Dad giving money to brother AGAIN!

[paulfoel]

Bit of background. As Dad got older he became a complete nightmare. Wife doesn't speak to him (his fault completely and I don't blame her at all!).
I've had to step away a bit or I'd probably be divorced by now.

BUT I still do what I can for him. Live 40+ mins away and got my own kids so sometimes. He still really takes the p**
Got brother who lives a mile away. No kids (that he sees). Don't speak to him.

Anyway, couple of times I've caught Dad out now. I pay bills for him and so can access his bank account. Not sure why he thinks I can't see - but I see recently hes been giving money to brother again.

Dad does occasionally give money to both of us. I don't need it but my brother doesn't either it all goes down the pub. BUT I know my brother plays the sob story....

He plays favourites a LOT does Dad. He who visits the most gets cash bonus. So its mostly my brother because he knows how to play the game well. Pop in after work for 10 mins kerching, send you're wife (who doesnt work) in the daytime kerching. Of course I can't do that.

I do what I can. Sort his bills, do shopping for him. In the past, I've sorted out grants for disabled improvements to his house, sorted his hearing aid, got him discounts for Sky etc. I just refuse to do things like hospital appts at 9am (because I can't get there in time, got to get youngest to school) - but I have arranged taxis and paid for them, arranged patient transport, arranged home visits. None of which it seems is as good as turning up on the spot.

I don't need the money but its the principle that I do this but I'm not on the bonus list it seems. Should I be peed off here?

@doodleZ1 I know you're right but I've never seen anyone as determined as him to get his own way. Hes already talking about his "next" appointment.....

The other week I had a right go at him for treating me badly. Its just no worth it though - he massively overdoes the Im sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, will you forgive me, please please please then 2 weeks later he does the same again.

Thing is yeh hes old and hes my Dad. I don't really want to upset him if I can but its getting to the point where its coming to a head I think and I've no choice.

Crikey, that's a pretty common age round here! We were at primary school parents' evening this week and all the dads I saw there must have been aged between mid-40s and mid-60s!

Or maybe the younger ones don't go to parents' evening

OMG he just does not give up.....

Hes said hes going to refuse to go to hospital appts if myself or brother won't take him. Hes honestly like a toddler throwing himself on the floor with a tantrum!

I said "Not a good idea, but its your decision at the end of the day". I also said "I've already explained why I can't do it most days so if you change your mind and want me to sort patient transport again let me know"

With my work situation I've got to go into the office 2 days a week now (and its 2 hours+ away). Not ideal but hey ho. I've told him this and that its going to mean I'm not available all the time. His answer "well I think you need to get another job!"

Hang on now I get another job which ties in with what you want? Dad tends to think all jobs start and finish at set times, and thats it. 40 years he worked in a factory so I guess thats all he knows.....

Ah yes, the mythical job that lets you disappear for days at a time to deal with hospital appointments and other random things on full pay, and offers compassionate leave, also fully paid, in blocks of months for many reasons that aren't a close relative dying.

Yep, I've heard about that a lot too!

You just have to be a stuck record and repeat those same lines again. And again. And again. It's up to him if he decides not to go to appointments.

Yes but even the factory jobs that he was familiar with, wouldn’t give you time off to take a relative to a hospital appointment. Is there any chance he is starting dementia? Locally we have volunteers to take people to hospital appts. I think it’s through the church. If there’s an older adult service at your council you could ask there. Then of course back to a taxi. Laughs at the idea of spending money! Just hold the line that’s all you can do as to do anything else just kicks the can down the road a bit. My mother didn’t refuse to go to appts she just kept asking me “so are you taking me to the hospital”, even though I had already said I couldnt take her. She thought I would change my mind right up to the day before the appt, and when I didn’t she ranted abt needing to keep these appts. It was as if she wasn’t in charge of her life herself any more. She rescheduled as she certainly wasn’t going to ask anyone else

@EmotionalBlackmail Tell me about it. In the past hes told me to tell my boss that hes ill and he needs me. Yeh right. Hes not ill just old.

Its even more complicated that I don't have an employer just a client. They're good as gold but its a no work no pay deal. So any time off in unpaid. They'd be sympathetic but it'd be a case "ah ok let us know when you come back".

Dad just does not get this. Hes so used to the world stopping for him I think.

@doodleZ1 Yeh same as you I've offered to pay for a taxi, I've arranged patient transport etc.

Also same as you when I told him last time and arranged patient transport it went on for weeks. I was not lying, I could not get my daughter off to school and take him it was impossible.

Every day I had "so are you sure you can't take me?" "can't you make an effort" then it got to "Im so depressed you can't take me" "Its all your fault you're making me ill". I was FUMING to say the least.

Same as you. He seems to think its MY problem to sort not his and I need to do whatever it takes to get it what he wants done.

My kids/wife etc don't matter because he says I should put him first. Not happening.

