Just had very upsetting phone call from my mother, 92

[LindorDoubleChoc]

😥

She's been in hospital recently (I went to visit when she was in) but now back in her care home. Her mobility is getting worse to the point where she now needs help to get to the toilet, which I understand is the final indignity.

But she just rang me (I'm at work) to tell me that she hates everything and she wishes she wasn't here any more. What am I supposed to do with that? I got upset and a bit angry and said "how do you think that makes me feel Mum? please don't say things like that to me!" then we both cried.

Of course I feel awful now. I know that ageing is a brutal process, I have witnessed it first hand and been as supportive as I know how to be. But it's so stressful and depressing to hear a loved one talking like this. She feels (and always has) able to tell me this sort of stuff and I've been hearing it for years. Just when she needs comfort the most I've been horrible!

I feel SO DOWN but also terribly guilty now. And I've got a busy afternoon of work ahead and I'm crying like a loon. I'll have to ring her back, what can I say?

It is horrendous to hear a parent say those sort of things

I've heard it a number of times

Don't make it about you, though. That's crass and unkind

I like @Mischance response "I am sorry that you feel like this Mum. I can understand how hard it must be. Is there anything that we can do to make things any easier?"

It may be worth having a few kind responses to use. I get it OP you're doing the best you can to keep all the plates spinning.

I think it would help both of you if you simply rang her back and said sorry for the way you reacted.
She is obviously feeling bad for the loss of her health and independence and you are feeling guilty for not being able to see her enough whilst being too busy with life.

Could she move nearer to you so you can visit more often and the journey would be better?

My lovely nana is 92 and still living in her own home although about to move into a home. She has signed a DNR and says she is ready to die as doesn’t want to be alive anymore. Whilst it is obviously upsetting for us I do understand how she feels, loss of health and fitness, missing my grandpa, and life is tough on a day to day basis…

I'll be honest, a lot of frail elderly people will say this and more than likely mean it too.

Once you are very frail, going in and out hospital, needing help to do the most basic of things, and probably in a lot of pain, and have lived a long time it probably does feel right that life doesn't go on much longer.

After all this is old enough that your spouse, the family you grew up with and most of your friends have probably died, you have seen your children grow up and quite possibly your grandchildren as well, it may just feel like a natural next step.

Time to make sure she has a DNACPR and have a chat about what she does and doesn't want medically - does she want to go to hospital again? does she want to go to all her appointments? can her GP have a look at her medication and cut any of it down?

You are her Daughter and she needs you! I get it, i really do. Last year i was in the same position as you, hearing your last remaining parent tell you that they just want to die is heartbreaking but the only response is " i understand" You do a five hour drive every now and then, i had a 4 hour journey 3 times a week plus the cleaning, shopping and cooking, yes it was tough but it was an honour to take care of my Dad in his final years on this earth. It was bloody physically and mentally exhausting. I am an orphan now and i would do anything at all to be travelling 4 hours and holding my lovely Dads hand one last time. This is your Mums final years on earth, don't waste it.

OP I have been in your shoes and it's awful

You might get more support/advice on the (freakishly named) Cockroach Cafe thread

But advance warning, quite a few of us are...er...damaged... on there.

I have heard this many times from mum. I'm sympathetic but can't carry the burden any more so see and speak to her less and less. She'll never be happy again, but one miserable person is better than two.

It's enough to make you start praying - and I'm not religious!

I looked after dad. It wasn't an honour, it was a mistake and took a chunk out of my life. After five years of dealing with a long trek to mum, I finally had a nervous breakdown. It's a relief to step back and I'm very lucky I'm not dealing with 2 x 85 year olds.

don't damage yourself for someone who is beyond happiness.

I have wanted to die many times, in particular after a spinal injury where recovery wasn't guaranteed, but I was decent enough not to inflict that info on anyone (notable exception - a friend came to stop me offing myself in lockdown).

please do join us in the horribly named cafe. We get it 💐

I get it op. And to all those folk giving you stick for how you're feeling, OP's mum is in rapidly failing health and has told her she wants to not be around, I think we can understand that she might be feeling wobbly! (I had someone have a pop at me because my mum said similar after a cancer diagnosis - but it was my MUM - who was the centre of my world - who had cancer, I was allowed to wallow!)

Please try and understand your mums perspective op. That said, she also needs to try and understand yours too.

Being the child of an elderly ailing parent is no fun, even in the most loving relationship. Add in any sort of odd family dynamic and everyone is screwed!

It's not personal to you Op.

Perhaps it's her way of trying to reassure you that when the time comes she won't mind iyswim.

My Dad got like this.

Not quite in the words that your Mum used but more or less saying that he had had enough & life was hard work for him.

Please could you have a chat with your mother’s key worker at the care home about her, and if possible consider physiotherapy as a good point to discuss. If like my mother when she came out of three weeks in hospital, she had no strength in her legs, your mother is looking at the rest of her days managing the toilet only via hoist unless there is physiotherapy intervention.

It is very likely you would need to pay for this unless there is a resident physiotherapist. (This is by no means unheard of, as the home I planned to move mum to had one. Events overtook sadly and I was never able to move mum as she got too sick and died within a few weeks of moving to original nursing home.)

