Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@EmmaEmerald I think your friends are not really understanding the difference between a breakdown and 'things just getting on top of you'. In the latter, yes - a holiday or a few days to regroup, is enough. More resolve ready to get back in there again. But you had a breakdown. It's a real thing and built up from years of responding and responsibility. It doesn't matter if others have 'coped' with far worse; it doesn't matter whether other people think you should be 'getting over it'. You know the immense feelings of overwhelm. Listen to that and trust your only judgement about yourself.

Take more time.

You 'knowing what care is in place' is you taking on partial responsibility - again- and far too soon. Be gentle on yourself, and gently let go of the need to know, or worry, about what care is in place.

EmmaEmerald, you cannot provide this level of suport and care (or any level) if you do not have your own inner strength. Take time to recuperate, to build up your inner confidence and resources (including the confidence to say 'no').

Things for your Mum will either work out, or they won't. Let it be.

@EmmaEmerald please take more time out! Three weeks isn't enough!

I've had a breakdown - not caused by elderly parents but work - years ago and I was also anticipating being back up and running within a few weeks. I don't want to scare you but it took me about nine months in the end, partly because I'd got into such a bad place beforehand. I did emerge out the other side stronger and more able than before but it was a long process!

@countrygirl99 MIL's council-organised carers didn't go through the fridge. It wasn't part of their contract with the council - if you paid privately then they would do all sorts of things that weren't included in the council contract. After it was pointed out that she had no sense of taste or smell and had been very ill in hospital for nearly three weeks because she'd given herself food poisoning it became possible.

@EmmaEmerald If your mother has sorted out her own care then let her. It's good experience for her and there's no reason for you to be double checking her work unless you are asked to do so. Let her live her own life for as long as possible (leaving you to get on with living yours). You are stepping back remember, so step back.

As for me, I think I'm done with visiting MIL every week. She doesn't know who I am and she can't wait to be rid of me which she does by announcing that she's tired and going to bed. It's a fifty minute round trip and I spend about ten minutes attempting to make conversation. She doesn't want me there, I don't want to be there and the only real reason I'm there is .. well I'm not sure really. It's the guilt and shame thing I suppose. If she was in the home that my mother was in, five minutes door to door, I wouldn't mind. It's the travel time that I begrudge.

@Knotaknitter it gets complicated. If the council were paying they wouldn't cover going through the fridge as a task but because we are paying we could specify that as a task. We get the lower rate as they just include the time on the council invoice and the council recharge us. Even with the management fee from the council (£10 per month) it sav3s a huge amount of money. The savings wouldn't be as large if she had multiple or longer visits but at the moment she pays about a 3rd of the cost it would be if it was a direct contract due to the minimum daily charge.

countrygirl Sorry to say but could it be the council link and the 15 mins that's part of the problem?

I don't know what the £ situation is of course, but it's such a small window of time, I'm impressed how much can be done in that time but it will depend on the person and councils have roolz even if self funding.

hellokitty yes, I am making sure to eat well but I'm occasionally getting that feeling of being so tired, it doesn't make a difference? But I am on it. Nice bowl of strawberries for afternoon snack awaits.

Emotional I had a breakdown in my 20s and was back at work within a week. I stayed with my parents for a month so no cooking or cleaning etc but I found the breakdown was rock bottom. I didn't feel the physical effects so nuch but I think that's probably due to being much younger. Also, I wasn't on meds at that time, so starting them gave me a huge boost. This time I was already maxed out on meds.

I guess also life takes it out of you. I had to politely ask my young boyfriend to stop saying cheery stuff. I don't want to burst his bubble but he's still of the school of "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" whereas I find myself thinking, how much shit and burnout can one person take in a lifetime?!

I agree with posters saying knowing about care is taking on more responsibility. I will ponder. I do think it will be useful to know if it's daily or whatever.

The reality is, I do need help from others and if those others are not happy with me completely stepping away, I can't ask for help for myself IYSWIM. One set of mum's neighbours, I consider to be family. And they're round the corner so...I appreciate I'm hyperconscious because of previous major injury, but if I needed help myself, they are the people I'd call. Though interestingly, they are split - the husband doesn't understand why I can't cope, the wife does understand and was hoping mum would stay in the care home too.

My boyfriend and best friend are about two hours away and best friend has elderly parent issues.