Oh jeez its started again. His appt is Dec 4th hes called me again asking if I'm sure I can't take him. Im going to get a month of this. I'm going to block his number I think.

I just don't get his attitude how its my problem to sort out and not his any more. I mean I'm happy to help but ultimately its his appt. Same with being able to do it. I tell him its impossible and he seems to shrug his shoulders as if to say "well you'll have to think of some way to do it because I need to go to the appt". Its well weird.

Sometimes I feel guilty then I remind myself that taxi is an option and he won't be willing to pay £10 for that. Its £10 important to him so why should it be important to me?

Does your brother get these calls too? Have you spoken to him?

I'm going to block his number I think. Good idea. Have one defined period of the day when you’ll pick up to him.

@saraclara Brother and I don't speak. Haven't for years. Dads fault this was.
One day brother (lives a mile away, no kids - me 25 miles, 2 kids, one young, one teen with aspergers) decided we'd have a rota for visiting Dad every day (he included my wife as well!).

I told him sorry can't commit to it. (He used to send his mrs up in the daytime when he was at work - she didnt work). Apparently then I'm the most selfish person in the world because of this and my wife is a b@tch (because I said no shes got her own mother to think about).

So not sure. In the past he has had phases of "poor dad we've got to help him". (Especially when its easy for him to do so or send his wife as above!) Ranging to phases where hes been caught lying to Dad and avoiding him at all costs.....

He may well do get these calls BUT I often hear from Dad "Oh he can't get time off hes working 12 hour shifts" (hes probably not) "But you're at home anyway so you can take a few hours off".

(Yep, brother is in a manual "proper" job, I wfh as an IT consultant - you guessed it Dad worked in a factory for 40 years. You can see who the golden child is!)

@MereDintofPandiculation I don't answer him during the day and told him unless its urgent wait till the evening. Then I started getting "urgent" calls like "I've seen this on my bank statement".

Now I just don't answer. If hes lying on the floor dying, phone an ambulance anyway. Im 30-40 mins away anyway so no good calling me.

My mum regularly calls my brother and me at around 4:30am. Consequently she doesn't have our mobile numbers and our landline phones are kept downstairs. If she has an emergency when we're asleep, she's stuffed. And I can't allow myself or my brother to feel guilty if it happens.

Don't blame you. Assuming your not a doctor or any kind of medical person then if its an emergency not for you really.......

I've lost count number of times I've said to Dad when hes asked me about something. "I dunno Dad I'm not a medical professional".

My wifes a nurse and it used to be constant. Of course shes a nurse not a surgeon or consultant so it was a bit silly. Im sure shes glad they don't speak now (long story his fault!)

If my child even suggested to me that I couldn't do what I wanted with my own money I would be furious

I really feel for you Paulfoel. My DM was the same. It is like they don't consider that you have a life and other commitments and that your family take priority over them. DM used to comment at the hospital appointments, how many patients all had their adult children with them, and she too would refuse patient transport and taxis - as they were for the 'really old and sick ones' - and somehow it was all beneath her. She used to trot out the 'after everything I have done for you' line too. However she would never make such demands on my sister (golden child), despite my sister living 5 mins away and working part time.

I do think you have a bigger problem than your Dad pressurising you to take him to appointments. Reading your posts, the following stand out:

• He favours your brother (rewards him with cash gifts)
• He expects you to drop everything and make more effort with him than your brother
• He seems to accept if your brother cannot do something - but not you
• He says horrible things to you (which I bet he doesn't say to your brother)
• He does not want to make any compromises whatsoever (but fully expects you too)
• He completely dismisses your needs
• Everything is on his terms alone
• If you stand up to him, he lays on the guilt, fear and obligation tactics
• He makes no effort to build loving and caring relationships with you, your wife or your dc (his own gc)

The relationship is quite frankly exhausting and sounds highly toxic.

The only way, I resolved things with my Mum was to drop the rope completely as it was impacting my mental wellbeing and my ability to support my own family.

If you haven't done so already, I would recommend the Stately Homes thread, which was instrumental in me recognising what my relationship with my parents really was, acknowledging how I felt and helping me through this.

I am also willing to bet, that even for all that you do for him, he does not even acknowledge them, but will readily berate you for not doing things to his (impossible) standards .... which is another hallmark of toxic behaviour.

@Maddy70 Yes fair enough. But would you expect to be able to give one child money and not the other and then expect there to be no issues?

@Haysmiths Oh yes its an expectation that I have to do it.....

He only ever says thanks (and goes completely way over the top with it and does the lovebombing thing) when he realises hes peed me off.

I have adult children. I have given to both my children at different stages of their lives but not at the same time so may have seemed unfair at the time. I would never share with the other. Or why I was doing it. (One appeared quite well off the reality was very different for private reasons not to be shared with their sibling)
If either of them had complained about how I spent my money they wouldn't get a penny more

@Haysmiths Yep pretty much all of them.

His attitude to patient transport is hes too ill (hes not). Explained to him about 20 times they take people on stretchers if needs be.

