Elderly parents
How do I make peace with this?
MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:03
DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?
MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:26
@janeeyreair the upset was because she told me 2 years ago that this was what she was planning to do….there have been several monumental rows where I have tried to explain to her how undervalued and undeserving this decision makes me feel……i thought she might reconsider to make it slightly less unfair- but actually irrespective of whether she was to reconsider the damage is done, she has drawn a very clear line in the sand.
MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:32
@MichelleScarn i think there is an unspoken expectation that I will do the care. We have talked about this too. I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older- does that not count for anything? Apparently not. She had an op before Christmas……guess who did all the running? And yes, siblings are male.
I have asked if I’d emigrated to Australia when I was 20 and only visited twice would that then mean the Will would have been shared equally. She doesn’t answer that.
Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:33
MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:32
@MichelleScarn i think there is an unspoken expectation that I will do the care. We have talked about this too. I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older- does that not count for anything? Apparently not. She had an op before Christmas……guess who did all the running? And yes, siblings are male.
I have asked if I’d emigrated to Australia when I was 20 and only visited twice would that then mean the Will would have been shared equally. She doesn’t answer that.
Good grief…. You and your mother have really thrashed out this will haven’t you?
SheilaFromTheFuture · 02/01/2023 07:36
MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:32
@MichelleScarn i think there is an unspoken expectation that I will do the care. We have talked about this too. I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older- does that not count for anything? Apparently not. She had an op before Christmas……guess who did all the running? And yes, siblings are male.
I have asked if I’d emigrated to Australia when I was 20 and only visited twice would that then mean the Will would have been shared equally. She doesn’t answer that.
Don’t wipe her arse then. She can pay, then your siblings might have something to say.
Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:37
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yorkshirepudsx · 02/01/2023 07:39
Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:34
I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older-
you are not very respectful or kind to your mother, are you?
Ursuladevine - I don't think OP meant this as an unkind remark, it could be said in a humorous way. I care for my mother and we often joke that the tables have turned, as I am now wiping her bum and repaying her for her wiping my bum. It's also a common joke between a lot of people I know and their parents, my friend always jokes with her mum and says 'I'll be wiping your bum one day be nice to me'. It's funny, I wouldn't look that deep into this part of it all.
MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:40
@Ursuladevine i was looking for kind positive responses. It’s good to know that you’ve never said an unkind word or argued with anyone in your entire life so you can sit on your judgemental plinth and pass comment.
if I was an uncaring bitch I’d just be no contact. I’m hoping someone has some nugget as to how I can move on
parietal · 02/01/2023 07:41
That is really cruel and short sighted of her.
Can you step back from care etc?
Say explicitly to her that in the will, she clearly values your brothers more so you will be taking some time apart. Especially step back from admin/support roles. Make sure your brothers also know this. Then do it.
She might then realise how valuable you are. And if she doesn't, keep up social visits you enjoy but do NOT take on any admin or care. Leave it to your brothers.
MintJulia · 02/01/2023 07:41
If your husband earns millions, and your siblings have not yet managed to buy their own homes, or similar, I could understand her reasoning.
But otherwise, I think I'd be less willing to do more than my share.
That comment about 'wiping her arse' is horrible. It makes it sound like your sole interest is in your inheritance, which I'm sure it is not. 🙁
Ursuladevine · 02/01/2023 07:41
MissingYellowzigzags · 02/01/2023 07:40
@Ursuladevine i was looking for kind positive responses. It’s good to know that you’ve never said an unkind word or argued with anyone in your entire life so you can sit on your judgemental plinth and pass comment.
if I was an uncaring bitch I’d just be no contact. I’m hoping someone has some nugget as to how I can move on
I am sure you were looking for that kind of response.
I pity your mother in her seventies having two years of upset and monumental rows with her daughter over her will. And told that her daughter will be “wiping her arse” in the future. Poor woman
Paq · 02/01/2023 07:43
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There's a lot of imagination in this post.
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