Just had very upsetting phone call from my mother, 92

[LindorDoubleChoc]

😥

She's been in hospital recently (I went to visit when she was in) but now back in her care home. Her mobility is getting worse to the point where she now needs help to get to the toilet, which I understand is the final indignity.

But she just rang me (I'm at work) to tell me that she hates everything and she wishes she wasn't here any more. What am I supposed to do with that? I got upset and a bit angry and said "how do you think that makes me feel Mum? please don't say things like that to me!" then we both cried.

Of course I feel awful now. I know that ageing is a brutal process, I have witnessed it first hand and been as supportive as I know how to be. But it's so stressful and depressing to hear a loved one talking like this. She feels (and always has) able to tell me this sort of stuff and I've been hearing it for years. Just when she needs comfort the most I've been horrible!

I feel SO DOWN but also terribly guilty now. And I've got a busy afternoon of work ahead and I'm crying like a loon. I'll have to ring her back, what can I say?

But Autumnus isn't being nasty, she's spot on when she argues that the OP's behaviour is childish and she needs to grow up

OP isn't cruel, uncaring or any other negative adjectives. She is, however, behaving like a child to her mother at the moment when her mother needs a confidante, needs her to be a grown-up. OP's apparent incapacity or unwillingness to center her mother in what she is going through is wrong, and it is the precise meaning of childish.

I got upset and a bit angry and said "how do you think that makes me feel Mum? please don't say things like that to me!" then we both cried.

I'm sorry it's tough for you, but that is really unfair @LindorDoubleChoc . Sorry to say, but I think in this situation, her feelings are more important. You need to vent to friends or husband, not your mother, who is suffering enough.

Imagine you are YOU inside, but your body is so infirm or frail that you are no longer independent. No wonder she's angry and panicky.

Try to let it flow over you. Have some compassion. It's tough for you to watch, but it's obviously far tougher for your mother: she knows (somewhere deep down) she's facing her death.

@BlueGrey1 I am genuinely sorry if I was a bit too direct. It probably struck a nerve with me. I guess I just wish in situations when I hadn't handled things well, someone had been able to give me some perspective beyond what I had at the time. The thing is OP, when you are going through these really difficult times, you can feel really powerless and it is all so overwhelming and you are emotionally exhausted but with hindsight, these times pass and afterwards you only have the consolation of all your memories but also how well you treated them when they were at their most vulnerable. I wish you all the best.

I think you're right Lilo.

Just as I needed to vent and be heard when I posted earlier today. All the way through my post I said how much it had upset me and how I felt guilty and horrible. And yet so many responses on this thread are "yes you are, think of your DM". It's almost like I posted in AIBU.

We had another conversation later in the day, when I wasn't in the thick of a busy day at work, and ended as friends. Luckily my DH came home from 4 days away and we had a good chat and glass of wine. He's in a similar position with his elderly parents. We are both working full time. They also live 100 miles away. It's hard.

My Mum has had a DNR in place for years. She hasn't been resuscitated at all - just treated in hospital for infections or anaemia. The care home she's living in wouldn't leave her to be overcome by an infection - would that be ethical? She's unhappy because she can't stand or move easily, but neither or those conditions are life threatening.

I would welcome any suggestions you have as to how I can help my Mum regain her mobility?

I think I'm a ruthless bitch but when I hear of someone that age and state say that they want to die, I think, well that's logical.

For a long time my father clung to life and found things that gave him pleasure and that was really touching, even though I was thinking, but your life is so full of pain and misery. But when the two things he most wanted to do (look after my mother and make his pots) became impossible, I gradually got the sense that the balance was shifting.

I'm with @BorgQueen - this is a chance for you to listen and to help her. Not euthanasia, obviously, it's illegal apart from anything else. But you can step in and stop any unnecessary medical interventions. Have an honest conversation about oral antibiotics vs iv, feeding tubes, oxygen masks etc. Ask her if she wants to go into hospital or not. If you can, find a palliative care nurse to talk to her. And if she doesn't want any interventions, then facilitate that for her with a ReSPECT form and an understanding from the care home that they won't dial 999. My father dying was shit but I am genuinely proud that I enabled him to die at home and peacefully.

Dad might have lived a few more weeks if I hadn't done all this, but I loved and respected him enough to make sure he didn't die on some shitty hospital ward with tubes sticking out of him.

I'm so sorry that it's so upsetting for you and it's horrible that feeling that there's only one way out of this. But you have a chance to do something actually rather wonderful.

She is in the care home of her choice in the town she has lived in since 1965. She has some local visitors and my brother (who lives closer and is retired). It would be easier for me if she lived closer, but not really easier for her. She likes it there, it's a very good place. She's just had enough. She would be utterly traumatised by the idea of a move now.

