Siblings want to put mum in a home

[Florencenightingalewasfab]

( I'll split this into two posts as it's quite long)Mum ( now in late 70's) sold her home and gave all the money to my sister for a 2 bed 'granny flat' ( to be built on the side of my sister's home. Sister took her money and built mum a ONE bedroom extension and also managed to gain a new bedroom into the bargain. So mum didn't get what she wanted and no one could come to stay in "her" flat, Sis used the 'extra' bedroom in her house - sorry - I digress. Mum dud this on the understanding that she wouldn't have to go into a ( old people's home ). Mum also gave full access to BIL and sis to her bank account

cant they pay for carers to come in?

sorry just re-read
she either needs carers or a home

I've read this - as a not uncommon situation. That a relative afar not doing daily support doesn't believe relative (who's been doing that support for years)and not fully understanding how disabled & level of needs parent has become or how it may be extremely difficult when parent expects relative to provide all their care 24/7 and refuses equipment or carers to assist.

When you get a social worker assess , they assess needs talk about realistic options , talk with client and it's an independent voice. I think that might help in this situation where relatives may have different perceptions of mums care needs. Ultimately if mum had no legal part ownership of their main carer (daughter)'a house, then her right to continue living there is limited to being 'with agreement of whose house it is', without anAST tenancy which you cannot get for living with a resident landlord.

As I said before - 7 years of support living in someone else's house is quite considerable and would be costed quite highly.

So for eg living in a shared lives (adult placement) house with meals drinks meds done and general supervision & taking out a bit, would be in region of £465- 565 a week plus three days a week if day care (so £200-300 pw) in our LA and long term and arrangement for rent (but mum paid for extension so you'd expect no rent) .

Now times that by 7 years x12 months x 565 and you can see how quickly she'd have burnt through her money as a self funder. £6,800 a year £48k for 7 years. That's before you include additional carers for personal care etc help and possibly 24/7 assistance with supervising mobility to and from toilet etc as and when her needs increased, which might have escalated at some point to nearer to residential placement or live in carer level - so between £750-£1250 per week. At live in carer level as a self funder mum could have spent £70k in a year alone on care. That your Dsis has done for free or just for £90 per week attendance allowance.

Until you have that independent needs assessment if would be difficult to say what mums needs are, I would think the hospital discharge teams have given advice. If they have said mums needs are at residential care level, given they look to alternatives to keep people home, then that's a bit of a heads up.

Just for mums £90 per week AA I meant

Are you doing this with your mother's knowledge and permission? Will she sign the lease for it? Are you planning on doing this for sheltered housing near you and taking on a caring role or where she lives and still expecting your dsis to take on a caring role?

When I've spoken about shared lives I meant if it was a contractual arrangement with an independent party not family.

Was just trying to explain to OP how her Dsis may not (and we don't know exact financial details nor all Mums needs) have been to her mothers detriment

OP I'm in your DSis' position. Multiple other siblings, some live hundreds of miles away some live on the doorstep. When DM is incontinent, I'm the one cleaning up. I'm the one who hasn't had a full, proper nights sleep in 10 years because even when they're asleep when they're a falls risk or have medical needs you're only ever half a sneeze away from being awake. I'm the one checking medications are right, prescriptions have been ordered, food and drink is in, clothes are washed, beds are made/changed, hair and nails cut, showered, teeth done, arranging the bloody endless medical appointments. I'm the one that can't leave the house for more than three hours at a time, and even that's only thanks to my DH being at home to keep an eye on DM. She's refusing sensible medical care. Why? She's refusing carers. Why? What did DSis say when asked about the granny flat/bedroom situation? What is she using it for? I'm using DM's bedroom as my office because I had to start working from home to make sure she was safe. You say you want to get involved; I'm sorry, it's too late. I say that because I've been there. DSis decided she wanted to help with DM. Took her out. Brilliant. Except she took her to places way beyond DM's capability think she was as sprightly as she was ten years ago. Needed a group of blokes to carry her wheelchair down the bloody stairs with DM in it, and back up again. No concept of what would have happened if they'd dropped her. If you genuinely want to be involved I suggest packing your bags and moving in for six-twelve months minimum to begin getting an idea of just how bloody hard it is. Then start criticising. Until then, if your DM has capacity she won't be going anywhere near a care home. If she doesn't, your sister will (rightly) be in a heavy position to sway the decision because it's her life that's been given up.

You were tricked into wearing the red shoes and now you have no choice but to dance yourself to death ☹️

@Tirednest completely disagree with you. The mother instigated moving in with the sister as needed supported accommodation but had preference for staying with family.

The Granny annex was built with the exception that second bedroom couldn’t be accommodated within and was instead put on the second storey. Likely a planning issue. I would suspect the unavailability of said room to OP has more to do with OP being uninvolved and distant from the family, rather than anything else.

It’s now several years later, the Mother could continue living there with outside support, but is refusing this. This is the reason that the home is being looked at. They aren’t trying to diddle the system, money was spent where and when it needed to be spent on care dictated by the mothers preference and needs at the time. Potentially she’d be able to go on until death in the sisters home but she isn’t willing to cooperate.

This is a needs issue. As a carer I can fully understand how unbearably difficult the situation can be when the person involved refuses help and puts you in this impossible situation where their needs aren’t met and they endanger themselves.

This sounds familiar, are you sure that your Mum is refusing to co-operate or is that what your sister is saying? If your sister had built a two bed extension like she said she would the carer could have the second room. Does your sister generally tell the truth or is she ruthless and manipulative?

Another way of looking at this, is to acknowledge that you have saved over £500k in care fees, with your Mum being at your sisters for the past 7 years.

I doubt your sister's extension put £500k extra value on the house, so I would say that you are all square really.