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Elderly parents
Original poster

Just had very upsetting phone call from my mother, 92

226 replies

LindorDoubleChoc · 21/11/2023 14:13

😥

She's been in hospital recently (I went to visit when she was in) but now back in her care home. Her mobility is getting worse to the point where she now needs help to get to the toilet, which I understand is the final indignity.

But she just rang me (I'm at work) to tell me that she hates everything and she wishes she wasn't here any more. What am I supposed to do with that? I got upset and a bit angry and said "how do you think that makes me feel Mum? please don't say things like that to me!" then we both cried.

Of course I feel awful now. I know that ageing is a brutal process, I have witnessed it first hand and been as supportive as I know how to be. But it's so stressful and depressing to hear a loved one talking like this. She feels (and always has) able to tell me this sort of stuff and I've been hearing it for years. Just when she needs comfort the most I've been horrible!

I feel SO DOWN but also terribly guilty now. And I've got a busy afternoon of work ahead and I'm crying like a loon. I'll have to ring her back, what can I say?

OP posts:
KnickerlessParsons · 21/11/2023 17:35

Redburnett · 21/11/2023 14:43

My very elderly mother has been saying similar things for some time. In her position I would feel the same as her. It is making me wonder about the case for euthanasia.
All you can do is sympathise with their predicament. I know it's hard but try not to make it about your feelings.

Mine too. She's the same age, has all her faculties and was driving until the beginning of the summer, when the optician told her to stop.
She's almost incontinent, can't always get to the loo on time and spends £££ on heavy duty Tena. Also hardly drinks because of it.
Her body is deteriorating too, and she's the ok my one of her close friends still alive, and all her relatives of the same generation have died too.
She still lives alone though.
Old age is hard.

ZipsHips · 21/11/2023 17:43

If it makes you feel uncomfortable hearing it, imagine the discomfort/emotional pain she feels inside to actually feel she no longer wants to be alive. I also feel more for your mum in this situation. At that age she’s not going to have much time left. Be the comfort she needs, you can put yourself first when she really is no longer alive. I would phone her, listen to her and then send her a care package of her favourite treats etc to make her feel worthwhile and loved.

user14699084775 · 21/11/2023 17:44

Your mum is perfectly entitled to feel that way -extreme old age has little to recommend it.
And you are perfectly entitled to feel upset about it too - caring for someone you love, even when they are in a home is draining hard work. My advice is to detach a bit, treat it like a work meeting, you unfortunately are the adult now, and have to be ‘professional’ as much as for your own wellbeing as your mothers.
This sadly, might go on for many years yet and you need a survival strategy or the whole boat is in very real danger of sinking. Best wishes OP.

madroid · 21/11/2023 17:57

If she's in a care home could you not organise a move to one nearer to you?

I feel sorry for you both. Try to take comfort in that she evidently feels close enough to you and trusts you enough to be honest with you. You have done something right!

May be call/visit when you are calmer though

WonderingAboutThus · 21/11/2023 18:02

Christ, your attitude of "but what about MY feelings" is honestly a bit shocking. Grief and troubles should be processed "outwards" away from the victim, not towards the victim. Your mum is the one struggling here. She gets to vent to you. You get to vent to your spouse/ friends/ acquaintances. You don't get to vent to her!

And yes, think about how to help her.

BlueGrey1 · 21/11/2023 18:02

That’s very sad, for both of you

Would mentioning it to the care home operators be of any help, they must have some experience of dealing with very old people feeling this way

Fo you think she is being treated well in there

Would sending her flowers / chocolates perk her up a bit

Not sure what to say really as it’s all ahead of me, my parents are a bit younger at 77 and 81

Autumnus · 21/11/2023 18:05

LindorDoubleChoc · 21/11/2023 14:41

Don't you think it's awful to hear a loved one wishing they were dead? Of course it's worse for the loved one. IDK, I doubt I'd ever ring one of my children and tell them I'd rather not be alive, what can they do? Perhaps I will if I ever reach 92.

Such self pity and lack of empathy. How can you think it's worse for you? You don't know how desperate your DM is feeling. She's a very old person who has been through the trauma of hospital and is now back to her existence in a care home where she can't even go to the bathroom by herself. How do you think you might feel in that situation? I think you need to grow up.

Itsalwaysthelasttime · 21/11/2023 18:14

My dad is 91 I was relieved (not quite the right word) when he told me he had had enough was tired and just wants to die. Thats how I want to go when I'm tired and happy for it to be over.

spuddel · 21/11/2023 18:27

I feel for you op. My grandmother is 101, lives alone at home but is now immobile and incontinent. Refusing a care home or even carers. It all falls to my 80 year old mother. Gran regularly says she is depressed and is ready to go yet she continues on. Perhaps just because medical science can lengthen lives, it doesn't necessarily follow that it should.