@LindorDoubleChoc

my response to the first couple of posts was almost "you should post in Elderly Parents not AIBU" then I realised that was where you were.

come and join us in the cafe. Most of us are in the middle of gruelling journeys and understand how emotions abd events can surprise you and how easy it is to disappoint yourself in how you've dealt with things.

in relation to what you should say to your mum, whenever I've felt I've been particularly snippy to my dad I just say "I'm really sorry I was x,y,z earlier, I don't think I helped much did I". Then let her say what she wants to say. Kindly, it's unsurprising that she's had enough. She probably thought the end was finally here when she was admitted to hospital and had made peace.

OP you need to look at a Respect form. We now have one in place for my FIL. It is a document of what they will and won't accept in terms of care, whether they would be admitted to hospital or not, CPR etc etc. and yes the care home would provide pain relief and comfort measures and allow an infection to take her (often quickly and calmly in the case of the elderly). As a nurse it is 100% the way I would choose to go in extreme old age. This is why pneumonia used to be known as the old man's friend.

I was very close to my grandmother and she often said similar things. She wouldn’t say that to her children but she was tired and had been ready to go for years. Sadly for her, one of her children was a co-owner of the best private hospital in the area so no matter how old and ill she was, she was often put through the mill to bring her back from her deathbed again and again over many years no matter the severity of her condition.

Looking at the misery she was put through, when there was no more quality of life, is really prompting me to find a way to get a non resuscitation order in place and would like the opportunity to discuss with my doctor how to go about refusing any more treatment and only managing the condition when the quality of life is gone. Is this something you can suggest? Bear in mind as well that at this stage she might not need cheering up, she may only need for her suffering to be acknowledged and to be reassured that it is ok to give up if that is what she wishes.

Can you blame her for feeling this way, unable to do stuff for herself, sitting in Gods waiting room. You are selfish making it about you

It is so hard for both of you to
You need to put on a brave face for your mum. She is elderly. You never know what is around the corner.
There may well be a good few more years of you supporting her, but you never really know.

And think how awful you'd feel if you didn't visit for the last time.. because you "could do without it"

I sent my Dad a carefully worded message shortly before he died telling him to not be snippy to people. He wasn't usually a snippy person but was understandably not feeling himself. He knew he was dying and we knew he was dying but I thought he would want me to tell him to be mindful of his behaviour. He replied with a sweet message reminding me how much he loved us all and saying sorry. ( We were texting because it was very late at night)
I'm glad I told him even though some people on this thread sound like they would disapprove as I was making it about me but I disagree because I know my Dad wouldn't have wanted to behave like that.

Maybe it's the same with the OPs Mum and she needs a reminder that's it's not always best to say whatever is that's on her mind. It doesn't necessarily help.

I'm not sure I've explained this that well but hopefully you get the gist.

I understand how shocking and upsetting it is to hear your mum say that especially if you were at work and weren't mentally prepared. I think some people have been very harsh on you.

Can speak to someone IRL who won't judge you for your feelings but just listen and let you air them? It might help you to deal with her a bit more calmly and to process the inevitable.

So sorry, it sounds like she's coming to the end. Give her lots of love and attention, both for her now and for you later. You don't want any regrets ❤️

I understand what you are saying here, but I think we'd all prefer to go to bed one night and not wake up. I know my Mum would (and she's telling me she's ready now). So if I do get to see her "one more time" some time in the future it will be because I've been called to her death bed and all that that entails.

Perhaps I should talk to her about Dignitas. She has full mental capacity and the money.

I feel for you OP, I lost my Mum in May and she had said the same things to me, especially after my Dad died a few years ago. I was upset too and it is perfectly OK to be upset.

I am surprised at some of the comments on here and think the last thing you need are other posters being mean. It is a tough time and if you cannot vent on this board then I just feel that is bloody sad.

Take care of yourself.

Why don't you move her to a care home nearer you. ? Seems madness to be so far away if you are her nearest family .

You sound absolutely exhausted OP
remember you cannot pour from an empty cup.
Basically your batteries are flat.
Last time I did a 2 hour drive it took almost a week to recover.
I think the best advice was from the pp, who take with a pinch of salt, sympathise and then move on, with random chatter.

Fair enough. In which case, I would push for your brother to do more. Ultimately, she is miserable and she's venting to you. Have some stock phrases ready and just do as much as you can.

I would let her mention Dignitas if she wants OP...I wouldn't bring it up myself.

I wouldn’t mention Dignitas if I were you. As myself and others have said, sadly it’s fairly common for elderly people with health problems to say this type of thing-but she might be appalled if you actually suggest that she ends her life. She’s venting, because you’re a safe person to vent to. 💐

Can you do any flexibility with your work, so you could drive to her one day, see her/work, stay, drive home another day. I remember work being amazing with a colleague who's dad was older and she needed to be with more often. It made such a difference to her coping.

My DGM certainly didn't. She died at nearly 100 & wasn't ready then. (She was fortunate to have a very peaceful death, dignified and without pain. She was entirely mentally alert & on no medication).

Some older people do reach a stage like OP's. But many others do not.