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Elderly parents
Original poster

Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

989 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 25/09/2022 19:58

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

OP posts:
Knotaknitter · 04/01/2023 08:52

@OnthePiste I'm sorry love, endings are hard even if expected and peaceful.

thesandwich · 04/01/2023 09:39

@OnthePiste I’m so sorry for your loss 🌺🌺
@Badger1970 thinking of you.

Fantasea · 04/01/2023 09:46

@OnthePiste sorry for your loss, very hard even when you know it's coming Xxx.

@Badger1970 thinking of you Xxx.

Mum5net · 04/01/2023 09:53

So sorry @OnthePiste Hope you get some time for you.
@Fantasea Hope your neighbour didn't overstep at Xmas
@Badger1970 sending hugs

seanbeanmarryme · 04/01/2023 10:42

@OnthePiste sorry for your loss x
@Badger1970 thinking of you x

EmmaEmerald · 04/01/2023 10:45

OnthePiste big hugs to you. Flowers

Badger1970 · 04/01/2023 11:54

@OnthePiste I'm so dreadfully sorry for your loss. It's a comfort to know that your Mum went peacefully and I hope you're looking after yourself now Flowers

Badger1970 · 04/01/2023 11:54

Thank you everyone for your kindness. It helps.

Malbecfan · 04/01/2023 16:55

@OnthePiste I'm sorry for your loss.

@Badger1970 thinking of you x

EmmaEmerald · 04/01/2023 20:13

Have arrived at mum's after a week of break from her

I think she is behaving oddly, may be anxiety, may be attention seeking.

I understand anxiety as I have been in treatment for years. But it's genuinely hard to tell which it is. Add in the possible effects of stroke and it's really hard to know what's happening.

it's such a relief to be able to vent here. Someone said on another thread there's almost a veil of secrecy around elderly parent problems, I certainly don't feel I can share the frustrations IRL.

funnelfan · 04/01/2023 20:24

Emma I’m glad this thread is of help. I consider the topic in the same bucket as menopause - seemingly invisible in the general population but if you find the right group of people you suddenly realise it’s a really common issue that lots of people (women) are dealing with. In my case a chance remark after my Pilates class brought out everyone’s elderly parents story - not surprising really as so many people in my class are women in their mid-50s.

EmmaEmerald · 04/01/2023 20:59

funnel I don't find menopause a hidden topic...nothing seems to be a hidden topic really.

I understand no one wants to seem like they're being unkind about elderly parents but then I wonder if they are able to forget it more easily. I do think there's an element of people valuing family life more than I do as well.

chesterelly1 · 04/01/2023 21:46

@OnthePiste so sorry for your loss, but it does sound very peaceful in the end. I hope you can take comfort from that

AfterEightMintyCedric · 04/01/2023 22:33

So sorry for your loss @OnthePiste . Take care of yourself.

@Badger1970 I'm so sorry you're going through this, I know how helpless you can feel in that scenario and its awful. I hope some better support is in place for your dad ASAP.

notaflyingmonkey · 05/01/2023 10:28

Sorry for your loss @OnthePiste

I haven't been on this thread for a while since I lost DM in Oct, but it was a source of great help to me when I needed it.

The stress of trying to be the archetypal Victorian-era daughter that does everything without a word of complaint is something that very nearly broke me. I wish I had stepped back much earlier on and put things in place that could be outsourced as I stopped being a daughter and really became a carer/cleaner etc which was an impossible scenario.

The physical and mental effect can't be underestimated - I have been ill since mum passed away, and without wanting to sound woo, I do think my body and my mind needs to go through a period of adjustment as well as mourning.