BlueGrey1 · 21/11/2023 18:29

@Autumnus

you are the one who should show empathy and read the post correctly.
Op, said it is of course worse for her mother but it is tough on her aswell, I agree with her and think it must be awfull to hear a loved one say that and it would be heartbreaking

SarahC50 · 21/11/2023 18:30

@Autumnus you've missed the point entirely.At least read properly before posting so sanctimously

FlipsSakeMum · 21/11/2023 18:40

There are lot of horrible posts on this thread OP. Your feelings do matter and I think it's ok that you told her that you don't want to get phone calls like that especially at work. Not want to get phone calls like that doesn't mean you are unsympathetic.
My MIL makes similar calls to my husband. She is also very old and in a care home. I think it's cruel and selfish of her. He doesn't so much for her too.
I understand that she feels scared and powerless but I don't understand why she has to continually talk to him like that.

Canisaysomething · 21/11/2023 18:41

Have you ever lost a loved one before OP? In my experience, telling your loved ones when you are ready to die is part of accepting what’s inevitable. It’s more traumatic when a loved one is on deaths door and they tell you they aren’t ready to die.

Obviously it isn’t great she phoned you at work to tell you that but you should go and see her ASAP.

HamBone · 21/11/2023 18:43

You need to change your mindset on this to help you deal with it properly. You can't stop your mum from saying it, and it's very common amongst her age group, but you can take it with the pinch of salt it deserves.

@nokidshere is right, all you can do is change your mindset as sadly it is common for very elderly people to say things like this. My Dad (85) frequently says this, especially since he lost my SM last year. I let it wash over me and don’t take it personally, he’s lonely and has health problems.

As @SoySaucePls says, we are now in the “parental” role, we need to look after them and deal with their illnesses and mood swings just as they did for us when we were small. They just don’t have the strength to think about our needs anymore.

I agree with PP’s that a visit in the near future would be good. Due to distance, I take leave to spend time with my Dad every couple of months. It works well for us.

jlpth · 21/11/2023 18:44

I have to say bluntly that I think what she said was practical and reasonable, sorry. What does she have that provides quality of life?

HamBone · 21/11/2023 18:46

Sorry, I just saw that you last visited 10 days ago. You can certainly leave it longer as it’s stressful. 💐

Lentilweaver · 21/11/2023 18:46

Poor her and poor you. I don't have any useful advice. Just solidarity.

Autumnus · 21/11/2023 18:47

SarahC50 · 21/11/2023 18:30

@Autumnus you've missed the point entirely.At least read properly before posting so sanctimously

I have read it all properly. Have you?

I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself in all this ... because what about my spirits?

It is not about her. That is THE point.

SirSamVimesCityWatch · 21/11/2023 18:51

Can get her to agree to moving to a care home closer to you? It would make things so much better for both of you if you were able to drive to her in twenty minutes instead of two hours.

BorgQueen · 21/11/2023 18:52

Why not help her to have autonomy over what happens to her?
She can fill a form in to say she wants no life saving treatments such as antibiotics for pneumonia or any unnecessary medical interventions other than to make her comfortable
If she’s had enough, tell her you understand and respect her wishes.
She probably feels powerless.

BlueGrey1 · 21/11/2023 18:58

@Autumnus

dont be stupid, this situation is awfull for both of them …she already said it was worse for her mother though

Show some empathy or keep your nasty comments to yourself

Op came on here describing a difficult situation and asking for advice / help / support …..which of those have you provided

Validus · 21/11/2023 18:59

I’ve seen this multiple times. Everyone I’ve known who gets over about 92 with their faculties intact seems to get to this point. Only known one who didn’t seem to - and it may have just been hidden from me.

Its Rough on both of you. She hates ageing and It hurts your heart to know she feels this way. 💐

unsync · 21/11/2023 19:05

I'm live in carer for my aged parent. If you want to help them, you need to suck it up and develop a thick skin. It's not about you, she obviously feels (or felt) that she could trust you with her worst feelings. Some stock phrases for these situations can be very useful. You need to be sympathetic, empathetic and reassuring.

Autumnus · 21/11/2023 19:10

BlueGrey1 · 21/11/2023 18:58

@Autumnus

dont be stupid, this situation is awfull for both of them …she already said it was worse for her mother though

Show some empathy or keep your nasty comments to yourself

Op came on here describing a difficult situation and asking for advice / help / support …..which of those have you provided

I am not being nasty. I am being honest. My mother is dead. She said similar to me. I did feel a bit shocked when she said it but I didn't show it and I wasn't angry with her. I was devastated that she felt so desperate and listening to her, showing her I understood how she felt and just holding her hand gave her some comfort. She needed a safe place to say it. It wasn't about my feelings. I had my husband to share those with. She only had me. I miss my mother terribly and I often think about things I could have handled better.

BlueGrey1 · 21/11/2023 19:14

@Autumnus

sorry for your loss, these are terribly difficult and stressful situations and I’m sure you handled it as best you could at the time

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