Dad giving money to brother AGAIN!

[paulfoel]

Bit of background. As Dad got older he became a complete nightmare. Wife doesn't speak to him (his fault completely and I don't blame her at all!).
I've had to step away a bit or I'd probably be divorced by now.

BUT I still do what I can for him. Live 40+ mins away and got my own kids so sometimes. He still really takes the p**
Got brother who lives a mile away. No kids (that he sees). Don't speak to him.

Anyway, couple of times I've caught Dad out now. I pay bills for him and so can access his bank account. Not sure why he thinks I can't see - but I see recently hes been giving money to brother again.

Dad does occasionally give money to both of us. I don't need it but my brother doesn't either it all goes down the pub. BUT I know my brother plays the sob story....

He plays favourites a LOT does Dad. He who visits the most gets cash bonus. So its mostly my brother because he knows how to play the game well. Pop in after work for 10 mins kerching, send you're wife (who doesnt work) in the daytime kerching. Of course I can't do that.

I do what I can. Sort his bills, do shopping for him. In the past, I've sorted out grants for disabled improvements to his house, sorted his hearing aid, got him discounts for Sky etc. I just refuse to do things like hospital appts at 9am (because I can't get there in time, got to get youngest to school) - but I have arranged taxis and paid for them, arranged patient transport, arranged home visits. None of which it seems is as good as turning up on the spot.

I don't need the money but its the principle that I do this but I'm not on the bonus list it seems. Should I be peed off here?

I wouldn’t be happy to send my elderly parent to hospital by taxi, even a gold plated one! Hospitals can be very disorientating. More so if you’re on your own.

Me and DH are currently looking after 5 oldies, my DM, my DA & DU, his DF and his DU.

They all live on different towns and me and DH both work plus we have our own DC.

How would you propose that we take them all to Hospital, especially as appoints can fall on the same day in towns up to 90 miles from one another?

To have all 5 adults all needing to visit a different hospital in different places on the same day is unfortunate to say the least!

@Soontobe60 That’s not the point. Some elderly people, like my Dad (85), can manage just fine using patient transport and/or taxis. He actually enjoys the trip and chatting to different people. 🤷

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto I think people with this sort of attitude think they're a bit special and deserve be called "saint" bless 'em.

Went to see him last night. Every single time I've spoken to him since I said no I can't take you hes tried to blackmail me. I've tried to ignore but its getting beyond.

Last night I had :-
"I'm so depressed and not sleeping worried if the transport is going to turn up" - My fault
"I might cancel the appt then I might end up ill" - my fault
"Im stuck in this house all the time and no-one wil take me anywhere" - my fault

I lost it, told him if he continued to treat me like crap I won't bother at all. Told him I can do without his constant guilt tripping.

In one ear and out of the other.

To be honest, I've decided, I'm not taking him to any hospital appointments now. Its not fair. Its literally going to be almost 2 hrs each way drive for me, most of the day lost with no pay, all because he won't get patient transport.

If he was grateful it'd be different but hes not - to him its my duty to do as he says.

Hes got so much saved he could never spend it all. It’ll disappear scarily quickly if he needs residential care.

But you’re right, he needs to spend it if he needs it. If you’re 2 hours away, you’re not available for transport.

Sounds like your dad knows exactly that your brother only wants money and you are the only one that cares to be honest. That, for a very old man who had a very different life experience to you makes him feel not quite a man IME. Sad really for you both.

WHY Dont you report the card as lost? can you ask the bank to send the new card to you?

My bil did that. Every time he came to visit his father he would get paid for his travel expenses plus whatever money he needed for xyz. It's funny as he got so annoyed about the amount of money we were gifted which we used as a deposit but when looking through all the statements over the years after fil had passed, he got as much as we did, if not more.
Ultimately though, it's up to your dad if he wants to give his son money.

The other bit you mentioned, about the travel to hospital, and his attitude to you not taking him and the faux issues he might have with taxis. I think this might be an aging thing. My fil was very much he can do everything perfectly fine thanks you, but not be able to do any of it, get into a mess and expect my dh to sort it out, as we were closest. He would get quite angry about it too. We never found a solution, sorry to say.

you should explain to the bank that your father does not leave the house and the bank card should be sent to you so you can take money out for him. do you have power of attorney at all? if you dont then i think that might be the way to go.

Old people get ill though, that’s just normal.

If you can't do it you can't do it for whatever reason. If your brother can and your father appreciates that and gives him something that is also OK. Do you expect to be rewarded for not giving him a lift?

@MereDintofPandiculation Told him this 1000s of times that its pointless saving it all and doing without.

Trouble is, when I normally visit, its 30 mins drive from home. BUT he fails to understand that, in rush hour, I've got a get onto the motorway in the city I live, along the motorway, get into the busy town he lives in , get back out and to the hospital which is in another town. (20 mins when its quiet).

50 mins I could do door to door to door..... but not in rush hour.

@junebirthdaygirl Well to be honest, its been like this for 30+ years since he was in his 50s - not much older than I am now.

Sort of an in built unwillingness to do anything for himself. Where do you draw the line? If you gave into everything you'd end up being Dad slave/carer/PA all rolled into one.

His hosp appt is tomorrow. Can't wait. I've had two weeks of phone calls EVERY day asking me to reconsider and take him. Its crazy....

