Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

sending hugs to all further deterioration today by mum.in just a week hardly speaking at all and seemed very vacant and I sont think she knew me hugs to allxx more glad you father is happy guess that's a big comfort mum gets distressed when she come to a bit as it were but these moments are becoming increasingly fewer
food idea to ask manager about practicing her speech but not sure if you would be able to get through think it might have gone beyond that sadly

orange sorry to hear about your mum

it's Emma as usual, with a name change - there are quite a few of us but I think I am the only one on the Aged p board, for now.

I was a bit snappy with mum on the phone just now, she told me to stop looking for carers (she knows as it was discussed at her latest appointment, where to get help if we can't cope again).

I told her I would gather whatever info I needed and there was no point arguing about it. And there's a long list of stuff to do on next visit.

How are you doing @OnthePiste?

Thanks for checking @PermanentTemporary She is still hanging on in there. She was put on the syringe driver yesterday so has constant pain relief. This does mean that she is asleep pretty much all of the time. The care she is getting is amazing, I really cannot fault it. It is just a shame she is still on the ward as due to them having a covid infection in there, they can't move her out to somewhere quieter. I did ask about a side room but none available apparently. I spoke with the palliative care matron yesterday who was just so lovely, she says mum is close to the end but she is unable to say exactly how long she has. I've been spending most of the days there but coming home at tea time. I hope she doesn't linger for ages, for her sake as much as mine.

OnthePiste how much of the day are you doing? I found it a terrible strain, how are you holding up?

Glad she has the syringe driver.

@OnthePiste I never saw mum in the side room, they moved her after I'd visited and she died that night. I'm not sure whether it would have been easier for me or not. I didn't stay all day watching her breathe, although I'd always thought she would go on forever it was clear that this was the end and it was also clear that she wasn't going to be present. I went for a couple of hours over lunchtimes and then I went home and jumped whenever the phone rang.

I know it feels as if each day will be the last and it might be but there again, it might not be. You need to take some time for you because you've the next stage yet to face.

Hi @EmmaEmerald I find it draining, particularly as the patient next to mum talks to herself and her dead husband all day, repeating herself in a very loud voice. I get there in the morning about 9:30/10, have a break for lunch and then go back until 5/5:30. I've only been doing that for the last 2 days, prior to this I couldn't visit due to the Covid outbreak. I'm ok but very glad to get home. If she passes when I am not there, so be it, there is no way I could stay there indefinitely.

OnthePiste obviously if you're okay with that, it's one thing.

I did similar, really wish I hadn't.

A lot of people won't go until the room is empty anyway, I was told.

agree that they often pass when no one is there it's awful situation to be in though just waiting
in my mums care home was a very loud posh old lady who seemed to think the staff were her servants in between calling them all the names under the sun it was awful felt so sorry for them apparently they were the most awful people she had ever net they were madame and vile and needed to hurry up with her tea.
I know she cant help it but it was really awful

@OnthePiste sorry to hear about your mum...I hope the coming days are as peaceful as possible and you have lots of support.

Can't catch up with everything atm but hope everyone had a reasonably OK Christmas under whatever circumstances you're dealing with.

I was on a plane to USA when my dad had a massive stroke in the care home.
Receiving the news and trying to get flights home was absolutely traumatic.

I arrived at the hospital and stayed with my dad for 9 nights. The hospital was amazing and I’ll be forever grateful for their love and care, not only for dad but me too.

I was with dad when he passed and I wouldn’t change a thing.

I miss him dreadfully but also dealing with my mum who is struggling with dementia and losing the love of her life. 💔

Sorry to hear that @MyMumhasDementia that must have been very stressful for you. Your poor mum, that is so hard for her.

I took a leaf out of @Knotaknitter 's book today and just stayed for a few hours this afternoon. I did something normal and went to my favourite gym class this morning, it felt good to be doing something else. Mum is still sleeping all of the time, I could not get any response from her. I will be back there first thing tomorrow as I have to drop my car off for a service early so I will head straight to the hospital.