There is a difference between a care home and a nursing home, and the provision will vary accordingly.

If you did pay privately for physiotherapy, and get details of the required exercises, you can do them with your mother and perhaps other family members could too on visits and between physio sessions.

This is the sort of thing I wish I had been told when I booked mother into the local nursing home which I cannot look at any time I drove past it.

Sadly she fell through the net despite their glossy brochure and I never even knew she was meant to have a key worker until after her death and I raised many issues.

Of course it's upsetting, and none of us are saints or react well all the time.

But of course she's fed up, of course she's had enough. These big losses of dignity are horrible, on a background of life getting worse and minimal prospects of real improvement. Tbh I find 90 year old who won't talk about death the upsetting ones (I occasionally come across them).

You don't have to fix it. But I agree with the kindness above. Accept what she tells you and accept that she's sharing her burden with you. I'd agree though with trying to find something a bit more pleasant to talk about afterwards if you can, but none of us is a machine.

My DGM said the same to my DM. She was in a lot of pain from some physical health issues, but not actually "ill" or dying. She was miserable and we could all see it.

In the end whenever my DGM said it, all my Mum could do was say "I know - I'm sorry."

(In a slightly amusing story though, when in hospital my DGM got told off by a nurse for declaring constantly "I wish I was dead" and was told it was upsetting other patients, so she just started saying it in her first language instead, so no-one understood her!)

It is shit OP, I'm sorry. Old age sucks.

Can't believe anyone is giving you a hard time for reacting the way you did when you were completely unprepared for your mum to say that and obviously already feeling very stressed. You're only human and certainly not just making it all about you. The situation is obviously taking an emotional toll on you and you shouldn't be expected to shut that down and pretend otherwise.

I think the idea of sending lovely flowers if your mum would like that and a card saying how much you love her or something would be really nice - and be less stressful than a 5 hour journey.

I also agree that it would be much better if your mum could be closer, would that be possible?

I really feel sorry for your dear Mum, she is old, frightened and right at this moment she needs you. Ask yourself what do your want her final months to be?
My late Mum would often say she has had enough, she had an exceptionally difficult life. It wasn’t nice to hear but it was more that she felt she could voice her inner worries to me.
Be there for her r

Sometimes people just need to vent and be heard, not a solution. Saying 'Oh Mum I'm so sorry its all so tough at the moment' Maybe all she needs to hear.

I hope you're OK OP. End of life care is so very very challenging. I visited my DM today who is a beautiful wonderful human being but because she's in so much pain she had a go at me.

I've realised that I need to be the adult now and I can't be the child anymore. I have to allow her to let off steam in this god awful process because I'm her only source of hope and comfort.

She's been there for so many times in the past so it's the least I can do.

Doesn't mean to say these things don't hurt.

I came home and bawled for some time.

Strength and courage my friend.

My Dad tells me he wants to take his own life all the time and that I'm the main cause of it when I'm trying to help him. Try driving off from that every time you visit, he's 90. It's a thing.

Can you visit her at the weekend with a nice bunch of flowers?

Its very common in elderly people , their mobility going, having to use adult nappies as my friends mother put it and sitting in your own s*it. Imagine losing your independence like that when been active..i can't say i wouldn't think the same. Its also common with some who are disabled. I understand completely their standpoint. I get youre upset, but i think your mum just wanted a talk about it and to vent and to be sad. Ring her back, apologise and say you love her and understand why she has said that. Shes lonely and isolated from her loved ones too. Id want to end it tbh.
Ring her more often xxx

She’s reaching out . It’s hard but that’s what we do for loved ones She gave you life and was there for you( hopefully) so it’s your duty. Do you have siblings? Can you share the burden or just talk it through with them or a friend? 💐

The thing is OP, you may not have realised it, but you are now the 'parent' in the relationship. I remember the moment it happened to me. It is a difficult adjustment and very hard to accept

OP, loads of sympathy from another veteran of the cockroach cafe thread.
Join us there- loads of room and no judgement. 🌺🌺.
Could you send chocs/ flowers to cheer her up? It is heartbreaking when we can’t fix things for them- and your needs are important.

I have not RTFT but I have read your posts. I don’t think it’s a suicidal comment, so I would just just take it as a sign of her feeling low about her worsened situation. Sympathise and move on. More importantly, what can you do to help keep her spirits up from now on? How often can you speak to her on the phone? I think regular (daily) phone calls help. Call or FaceTime regularly while you are cooking dinner?

OP I think people are being really harsh on here. Yes we all want to be angels with endless patience and resilience but sometimes it's just hard to keep this up . I think it's OK for her to say she's had enough of life too. I don't know what the answer is, it's a really hard stage of life for everyone.

Just tell.her you love her, you understand and that you'll always be here for her in her final days.

I think it depends how it’s said - and the relationship.

If you have a good, loving relationship I would accept it as natural, just confiding in you IYSWIM. I would be sympathetic.

However, if it’s not a good relationship, those words can come across as hostile or as some kind of cynical self-pity and resentment towards ‘you’. My mother says similar things in a weird, hostile way. As we are not close I don’t welcome her “confidences”. I question the motivations behind them.