Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

And also, if anybody else’s parent has had C. difficile, and the antibiotics haven’t worked, what then? What happens then? Especially if they have other health conditions. My mom doesn’t really like to drink liquids, she has Pedialyte, but she’s losing a lot of weight and it’s very scary for me to watch, and since it is very contagious, she’s isolated. And I don’t know what to do…

@Hellokittymania I have no medical training but some life experiences and used to work for environmental health many moons ago - this sounds truly horrid for your mother and for you to watch. The worry is obvs dehydration, in hospital they would likely give her a drip to get in fluids if it has gone on this long, is someone checking her BP. Who is looking after her? If antiobiotics aren’t working a dr should be reviewing.

I have to hope that some youngsters have and am sure do have more empathy - I know a few 20 year olds at medical school …. Although that’s another story. But on the other hand I like to think that they are not carrying the weight of the world just yet. Maybe those you work with just don’t know what to say.

So many of you having all sorts of tough issues, too many to know how to answer but some familiar and some that I think will become more familiar as now my DM showing more signs that she is struggling. With DD telling me just now that world war three has broken out (between him and DM) because she doesn’t know what time we are arriving today - for a weekend visit. He got told to ring and ask ‘how we are getting on?’ I have made it clear on the phone many times and on emails confirming this trip, that when DH works from home on a Friday that means he is working usual hours, 7.30 am to 5.30 pm. ! So my mother thinks he can ignore that and stop at 4 to avoid the traffic. I don’t know if she forgets or is just stubborn and thinks if she says it enough DH will risk his job to please her🙁

good news - Barclays sorted out online PoA banking at last for MiL. Really fab young women was determined to get it done without me having to make a branch appointment etc. She had empathy! I told her she was a genius😁.

hope so of you get a break and biscuits and a glass of something over the weekend.

DB called he's come down for the weekend and visited mum no joy re who did the garden work and charged her about 3x a reasonable price. And her fridge has rancid food again, other brother gmfound the same last week. She has 1 care visit a day, self funded. They only have to check she's OK (I.e. not on the floor and not obviously ill) and check the fridge. Even if they did the fridge check twice a week it would be enough but yet again they are failing.

June day, my poor mom is on her own, I’m trying to find some help for her, and I’m hoping that being around somebody who has something as contagious as C. difficile won’t keep them away. My mom is having difficulty even with things like changing her bedsheets, and as you say, yes, it’s difficult because she doesn’t like drinking liquids, And she hast to try and drink things like her Pedialyte

@Juneday mine simply doesn't understand WFH. She seems to assume it equals a day off, possibly because she has no idea how online meetings work or documents as her IT skills are very limited. But she also never worked in an office and hasn't worked at all for decades so she has little idea what I do all day anyway.

She got a shock when she invited herself to stay one time and stayed over onto a day when I was WFH. She appeared to be anticipating lengthy chats over cups of tea. Instead she spent the day on her own with my home office door firmly shut as I was in meetings all day!

Emotional blackmail, that is very hard. My mom is old-school, but she has a very difficult time understanding that I need to actually be doing things, including working, I am visually impaired. I just bought a home a couple of months ago and I’m struggling, partly because I still don’t have anything to keep me busy and feeling like I belong in the community here. I live in Greece, today has been a rough day in general and it’s one of those days where I wish I was in the UK.

@Hellokittymania there are possible other treatments, has her doctor said anything?

Permanent temporary, no, she lives in Florida, the healthcare system in general there is not great, and she’s on her own and she doesn’t advocate enough for what she needs. My sister‘s boyfriend is a urologist and went with her to one of her appointments when nothing else was working, he might have to do the same to get her the care she needs.

Oh no @Hellokittymania that sounds really difficult being in a new place. We did a big relocation two years ago (albeit within same country!) and I found it took a lot longer to settle than I thought it would. We're very very happy with the move now but it's been a big of a slog to get to this stage.
I tried to do something I enjoyed every day (even if it was only reading a chapter of a book with a coffee!).
Good luck!

Emotional blackmail, I have had this place for five months now and, yes it’s very hard, sometimes I think being a homeowner is overrated, and it’s a lot of work. I do try and do little things to make my life easy, and happy, I posted another thread a few weeks ago about my experience with a cleaner and taking advantage of me… I still have not been able to find a cleaner who just only wants to come and clean, and doesn’t tell me my sofa is in the wrong place, I need to put curtains, etc. etc. My home fits my needs, even though I do feel like renting it out and just leaving. it’s the one time I have been able to put my furniture in places where I can navigate my home easily, dance around when I want and not have to worry about falling over tables and chairs…

Oh dear @Hellokittymania but it sounds like you might be in the worst phase now so the only way is up?!
I found 4-6 months after the move the hardest - lots of excitement and adrenaline to make the move happen and initially settling in. Then went into a sort of hump of missing the old stuff, having to get things sorted etc.
After that it started to get better.

Emotional blackmail, I hope so… I wish I could find out if there was a volunteering association in my area, Greeks don’t seem to volunteer much, but doing something like this would help to keep me busy and keep my mind occupied. A lot of blind people in Greece, work in the government or public sector, which I can’t do as a foreigner. I am looking into setting up my own business, but again, I live in a smaller area, which has a very specific, and quite negative attitude towards disability, it is improving, but it takes time… I’m thinking of possibly doing some thing online. There was a café here, which hired people with autism and so on, but it closed down, and I have a feeling it might have closed because of peoples attitudes toward disability. I know the café was in a strange location, but I also don’t think people are going much…

and a funny one, but not so funny, thanks for the title of the thread, I have had a giant cockroach in my bedroom every night this week… I have been trying to hear where it is going, so I can spray it, but even with loads of spray, it is still alive and well and moving around.