From a completely opposite POV, my dad had only been in the care home for a few weeks when he passed away in the early hours of Sunday morning.

We'd been through so much stress for so long that I stupidly forgot to change the settings on my phone to allow their calls. Mum's deaf so between us we didn't find out until it was too late.

It's not what I'd have chosen in a million years, I always imagined I would be there when the inevitable happened but I made peace with it very quickly.

There was only a very short gap between them making the first phone call and him slipping away.

I'd have had to wrangle mum and doing that and us both being there would have been midnight boggling stressful.

Dad had someone with him, they told him we were coming, I suspect the whole scenario was considerably more peaceful than had we been there on time.

I didn't cope at all with seeing my dad in the Chapel of remembrance so on the whole I think it worked out right for all of us.

---

In other news, having been all quiet on the Western front, I had a call from the Lifeline people at 1am. Turned out mum had got disorientated making her way to the lightswitch in the dark after turning off the tree lights, reached for the wall in the completely wrong place, tumbled over and hit her cheekbone on the coffee table.

They put in a call for paramedics and she was triaged but by 4am all we wanted was bed so cancelled the call out.

She's fine physically but the level of disorientation is worrying. She initially told me she fell at the foot of the stairs, but I spotted her bag and water bottle by the TV and she'd knocked over stuff on the coffee table so had obviously fallen there...it's nowhere near the stairs....

@OnthePiste my best friend is currently at the beside of her dying Mum and I can see the stress she's under. Sending my love. 💐

The move to the nursing home has been too much for Dad, he's now bedbound and filling with fluid. He's breathless, scared, and in an unfamiliar environment as are we. I don't think I've ever felt so panic stricken in my entire life. Poor Dad is scared, tearful, horribly confused and really agitated. He is refusing tablets and it depends on the nurse on duty as to his care. Two are lovely, one really really isn't and there's a language barrier with the other. Community palliative care are back on board but they can't visit until Friday.

This isn't where he should be dying

Badger1970 This must be so awful for you.
My dad passed away in a side room in hospital with me my husband and my brother by his side.
He was sedated and pain free for which I am forever grateful.

Please push for some medication for him. I’m just so sad for you x

I’m so sorry @Badger1970 🌺

Badger is it possible he's refusing tablets because he feels unable to swallow?

Is the nursing home equipped to do things like syringe drivers?

sorry for the factual questions, seems essential to get meds to him to ease the path. I really feel for both of you.

That's just miserable @Badger1970. They took so long to send him, giving mixed signals. Panic is an awful feeling, so wishing you both some peace and calm. Sometimes goodness just appears from the most unlikely places. Peace and calm to @OnthePiste as well.

@Badger1970 so sorry you are all going through this

Mum slipped away peacefully yesterday afternoon. I had woken up very early and had a very strong feeling that it would be the day she left us. I got to the hospital first thing and stayed all day. I played her favourite music and talked to her about all our memories as a family. The chaplin came and said some prayers for her which was a comfort, he was a lovely man. I am so glad she is at peace now.

@Badger1970 what an awful situation, I do hope he calms, I would try and have a meeting or phone call with the CH manager so see what they can do to manage your poor dad's care better.

@OnthePiste thank you for telling us. I hope there's not too much business and that you can rest.

@Badger1970 just hugs. So sorry you're both going through this.

@OnthePiste sorry for your loss

@OnthePiste 💐and hugs.

@Badger1970 What a stressful situation! Sending 'strong and calm' wishes to you.

@OnthePiste @Badger1970 sending best wishes and in particular peace for Badger’s dad for his final days.

My mum is coming home today from her stay in the assessment centre. She’s perked up considerably during her hospital stay and DB and I are glad we blackmailed her in to going to hospital before Christmas. She’s got the standard 4x daily carer package, new home equipment and on a new medication regime and we have a diagnosis for her underlying issues. DB and I have tentatively identified a Plan B if she declines again at home. On the face of it, positive progress, let’s hope we can make it work.