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Elderly parents

Siblings want to put mum in a home

286 replies

Florencenightingalewasfab · 01/02/2023 23:01

( I'll split this into two posts as it's quite long)Mum ( now in late 70's) sold her home and gave all the money to my sister for a 2 bed 'granny flat' ( to be built on the side of my sister's home. Sister took her money and built mum a ONE bedroom extension and also managed to gain a new bedroom into the bargain. So mum didn't get what she wanted and no one could come to stay in "her" flat, Sis used the 'extra' bedroom in her house - sorry - I digress. Mum dud this on the understanding that she wouldn't have to go into a ( old people's home ). Mum also gave full access to BIL and sis to her bank account

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Florencenightingalewasfab · 01/02/2023 23:09

Part two. Mum has been in hospital recently for short stays and sis now wants to put her in a home as she says mum at risk of falling and she can't be at home all day everyday. Mum is mentally fully functioning although speech not so great now. Drs have advised mum needs nebuliser at home and for safety, to wear an alarm round her neck. Mum has refused. Sis says she has offered to get carers to help but mum says no. Other 2 siblings now agree she should go into a home. I think it's unfair that sis and bil have taken all mums money - gained a ( now) 5 bedroom house Inc an granny flat- which, when they sell, they will make a huge profit from) whilst mum is put in a home. I did ask how mums care fees would be funded and was informed that the state would pay as she has no house to sell!! Opinions?.

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GoldilockMom · 01/02/2023 23:11

You need some legal advice for your mum!
Your sister has done her a huge disservice.

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DeskChair · 01/02/2023 23:12

Maybe talk to your mum and say if she accepts the carers she’s can stay in her home? The one bed flat didn’t just appear as a surprise one day there would have been plans and builders etc. Maybe she wants to go into a home?

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Hellocatshome · 01/02/2023 23:14

What does your mum think?

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afinishedkiss · 01/02/2023 23:14

Your sister is one sly dog.

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saraclara · 01/02/2023 23:16

Of course this could be counted as deprivation of assets. In which case sis will have to pay some of that back.

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Toddlerteaplease · 01/02/2023 23:16

It does sound really unfair on the face of it. But did your sister under estimate the stain of caring for your mum? Or has seen that it's going to get more difficult in the future, and feels she can't do it.

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saraclara · 01/02/2023 23:19

To be fair, if your mum refuses the breathing assistance she needs and refuses to wear an alarm, I'd be worried about looking after her, too. It's a big responsibility if her health is that poor, and sis can't be sure that she'd know of her mum fell, or couldn't breathe.

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FlamingoCroquet · 01/02/2023 23:19

Your siblings can't 'put' her in a home. It's your mum's decision whether to move or not, unless she lacks mental capacity and your sister has power of attorney.

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Florencenightingalewasfab · 01/02/2023 23:19

DeskChair · 01/02/2023 23:12

Maybe talk to your mum and say if she accepts the carers she’s can stay in her home? The one bed flat didn’t just appear as a surprise one day there would have been plans and builders etc. Maybe she wants to go into a home?

I'm over 90 miles away so not easy to talk to her plus usually either Bil or sis is there.
Mum doesn't want to go in a home
I didn't see the plans so ive no idea.
I wonder if I rang the hospital, whether they would let me speak to mum. Thing is I don't want to stress her out too much- she's already had chest pains and in a nebuliser

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ditalini · 01/02/2023 23:19

If your mum has capacity then she can't be put into a home against her will, however an alarm and a care package sounds reasonable on the face of it - why is your mum against the alarm?

What sort of paperwork exists for this transfer of funds for a granny flat? If she goes into a home now then the council may claim deliberate deprivation of assets.

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DeirdreRashid · 01/02/2023 23:21

Fuck me your sister is a sly piece of work

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Mojoyoyo · 01/02/2023 23:22

If your mum has mental capacity she can’t be forced to go into a home.

What does she say about it all ?

I agree your mum should also see a lawyer.

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Florencenightingalewasfab · 01/02/2023 23:23

Like I say, I don't know about the paperwork or plans. Mum moved years ago to be near my sister, then sold her home and moved into the granny flat

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Christmaspyjamas · 01/02/2023 23:24

What's your birth position and what have you done? You literally sound like a younger sibling who has done nothing and know is getting guilt and thinking of inheritance

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sevenbyseven · 01/02/2023 23:26

How long ago did your mum sell her home?

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justasking111 · 01/02/2023 23:26

Your mother is refusing a nebuliser, an alarm, carers, I can see your families point of view.

You can't keep her safe 90 miles away, no-one can be there every minute. My friends siblings flew into the UK last month because of a similar issue. They've finally got mum to agree to go into a home and give up her flat.

It's a horrible time and you're not there every day to witness or experience it. You should go visit to get a more accurate impression.

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NearlyMidnight · 01/02/2023 23:26

How long ago?

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Florencenightingalewasfab · 01/02/2023 23:28

My sis ( well, her sleazy bullying gaslighting DH) are like the Gestapo. To ring and speak to mum is a challenge in itself ( if they answer the phone). When I've visited in the past, ( besides not being made exactly welcome), mums never left alone. I've usually opted to take her out for a couple of hours. She struggles to get in the car now and uses a walking frame. From previous experience mum will be dismissive and we'll end up rowing because she can't see what my sis and bil are doing / have done. They can do no wrong .......

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ShippingNews · 01/02/2023 23:29

Nobody can be placed in care on the say-so of a family member. They have to be assessed as needing to be in a care home. You need to have a family discussion about this , keeping in mind that you are not in a position to make much of a contribution to her care.

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Florencenightingalewasfab · 01/02/2023 23:29

Around 7 ish years ago I think

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LolaSmiles · 01/02/2023 23:31

Your sister sounds like she has been sly in the handling of the extension and granny flat. It's awfully convenient how she stands to gain so much.

However, if we assume the best and that your sister did intend for your mum to live there instead of an old people's home I can see how it might feel challenging now when your mum is refusing to use the nebuliser, refusing to wear a safety alarm, and is refusing carers. If your mum has mental capacity it's up to her to decline whatever care she wishes, but it isn't unreasonable for the sibling that has so far been the carer to feel differently as situations change.

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Florencenightingalewasfab · 01/02/2023 23:33

I think I'm also upset/ annoyed that mum moved to sisters and gave her control of all her money and now she's left with nothing. I feel like she's been used for my sister's financial gain.

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RoseBucket · 01/02/2023 23:35

So your mum is a fall risk, refusing to follow medical advice and the offer of assistance of carers? What more can your sister do?

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LadyJ2023 · 01/02/2023 23:35

Hmmm your so far away and you don't do a lot and doesnt sound like you get on great either with some family. I'm really sorry but you sound annoyed you may get no money if anything happens her. To me I don't care aslong as my parents were happy and cared for and warm and comfy etc money can be spent however they wish it on whatever they wish. It wasn't your money, your mum made a decision you sound jealous to me tbh.. maybe concentrate on family and making it work trust me it's so much more important

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