Just had very upsetting phone call from my mother, 92

[LindorDoubleChoc]

😥

She's been in hospital recently (I went to visit when she was in) but now back in her care home. Her mobility is getting worse to the point where she now needs help to get to the toilet, which I understand is the final indignity.

But she just rang me (I'm at work) to tell me that she hates everything and she wishes she wasn't here any more. What am I supposed to do with that? I got upset and a bit angry and said "how do you think that makes me feel Mum? please don't say things like that to me!" then we both cried.

Of course I feel awful now. I know that ageing is a brutal process, I have witnessed it first hand and been as supportive as I know how to be. But it's so stressful and depressing to hear a loved one talking like this. She feels (and always has) able to tell me this sort of stuff and I've been hearing it for years. Just when she needs comfort the most I've been horrible!

I feel SO DOWN but also terribly guilty now. And I've got a busy afternoon of work ahead and I'm crying like a loon. I'll have to ring her back, what can I say?

It’s the last act you can do for your mother to be there for her in her hour of need. That’s doesn’t mean it’s easy or that you shouldn’t be able to vent. It won’t be for very long and then you’ll be without her forever. I only got my DM until she was 74. Treasure her.

Your post kind of comes across like you are more concerned about yourself.

Sounds so upsetting for everyone. I wonder if you feel afraid that saying I understand to her wish for death is almost encouraging her to end things. It isn't. Nothing you say will make it worse on that front in terms of encouraging her to give up. She's done and I absolutely understand it.

We need to let people end their lives peacefully and with dignity in this country. People are kept alive in absolute torture and it is so wrong. I hope more than anything your mum's suffering is over soon.

Maybe, if you can, just tell your mum you love her and you completely understand why she feels that way. I think that would help. She'll be surrounded by numpties no doubt telling her to stop being silly - which helps absolutely no one.

FFS what a shitty response. Why did you bother replying? Someone has asked for help and you are judging from sort of moral high ground. Jesus Christ…

Both women are in a painful situation, both have lost so much, and both deserve empathy.

OP, do go on the Cockroach Cafe thread. You’ll find people on there who are going through what you are and who will understand your reactions. I was sorry to read a number of responses to you that didn’t really get it and weren’t helpful.

I'm sorry but I could never be so hard about my mum. If my mum said that to me, I would drive for 20 hours if need be, to give her a cuddle and take her home with me.
Please validate her feelings 🥺

You had a nice mum I'm guessing?

To whom else can your mother say these things? There are times one feel so bad one has to say aloud just how one feels. Your kindest response is to listen, to let her speak, to say you understand, even if you don't. A care home or a geriatric ward can be the loneliest place.

@SweatyyBettyy. Sorry but this is ridiculous. I can't take my Mum "home with me". I live in a house with 4 flights of stairs and no downstairs bathroom. You are posting without even thinking for a second.

Quite apart from that, she wouldn't want to come home with me. She likes her care home - she chose it! She's spending £1500 per week on it. She sees people all day, they do all her laundry, cooking, personal care and it's warm, has a library and a garden and people around all the time. If she lived in my house she would be cold and lonely because I'm out at work most of the time. Please try and put some thoughts together in your head before you post emotive rubbish.

My sibling, her friends, the people in the care home? She only says these things to me - IDK why.

Just so you know you / she can say she doesn’t want to have hospital treatment. My mum had dementia- was bed bound for 2 years (couldn’t speak, couldn’t feed herself etc). Was horrific. Alongside DNR there was something that stated she would only receive care in care home and should not be taken to hospital. She got pneumonia- this could have been managed with pain killers in the home and would have been her “natural” way to die. Unfortunately an on shift nurse was on call and rang for ambulance. The doctor at hospital was apologetic but said as she was now in their care they had to treat her. She responded to antibiotics and was with us for another bed bound / zero existence 6 months.

It’s just such a horrible depressing feeling way to live at the end of your life. It’s mad how she has no control over whether she exists or dies.

In meantime you have to just be the sounded board. Wouldn’t you want to die in this situation?

My dad had cancer and got a really bad infection - at the end of being in hospital for a week being pumped with antibiotics he said to me that “he had enough and wanted to go”. Was horrific for us (was only 73) but he had made his choice. Doctors removed all treatment and I held his hand for 16 hours until he died. I didn’t tell him off for saying h wanted to die. I understood it completely. Miss him everyday but he went on his terms

@LindorDoubleChoc She tells you because she trusts you to understand, maybe. Care home assistants may well be kind and thoughtful but they are not her family, not blood-kin. Maybe she couldn't bear keeping it to herself any longer and you were the first person who came to her mind. Her friends are probably her peers who would find her situation too close to home. If you could say to her, yes, it's a difficult time, it might ease her a little. I nursed my DH to the very end and my acceptance of his position calmed him a lot.

@LindorDoubleChoc sending solidarity. My dm offloads everything on to me - she is 81 now and has been unwell since mid 50's. I love her very much but she exhausts me so I think I can understand the stress you feel.

This is how I felt when my mother said similar, and that she had wasted her life. It IS very difficult to hear, but try to imagine how the person saying they want it to end feels.

Not an unusual conversation to have with someone who’s feeling elderly. Have a weep with them, or suggest ingenious methods. Or something else. Whatever you feel will cheer that particular individual up.

Can’t you have her to stay every other weekend? That’s what I do with my mother and she loves it. Treat her as you’d like your kids to treat you.

Can you face time her or provide her with a tablet/phone so you can visit but also video call her in future? I've seen first hand several times the want of an elder no longer wanting to be here as they feel they're dignity is being stripped away. Have you asked if she is being looked after okay? Have you spoke to the care home? Check everything is in order care wise?

My grandma said the same. Anti depressants helped wonders!

She’s 92 and been through a heck of a lot. She no longer lives in her own home surrounded by her possessions and everything she worked hard to achieve. To need assistance in toiletting was probably the final insult. A dear colleague of mine, her mother is in a care home and says the same. She’s just existing and waiting to go. She’s had to sell everything she has to fund her care in a place she doesn’t want to be whilst Doris in the next room gets it for free because she didn’t work or own her own home. She’s got nothing to leave to her family which upsets her and all she has is a suitcase of photos. She’s stopped eating and literally cannot be bothered to be here and you know what, wouldn’t wish that on anybody. It must be bloody miserable and is a horrible way to spend the last years of your life. I get it and I hope I’m long gone before any of that.
Your mum will be feeling so lonely, all you can do is reach out and be there as much as you can. At this point, it’s not about you, it’s about making your mums last few years more bearable.

I massively identify with this. After months of daily suicidal threats, I told my daughter some home truths.

I've never regretted anything so much. But I just reached overwhelm with the emotion and stress of having to always come up with the right thing to say.

It's really hard to come up with anything when someone confronts you with that.

You eventually feel like a broken record "you won't always feel like this" or "you have to keep going".

The occasional lapse in tact is a sign of carer fatigue rather than heartlessnes.

The OP has clarified that the care in the home is really excellent.

My nana used to say it all the time when she got into her nineties. She was worn out with arthritis, her sight was neatly gone and she had lost all her peers. I just sympathized with her. She needed to offload and listening to her was the least I could do.

I agree. It really is quite common for older people to say this. All she wants is a sympathetic ear really, it's not as though you can do anything. Maybe send her some flowers or a card to perk her up a bit. Try not to stess about it, she isn't expecting you to do anything other than listen and try to understand her point of view.