Still not keen. He doesn't like the hassle. Last time he left 11am and was home 2pm. Of course, he still moaned about the bus being stuck in traffic (that my helicopter can avoid I guess).

It would mean pretty much 3-4 hours of driving me and having to rush back for work. I don't get how he thinks its ok to get me to do that rather than him put up with a little bit of hassle.....

A lot of it with him is he thinks its his sons JOB to take him. Hes been like this for years. Not willing to do anything for himself but he seems to get a warm glow when hes able to get someone to do something for him.

It often turns into a bit a test. Hes testing to make sure you're loyal to him (or more like testing he's still got you on the hook). I can't tell you how many friends hes lost be doing this sort of thing.

Really annoyed me with the guilt thing last time. Accused me of making him ill, he couldn't sleep etc. all because he had to get patient transport. He made out he was so depressed. I told him he needed to chat with his GP then and, apparently, I made him worse by saying that, making out there was something wrong with him!
That was just a step too far.

@Maddy70 Of course totally appreciate that. In the past, I've turned down money from Dad and advised him to, instead, give money to brother who needed it.

I remember in the past brother needed a car. I told Dad I didn't want money but to give it to brother to buy a car. Didn't work out too well though - Dad gave him £200 to buy a car with!

I only had an issue when Dad started using it as bribes. Brother twigged that if he lied to Dad, but still made out he would help (usually sending his wife to see him in the daytime) then Dad would give him money.

We've got different situations. I live miles away, got 2 kids, inc teen with Aspergers so couldn't do everything Dad wanted. Brother lived a mile away, no kids, wife didn't work. He worked out it was often worth popping in after work (not something I could do) for £100 cash!

Of course, he filled Dads head with all sorts. I was apparently making excuses saying my son had Aspergers and it was nothing really, and that my wife was stopping me coming to visit (not true at all!).

I still visited once a week, did his shopping. Sometimes it was major hassle. I wouldn't eat until 10pm at night.... I sorted his bills out, I sorted disabled grants for him, got his bathroom done, his stairlift, bought him a mobility scooter, sorted insurance. None of that mattered to him because I refused to do EVERYTHING he asked.

All I got for this was finding out brother was raking in the cash, all because he popped in for 10 mins twice a week. All I got was constant grief because I told him straight I couldn't do something.

Part of the problem was (and still is) brother works in a manual profession (Dad worked in factory all his life). I work from home as an IT consultant. I always hear how hard brother works, and often Dad tells me how people who work in an office have it easy. So brother tells Dad I can't come I'm working 12 hour shifts and then Dad tells everyone how hard he works, I work in an office and it must be easy, Brother knows tell dad hes working 12 hours and he can get out of anything.

Bit different?

I hope one day you may wake up and decide to stop being a martyr.. from all your posts it’s almost like you enjoy the drama to have something to complain about, because you CAN just say no and you CAN just not answer the phone, yet here you are time and time again, same shit different day. ‘Oh you won’t believe what he’s done now!!!’ ‘Oh my brother does this! Can you believe it!! his wife doesn’t even work!!!!’

Some people have rubbish parents, it’s a fact of life, blaming your brother for everything isn’t healthy and is completely misguided, he’s found a way to cope with your toxic dad, and if that includes getting paid for his efforts then what of it? You could do that too, but you won’t take any money when he offers?? Then you moan that it’s all ‘unequal’. It’s only unequal because you WANT to be morally superior to your brother, your posts are smothered with it.

your dad is clever, he knows if he stokes the fire between you two siblings, you’ll fall out and it will always then be him and bro against you, or him and you against bro, you’re naive if you think he doesn’t say complimentary things about you to try and get your bro to fall in line.. it’s his modus operandi, he’s perfected the art of playing you off against each other and he knows exactly what to say to each, and you both lap it up while being simultaneously outraged with each other, it’s probably been there your whole lives.

he uses guilt on you and he uses cash incentives on your brother, anything to stay top of the tree, he’s never going to suddenly become a decent human being so the only way you can combat it is if you and your brother create a united front and decide to stop being professional victims, but something tells me you won’t as you won’t have anyone to blame everything on then.

@sandyhappypeople yet here you are commenting on what you think of me, feel free to do one and go away.

You seem very jealous of your brother. Of course he's able to empathise with his job more if that's similar to his job.

He is doing the day to day things he needs , taking him to the doctors etc he's seeing him more often. Your dad is slipping him some cash. For yen expenses and trouble he's going to.

He's having conversations with your dad about you. Of course he is. What else is there to talk about other than family

You seem very affronted that after one visit you didn't get your dinner until 10 pm. Come on.

I think you're overthinking all this. Of course you can't be there as often as you have your own family commitments and live away. But to be this resentful of your brother is way out of proportion.

Ask your dad why he's giving him money if you want to. And maybe he will explain maybe he won't. But he's happy doing then its his money