Dad giving money to brother AGAIN!

[paulfoel]

Bit of background. As Dad got older he became a complete nightmare. Wife doesn't speak to him (his fault completely and I don't blame her at all!).
I've had to step away a bit or I'd probably be divorced by now.

BUT I still do what I can for him. Live 40+ mins away and got my own kids so sometimes. He still really takes the p**
Got brother who lives a mile away. No kids (that he sees). Don't speak to him.

Anyway, couple of times I've caught Dad out now. I pay bills for him and so can access his bank account. Not sure why he thinks I can't see - but I see recently hes been giving money to brother again.

Dad does occasionally give money to both of us. I don't need it but my brother doesn't either it all goes down the pub. BUT I know my brother plays the sob story....

He plays favourites a LOT does Dad. He who visits the most gets cash bonus. So its mostly my brother because he knows how to play the game well. Pop in after work for 10 mins kerching, send you're wife (who doesnt work) in the daytime kerching. Of course I can't do that.

I do what I can. Sort his bills, do shopping for him. In the past, I've sorted out grants for disabled improvements to his house, sorted his hearing aid, got him discounts for Sky etc. I just refuse to do things like hospital appts at 9am (because I can't get there in time, got to get youngest to school) - but I have arranged taxis and paid for them, arranged patient transport, arranged home visits. None of which it seems is as good as turning up on the spot.

I don't need the money but its the principle that I do this but I'm not on the bonus list it seems. Should I be peed off here?

@FormerlyPathologicallyHappy Yes. Same. I thought it was just the area he lives/I come from which is a very working class (some would say backward) part of the world.....

Its a thing of shame to admit you're not in control of you're adult kids.

@saraclara good for you. I hope I've got that attitude too when Im older.
To be honest, I think elderly parents should do what they can themselves if possible and only expect help if they really need it.

I'd be more than happy to do that, but alas, Dad just basically puts his hands in the air and expects someone else to do it.

but have some sympathy for an 87 year old arriving at a hospital all alone. I had reason to be in a hospital clinic and most of the clients there were very elderly . They all had someone with them. I don't know how they could have managed otherwise.

Yep. I shouldn't have compared myself to him, as I've got twenty years on him. And likewise I don't think I've seen anyone of that age in the waiting room without someone accompanying them.

They doesn't mean that you should or that it's even possible @paulfoel , but I wonder if there's anyone you know who might? I know whoever it was wouldn't be good enough for him, of course! But unless he's a very on the ball 87, hospital appointments can sometimes almost be wasted without someone there to ensure that all information is put across/taken in. I now arrange for a carer to accompany my mum to hers (she's in an extra care flat, so fortunately it's not too hard to arrange).

@junebirthdaygirl I hear what you're saying but at the end of the day we all do what we can. Ideally I'd be able to do it.

No offence but you're comments just show how society guilt trips you into it. Its always "oh no the poor old person all alone".

Don't get me wrong, I used to be like that, I'd drop everything for him. Then I realised me doing this meant I was letting down my own family, my wife and kids as well. Dad would expect some minor task and he'd expect me to jump. The more I did, the more he asked and I realised a lot of it was test to be honest. He does seem to get a warm fuzzy feeling knowing hes got me to do something. Even more so strangely when I've had to let my family down.

I had a few tough years, my wife was long term ill, my teenager has Aspergers and was very difficult and we had a 3 year old. I realised then Dad did not give a monkeys about my problems not one iota. I'll remember until the day I die, telling him I couldn't do something because I had to stay home with teen (he couldn't be left home at 13/14 alone he'd have smashed the house up, set the house on fire) and he said "Oh thats all made up this Aspergers thing, never had it in my day, just give him a clout across the back of the head if he plays you up". Like WOW!!!

After this, things changed from my perspective....

@saraclara yeh know what you mean. Alas, he did have friends who'd take him but, because of how he is, hes managed to lose them. Can't say I blame his friends because hes very demanding.

In that case he’s got no one to be in embarrassed in front of for using patient transport.

You have my sympathies; my Dad is like this. He's 90, but still active & able, has a busy social life, his family don't get a look in then, we only hear from him when he wants something doing. He's always been a baby about his health ( which is good, getting to his age with no life limiting conditions is a win in my book). Any health problems, however minor, and he's panicking. He had a trapped nerve in his neck; cue a phone call saying he was having a stroke. I told him to put the phone down and I'd call an ambulance. He had a strop and ranted he didn't want an ambulance, he wanted me round at his immediately. I said it wasn't possible, and he slammed the phone down. He hadn't had a stroke, it was a trapped nerve from sweeping up leaves the day before.
He's grown up in a family that pandered to the men and minimised anything the women did. He's been fussed over by women his whole life. Me and my sisters have got wise to it and refuse to be sucked in. Dad has belittled me and bullied me my whole life, making me think I was stupid and as a consequence I had zero self esteem and confidence. I ended up in an abusive relationship, as it seemed normal. Thankfully that was years ago, and now I have a lovely kind husband. As I've got older ( and thanks to Mumsnet!) I've realised I don't have to put up with my Dad's behaviour. The less I see him, the more civil he is when I do see him, so I'm not going to go back to visiting every week, when at best he'd ignore me, and at worst he'd sneer and put me down. Don't let this be you; put yourself first. I wish I'd done it sooner.

