Dad giving money to brother AGAIN!

[paulfoel]

Bit of background. As Dad got older he became a complete nightmare. Wife doesn't speak to him (his fault completely and I don't blame her at all!).
I've had to step away a bit or I'd probably be divorced by now.

BUT I still do what I can for him. Live 40+ mins away and got my own kids so sometimes. He still really takes the p**
Got brother who lives a mile away. No kids (that he sees). Don't speak to him.

Anyway, couple of times I've caught Dad out now. I pay bills for him and so can access his bank account. Not sure why he thinks I can't see - but I see recently hes been giving money to brother again.

Dad does occasionally give money to both of us. I don't need it but my brother doesn't either it all goes down the pub. BUT I know my brother plays the sob story....

He plays favourites a LOT does Dad. He who visits the most gets cash bonus. So its mostly my brother because he knows how to play the game well. Pop in after work for 10 mins kerching, send you're wife (who doesnt work) in the daytime kerching. Of course I can't do that.

I do what I can. Sort his bills, do shopping for him. In the past, I've sorted out grants for disabled improvements to his house, sorted his hearing aid, got him discounts for Sky etc. I just refuse to do things like hospital appts at 9am (because I can't get there in time, got to get youngest to school) - but I have arranged taxis and paid for them, arranged patient transport, arranged home visits. None of which it seems is as good as turning up on the spot.

I don't need the money but its the principle that I do this but I'm not on the bonus list it seems. Should I be peed off here?

Have you asked him if your brother can take him?

Thanks all for your advice.... That's the thing they play on I guess that you feel guilty for not helping...

Really disappointed the way hes treated me once again. Like someone said, its emotional blackmail and he knows it. Hes even threatening now to cancel his hospital appt - an obvious attempt to then say its my fault. Hes done that many times in the past.

Its not just me hes done this to everyone for years. Uses people, doesn't make any effort himself and gets others to do things for him. Hes just oblivious.

His cousin (2 years younger than him) passed away recently. Dad treated him terribly too - always asking for a lift places, expecting him to take him out and push his wheelchair. His cousin used to text me and ask me to have a word with Dad to lay off a bit - I did and all Dad says "Oh he doesn't mind" and that was it.

I get hes got anxiety so I try to consider this. Many times I've told him to get help.... I've had mental/depression issues in the past, and I always remember Dad telling me to "pull my socks up". Never forget that one! From then on I just didn't tell him. Even now his attitude is that you either get on with it or you're locked in a padded cell - there is nothing in between for him.
Bit of a sad attitude but what can I do? Last night he told me that by me suggesting he get help I made him worse. (Tempted to say to him "pull your socks up then", but I'm not that evil, prob deserves it though).

Don't even go there with his abilities as a grandparent. My kids haven't seen him for years - he was always too busy with himself to ever bother with him. He does demand now to see them - sort of like a box tick - but that ship has sailed now (Son is 20 and can make up his own mind, daughter is 10 and I'm not forcing her either).

It does make me sad when I see others with nice parents and I've got to put up with this. When he goes I think all I'll remember is how much of an A@sehole he was.

I don't know your age but I wouldn't waste your youth/middle age being stressed about things you can't change. Either accept things as they are and let it wash over you without affecting you or step back to regain some peace.

Your cousin needed to stand up to your dad himself, that wasn't your job and as you saw, it wasn't possible coming from you. Just as now the only person who can change this dynamic is you. It's no good appealing to your dad's better nature when he doesn't have one! Don't ask to be treated fairly, expect it and refuse to accept unfair treatment. He's not going to change, so if you want the situation to be different its your behaviour that will have to change to achieve that.

Either accept things as they are and let it wash over you without affecting you or step back to regain some peace.

^^Great advice from @EasterFlower . Even though my Dad is fine using transport, he finds plenty of other areas where I’ve “let him down” and can be quite nasty when he’s in a bad mood. I’ve chosen the “wash over me” route and it works. I’ve decided that I’m going to support him to the end and his words don’t affect me. It’s very freeing, tbh, and we actually have a better relationship since I made this decision (because I don’t get upset anymore).

Unfortunately, my Auntie is still affected by him and they had a row this week. My Dad keeps saying that he “doesn’t know why she got upset,” but I can imagine him sniping until she lost her temper. He’s so silly.

Yeh I know I should do this. Im the sort of person who hates an argument so it goes against my nature a bit.

Got to call him tonight. 99% certain its going to be "So are you sure you can make a bit more of an effort and take me?". I'll say no again and then I'll get "Oh I'm so depressed!".

Not having it any more.... If it happens I've got to tell him.

It'll probably lead to more money to brother. 99% sure brother could take him next week - hes made an excuse. Hes done this in the past, when he feels like I'm not doing enough - he'll try and drop it onto me. This time he actually said to Dad "what about p"?