@EmmaEmerald all they need to do is check she is OK as in not actually ill/lying on the floor and check the fridge a couple of times a week. 15 minutes is ample. They do it when DB has called to complain but it tails off after 2-3 months and we have to complain again. Mum has clearly lost her sense of smell as there have been times when the smell in her fridge has made me want to throw up. I go up once a fortnight and I live the closest but not close enough to check more regularly.
Mum is at that really difficult stage where she can mostly look after herself provided everything is routine (other than realising how long food has been sitting in the fridge) but non routine stuff is a nightmare. She doesn't realise how much support she needs as she doesn't remember the crises and thinks she looks after her finances even though DB has sorted her insurances and paid non direct debit bills since before dad died. She will go off and try and organise maintenance but make a hash of it or not realise something needs doing so there's a different crisis. What she really needs is to live with someone who knows to check whether she's switched the boiler off before she phones British Gas to get an engineer out or put the rest of the packet of fish fingers in the freezer not the fridge where it lingers for a fortnight or to say that mice in the kitchen need dealing with. That's hard to do from a distance but isn't something carers will cover.

And thinking about it mum is sometimes out when they come late morning so clearly not ill/on the floor - she has activities most days Monday to Friday. Those days they could check the fridge and be out in less than 10 minutes without risking mum giving them grief.

sorry countrygirl that's so hard to manage.

what's your mum like? Would she tolerate welfare visits?

is there anyone at a local church who'd help? I've sorted this for people in the past (not mum).

We've had a small breakthrough! I took nan in the car to the Supermarket and she walked around with her walker to get her shopping (with me close behind). She was tired after but seemed to cheer her up no end! Her nephew has been in to see her today so I've had a rest - back to it tomorrow!

@EmmaEmerald my mother sees no need for help because she has no insight into her condition. For example mum thinks she manages her finances and has no need of any help. At the beginning of the year we discovered she hadn't paid her paper bill for over 2 months. Since then DB has been paying by bank transfer. Mum hasn't noticed she isn't being billed. DB pays the council invoice for the carers each month by bank transfer. Mum does realise she is paying. DB has sorted out all the insurance renewals for 2 years, Mum thinks she does it. Lots of smiling and nodding goes on

countrygirl let me guess - she's been assessed as having full capacity?

if there's lots of smiling and nodding, a church helper might be even more a good idea?

Checking in with an anecdote I’m sure will be a story with a familiar theme to many. Do I laugh or swear?

Visited mum to take her to the elderly care clinic where they focus on her dementia and Parkinson’s symptoms. On days where she has a medical appointment I go the night before which enables me to do her shopping at the local 24hr supermarket, get some sleep and then up at normal time working from her dining table most of the day excepting time out for the hospital. (I have a marvellous supportive boss).

Noticed a long graze on her arm, and she airily said she’d fallen, but the carer had helped her clean it and put on some antiseptic. She’s not had many falls recently so I made sure we mentioned it at the clinic. They were on the case straight away, she got the full interrogation. . Turns out she’d been standing on a flipping stool to look for something on top of the wardrobe - the woman who wobbles like a weeble just getting up from the bed to the toilet. aaargh. And was she wearing her fall alarm? Like hell she was. Double aaargh.

On a positive note, she actually had a conversation with the doctor rather than single word responses like last time. Who I’m sure I spotted biting her lips when mum confessed the circumstances of her fall and my voice got a bit loud with “you never told me that bit! Bloody hell mum!”. In fact I think the whole waiting room heard.

funnel it's good you were that loud, everyone knows you don't approve!

Well her hearing isn’t what it used to be you know.

@Nodancingshoes that sounds positive and I hope you got a bit of a break. @funnelfan shouldn’t laugh because it could have been so much worse than a graze! I think my mother is going to go for a falls alarm as she is also like a weeble, she can’t stand still without feeling wobbly, but can walk very slowly with help. Refuses a stick of course. She has said she will only put it on when alone in the house. (Essentially when my father is out).

third time lucky for me today, hospital equipment has been picked up from the flat after they twice went to the wrong place!

stuck is slightly grey area of SW saying MiL respite care must now be permanent and what she meant by ‘looking into NHS’ funding and what happens in the interim. Explained the possibilities to DH as he is the person who gets the calls from SW.

discovered my DM tells my father to drive at 20 mph at all times unless on a dual carriageway 😮. I tried to explain he might actually cause an accident if a frustrated driver tries to overtake. She can’t see it. DD is 87 and has never been a great driver, always distracted, doesn’t wear his glasses or have hearing aid in when driving. But DVLA seem happy to renew his licence. He doesn’t seem to have noticed we always insist on driving. Will compare notes with siblings again on this.

@Juneday ah, the perennial driving dilemma. We were fortunate in never having to have had THAT conversation - Dad had strokes and realised himself he'd never be safe to drive again, and Mum had a couple of minor incidents (misjudged overtaking a parked car was one) that shook her confidence and she realised the insurance money would pay for a lot of taxis instead.