@Dragonfly97 Yeh seems very similar. Its not just me he uses and abuses though its everyone.
You mentioned ambulances. Yep Dad is banned now. He made about 10 999 calls in a month and now they refuse to turn up.
Same with his GP. He was forever calling them out for nothing and now they refuse to do house visits.
A few times now I've rushed over because he said he had chest pains and can't breathe. Got there nothing wrong with him.

I've resigned myself to the fact that we'll probably find him dead in his chair one day and we'll all go "Oops he was ill this time".

You have done everything you can... to your own detriment.
You do know he won't change don't you?
Step back, step away.
Your priority is YOUR family, you are spinning plates as it is.
Being 87 is not an excuse for bad behaviour.. you would not accept this treatment from anyone else.
He can get the golden child to step up I am sure... he has been paid in advance after all......

I can beat that. My mum made eight 999 calls in a week!

Move him near you?

At the end of the day it’s his money - I know it’s not fair but he can do with it what he likes

As he knows you can see the account is he doing it to wind you up?

This thread resonates so much for me, especially these bits

"...We all do what we can. Ideally, I'd be able to do it".
"...Older members of society guilt-trip you into it"

Last week my 84-year-old DM, whom I took to a hospital appointment a few months ago, suggested I cancel my holiday abroad as the date clashed with her follow-up hospital appointment. I refused. Since then, she's told me on at least three occasions that the nice Dr she saw has specifically asked if her daughter is bringing her to the appointment. She's lying. Doctors don't ring patients to ask such questions. It's all a guilt trip. I try to ignore it but it makes my blood boil inside.

I think it is very likely that there is some underlying sexism here. Daughters are simply expected to look after elderly parents. Sons who do so are praised/rewarded because it is seen as something outside their role.

If I were you, I’d be having a word with your brother. If he is (in effect) getting paid to help, then maybe he can take over at least some of the the mental and practical load you cover too.

Your dad won’t change. So the only thing you can do is recognise that and decide what you can cope with and deal with that. No point in going back and forth with him when he will realistically never see your point of view. It just adds more stress.

@MetaverseMavis oh thats awful.... Yep agreed. Drs have no interest in how the patient is getting there.

I went on holidays the other month he was not happy. Told me he couldnt believe I was going away because what if something happened to him.

I pointed out that A) I wasn't a doctor so if he keeled over not a lot I could do and B) I live 30+ mins away anyway so it doesnt really matter if I'm 30 mins away or 8 hours away.

Also, he couldn't see my argument that lots of people have elderly parents and don't choose not to go away ever just in case.....

Bottom line - hes not actually ill anyway....

@IdealisticCynic Oh Dad manages to fit them all - sexist, racist, homophobic.

I remember the one time he asked me to do his laundry. I did it. He told me to thank my wife and was shocked when I said I did it. He told me I "shouldnt do it".

Yeh don't speak to my brother. Not sure if I mentioned, he lives a mile away no kids, his wife doesnt work. I live 25+ miles, 2 kids inc 10 year old.

Brother did a rota which included my wife and abused me because I said no I can't commit (it was basically 2 visits per day for Dad) and my wife has got her own parents to deal with.
Then they told Dad his wife (brothers that is) was going to he his carer so, of course, Dad was well up for this. Then they found out its something like £80 a week so they decided against it and let him down. The dream of £100s per week seemed to have died..... thats how thick they both are.

@paulfoel you are doing the right thing standing up to him and if he has to go on his own to an appointment, let him get on with it. There are volunteers at hospital entrances to help with directions etc.

I grew up as a child where the elderly grandparent was put first - including things like late school pickups because my parent was dealing with their appointments/social life instead of prioritising their child. It's devastating being the only child left and not knowing when someone will turn up to get you. It left me with insecure attachment and incredibly needy as I was never put first and this affected my relationships into adulthood. It's the reason now my DD and DH come first and I have boundaries in place for dealing with my mother! Who, yes, has to go to appointments on her own and complains a lot about this (she has multiple options for getting there and friends who could go with her but apparently it HAS to be her daughter !)

yeh same with me. Dad thinks it has to be someone who takes him.....

Thing is I remember my gran who lived to be 97. She was the same I think and I always remember him moaning about her and saying "If I ever get like that, shoot me!"

YANBU, OP. Community transport is great and my Dad (85) takes it to hospital appointments. He loves it, tbh, enjoys chatting to the driver and other people on the bus. He gets a wheelchair at the hospital as his mobility isn’t great and chats to the porters. He always has a slap-up meal in the hospital restaurant and claims that they give him extra ( they probably do). 😂

Obviously I take him if I can, so does my Auntie, but it’s often not possible. We do support my Dad in many ways, but appointments are tricky sometimes so he has to make his own way there.