Oh, and newest of the day, I had a huge argument with my mother, I know she is on well, I’m trying to be supportive of her while going through all of this. My mom does not live in Greece, and just can’t put herself in my shoes at the moment. She wanted me to have a home, which I have, but at the end of the day, it is my home, I will do as I want to with it, and I don’t need the strings attached, or to feel guilty every time I don’t do as she wants. I might have a disability, yes, but I have done so much in my lifetime , and I think part of her protective nurses just for her own benefit, not from mine. It is some thing for her to do.

MiL orthopaedic appointment was brought forward. Care home rang and said they found the screw in her bed and plaster removed. This is the screw that has become exposed! We are told she cooperated and had an x-ray and is back on antiobiotics because of infection worries. We were away but another family member due to visit her at the nursing home so waiting to hear their feed back however, I had an email from senior nurse who said MiL just wants to sleep and her care needs now are 24 hours a day. She didn’t elaborate. As we don’t have PoA on health & well being I assume we just wait to find out what this all means. 🤔🙁

Hi everyone, just an update, I am feeling a lot more relaxed and not so stressed, I think I might have found a cleaner, this was my third attempt and I just set up front, I’m dealing with a lot of stress, I have a sick mother, I’m a foreigner in a new country with a new home, and I don’t want to be taken advantage of like I have with the other two cleaners. I want to pay someone to do as I ask around my home, and to listen. I think she finally got it.

I also had a really good nights sleep, which I haven’t had in a long time. I did not get to go away to Crete for my birthday, but I found out yesterday there was an earthquake on Sunday, and I would have been there. We just had fires and an ammunition warehouse explosion here where I live, and I don’t think I would’ve wanted an earthquake on top of everything else. I am not a big fan of them, they really scare me and I’m still having nightmares from the fires… It’s like everything is over my head right now and it’s so difficult.

I thought about things with the home for a while, I think I will compromise and just do what makes my mom happy, when she’s not here, I can think about what to do, but it does keep the peace between us. I know as a mom who has a daughter with a disability, she does get very concerned, and I tried to put myself in her shoes. But on the other hand it is very difficult to be dealing with everything here, and on top of it I’m not sleeping very much, and somebody pointed out yesterday I’m not eating very much, because I’m trying to support her and do everything else and settle here.

I do have a second bedroom here, she loved this place when she came to help me to find it. I’m not sure if she will be well enough to come here, which I have mixed feelings about. I really wish she would come here, she would have company, she would have help, and being here wouldn’t cause her to worry so much about me. I know she’s comfortable in Florida, but she is alone and she’s not leaving her house and is very isolated.

it’s a tough one, and yesterday, when I was having a very bad day, my friends reached out and said they’re there, they will support me with whatever I need, and one suggested maybe I can also see a psychologist to help to find ways of dealing with major stress. It is not easy to be doing what I’m doing, and I have a disability on top of it in a country which isn’t really disability friendly. I was doing a lot on Greek TikTok, but it was to help families with people with disabilities, but I’m giving away a lot of my privacy, and in general, I’m a very private person and when you’re feeling down and you also have lots of comments from strangers who think they know your life, it doesn’t help. I had thought of setting up a website, specifically for Greece, with information, with webinars, with some videos on how to cook, how to do activities, things that you find in England very easily, but not so easily here. It might also help me to have some privacy because TikTok, as some of you may know, is full of teenagers, who say whatever they want and forget there is a person on the other side who is trying to handle so much.

These are private carers?

I'm not sure if I'm still tired from the breakdown or in freeze mode.

I had a productive couple of days but paying the price today I think. Cancelled a visit to see mum as it wasn't going to do me any good. Sis and I both asked if mum would extend her respite stay. She said no.

So she's due back next week. People, including my own friends, are talking to me like I should be fine now, after three weeks.

She's organising her own care for her return. I am keeping out of it. I'm not sure whether I should visit again before her return or not.

I feel overwhelmed by even the smallest tasks I have to do for myself.

@EmmaEmerald do not visit before hee return. If ever I’m doing between two options, do less not more at the moment

Sorry, I meant “if ever choosing”!

People/your friends can think what they like, it is your health and your body, not theirs

People, including my own friends, are talking to me like I should be fine now, after three weeks.

I feel overwhelmed by even the smallest tasks I have to do for myself.

.......which just shows that three weeks is nowhere near long enough to get over what has happened to you, @EmmaEmerald

You need a good long rest, without distractions and stressors. I'm sorry your friends (and probably your mother, too) are failing to understand.

Tbh the visit is more for my benefit

I feel as if I would like to know what care she has in place

but maybe I shouldn't know?

Maybe, if it is unsuitable, you might feel tempted to spring into action to make improvements?

Wouldn't it be better just to let it happen - whatever "it" is - and if your mother has made a hideous mistake, let it dawn on her that you were right in the first place?

Good point, thank you.

Emerald, I really feel for you. I live in an ocean away from my mother, and she is not very forthcoming in exactly what is going on, I think partly not to worry me because I am also going through my fair share of a difficult time right now. It’s hard…

as far as being tired and doing little things, I also understand that. Can you at least try to focus on two things each day that will help you to take care of yourself, like eating enough and sleeping enough? Hard to do, I know. even if you are too tired to cook, can you maybe prepare some basic and easy things that will keep you going, salads, yogurt, fruit, if this is an issue for you.

@EmmaEmerald self funded but organised via the council. This way we can pay for 1 x 15 mins at a lower rate. If we go to a private contract it will be minimum 45 minutes at a higher rate. Mum only needs someone to check she's upright and the fridge is OK.