Well the hospital visit didn't go well.
Flipping patient transport turned up over an hour late so they had to call the hospital to reschedule his appt. Nice one - he wasn't keen to start with!

Of course, all Im getting now is how terrible it was, how long it took, how they were stuck in traffic. I'm thinking "hang on in my car you'd be stuck in traffic too".

Going home he had to wait "almost 30 mins" for the return bus. Jeez. 30 mins.... Oh no. How long does it take me to get you in rush hour Dad?

Then I get "I'm not doing that again, you or your brother will have to take me in the future".

Its not going to go well here..... I'd be more keen to make an effort if he didn't think he could demand I do things.

Possibly because it was a Friday. Fridays here tend to be manic, it’s as if everyone is off work that day. Easy to say but don’t rise to it. He thinks you have to do it but you really don’t. Tell him he needs to give it another chance and if that doesnt work find some other way of getting there, but you have bills to pay and can’t help. It really is his problem and not yours.

@doodleZ1 Yeh true forgot it was Friday. Tried to make him realise if he was in my car it'd be same traffic! Even worse for me because I'd have to get there prob 60 mins or more each way from my house.

Its nuts that he thinks its my duty. Thats the worse of it to be honest. I'm expected to do it. Sometimes he actually phrases it like its my problem to sort out. Really annoys me.

Did he do the same for the generation above him? So same expectation?

Mine did a lot of running around for the generation above her. BUT she forgets that she worked very part-time so had a lot of time/flexibility. Different working life so she got an actual lunch break and went shopping/delivered it to relative then. And retired very young so had even more free time then which she chose to use in that way (she would say it was her duty!). Hospital was local and all the people local so no traffic issues. She can't grasp that life is very different now.

@paulfoel Oh yes, I get the “it’s your duty” implication all the time as well from my Dad. He’d really like to live with us and not have to do anything for himself, he’s always had a woman to take care of him. Sadly, my SM’s now passed away so he wants me to do everything for him instead.

He conveniently ignores the fact that none of his friends live this way. 😂

@EmotionalBlackmail Yes and I well remember him saying about my Nan "if I ever get like that shoot me". Yeh well.

Same. Lived 5 mins walk away too.

More tellingly he pretty much let his older sister do it all rather than him.

@HamBone yes sounds similar. No interest whatsoever in doing anything for himself.

He completely forgets about anyone apart from himself. He conveniently forgets I've got a job, wife, my own kids - all I get is "well someone has to take me to hospital appointments". Eh? Since when....

Its going to be a big argument about this patient transport I can see. Yeh they turned up late, but he got to his appt, got seen, got home. Its not as if he was in a rush to go somewhere.

Yeh the transport takes a while to get there because they pick other people up but hey ho. And I thought a less than 30 min wait to come home was pretty good. He left home at 11 and was home 130pm apparently. Its 30 mins drive each way approx. Result I reckon. I don't see what so bad about that...

Yeh not totally convenient but the alternative is me driving probably 75 mins to collect him in rush hour, 30 mins to hospital, waiting with him (1 hr last time) same in return. This is assuming then I haven't got to rush back to make sure I get home for the school bus with my daughter on

Pretty much 4 and 1/2 hours for me. And I won't get paid for it so would have to make that time up in work! I dunno - it all seems a bit unfair of him to ask me to do this. A lot of it is either him not wanting to make any effort himself, and partly he gets a warm fuzzy feeling knowing hes got me running around for him.

Of course, brother is 5 mins down the road. I know he works shifts so has days off in the week too. Yet Dad is intent on playing "his turn" now its "your turn" because "thats fair". Oh brother has no kids (well none he sees long story) so not only has he probably 1hr 10 less journey each way hes not restricted by that either. I do wonder even if I lived another 50 miles away if he'd be the same - I reckon he would - he seems to have the attitude "well I've got an appt so you need to make arrangements"

Am I right to say no next time? To be honest, Im in my mid-50s, got a massively busy job (as does my wife) and a 10 year old (yeh I know I'm old). High blood pressure too (no thanks to dad!). I can do without more stress and more running around zooming up and down the motorway etc.

It's easier to say no every time and have a very clear boundary. It's like dealing with toddlers - far easier to be very consistent than giving in one time and then they know their tantrums work!

You can't be that old with a child though - mid-50s with a 10 year old means you had the child in your mid-40s which is very common where I am.

You’ve already told him you are not doing it. If you back down now all those daily phone calls he made trying to persuade you to do his bidding, were for nothing. No sorry, I work, can’t do it, got bills to pay. Then leave it. He doesn’t outrank you, you need to get annoyed at the same questions all the time when you’ve given your answer. Stop discussing it more than “no I work can’t do it”. Put the phone down. Job done. The thing I’ve realised now is I didn’t need to put up with the nonsense my parents gave me. I tried to get them onside, didn’t work. They just waited till I finished my point and started again. Long explanations are not necessary. Give your side briefly, don’t get into a discussion and don’t get into constantly expecting them to realise they are being unfair as that will never happen. Mine thought they were “right” to the end. Your dad needs retrained.

Also once this is sorted I would think what else you would like to change to get your life back. Then work towards that

@EmotionalBlackmail ha ha yes 45 when we had her. I dunno been called her grandad a few times now!