It’s all about attitude and it sounds as if your Dad is determined to be negative.

Tbh OP, your Dad sounds rather unpleasant and it sounds as though whatever you do it will never be good enough. Unfortunately sometime people can also become incredibly selfish as they age. Their world becomes very small and they lose all concept of how complicated and busy other people's lives are.

I think you need to start doing much less tbh. There is patient transport available for his appointments. Home delivery for food shopping, etc, etc.

Well hes gone off on one tonight. I am so peed off with him.

Today I was thinking am I being unfair here? Looked at it again, to collect him and take him to the hospital would be pretty much 90 mins. I can't leave until my daughters on the bus to school - I'd have a flat 90 mins from then. This is 830 in the morning, down the motorway as well. Theres no chance I'll get there in rush hour.

Check with work. 2 people off already. Im a self employed It consultant so they're my client rather than employer. They're good as gold but I know they won't be happy. I don't want to lie and play the emergency card to be honest.....

So yes I sorted out patient transport for him this am. Spent about 20 mins on the phone etc. Sounds ok to be honest, and, of course, they'll sort him from end to end. Lot of people with less mobility than him too.

BUT, I've let him down apparently. And hes so depressed about it all. Really annoyed that he doing this. Not surprised because this is him through and through - he gets an idea in his head about what he wants and won't consider anything else no matter how difficult it is for everyone else.

I've told him many times he needs to speak to his GP because he gets so anxious about things. Told me tonight I've made him worse now because I suggested that tonight. Only trying to help but all I got is "they're not filling me full of drugs like a loonie".

I get hes not keen on going to the hospital but I honestly cant do everything.
I can't ditch my job and my family just because he wants me to do so.
I've had 10-15 years of being treated like crap now. Always the same.....

To be honest, he'd be better off in a home but I tried to bring that subject up once and got accused of "putting him away to die". Again another shameful thing with his generation where he lives - its considered shameful if you're kids don't look after you. And of course, he thinks home are like victorian workhouses..... I honestly think he'd love it though.

Honestly, I try not to let it get to me but it does. Doesn't do my high blood pressure any good either mind!

He sounds entitled and selfish.

My mother had issues with hospital visits. Loads and loads of visits and we had to cancel any appointments we had and take her. No thought that perhaps just perhaps we wanted to make appointments for ourselves. What she wanted came first as that was “important”, everything else could be rescheduled. She wouldn’t believe me when I said one time that I couldn’t do it. She waited till the last minute and then phoned and said “well are you taking me”. I couldn’t believe she hadn’t listened to a word I said and we didn’t take her. Cue ranting from her about how she needed to go to the hospital. But she wouldnt ask anyone else, just me, and couldn’t understand that her constant demands affected my life. This was from a woman that never went out of her way for me. As regards your dad I would organise patient transport as you are doing and just let him get used to it or find an alternative himself. All this stress is a killer. It was mentioned elsewhere about setting definite times to deal with elderly parents and refusing to deal with issues outside those times, except in emergencies. That works as you have to think what time you can realistically offer him that works for you and gives you a life. Both my parents are dead now but I still deeply resent the affect their behaviour has had on me and my family. If I was you now, I would back off quite a bit and if your dad doesn’t like patient transport he can organise something else. Don’t get into long discussions just say you can’t do it and leave it at that. Parents push buttons that no one else can push. As regards the money there’s nothing you can do, but you can think of it another way, in that your brother is getting the money, it’s about time he did the work. Oh and also put your dads calls to voicemail. Don’t be so available and he will phone your brother more.

Leave your brother out of the equation. Leave your dad's favouritism out of the equation.

The only thing that matters is do you feel taken advantage of? Are you doing all this because it's necessary and nobody else will, so you want to do it for those reasons? Or are you doing it for thanks, some sort of recognition of being a good child, emotional reward, gratefulness etc and feeling short changed that you don't get it? It's not really a question of should you feel pissed off but do you?

If you're feeling hard done by, you can always stop helping. Let dad manage his own affairs, or not, or let him arrange with brother/DIL to do it. You don't have to do anything you don't want to, don't have to involve yourself in favouritism, competition and other people's drama, don't have to have all these negative feelings. You could choose to walk away instead. All that matters is that you're happy with your decision and feel that it's for the best.

I do feel for you. DH is an only child and we kept getting called from an hour away to "just pop in and attend 4 appointments this week with her". MIL wasn't demanding but it was expected.
If "someone" is using his bank card you could cancel it as lost or stolen, just saying.

I've let him down apparently. And hes so depressed about it all.

he needs to speak to his GP because he gets so anxious about things. Told me tonight I've made him worse now because I suggested that tonight

These are emotional blackmail. You don't have to tolerate it.

If he's chosen anxiety over anxiey treatment, then leave him it. No more listening to how worried he is about anything, for example. You don't have to let him choose offloading onto you as an alternative treatment for his anxiety.