if you can add some twinkles of light to her life, even something as simple as a weekly letter, so she has something to hold on to after the phone call finishes.

That’s a tough call! I’ve called an ambulance for my 96 year old Dad. How do you tell the difference between “is dying” and “very ill but will recover with good medical attention “? (My father wishes to live as long as medicine will allow him, my mother, on the other hand, asked me 35 years ago “what do I have to live for?” and died 3months later)

I love the idea of regular letters and phone calls. Get all family to write letter in turns xx

Caring is hard 💐

You need support too, can you talk honestly to those who are close to your Mum, perhaps the time has come to coordinate your collective efforts more closely.

My DGF used to say this a lot. He lived at home with poor old Duncle who basically sacrificed his life to look after him and had frequent visitors from nearby relatives.

One of the reasons you may be upset OP, is because you already feel you are doing as much as you possibly can, so don't feel you have to take on the burden of doing more right now.

Also - and I'm not sure how to say this without sounding a bit harsh - it doesn't necessarily mean that your DM has little time to go. DGF was like this for years and passed away aged 99. Therefore I would be very wary of pretzeling yourself into working up there or trying to travel more frequently than you can sustainably manage.

Maybe mention it to the care home staff and see if there is any additional support that can be provided.

My mum used to say this to me (not either of my sisters) a few years ago - then she had a stroke and was begging the hospital not to let her die!! She has done the 'oh I wish I was dead' thing a few times to me and I respond with 'if that's how you feel then I'm really sad but its your choice' whereas my sister does was you did @LindorDoubleChoc and tells her its selfish and that she still needs her mum and isn't ready for her to die yet. I think mum says it to get the response that my sister gives as she needs to hear those words but then she moans to me that its too much for her to be needed by my sister!

Just to reiterate (I mentioned it earlier) that we did have another phone call later in the day and smoothed things over.

I don't want her to carry on living when she's unhappy (if she really means it of course) but there is nothing I can do about how long it's going to go on for. Strangely, a thread from a few months ago with the title "Does Your Mother Dump On You Emotionally" or something like that was bumped up this morning and I re-read my post on that about my mother's life-long habit of using me as her unofficial unpaid therapist since I was 10 (when my parents divorced). So the off-loading onto me is absolutely not a new thing and it's not a question of mustering my resources in her hour of need. It is 50+ years of feeling unsupported and drained by her.

So, no of course I'm not "that relative who is in denial that old people die" and nor am I trying to persuade her to try to stay alive! I just would like some respite from the emotional burden.

If that makes me a horrible old baggage, sobeit.

I think you need to put her feelings well above your own, really. I know it's hard.

Read your update - ah, OK. So it's more about your previous relationship rather than right now. That's hard, even though in this specific context on the face of it she's not unreasonable to share her feelings.

I just would like some respite from the emotional burden.

I know exactly how you feel. It's absolutely draining.

"Does Your Mother Dump On You Emotionally" or something like that was bumped up this morning and I re-read my post on that about my mother's life-long habit of using me as her unofficial unpaid therapist since I was 10 (when my parents divorced). So the off-loading onto me is absolutely not a new thing and it's not a question of mustering my resources in her hour of need. It is 50+ years of feeling unsupported and drained by her.

My mother dumped on me after my parents' divorce, even to the extent of her imagining she would die soon (she was 55 at the time). I had to set some boundaries.

Now, she is deep in dementia - very content, but like a child, totally. I'm fortunate that she still recognises me, but who knows how long that will persist?

So don't wish your mother away ...

OP's apparent incapacity or unwillingness to center her mother in what she is going through is wrong, and it is the precise meaning of childish.

But OP is exactly that, her child, and has been deeply hurt and put on the spot at work with a rather alarming statement on the phone that may also walk the line of being a warning. Can people really just box up the lifetime of the mother-child dynamic on demand, to become Mary Poppins, feel calm and capable and make everything ok enough not to worry?

As well as care of others, and guilt about it perhaps, the OP needs a job, needs to be able to withstand a lot of stress (probably not very easy through the recent hospitalisation period either), is visiting, and needs to manage energy and how to do this. Overriding all that regularly can ultimately only last so long without consequences that would spread the distress and depression around. Your feelings, OP, do matter, and I am sorry these calls have been made to you. Please get some counselling, even short term. It is not an answer but it can be a support and a clarifier.

OP's apparent incapacity or unwillingness to center her mother in what she is going through is wrong, and it is the precise meaning of childish.

ODFOD. One thing I struggled to communicate to ANYONE when going through this with my mum was that actually, MY MUM HAS CANCER AND I'M REALLY STRUGGLING AT THE THOUGHT OF LOSING HER.

OP has all the pressures of her own life AS WELL AS a dying mum, and is additionally expected to take on the weight of her mother's distress. There is a discrete switch to the parrnt/child relationship when our parents age and become less able, but we are all allowed to switch to 'child' mode, especially when our actual parent is poorly and unable to give that support that our 'child' craves.

I would also say that swapping to an Adult Child dynamic with the parent as the child seems to throw up lots of memories of how one was parented as a DC.

It's hard to react with compassion on the spot when you're thrown into that dynamic.

It's easier in some ways if the DP has been overtly bad as a parent, but in those situations where the DP was "good enough "there's a lot of emotions swirling just under the surface.

Definitely this.

So sick of all the entitled self absorbed moaning adult children.

They expect to be able to moan to a parent about every little thing but are pretty much told to stfu if the parent has any negative feelings at all.

And the moaning sulking adult kids wonder why the parent starts avoiding them and ends up cutting them out of their wills.

I think it's awful that she thinks it's OK to dump this on you.
She's 92. She's had her life. She's had a lot longer than a lot of people.
You have a lot of living left with any luck and she shouldn't burden you with this.
I can't abide the crap of oh She's your mother oh She's 92 so she gets to fuck with your head and drain the life out of you till the end.
She's your mother. She's 92. She's had her turn. Offloading on you is selfish and it sounds like she has been trauma dumping on you a long time.
It's OK to be sad She's dying. Its also OK to absolutely worn out from her.
You are a person too and you matter.