DahliaMacNamara · 05/01/2023 11:03

Condolences, @OnthePiste . The more immediately demanding stage being over won't make the loss any easier emotionally.
And @Badger1970 , it's a a heavy burden to carry. I'm sorry things are so difficult just now.
On the subject of Victorian daughters, I worry about SIL's mental and physical health. DH's too, of course, but DH can focus on dealing with practicalities and admin, and outwith emergencies guards his rest times quite forcefully, whereas SIL has more fixed ideals and ties herself into knots trying to reach the impossible state where her mother will be contented, if not healthy. Frankly she has never been contented as long as I've known her.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 05/01/2023 11:27

@notaflyingmonkey that isn't woo at all. It makes perfect sense. One of my friends said that it took her two years to recover from six months of caring for her mother. Mum went into hospital 18 months ago and it is only now that I am starting to feel myself again.

notaflyingmonkey · 05/01/2023 11:34

@DahliaMacNamara it used to drive me to distraction the way that my DB just didn't take on the load that I did in caring for DM. But on reflection, we are just hardwired differently, probably due to gender roles. Like your SIL I tied myself in knots trying to do everything, which was impossible. I'm not unintelligent, but it has taken that distance for me to see that I kinda brought a lot of that on myself by trying to achieve the unachievable.

thesandwich · 05/01/2023 13:10

@notaflyingmonkey good to see you! V interesting reflections from you and @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere about the impact of caring and trying to make elderlies contented.
I am trying v hard post cancer treatment to hold my boundaries and feel v fortunate I got carers/ cleaners/ gardeners in place and also that dm has funds she can pay….
but last years treatment is long forgotten( no dementia) so I have to remind her….
@Badger1970 thinking of you. 🌺

funnelfan · 05/01/2023 15:16

Oh god, I think I'm going to have to step away again from the thread. Three weeks of mum in hospital, settling her in back at home and getting everyone used to the new drug regime, new sets of carers, liasing with pharmacists, GP surgery, council care team... the usual stuff. I'm mentally exhausted and thankful that I had this time off work and worrying about how I'm going to continue to fit it in when I return to work next week.

I had been giving myself a talking to on my drive home, to pull myself together. Triggered by seeing the carers leave mum a glass of water - she hates plain water to the point she will go thirsty rather than drink it. It got me sad that although everyone is kind, no-one cares for mum in the same way as me and DB, and only we seem to notice this sort of thing. She even said today that I know what she wants or means even before she does (she has mild aphasia), and when she can't find the word she wants for a third party like a doctor she just points at me and I have to "translate". I have to keep saying to myself that I'm not an extension of her, I have my own family and life and I have to live it for me not her.

Knowing that so many of you have had months and years of this, and it doesn't get better from here on in, is just overwhelming at this point. I'm already getting physical stress symptoms which isn't a good sign for my health. I salute you all, send you best wishes and I'll be back when I'm able/I've pulled myself together.

countrygirl99 · 05/01/2023 15:32

Mum's dementia has moved up a notch. Mongst other things on Tuesday she told DB2 she wasn't sorted for Christmas yet. She spent it with me

Tupperwarelid · 05/01/2023 16:56

@OnthePiste sorry for your loss x

EmmaEmerald · 05/01/2023 17:56

Sending good vibes out to funnel, I know she won't see this but it's important.

mum seems more normal than yesterday. It might be that she's behaving oddly because she's adjusting to different circumstances.

Malbecfan · 05/01/2023 19:40

Oh @funnelfan and @countrygirl99 I feel your pain. You have my sympathy.

Last week DF and I reviewed his will. He wants to make some changes, which is fair enough. Some of the charities he listed no longer exist. My DDs are now in their 20s so whilst my not-so-D Sis and I are executors, instead of my aunt & uncle stepping in if either of us can't do it, it makes more sense to have my DDs. Aunt & Uncle are in their 80s now too. However, stupidly, DF told not-so-dear Sis that he would be speaking to a solicitor tomorrow. She has completely gone off on one. DH, DD2 and I ate dinner with DF this evening as all her WhatsApp messages came in. DF is furious with her. I wrote replies to her over dinner which were blunt but honest and she went quiet. Since I started typing this, 5 further messages have come in. Why the F did DF tell her anything? I think she is being manipulated by her scheming DH but can't prove anything (DF thinks this too). My DH refuses to get involved unless my DF asks him outright. DF is starting to realise that my DH is the one that probably has his back. If she carried any of the burden, I would be more sympathetic but no, she carps from S Europe but does nothing practical.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 06/01/2023 09:35

I understand no one wants to seem like they're being unkind about elderly parents but then I wonder if they are able to forget it more easily. Complaining means revealing things that are private, eg that they’re incontinent, or the extent of their cognitive decline. So it’s difficult to complain in real life

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