I'm wondering if brother, who won't be happy, will end up taking him. Chances are hes not even working that day.

I remember years ago tasking Dad somewhere I forget. He'd told me brother was working 12 hour shifts for the next week. Driving down the road who should we see heading into the pub - sunday lunchtime. I made a point of stopping to say hello. Dad brushed it all under the carpet saying oh he must have meant a different week - no way could he see the Golden Child had played him..... Now if that was me.....

entirely your dad's choice who he gives money to, and none of your business

Have you and/or your brother got power of attorney? If you haven't, be careful with the bill paying - it could be used against you if things get nasty. Get in contact with Age UK for some advice.

If your brother doesn't have POA you should arguably report the missing amounts to SS as a safeguarding concern.

I really would go grey rock with your father. Throw things back to the golden child.

"No I am too busy - get GC to do it or sort it yourself."

"I will visit on X day. No I'm not coming before then. Oh dear that's a shame your feel like that anyway I've got to go back to work now, cheerio for now." [Hang up]

"Oh dear I'm sad to hear you're feeling depressed again. Remember to call the GP to ask for help with that. Somebody's at the door, got to go, bye!" [Put phone down without waiting]

"That's emotional blackmail dad. It's not OK for you to behave like that. If you do that again I will hang up the phone. [Does it again] OK, as I said I'm going to hang up now because you were emotionally blackmailing me again." [Click]

"Don't shout at me Dad. If you do, I will go home. [Continues shouting at you] Okay, I'm going home because you're shouting at me, goodbye. [Leave immediately without another word].

It may take some missed appointments (by all means ring the hospital to let them know). It almost certainly will take some unpleasant interactions with your brother and his wife as well as your father to get the message across. Head down and plough through anyway.

He's 90, but still active & able, has a busy social life, his family don't get a look in then, we only hear from him when he wants something doing. My friend used to say that. Now I’m older, I wonder whether parents were missing her, but didn’t want to bother her unless for a “good reason”, ie needing practical help.

@EasterFlower ‘s post contains a lot of sense.

It’s not your job to fulfil your father’s every need. At any stage of life we have needs that are unmet, old age is no different . Trying to see something from the elder’s point of view isn’t trying to guilt you into changing your behaviour. By seeing his needs as less unreasonable, you can lessen the anger that you have. You’ve had the hell of a rant on here, and it’s good to let it out. But this amount of anger is doing you more harm than your father. So do what you can do, what you need to do for your own self respect. Accept that your father will have valid needs that aren’t met (as well as unreasonable demands and outdated expectations), and learn to see him as an opinionated elderly man and not a father whose approval you would like.

I imagine you may have been the golden child who got treated more favourably?

I had nowhere near the situation OP had, but still a father who showed clear favouritism & it did not feel good. It all became much clearer once our beloved mam passed.

There are 5 of us and we found out lots of money had gone to one sister over the years. We love her, but her poor financial decisions (and that of her DH) were not for my father to fix. The secrecy made the rest of us feel unimportant. Additionally, the rest of us had young children/ high mortgages/ child-care costs/ one brother was made redundant/ I became a single parent but only she was given large amounts of cash. It felt shit.

We have never discussed it with her- it wasn't her fault he was so unequal, and she is the loveliest sister- but it was so wrong.

He was a decent dad, if somewhat difficult/ cantankerous/ sexist at times. He treated my brothers poorly over the years, and his behaviour whilst she was ill was ill was the death knell for their relationship. When he died the will cut out my brothers & their children, whilst naming different amounts for the rest of us and the rest of the grandchildren: a veritable roll call of favouritism!

Because we are good people my sisters & I applied (at expense) to get the will changed (as mutual beneficiaries) to be equal split between all us siblings & grandchildren- exactly as it was before mam died.

So to those saying it's none of OP's business what he does with his money, it IS, as it's hurtful as hell.

Best wishes OP. Take a HUGE step back & look after your own family.

No POA but its obvious he gives his card to my brother who walks down the road into town and uses it. Of course Dad gives him permission to do this.

In Dads head hes always "desperate" so he'll say he had to give brother money so he could take him to hospital. Like he phones me and says hes "desperate" for me to visit because he needs shopping.

But you're right it is annoying when you see someone getting loads of money like he does. Its hard to ignore that.

Especially then a few days later hes trying to force me to do things......

I'll be way bottom of the list for money after this. I'm half expecting him to either cancel his hospital appt or my brother will take him and get £200 out of the deal.

Dad has had a lifetime of getting other people to think for him and do things for him. Hes not going to change now and take the patient transport - he'll pay my brother £200.

Sadly, I do think Dad has got mental problems. I've got no chance of getting him to the doctor though. But thinking back my childhood I think he always had problems with thinking for himself and not stressing. Thinking back when I was a kid Dad always had a small minded attitude and was scared of everything.

