How do I make peace with this?

[MissingYellowzigzags]

DM (75, good health)has finally written a will after 2 years of discussion and upset. She has left a small amount to each grandchild and divided the rest of her estate (approx £1mil) between my 2 siblings. I get her engagement ring (£1500). That’s it. Her reasoning is that ‘you don’t need the money’ and ‘we’ve spent more time together, which is more important’. Siblings and I all earn in the same ballpark. My DH earns significantly more than siblings. She simply doesn’t get that it’s not about the money it’s about value and fairness. I’d be fine if she was giving it all away- that would be fair. What have I done that makes me so undeserving?
my mum used to be my rock. We were so close. I’m really struggling to move on from this. Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to make peace with a parental choice like this?

[janeeyreair]

What was the upset during the 2 years?

I would be feeling the same as you.

[KangarooKenny]

Wow, I couldn’t make peace with that.

[neighboursmustliveon]

I'm not sure I could make peace with this. Do your siblings know? Would they discuss with her how unfair this is and how it would make you feel less loved?

[Paq]

No, you're right to be upset.

What do your siblings say?

[MichelleScarn]

Is the we've spent more time together also a pre warning she expects you to do any care required? Are your other siblings male?
It's petty but I'd be withdrawing a bit, clearly she feels she's spent enough time with you!

[MissingYellowzigzags]

@janeeyreair the upset was because she told me 2 years ago that this was what she was planning to do….there have been several monumental rows where I have tried to explain to her how undervalued and undeserving this decision makes me feel……i thought she might reconsider to make it slightly less unfair- but actually irrespective of whether she was to reconsider the damage is done, she has drawn a very clear line in the sand.

[MissingYellowzigzags]

@Paq Siblings haven’t said anything.

[watchfulwishes]

You don't make peace with it, it is a shitty thing to do to you.

[MissingYellowzigzags]

@MichelleScarn i think there is an unspoken expectation that I will do the care. We have talked about this too. I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older- does that not count for anything? Apparently not. She had an op before Christmas……guess who did all the running? And yes, siblings are male.
I have asked if I’d emigrated to Australia when I was 20 and only visited twice would that then mean the Will would have been shared equally. She doesn’t answer that.

[SheilaFromTheFuture]

@MissingYellowzigzags

@Paq Siblings haven’t said anything.

Nothing at all? Not even an eye roll, shoulder shrug? You need to get together, in person to discuss it.

[Ursuladevine]

@MissingYellowzigzags

@MichelleScarn i think there is an unspoken expectation that I will do the care. We have talked about this too. I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older- does that not count for anything? Apparently not. She had an op before Christmas……guess who did all the running? And yes, siblings are male.
I have asked if I’d emigrated to Australia when I was 20 and only visited twice would that then mean the Will would have been shared equally. She doesn’t answer that.

Good grief…. You and your mother have really thrashed out this will haven’t you?

[Ursuladevine]

I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older-

you are not very respectful or kind to your mother, are you?

[janeeyreair]

Is it a sexist point of view from her? Your husband earns more that brothers so she assumes thats what counts and the 'boys' need to get the inheritance to provide for families .

[SheilaFromTheFuture]

@MissingYellowzigzags

@MichelleScarn i think there is an unspoken expectation that I will do the care. We have talked about this too. I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older- does that not count for anything? Apparently not. She had an op before Christmas……guess who did all the running? And yes, siblings are male.
I have asked if I’d emigrated to Australia when I was 20 and only visited twice would that then mean the Will would have been shared equally. She doesn’t answer that.

Don’t wipe her arse then. She can pay, then your siblings might have something to say.

[yorkshirepudsx]

@Ursuladevine

I’ve told her it will be me wiping her arse when she’s older-

you are not very respectful or kind to your mother, are you?

Ursuladevine - I don't think OP meant this as an unkind remark, it could be said in a humorous way. I care for my mother and we often joke that the tables have turned, as I am now wiping her bum and repaying her for her wiping my bum. It's also a common joke between a lot of people I know and their parents, my friend always jokes with her mum and says 'I'll be wiping your bum one day be nice to me'. It's funny, I wouldn't look that deep into this part of it all.

[Starseeking]

I'd be pulling back from all the help you're giving, that's awful treatment of DC by your DM.

[MissingYellowzigzags]

@Ursuladevine i was looking for kind positive responses. It’s good to know that you’ve never said an unkind word or argued with anyone in your entire life so you can sit on your judgemental plinth and pass comment.
if I was an uncaring bitch I’d just be no contact. I’m hoping someone has some nugget as to how I can move on

[parietal]

That is really cruel and short sighted of her.

Can you step back from care etc?

Say explicitly to her that in the will, she clearly values your brothers more so you will be taking some time apart. Especially step back from admin/support roles. Make sure your brothers also know this. Then do it.

She might then realise how valuable you are. And if she doesn't, keep up social visits you enjoy but do NOT take on any admin or care. Leave it to your brothers.

[Paq]

If I was your sibling I would tell your mum to make it even. Anything could happen that changes people's financial circumstances, it's generally not fair for a will to reflect a particular moment in people's lives.

[MintJulia]

If your husband earns millions, and your siblings have not yet managed to buy their own homes, or similar, I could understand her reasoning.

But otherwise, I think I'd be less willing to do more than my share.

That comment about 'wiping her arse' is horrible. It makes it sound like your sole interest is in your inheritance, which I'm sure it is not. 🙁

[Ursuladevine]

@MissingYellowzigzags

@Ursuladevine i was looking for kind positive responses. It’s good to know that you’ve never said an unkind word or argued with anyone in your entire life so you can sit on your judgemental plinth and pass comment.
if I was an uncaring bitch I’d just be no contact. I’m hoping someone has some nugget as to how I can move on

I am sure you were looking for that kind of response.

I pity your mother in her seventies having two years of upset and monumental rows with her daughter over her will. And told that her daughter will be “wiping her arse” in the future. Poor woman

[yorkshirepudsx]

I'm sorry you have had to go through this OP & continue to go through this. I couldn't ever imagine treating my children unequally regardless of age etc.
could there be more to it? Like somebody else pulling the strings or feeding into her decision?

[olympicsrock]

Wow
I don’t think I could accept this. It would make me want to pull back from the relationship and when asked to do any care in the future direct her to your brothers .
Really sorry to hear that she is doing this. Very sad.

[Paq]

There's a lot of imagination in this post.