Its a big loss of independence not being able to jump in the car and go somewhere if you're used to it, so I do sympathise but the idea that your dad isn't even wearing his glasses or hearing aids when driving makes me . I would think that he's been very lucky that everyone else around him has been paying attention and made allowances for his driving. This is one area though of their life that does impact other people if he caused an accident so I'd be tempted to follow this one up. Age UK has some good advice. https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/travel-hobbies/driving/worried-about-someones-driving/

Thank you for that I will share with my siblings too @funnelfan and I agree with all you say. There is part of me that feels he needs that sort of shock minor incident - he did have an expensive repair that he says must have been someone hitting his car in a car park. We suspect him hitting an object in a car park is more likely. And taxis will be the solution and are being used on occasion, but my parents swear there is only one man in the area who is prepared to be a taxi driver and so very busy. I am going to research further. They are very poorly served on the bus front and can’t get to the bus stop anyway. They can afford a taxi account but they do go out every day so they need to grin and bear it. Recently they have become busy with U3A - I just hope designated driver is someone with better skills!

I've gone all tearful and I think it's because I miss my mum

but which version?

also strong sense of depersonalisation.

Oh actually I might mean derealisation.

@EmmaEmerald as in nothing seems quite real? That would seem to indicate that you're still quite poorly and needing to heal mentally. I'm sorry to have lost track with all the conversations going on here - have you seen a GP following your breakdown?

@Juneday please do pursue this one - it doesn't seem fair that the only way your dad will see sense is through an event that causes damage to someone elses' property and potentially causes someone else injury.

funnel the GP thing is complicated, we initially felt an increase in dosage and some diazepam for sleep would do. I suppose it's worse now because mum is due back home. The only way to get an urgent appointment is now to fill in a form online at 6.30am - well you can do it later but I imagine chances are better the earlier you do it.

I wonder if a change of meds would be better. I found zolpidem good for sleep when dad was dying but they don't like prescribing it.

this is so much a case of the situation, I wonder if it's going to make any difference?

another factor is - spoilt brat alert - I bought a small flat, teeny, near mum, but my other flat remains unsold. I could go back there and rent this one out. I didn't appreciate the size of the other one till I lived in this one. Horrible rough area though. And I don't know what happens with mum emergencies if I do that.

there is a buyer for my flat but his mortgage offer was withdrawn and for a bonkers reason, if the truth is being told. So he won't be hugely surprised if I pull out.

I don't think I'm in a fit condition to make good judgements atm.

Juneday have you alerted his doctor?

I told mum's doctor I'd take the car keys myself if I had to. There was a tiny bit of sulking but not much.

@EmmaEmerald & @funnelfan i was thinking about contacting his GP and also trying to find out who his insurance is with. I know you can make contact with DVLA. I discussed this with sister and SiL and SiL was saying please don’t they will be devastated to loose their freedom…. I have a friend whose DB actually cut wires so the car wouldn’t start because mother wouldn’t hand over keys despite severe issues with dementia. She thought the car had a fault and simply gave up on driving them. In contrast my father got mothers car MOT and reinsured it even though she can’t and won’t drive. He is cross that she stopped driving 🙁. I have had a few fall outs with him over the years, he ruined my 60th family do that I didn’t want but both parents insisted I had. DH and I bite our tongues all the time because he is so keen to be centre of attention which often includes saying things to cause an argument. He had a moment when I offered to show him something on my phone about the Lionesses ‘screaming about awful IT and phones.’ If I challenged every claim and idiotic statement he made we would argue continually. My brother finds the same. My sister not so much. DM is far from easy - but she did stop him going further on his anti phone rant!!

I am sure many of us have wondered if our parents weren’t our parents but contemporaries would we be friends? I think I would quickly find my father very irritating and likely not. My mother whilst having no whilst being a little narrow and not interested in reading, is nevertheless astute, a great judge of people and loves cooking and gardening and interiors, so we can find common ground and she is rarely confrontational with me. I think I would be friends with her. But she doesn’t suffer fools and can be very stubborn! We might fall out -she has done with a few friends and I her sister on and off.

I am more of a people pleaser I think.

I discussed this with sister and SiL and SiL was saying please don’t they will be devastated to loose their freedom

@Juneday i understand, but you have to ask your sister and SIL how devastated they would be if they had an accident. How confident are you they’d be able to deal with a pet or child running in the road? Someone crossing the road against the lights? Overtaking a cyclist? Manoeuvring safely in and out of spaces in car parks? Not getting confused and driving the wrong way down a one way street or a dual carriageway? It doesn’t have to be a “big” accident at speed to have a terrible impact on them and others.

I’m hoping self drive cars will be the thing by the time I’m that age and I can simply get in and tell it where to go and it will then take itself off to park and charge before taking me home.

June I'm surprised at your sister's view. The potential for killing some poor soul is huge.

for me, it was a non-negotiable and I am in contact with her GP, sit in on appts etc so it was easy. Do you accompany to appts?