I’d broach getting POA (financial and health) with your Dad. As he’s anxious, you could say that you want to ensure that everything’s handled the way he’d want, rather than doctors making decisions on his behalf, for example. Same with his finances-if he’s ill, for example, you can make sure his bills are paid, no one gets hold of his bank card, etc.

I’ve got them for my Dad ( neither are activated yet, of course) and it gives him peace of mind knowing that I can act for him if necessary.

It does sound as if he needs to speak to his GP about his anxiety, you can’t cure him, he needs professional help.

@HamBone Costs money though POA doesn't it? If it cost a fiver Dad wouldn't want to spend any money......

Yes agreed. I'm not a doctor. Its never going to happen though because of his attitude towards mental health that he'll end up in a padded cell.

The other day he told me I'd made him worse because I was trying to shame him saying he had mental health problems - I can't win with that attitude.

I could have written this, but about my sister and mum. Eventually my mum had no more money left to give. There was nothing I could do about it. My sister is the one ten minutes round the corner, I'm 50 miles away, but it's still me that is on hand to help with all manner of things.
I do it because I love my mum and no one else will do it. You have to decide whether to step back or carry on regardless because it won't change. I'm no contact with my sister.

Well tonight's phone call - I knew what was coming and decided I wouldn't get wound up.

As expected, "so are you sure you can't take me Friday?". No Dad we only spoke Friday nothing has changed, the patient transport is still sorted.
"BUT, can't you do it FOR ME?" (this is an old favourite). "Sorry Dad I can't help but the transport is booked".

"Oh its booked is it? Do they know I need to wheelchair, do they know which dept to take me to?" (Told him all this last week he didn't listen).

So I managed not to get wound up. Still quietly fuming mind that he resorts to this guilt trip even after I've said no more than once. Its just not a way to behave.... Hey ho he'll never change. It does suck the life out of me having to bat it away all the time :-(

Registering POA is £82 each, so £164 for both.

If he can give your brother £200 when he asks, he can afford it. 🤷

@DelilahBucket Know what you mean.... I've stepped back because, a few years ago I basically had a choice. Do what Dad wanted probably end up getting divorced and not seeing my kids as much because of it or, do what I did, stopped doing it all for Dad.

I don't speak to brother. Wife doesn't speak to my brother or my Dad. All his fault without doubt.

For the sake of your own mental health perhaps it's time to step right back.

How long were you on the phone to him for? Try and look at the clock and give him say 5 or 10 mins and when that time comes end the call. I also found speaker phone better as I could do other things and the moaning wasnt directly in my ear. Running a bath and had to go was a good excuse as well. I think they all come with the same hymn sheet

@HamBone Thanks - must admit I thought it was a bit more than that....

If it was £5 he wouldn't do it though - hes that tight with money. But as you say, he'll give away £200 for a lift to hospital. Crazy.

Years ago the hospital called me - can you pick Dad up. I was working away, so literally 2-3 hours away. I spoke to Dad told him to get a taxi. He refused - would have been about £10. He sat all day to wait for the free patient transport.

His excuse "taxis are not for people like us". Crazy or what?

@doodleZ1 10 mins tops. Ha ha yes I've started putting him on speaker and half ignoring him. Works well.

Not sure why you care about the money to brother so much, it sounds like he has just as shit a time with him as you do.. except he’s found a way to at least get paid for all the bullshit he puts up with, fair play to him.

there’s a big part of you that looks down on your brother and his wife in EXACTLY the same way your dad looks down on you, I’d check that attitude, as you seem to recognise in it your dad but not yourself? It’s like you resent your brother for being able to say no to him unless he gets paid, because you have decided to be a martyr and think that makes you the “better” person somehow?

your dad is horrible to you, no doubt about that, but you’re a grown man and you’re letting him, no wonder it nearly ended in divorce, have some self respect and stop chasing the dream that your dad will suddenly become a decent human being.. because he won’t.

You don’t need his validation.

The basic cost of POA is the £82 to register each. So not vast sums.

But if you get it done via a solicitor it'll cost a lot more.

A friend has just had to go through getting deputyship though as their mum failed to do POA and that was a nightmare both for length of time taken and costs involved. Worth pointing that out to him?

Is he from a wartime generation? Remembers rationing etc?

Mine wouldn't dream of taking a taxi as she was brought up not to 'waste money' and taxis were viewed as an unnecessary extravagance. It's a totally different mindset thing - I've tried pointing out the cost vs buying and maintaining a car but that doesn't seem to work.

Mine also likes saving money on postage stamps by driving around hand delivering things, even though in terms of petrol and time taken that's far more expensive!

@EmotionalBlackmail Yep. You guessed it.
I'm from a South Wales valleys mining background and they were, apparently, very poor.

Dad uses this excuse often that he doesn't like wasting money. In reality, he has zero grip on how much things cost. Worse of all he'll do without things just because. Hes got so much saved he could never spend it all.